Friday humour - September 02, 2016

Welcome to Friday Humour!

Today's contributions brought to you by: Anonymous3, Billy Bunter of
Adelaide, Duke of Barsinov, Haz, KRP, Sack, Seasoldier, Techsec, Wally, and


Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.


The Cow, the Ant and an Old Fart

A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the
three of them.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the

The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52
times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"

Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.


Another joke

Heard this one recently, as opposed to finding them in emails:

There I was, sitting at red traffic lights, when a car drew up alongside.
It was full of young Asian men, dressed in black, with black headscarves
and waving Isis flags. The outside of the car also had Isis slogans on the
sides. Impatient, they went against the red light and were promptly
'T-boned' by a bus. They were all killed. And as I sat there, I thought to
myself, 'That could have been me, you know',

So, tomorrow, I'm going to train as a bus driver!!


Health Issues:

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you  sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered 'yes' to  any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about Cabernet  Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more
confident about yourself and your actions.

It can help  ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that
you're ready  and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the  benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and,
with a regimen of  regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that
prevent you from  living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a  thing of the past and you will discover
many talents you never knew you  had. Stop hiding and start living.
Cabernet Sauvignon  may not be  right for everyone. Women who are pregnant
or nursing should not use it.  However, women who wouldn't mind nursing, or
becoming pregnant, are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

Dizziness, nausea,  vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of
clothing, loss  of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur,
table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing
Karaoke and play all-night  rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked


The consumption of Cabernet  Sauvignon may  make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
The consumption of  Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your  friends
over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of
Cabernet Sauvignon may  cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon  may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Please feel free to share this  important information with as many people
as you  feel may benefit!
Now  just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or 
Merlot...Live  the dream!




Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the
Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her
snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in
boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like
it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC
president is hugging the cox of the
British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian D*cks is everywhere. It's like they've got
eleven D*cks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that,
before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . .
Oh my God, what have I just said"


Too good NOT to send!

Husband:* *Oh, come on.*
Wife: **Leave me alone!*
Husband:* *It won't take long.*
Wife:* *I won't be able to sleep afterwards.*
Husband:* *I can't sleep without it.*
Wife: **Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? *
Husband:* *Because I'm hot. *
Wife: **You get hot at the darnedest times.*
Husband:* *If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.*
Wife: **If you love me you'd be more considerate.*
Husband:* *You don't love me anymore.*
Wife:* *Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight. *
Husband: **Please...go on. *
Wife: **All right, I'll do it. *
Husband: **What's the matter? You need a flashlight?*
Wife:* *I can't find it in the dark. *
Husband:* *Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!*
Wife: **There! Are you satisfied?*
Husband:* *Oh, yes.*
Wife: **Is it up far enough?*
Husband:** Yeah! that's good. *
Wife:* *Right! Now go to sleep**.*
And the next time you want the bloody window open, do it yourself. *


 Click here


Too funny
 Click here



1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In
fact, just p*ss off and leave me alone.

2. S*x is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet..

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a
couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone =C2=A320 and never see that person again, it was
probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from
bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ar*e ....
then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circ*mstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.


Up Yours
 Click here


Jumping to conclusions

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say
concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up
and talk, or forever hold their peace. The silence was broken by a young
beautiful woman walking toward the front of the church, carrying a child in
her arms.

The atmosphere turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's
mother fainted. The groomsmen wondered how to help save the situation.

The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do
you have to say?"

The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back."


Israeli doctor

An Israeli doctor said, "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off
a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking
for work."

The German doctor said, "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a
brain, put it in another man and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor said, "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put
it in another man's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The Scottish doctor just laughed and commented, "You are all way behind us.

Thirteen months ago, we took a woman with no brains, no heart,
and no balls and made her first minister of Scotland.

Now, the whole of Scotland is looking for work!"


 Click here


Nothing Worse Than A Leaky Submarine
 Click here


Fun times about aging
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A tennis questions
 Click here
Is it possible for a tennis player to lose a point, a game and a match, and
still have a great set?


Trump Withdraws From Race
 Click here


National Orgasm Day
 Click here

A guy turns to his wife in bed and whispers, "Did you know it's National
Orgasm Day?"

"Oh, what a pity," she said, "Right in the middle of National Headache


Inner Peace
 Click here

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs

Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

Handle every Stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat it or play
with it, Pee on it and walk way.


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


 Click here

Robert Lucas and Rita Cohen met while both were undergraduates at the
University of Chicago, and they got married in 1959. They had two sons
together, but eventually things didn't work out. They separated in 1982,
and divorced a few years later, citing "irreconcilable differences."

But Rita evidently had faith in Robert's talent, because she instructed her
lawyer, to add a clause to the divorce settlement, specifying that if
Robert won the Nobel Prize by October 31, 1995, she would receive half of
the prize money.

Robert was awarded the Nobel Prize in economics on October 10, 1995
— 21 days before the clause would have expired, and received $1
million prize money.

Asked about having to pay half the prize to his ex-wife, he noted
philosophically that, "A deal is a deal." But added, "Maybe if I'd known
I'd win, I would have resisted the clause, and saved myself $500,000."


Links & Photos
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Train Found after 106 Years
 Click here

Only in the Northern Territory
 Click here

Street Art (Amazing)
 Click here

Unicycle in Targu Jiu (Brave Man)
 Click here

20 Craziest Borders on Earth
 Click here

10 X Shortest Lived Countries
 Click here

Found by Airport Security
 Click here

10 X World's Most Unusual Schools
 Click here

Goodbye Starbucks
 Click here


No BBQ Tonight
 Click here

(Count them as they come out.
Would you want to eat after being there anyway)


More Chinese News
 Click here

China's First Overseas Military Outpost and Naval Base to Open in 2017 at
Djibouti By Arthur Dominic Villasanta

China is building its first overseas naval base and military outpost at the
small port town of Obock in the Republic of Djibouti on ground originally
intended for use by the U.S. Army. The Chinese base on a

364,000 square meter (90 acre) plot will house supply stores; barracks for
a small force of Chinese marines or Special Forces; maintenance facilities
for aircraft and ships and weapons sites. Obock or Obok is

located on the northern shore of the Gulf of Tadjoura, where it opens out
into the Gulf of Aden. China refers to the Obock naval base as a "support
facility" and said they don't have plans of building large bases

such as those the U.S. military favours. It also denies the base is
ratcheting up tensions with the U.S. whose Camp Lemonnier, the largest U.S.
military base in Africa, is located only eight miles away. Camp

Lemonnier currently houses over 4,000 U.S. troops and is used for Special
Forces and drone operations against jihadist groups in the region. The
Ministry of National Defence of the People's Republic of China

claims its Obock base will "better uphold international responsibilities
and duties, and to protect China's legal interests." China's push into the
world stage starting in Africa is part of President Xi Jinping's foreign-

policy priorities, based on the strategy of "Steadily advancing overseas
base construction." As part of this strategy, The People's Liberation Army
Navy (PLAN) first used commercial ports that were built or

financed by Chinese companies for resupply and recreation. The Obock naval
base is the first departure from this standard model. Ironically, the base
was first developed by the U.S. in 2009 under the

government of then Djiboutian Prime Minister Dileita Mohamed Dileita. In
2014, however, the new government led by pro-China President Ismail Omar
Guelleh kicked-out the Americans and welcomed the

Chinese The increasingly despotic Guelleh, who is relentlessly suppressing
dissent, has received billions of dollars from China for Djibouti's
development. China is also financing a two proposed airports, a

railroad, a port terminal expansion, fuel and water pipelines, a natural
gas liquefaction plant and highway upgrades. Some media reports claim China
also funded Guelleh's campaign for an unprecedented

fourth term in office after he amended the Constitution that previously
limited a President's service to two terms. Source: chinatopix


US Navy vs US Navy
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2016 Classy Machinery
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MV Vyacheslav Egorov

The crew of the Greek cargo ship MV Vyacheslav Egorov (means Significant in
English), throws thousands of tons of its timber cargo overboard, to
stabilize the ship, when it runs into a storm, in the Baltic Sea, on Friday
(19th August).
 Click here


China Threatens Australia
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WASHINGTON: What are China's intentions in the South China Sea? It's a
question intelligence analysts, diplomats and the senior leadership of the
United States and its Pacific allies are all asking in the wake of a range
of increasingly belligerent and threatening comments and actions by the
rising global power. Perhaps most worrying is that the Kyodo News Agency
and other Japanese outlets have reported variations of a story that China's
ambassador to Tokyo said in late June that the Japanese Self Defence Force
would "cross a red line" if they took part of Freedom of Navigation
operations in the South China Sea. "(China) will not concede on sovereignty
issues and is not afraid of military provocations," Cheng is reported to
have told Japanese officials. Then Chinese military aircraft, including a
bomber, penetrated South Korean airspace yesterday. The region includes
part of the Chinese ADIZ declared in 2013. South Korea expanded its own
ADIZ as a counter to Beijing. No country accepts China's assertion of the

Earlier this month, a fleet of 14 government vessels accompanied several
hundred fishing vessels into the East China Sea in waters that Japan claims
as its Exclusive Economic Zone.

NOTE:  AUSTRALIA ........The first sharp bilateral provocation in this
pattern came when the Chinese government-owned and operated newspaper said

China should fire on any Australian vessel participating in Freedom of
Navigation operations in the South China Sea: "If Australia steps into the
South China

Sea waters, it will be an ideal target for China to warn and strike." But
the editorial didn't just include the threat. The paper went on to describe
Australia as

"a unique country with an inglorious history. It was at first an offshore
prison of the UK, and then became its colony, a source of raw materials,

market and land of investment. This country was established through
uncivilized means, in a process filled with the tears of the aboriginals. "
Are these the

signals of a power bent on war? Are these the actions of a surging power,
one eager to change the balance of power in the South and East China seas?

This all plainly comes in large part in reaction to the ruling by the
International Court of Arbitration that "there was no legal basis for China
to claim historic rights to resources within the sea areas falling within
the 'Nine-Dash Line' that the Peoples Republic of China claims. China made
clear from the beginning it would not accept the tribunal's ruling and said
it would prosecute its claims to the South China Sea. But the vigorous
Chinese reaction is clearly driven by more than this.

"Let's remember that Xi is going to have to replace almost the entire
Politburo Standing Committee. We've not seen this situation since 1992.
What kinds of political pressures does Xi face?" asks Dean Cheng, Chinese
military expert at the conservative Heritage Foundation. How much of this
action is Xi playing to nationalist elements in China? It's very difficult
to tell so far. Cheng believes that China, as has Russia, will practice
hybrid warfare to push, prod and test the United States and its allies. "I
would expect them to be harassed by Chinese fishing boats, to be buzzed by
Chinese planes (not necessarily military), to be shadowed and perhaps
'locked on' by Chinese coast guard vessels (many of which are cascaded PLA
Navy ships).

Are WE prepared to be constantly harassed, perhaps "˜bumped" and collided
with?" Cheng wonders. He thinks it very likely that Chinese fishermen will
use rifles to shoot at foreign ships and Chinese fishing boats or coast
guard vessels might ram foreign ships or throw themselves in front of them
to incite reactions. Of course, China has not gone that far recently. He
points to the fact that the Chinese "haven't started shooting. All this is
making big scary faces to scare people off."  For that reason and others, 
Cheng is critical of the Obama Administration's response. "What the hell
have we done? We've done nothing, absolutely nothing. This administration
is giving the Chinese a free pass and it's therefore no surprise the
Chinese are pushing hard."

And no country has the global diplomatic and military muscle to directly
counter the PRC. "The Chinese can out-muscle Australia, and they have a
decent chance at intimidating the Japanese," he says. What has the
administration done so far? The US has performed three Innocent Passage FON
operations since October last year: the USS Lassen sailed past the Chinese
artificial holding on Subi Reef in the Spratlys. The USS Curtis Wilbur
sailed within 12 nautical miles of Triton Island in the Paracels chain near
Vietnam. And the USS William P. Lawrence came within 12 nautical miles of
the Chinese installation on Fiery Cross Reef in the Spratlys. Also, in
early July, the USS Nimitz's Carrier Strike Group 5 conducted "routine
operations" in the South China Sea.

"Our forward-deployed ships are operating here to maintain the seas open
for all to use," Rear Adm. John D. Alexander was quoted in a statement at
the time. So while not technically a FON op, the intention was clear. The
United States should perform classic Freedom of Navigation operations, with
military ships and airplanes sailing and flying through international
waters and airspace and challenging Chinese claims to the area, Cheng
believes. So far, we have performed what are called Innocent Passage
operations. They help maintain and declare the right of all navies to
access the waters and islands within the area the Chinese call the Nine
Dash Line, but they do not serve the same purpose as a military ship
proceeding through the area and launching helicopters, or using targeting
radar or performing military drills.

Cheng called on the administration to convey America's support for
international law and the tribunal's ruling, as well as for its allies, at
the G-20 Summit on Sept. 3-4. He called on President Obama and Secretary of
State John Kerry to raise the issue with China during the summit. It's
interesting that Air Force Secretary Deborah Lee James and Army Chief of
Staff Gen. Mark Milley are in the Pacific region this week.


The Queen's Handbag
 Click here Click here

LONDON - An English writer thinks he has answered two of life's perennial
1 - Why does the queen carry a handbag,

2 - and what is inside it?

Raymond Fullager, who writes and lectures about the royals, says Her
Majesty uses her handbag to send at least 23 signals to her staff. Because
the queen cannot be seen on official business continually snapping orders
to courtiers, ladies-in-waiting, and other hovering attendants, she has
devised a secret apparatus - her handbag.

The contents of this st*rdy bag, are a lucky rabbit's foot, some chocolate
drops for the corgis, a small camera, and a couple of crossword puzzles to
pass the time, en route to official functions, are incidental. It's the
position of the bag that counts, says Fullager.

It may signal anything from a distress call - "Rescue me from this bore" -
to a delicate hint of a need for the royal potty.

Fullager, like most self-proclaimed experts on the monarchy (the number of
authorities on the monarchy is closely linked to the population of London),
staunchly defends his royal signals theory, despite criticism from fellow
palace correspondents.

The first rule of a true royals expert is never to waver from a
pronouncement about the family - unless under threat of a lawsuit.

Clearly, the royal family has never lacked for ink in the British press,
especially in the flashier tabloids, whose rival scoops are sometimes
mountains built from one grain of fact. But not even the papers here were
able to break the Queen's Code.

What's more, the press and public may love or hate, adore or admonish other
members of the royal family, but Queen Elizabeth II is something of a regal

The second rule of a proper royals-watcher is never to talk about the
queen's handbag in public.

Nigel Dempster, the country's leading gossip columnist and a major player
at the palace, called Fullager's handbag theories "silly" and ''just

"The queen simply doesn't communicate with anyone she doesn't want to,"
Dempster said from his office at the Daily Mail. "The queen never has to be
rescued. She just walks away. When she is bored, she does something else.
Or she asks that you leave. A woman who is estimated to be worth 5.17
billion pounds, does not need to fidget with her handbag to get attention."

A spokesman for Buckingham Palace was predictably silent on the issue. The
queen, Fullager said, does not answer her own phone.

Fullager, 60, who served for 11 years in the RAF as the queen's personal
radio officer, receiving and transmitting messages, stands by the queen's
handbag code. And there is seemingly no category about the royals on which
he has not at some time or other offered an opinion. He keeps massive
files, reference books and newspaper clippings about the royal family in
his home in Kent.

But Fullager is surprisingly coy about his background. He said he lectures
about the royals in local hospitals and writes for European women's
magazines, but he wouldn't name them. His nephew in Charlotte, N.C.,
arranges some of his lectures in the United States. He said he has been a
professional royals- watcher since 1958.

And that is about all he'll say concerning himself. Now, Her Majesty -
well, she's another matter. It is tempting to dismiss Fullager as a fraud,
but the man is genuinely besotted with the royal family. He refused to
reveal all 23 handbag signals while he was on an American lecture tour last

"I am really informed that Her Majesty has these signs to cope with awkward
situations she doesn't relish facing twice," said Fullager. "The code is
absolutely necessary if she is to stick to her rigid schedules."

When the handbag is moved from one arm to the other, for example, the queen
is not amused. It indicates her companion is either a boring old buffer, or
a social-climbing chatterbox. A sharp-eyed lady-in-waiting will come
forward and announce loudly: "I'm afraid, ma'am, that you are running 10
minutes behind schedule."

When Her Majesty's handbag, said Fullager, is securely gripped on her left
arm, the most common position of all, then her staff can relax, knowing
everything is going well.

Fullager did not know whether this signal had any historical significance,
since the queen's mother often stands with her handbag firmly hanging from
her left arm.

He also has learned to read some of the queen's other habits. If Her
Majesty, for example, starts rubbing the middle finger on her left hand, it
means she doesn't like the look of something - perhaps a spectator getting
too close.

"When she gets that Queen Victoria we-are-not-amused frown and starts
tapping her right foot, it means that some hapless member of her staff has
overstepped the mark, and is earmarked for a royal ticking off," Fullager

Oh, and one more thing: Queen Elizabeth is the only monarch in the world
who can strip a car, and reassemble it. "And she's changed a tyre more than
once, when it's punctured."

Just where does he get this stuff? Fullager said he operates a network of
''royal insiders" and palace staff to feed him the tidbits that enable him
to bust and update the handbag code.

Andrew Morton, one of Britain's leading authorities on the royal family and
editor of the Palace Press, a journal about the monarchy, is skeptical:
''Frankly, you've got to wonder if anyone can actually do 23 different
things with a handbag."

And Harold Brooks-Baker, who as publisher of Burke's Peerage (an
aristocratic stud book) is presumed to have unique insight into what goes
on in the royal mind, doesn't think much of the royal signals. He said he
has never heard of such a thing.

Even a loyal commoner won't buy into Fullager's theories.

"The queen wears a hat, gloves and carries a handbag because it is the
correct way for a proper woman to dress," says Violet Dunmore, a saleswoman
at a W. H. Smith bookstore. "Hand signals and the like would be much too

These naysayers will not deter Raymond Fullager. He will continue offering
his notions of royal thoughts. Now, if he could only figure out if she has
a different rabbit's foot for each handbag.



A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, "Congratulations, your
wife has had quadruplets , four big baby boys."

The redneck said, "I'm not surprised.

I have a penis the size of a chimney."

The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned.

They're all black."


Links & Photos
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Links & Photos

World's Widest Ship
 Click here

Seals sitting on Ship's Rudder
 Click here


The Most Expensive Aircraft in the World
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President Zuma, who is the current leader of South Africa has purchased the
most expensive aircraft in the world for his own personal use, and those of
his hirelings and underlings.
BOEING 747-8 for President Jacob Zuma

Welcome aboard the custom-built plane that makes Air Force One look like
The Wright Brothers' first effort.
These extraordinary images show an enormous jumbo jet that has been
converted into a luxury home for ZUMA!!!!

Complete with bedrooms, multiple lounges and an onboard restaurant.

The custom-built Boeing 747 is believed to have cost South African
taxpayers  $400million.

Making it one of the most expensive purchases of all time.

The jumbo jet would normally carry up to 600 passengers; but this version
was built for just one insane man,
although he will be able to fit dozens of guests.

The level of luxury is out of this world.

The plane wouldn't look out of place on Cribs.

Of course cable television and Internet are among the perks.

No need to fight for sofa space either, just the 14 TVs dotted about the

More sleeping space is provided in the "aeroloft" on the top deck of the
vessel, with eight double beds for passengers who prefer to get some
shut-eye on flights.

You know it's good when your plane has a stateroom.

Look out for this baby flying above you.

I know you were asking yourself, "Do we send aid to South Africa ?"

The answer is "Yes - over $571,000,000.
Just enough to pay for this toy, with a little change left over.


Have a great weekend, folks!


[ End friday humour ]

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