Friday humour - August 12, 2016


Another fun filled week – between the Olympics and the Australian Census
– most of us have not ben able to sleep much. They claimed the census was
not hackable, but they took down the website after it was hacked 4 times.
At least we had the Olympics to keep us occupied while trying to get on the

As always thanks to Anonymous 3, Duke of Barsinov, Krp, Sack, Seasoldier,
Whizzbag , Wally and Haz

Till next time



Our Incredibly Beautiful World

Jet wash in the morning mist
 Click here

Unusual cloud. Now we know how to look like angels
 Click here

Ice cave, illuminated by a torch
 Click here

Ladybug in the morning dew
 Click here

Cloud: incredible picture
 Click here

Rainover ravninoi - view from the airplane
 Click here

One in a million
 Click here

The tsunami of clouds
 Click here

A magical place in Austria - Grer See
 Click here

A rare and wonderful atmospheric phenomenon - "fire rainbow"

This optical effect in the atmosphere, manifested in the appearance of a
horizontal rainbow, localized on a background of light, high cirrus clouds

are located.
 Click here

Rainbow refraction of light in water droplets
 Click here

Morskoi sand under a microscope with a 300-fold increase
 Click here

Rhodochrosite - Beautiful Shii mineral, also known as the Rose of the Inca
 Click here

The view from the height of 8000 meters
 Click here

Splash - from the stone thrown into the water during sunset
 Click here

In rare cases, you can see a rainbow at 360 from the plane
 Click here

The crystal clear ice of Baikal
 Click here

Blooming lotus
 Click here

Lavender fields. Dawn. Imagine the aroma ..
 Click here

Frame-fire the reflection of the setting sun in her hair
 Click here

Winter Fairy
 Click here


As I Get Older, I Think Differently

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to meet some
friends and have some hot Wings and an ice tea. After being there for a
while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck
in an elevator with.I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators".
I'm old, I'm tired, and I have to pee a lot.


Dear Dorothy,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning
and when I confront him, he denies everything.  What's worse, everyone
knows he cheats on me. It's so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new
one.  All he does all day is smoke cigars, play golf, cruise around and
shoot ball with his buddies and has s*x with hookers, while I work so hard
to pay our bills.

Since our daughter went away to college and then got married; he doesn't
even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?




Dear Confused:

Grow up and dump him.

You don't need him anymore!

Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!


Men can't win...

Oh what a tangled language English is and how easy it is to

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a

The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I
have had a lovely time.

You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I
call on you tomorrow?'

She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him
hard across the face.

He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.

She said... I looked up "beautiful climbing rose" on Google last night and
it said "Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in
an open bed."


Wedding Ceremony.

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say
concerning the union of the bride and groom.

It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying
a baby.

She started slowly walking toward the pastor.

Everything quickly turned to chaos.

The bride slapped the groom.

The groom's mother fainted.

The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to
help save the situation.

The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do
you have to say?"

The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back."


Story Of The Week
 Click here


Grins & Snickers

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.

 Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the
check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight
when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart
and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"


 Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor
and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table.

 "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have
45 minutes."

 They were seated immediately.


The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would
"hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have passed.


All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the
aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her
father and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the
priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit


Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea.


Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your
casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what
would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man."

  Eugene  commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."

  Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"


 Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

 Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to

 The Lord replies, "A minute."

 Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

 The Lord replies, "A penny."

 Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

 The Lord replies, "In a minute."


  John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request,
dear," he said.

 "Of course, John," his wife said softly.

 "Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."

 "But I thought you hated Bob," she said..

 With his last breath John said, "I do!"


 A man goes to see the Rabbi. '

 "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I  have to talk to you about

 The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

 The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."

 The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

 The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison
me. What should I do?"

 The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I
can find out and I'll let you know."

 A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to  your wife on
the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

 The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."


Reality at it's best !!

This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him
how he ended up this way.

 He said: "Up until last week, I still had it all!!! I had a roof over my
head, a cook, my clothes were washed & pressed, I had TV, internet, I went
to the gym, the pool, the library, school if I wanted ..."

 I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce???"

  "Oh no, nothing like that" he said. "No, no ... I got out of prison!


The Irish sausage


Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them - they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

 Murphy said œHang on, I have an idea. 

 He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large

Shamus said  œAre you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!  

Murphy replied,  œDon't worry - just follow me.   He went into the pub
here he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of
Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said  œNow you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be
in? We haven't got any money!  

Murphy replied, with a smile.  œDon't worry. I have a plan, cheers!  

They downed their drinks. Murphy said,  œOK, I'll stick the sausage
through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.  

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for

At the tenth pub Shamus said  œMurphy - I don't think I can do any more of
this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!  

Murphy said,  œHow do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I
lost the sausage in! ! !  



Apple computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that
can store and play stereo music in women's Breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499 and $699.00, depending on speaker size.

this is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always
complained about men staring at their breast and not listening to them.


Bandit the bull
 Click here


Italian Cemetery Visit

Francesca went to the cemetery in her village to water the flowers on the
grave of her deceased husband, Enzo.

When she was finished, she always walked backwards as she left the grave.

One day her friend Bianca asked, "Francesca, why do you always leave the
cemetery walking backwards?"

Francesca answered, "When Enzo was alive he always told me, 'You've got
such a great ass it could bring a dead man back to life!'

So, I'm not taking any chances!!"


Olympic Greek History

 2500 years ago a slave call-girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee pronounced
(get-offa'-me) was attending the first athletic festival in Greece .

 This festival had no name.

 In those days the athletes performed naked. To prevent unwanted arousal
while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink, containing saltpeter
before and throughout the variety of events.

 At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee
observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she

 "Oh! Limp pr*cks!"

 Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into

 Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.

 You are welcome.

 Please do enjoy the summer Olympics.


True Story



(Last Tuesday),

 Woman saves herself in Crocodile attack using a small Walking Stick.

 This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave,

 Cool-headed woman with a walking stick against a fierce predator.

 */Here is her story in her own words:/*

 "While out walking along the edge of a creek just outside

 Of our house in Darwin,

 With my soon to be ex-husband

 Discussing our property settlement,

 Kids and other divorce issues,

 We were surprised by a huge 5 metre. Crocodile

 Which suddenly emerged from the murky water

 And began charging at us very fast with its large jaws wide open.

 The Croc must have been protecting her young

 And her home because she was extremely aggressive.

 If I had not had my little $5. Dollar Reject shop

 Walking stick with me,

 I would not be here today!

 Just one Hard Wack to my estranged husband's knee cap

 Was all it took..

 The' Croc got him easily and I was able to escape

 By just walking away at a brisk pace.

 The amount I saved in lawyers fees was really incredible

 And I got the lot.



Got home real late last night after a full day of golfing and hanging out
with the guys,and my wife left me a message in the kitchen.Bless her heart.
She wants me to eat more fruit...


6 reasons

 A must read......We have all had an EMBARRASSING moment.

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


 I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl*w job?'

 I turned around and walked back out and never went back

 My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.


 I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

 I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.

 After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the
good-looking gentlemen who work at the store.

 He asked if he could help me.

 Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with
men's balls'


 My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety
of candy and nuts.

 As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked
if we needed any help. I replied, ' No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'

 My sister started to laugh hysterically.

 The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

 To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


 While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.

 I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.

 I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be

 To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, 'if you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'

 The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing.

 I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my
daughter in tow.

 The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of


 Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

 My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in
between errands it was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying
my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.

 The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him
if he needed to go, and he said 'No'... I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that
child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I
said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'

 'No,' he replied.

 I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse.

 Soooooo, I asked one more time,

 'Danny did you have an accident?

 This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his
cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'

 While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly
pulled up his pants and sat down.


 This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days

 and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,

 in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you
predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day
after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman

 and asked:  'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'

 Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were
laughing so hard!


last try...

 Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister,
this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but
you may not speak until directed to do so."

 Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to
her, "Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two
words." Sister Mary said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest
said. "We will get you a better bed."

 After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest. "You may
say another two words, Sister Mary."

 "Cold food," said Sister Mary, and the Priest assured her that the food
would be better in the future.

 On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister
Mary in to his office. "You may say two words today."

 "I quit," said Sister Mary. "It's probably best," said the Priest. "You've
done nothing but complain since you got here."


 Click here


Farmer's Maths

A farmer died leaving his 17 horses To his three sons.

 When his sons opened up the will it read:

 My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses;

 My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses;

 My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.

 As it's impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9,

 The three sons started to fight with each other.

 So, they decided to go to a farmer friend who they considered quite smart,

 To see if he could work it out for them.

 The farmer friend read the Will patiently, and after giving due thought

 He brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17.

 That increased the total to 18 horses.

 Now, he divided the horses according to their father's will.

 1/2 of 18 = 9. So he gave the Eldest son 9 horses.

 1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the Middle son 6 horses.

 1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the Youngest son 2 horses.

 Now add up how many horses they Have:

 Eldest son 9

 Middle son 6

 Youngest son 2

 TOTAL = 17

 Now this leaves one horse over, so, the farmer friend takes his horse back
to his Farm.

 Problem solved!


I'm in Hospital Badly attacked - Hold my emails until further notice!

I was badly attacked by a woman in a lift.

A witness got her photo.

I was in the lift when she got in.

I was casually staring at her b*obs when she said,

"Would you please press 1."

So I did .... and I don't remember much afterwards.

May be out of the hospital in a few days.


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Scorpion in Your Tent
 Click here

 During a lecture to a Combined Services Staff Officers' Course the
instructor posed the question, "What would you do if you found a scorpion
in your tent?"

A Naval Officer said, "I'd drown it."

An Army Officer said, "I'd hit it with my boot."

A SAS Officer said, "I'd catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it."

An Air Force Officer said, "I'd call a steward and find out why there's a
tent in my room."


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Parachute Landing with a difference!
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 Neither the pilot nor the skydiver was seriously injured when they hit the

 according to the local Sheriff's Office. Both men were taken to a

 The skydiver was treated and released and the pilot was being held for
observation overnight.


Three trees & a woodpecker......

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here
is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree
begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a
son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but
just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if hat is
a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither
a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of
ash I have ever poked my pecker into.


This is Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns
 Click here


It's all in your perspective.

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.Dorothy: "That nice
George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last
week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my house punctually at 7 pm,
dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such
beautiful flowers ! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there ; a
limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a
marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I
could have just died from pleasure ! So then we are coming back to my
apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my
expensive new dress and has his way with me three times !"Dorothy:
"Goodness gracious ! So you are telling me I shouldn't go ?" Edna: "No, no,
no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress."


Links & Photos
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Dads Heart
 Click here

Bird races Cars
 Click here

Wind Turbine on Fire
 Click here

1007 Robots Dancing (Guinness World Record)
 Click here


Big Bang in Singapore
 Click here Click here

Late on Wednesday night (3rd August), the very large tanker MV Dream II,
collided with the 14,000 TEU container ship MSC Alexandra, in the Singapore
Strait, about 1.5 nm from Sebarok Island. The bow of the MV Dream II struck
the port side of the MSC Alexandra, causing damage to her hull, and putting
ten containers over the side, including four which fell onto the deck of
the tanker. The Maritime and Port Authority of Singapore (MPA) said in a
statement, that its Port Operations Control Centre had attempted to warn
the vessels of the impending collision. No injuries or pollution were
reported, and the MPA said that both vessels were stable, and were anchored
in Singapore. MPA dispatched salvage boats to recover the lost containers,
and warned nearby shipping of the hazard to navigation. The 320,000 dwt MV
Dream II is owned by the National Iranian Tanker Company, and she is the
14th largest tanker in the world. The 166,000 dwt, MSC Alexandra is the
51st largest container ship in the world.


Shopping Trolleys
 Click here Click here

Modern, four-wheeled shopping carts were invented in 1937 by Sylvan
Goldman, owner of the Standard Food and Humpty Dumpty grocery store, in
Oklahoma. Before then, shoppers used hand baskets. They also shopped more
often. The four-wheeled carts paved the way for the rise of massive
supermarkets, because they allowed shoppers to acc*mulate more stuff,
before heading to the checkout. However, in later years Goldman revealed
that shoppers were initially reluctant to use the four-wheeled carts. They
reminded women of pushing a baby carriage, and men thought they were
unmanly. So Goldman hired attractive models to push the carts around his
stores. When a customer entered, a young model would offer a shopping cart.
This was the gimmick that did the trick, and the carts were then accepted
without further difficulty.


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Links & Photos
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 Click here

July 2016 News Bloopers
 Click here

Poop Cafe
 Click here

Mahdi Gilbert (Magician with no hands)
 Click here

8 X Humvees in Airdrop from C-17
 Click here


Most Items Kicked Off Peoples Heads in One Minute
 Click here

Female Martial Artist, Silvana Shamuon, 23, recently established a new
Guinness world record, in Montreal, Canada, for the category of, "Most
Items Kicked Off People's Heads in One Minute."

 She kicked 59 American footballs off people's heads.

 According to the rules, her foot had to touch the floor between each kick,
and the people with the footballs on their heads, had to have a minimum
height of 5' 4.1". And they couldn't be bending their knees to lower their

 Shamuon beat the previous record of 57 plastic cones, established by
Gaurav Goley last year.

 As I watch the video, I'm pretty sure that Shamuon got in a few good kicks
direct to people's heads, which moved their head enough to cause the ball
to fall. Also, it seems to me that some of the footballs fell, before
Shamuon even raised her leg. I don't know if those got included in the
final count .... Wally


The Old Man & The Gunslinger

 He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there,
brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger
stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in
the other.

 The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old
man, have you ever danced?"

 The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, never did dance,,,
never really wanted to."

 A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old
man, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

 The old man prospector not wanting to get his toe blown off, started
hopping around. Everybody was laughing.

 When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing,
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

 The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled
shotgun, and c*cked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through
the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

 The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very
slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young
gunman stared at the old man and the large gaping holes of those twin gun

 The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he
quietly said, "Son, Have you ever licked a mule's backside?"

 The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No Sir ... But... I've always
wanted to."

 There are a few lessons for us all here:

1 - Never be arrogant.

2 - Don't waste ammunition.

3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid  ¦

 I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you!


Goodbye Ben
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

The final saga of the ill-fated bulk carrier MV Benita, was played out,
last Sat*rday, 30th July. If you remember, this story started with a fight
on board the ship, between the crew members, and as a result, the ship ran
aground, on the 17th June.

They tried to re-float the MV Benita, but had little success.

They finally got her off the rocks, after extensive repair work, on the
23rd July, and started the long tow to India.

 The bulk carrier MV Benita, which was under tow en route from Mauritius to
India, sank some 93.5 nautical miles from Mauritius on July 30, according
to Greek company Five Oceans Salvage. The vessel turned over by the stern
at approximately 13:35 local time, after having earlier taken a severe
stern trim, and subsequently sank at a charted depth of 4,400 metres. There
were no crew members aboard the bulk carrier at the time of the sinking.
The tug Ionian Sea FOS had to activate the tow line quick release system,
in anticipation of the incident, the salvage company said, adding that all
the crew from the tug are safe and accounted for. No debris or pollution
was observed around the vessel, however the Ionian Sea FOS remained on site
to monitor further for signs of any pollution. The 1998-built MV Benita ran
aground on June 17, off Mahebourg, Mauritius, as a result of a fight, which
broke out between the vessel  ™s crew members. The bulker was re-floated
on July 23, following extensive repair works, and began the long tow to


She's Absolutely Right of Course.
 Click here
steriods and drug don't know what your talking

Russian Olympic pole-vaulter Svetlana Gevenskaia says she doesn't know what
all the fuss is about.


[ End friday humour ]

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