Friday humour - August 26, 2016

 From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

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From: Anonymous3
Our life in pictures; people under 55 wont get it!
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From: Anonymous3

Fantastic photography

Jet wash in the morning mist
 Click here

Unusual cloud. Now we know how to look like angels
 Click here

Ice cave, illuminated by a torch
 Click here

Ladybug in the morning dew
 Click here

Cloud: incredible picture
 Click here

Rain over ravninoi - view from the airplane
 Click here

One in a million
 Click here

The tsunami of clouds
 Click here

A magical place in Austria - Grer See
 Click here

A rare and wonderful atmospheric phenomenon - "fire rainbow"
This optical effect in the atmosphere, manifested in the appearance of a horizontal 
rainbow, localised on a background of light, high cirrus clouds are located.
 Click here

Rainbow refraction of light in water droplets
 Click here

Morskoi sand under a microscope with a 300-fold increase
 Click here

Rhodochrosite - Beautiful Shii mineral, also known as the Rose of the Inca
 Click here

The view from the height of 8000 meters
 Click here

Splash - from the stone thrown into the water during sunset
 Click here

In rare cases, you can see a rainbow at 360 from the plane
 Click here

The crystal clear ice of Baikal
 Click here

Blooming lotus
 Click here

Lavender fields. Dawn. Imagine the aroma ...
 Click here

Frame-fire: the reflection of the setting sun in her hair
 Click here

Winter Fairy
 Click here

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From: Arfermo

Images from the US, where naked statues of Republican presidential nominee Donald 
Trump have proved to be a hit with passers-by.
 Click here

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From: Sack

Senior Citizens raffle at the bowling club
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier

Riddle for seniors

Today's riddle for seniors... Here is the situation:
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop-off.
On your left side is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable
to overtake it.

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer:

Get off the merry-go-round and go home, you've had enough excitement for
one day!

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From: Seasoldier

Lttle johnny

Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived
home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come 
over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their 
son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad 
had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, 
"Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on 
your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going 
to spank your butt when we get back home." "I promise not to mention his 
ears at all," said Little Johnny. 

At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the
baby's hand.

He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The 
mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly 
surprised and said, Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, 
"This baby has perfect little hands, feet, then said, "Why...just look at 
his pretty little eyes... Did his doctor say he can see good?" The Mother 
a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes...his doctor said he has 
20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause that little f*cker
can't wear glasses."

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From: Wally

Brave Men Jokes

I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having s*x, like:
"I'm tired."  "I'm washing my hair."  "I've got a headache." "I am your
sister in law.

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman in labour is in pain, and screaming profanity at her husband, from
her hospital bed.  He says, "Hey,
don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said
that might hurt!

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent
another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on
liposuction for her, and she couldn't thank me enough. But I spend 50 bucks
on a bl*wjob for myself, and she goes f*cking nuts! Women, I can't figure
them out.

     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I don't
mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The
daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either,
but this is a pussy,
not a f*cking photo-copier."

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Dr Phil: I was watching my next door neighbour's wife sunbathing
topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my
wife was just standing there, arms folded ... watching me. Is she a pervert
or what?

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house had
been robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer, and had raped
his wife. A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe
they f*cked my wife after only five beers!"

       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Got this text from my brother recently. It read,
"Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out, after
she caught me measuring my d*ck. For what it's worth, it reaches all the
way to the back of her sister's throat!"

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry for not calling you on New Year's,  but I just got out of jail.  I
was locked up for punching the sh*t out of this idiot at a party. In my
defence, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your instincts kick
in.

     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I'm coming or going." I
said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when
you're coming, you look like a f*cking squirrel trying to whistle!"

     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some
money. Last night I f*cked a girl named
Penny. Is that spooky or what?

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about
me?" Apparently, "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly!" wasn't the
right answer.

Things Named After Mae West

Actress and s*x symbol Mae West cast a large shadow over popular culture,
as can be seen by the number of things named after her.

1. Life Preservers

The inflatable life preservers used in WWII were often referred to as "Mae
Wests" because they gave their wearers the appearance of having a large
chest (wikipedia).

2. Parachute Malfunction

A "blown periphery" parachute
malfunction causes the canopy to contort into the shape of a giant
brassiere, and so is referred to as the "Mae West" malfunction (wikipedia).

3. Newfoundland Islands

The Isaacs islands in Newfoundland were named
"Mae West" by American sailors stationed at nearby Argentia
Naval Base, and the name seems to have stuck. The caption for the above
image (found in "US Navy PBY Catalina Units of the
Atlantic War") reads, "Groundcrewmen load water-filled practice bombs onto
a PBY-5A from VP-6(CG) at Argentia in 1944. The twin mounds in the
background were called 'Mae West' after the s*x goddess, who incidentally
had her roots in Newfoundland."

4. Gas Generator

Chemists nicknamed the Kipp Gas Generator the
"Mae West" (Life magazine).

5. Coca-Cola Bottle

After the Coca Cola Company introduced the
"contour" bottle in 1915, it quickly became known as the
"Mae West bottle" (Story of the Coca-Cola bottle).

In 1937, the couturier Elsa Schiaparelli launched her "Shocking" perfume,
in a bottle whose shape was directly inspired by Mae West (FIDM Museum). So
this doesn't count as something named after her, but is still something in
her image.

Finally, I've even found a reference to a "Mae
West Theory of Islamic Terrorism" the theory being that s*xual frustration
is the root cause of much Islamic terrorism.

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From: Whizzbang

super weapons
 Click here
 Click here
 Click here

Nostalgia Jukebox Machine..

THIS ONES A "KEEPER". STOW IT AWAY FOR
FUTURE REFERENCE.

It's a walk down memory lane.

YOU CAN SCROLL FROM 1960 TO 2013
 Click here

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From: Haz

Olympic Refund
 Click here

What a great offer.
After Nigeria was eliminated from the olympics,
The Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans
that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the
transaction.

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From: Haz

Lovely Italian story
 Click here

The Beauty of Mathematics
 Click here

AFL Grand Final Football Tickets
 Click here

AFL Grand Final Football Tickets

A mate of mine has two tickets for this year's
AFL  Grand Final.

Box seats plus accommodation.... but he didn't realise when he bought them
that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's
Church in Toorak Rd. Toorak at 3.00pm. Her name is Louise. She's moody but
nice.

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From: Sack

Great Barrier Reef in Australia ...
 Click here

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The Donald & The Olympics
 Click here
And they say he's stupid.

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From: Sack

The Wisdom of the Queen
 Click here

The Cyclist
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier

If You are a Dog Person....
 Click here Click here

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A "DOG PERSON"

TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center

and rolled down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and
I wanted to impress upon her

that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying
emphatically,

"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde,

gave me a strange look and said, (this is going to hurt read on)

"Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"

Moral of the Porcupine
 Click here Click here

----- Original Message -----

From: Seasoldier  (XXX  - ED)

Have you seen an Aussie circ*mcision?

I am just unable to add words to this pic.
 Click here

Fw: 2 letter English word.. all you grammatical purists will love
it !

This is not a set-up, read to the end

A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb,
adjective, adverb and preposition.

UP

Read until the end ...  you'll laugh.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter
word, and that word is 'UP.'  It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.],
[prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the
list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?  Why do we speak UP, and why are
the officers UP for election and why is it
UP to the secretary to write UP a report?  We call UP our friends,
brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean
UP the kitchen.   We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning.   People stir UP
trouble, line UP for tickets, work
UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened
UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.   We seem to
be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP,
look UP the word UP in the dictionary.   In a desk-sized dictionary,
it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty
definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP
is used.   It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP,
you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding
UP.   When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP.   When it rains,
the earth soaks it UP.   When it does not rain for awhile,
things dry UP.   One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now .  . 
.  my time is UP!

Oh .  .  .  one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning
and the last thing you do at night?

U

P !

Did that one crack you UP?

Don't screw UP.   Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book
or not;  it's UP to you.

Now I'll shut UP!

Remember the Muppets?
 Click here

Covering everybody this time !!!!

Jim Henson had such foresight!

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From: Wally

YMCA
 Click here

Link & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Amazing Grace (Andy Andrews)
 Click here

Tokyo's Tsukiji Market

Tsukiji in central Tokyo, is a large wholesale market for fruits,
vegetables, flowers and meat, but it’s fish and seafood for which
Tsukiji is most famous for. Everyday about 2,000 metric tons of seafood
passes through the market. It is the biggest wholesale fish and seafood
market in the world, and also one of the largest wholesale food markets of
any kind.

Tokyo's earliest fish market, was established on the banks of Nihonbashi
River, but after the 1923 Earthquake devastated much of central Tokyo, the
market was relocated to the
Tsukiji district. It began operating in 1935, and has since become one of
the most popular tourist destinations in the city. The most famous is the
tuna auction where competition can drive prices upwards of several thousand
dollars for a single fish. In 2013, a 489-pound
Blue Fin tuna was sold for a a mind-boggling $1.76 million.

The auction takes place in the inner market,
where only licensed wholesale dealers operate. Visitors start lining up at
3am in the morning, to be one of the lucky few who are allowed to see the
auction every day. The outer market is open to all, and is a mixture of
wholesale and retail shops, that sell Japanese kitchen tools, restaurant
supplies, groceries, and seafood, and many restaurants.

The auction begins at about 5:30 AM and ends at 10 AM. After the fish is
purchased it is cut, and prepared for retail in one of the many shops
inside the market. For large fish like tuna,
it is an elaborate process. Frozen tuna and swordfish are often cut with
large band saws, and fresh tuna is carved with extremely long knives some
well over a metre in length.

The Tsukiji fish market handles more than 400 different types of seafood
from cheap seaweed to the most expensive caviar, and from tiny sardines, to
300 kg tuna, and even controversial whale species. About 700,000 metric
tons of seafood worth $6 billion dollars are sold here every year.

Later this year, the Tsukiji market will be moved to a new destination on
Tokyo Bay, to release valuable real estate in Tsukiji. The city plans to
lay a road through this area, as
Japan prepares Tokyo for the 2020 Olympics.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Anthony the Squeaker
 Click here

Another Southwest Flight Attendant
 Click here

Survivor Trees

File links:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

MV Los Llanitos

The Mexican owned bulk carrier MV Los Llanitos is breaking apart, and close
to sinking, off the coast of Mexico. She ran aground on 23rd October, 2015,
near Barra de Navidad, Mexico,
after attempting to ride out Category 5 Hurricane Patricia. They removed
11,484 litres of oil, 489 cubic metres of diesel, and other contaminants
from aboard the ship, after Mexican officials determined that the vessel
was beyond saving, and the ship was abandoned. There are two fractures that
have grown over the nine months she has been aground, the first is on the
starboard bow, about thirteen metres high by three metres wide, while the
second only about eight metres high by 1.5 metres wide, is more dangerous,
by lifting the centre deck, which will cause the ship to break apart, and
sink, in the very near future. The MV Los Llanitos was built in 1993, and
had a dead weight of 71,665 tons.
 Click here

Are You an Alien?

Working  on  the  theory  that millions
of  years ago, extra terrestrials spliced
alien code into our DNA, the New York
Times  offers  a  list  of  11 signs, that
say you might be part extra terrestrial.
   a.. Have had paranormal experiences
   b.. Feeling homesick
   c.. Believing you have a mission
   d.. Highly sensitive
   e.. Don't fit in with mainstream society
   f.. Animals and children are drawn to you
   g.. Vivid dreams
   h.. Telepathic abilities
   i.. Age well
   j.. High pitched ringing in ears
   k.. A natural understanding of the Universe

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From: Whizzbang

A LITTLE GENTLE "FAITH BASED"
HUMOUR.

LOT'S  WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how
Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little
Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once while she was driving," he
announced  triumphantly, "And she turned into a telephone  pole!"

          ________________________________

GOOD  SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of  the Good
Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside,
all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A  thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence,  "I think I'd throw 
up."

           ________________________________

DID  NOAH FISH?

A Sunday  school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

           ________________________________

HIGHER  POWER

A Sunday school teacher said to her children,
"We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in
Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child  blurted out,   "Aces!"

         ________________________________

MOSES  AND THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday
School.

"Well,  Mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a
rescue mission to lead the
Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build
a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed
headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge
and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother 
asked.

"Well, no, Mum, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
believe  it!"

          ________________________________

THE  LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

A Sunday  School teacher decided to have her young class  memorise one of
the most quoted passages in the Bible -
Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the
Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the
congregation, Ricky was so nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,
"The Lord is my  Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

           ________________________________

UNANSWERED  PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused
and bowed his head for a  moment before starting his sermon. One day, she
asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began,  proud that his daughter was so observant of his
messages. "I'm asking the
Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

          ____________________

BEING  THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious  six-year-old boy,
"So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very
commendable.  What does she say?"

The  little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

               ________________________________

UNTIMELY  ANSWERED PRAYER

During the minister's  prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one
of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into
silence and, after church, asked,
"Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Tommy answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!"

           ________________________________

TIME  TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.

"Yes,  sir." the boy replied.

"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.

"No sir," the boy replied. "I
ain't scared in the  daytime"

          ________________________________

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every
family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For
several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,
"And all girls."

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My
curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add
the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All
Men'!"

          ________________________________

SAY A  PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's
house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny!  Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy  replied.

"Of course,  you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before
eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny
explained.  "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"

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From: Whizzbang

Ernie Dingo - The house Auction (He is a funny bloke!)
 Click here

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Quote of the Week:

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started.”

  - Mark Twain.

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[ End friday humour ]

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