Friday humour - August 05, 2016



Friday Humour.

Hilarity and entertainment, brought to you this week by Arfermo, DigiSteve,
DigiMaria,

Duke of Barsinov, Haz, KRP, Sack, Seasoldier, Whizzbang and last but not
least, Wally!

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Free haircuts for the homeless!!
 Click here

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Somebody has way too much time ...

For the nerds out there .
 Click here

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Pizza Question, 8 or 12 slices?

Have faith in our education system.
 Click here

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Donald Trump

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While he is on a tour
of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the
American Diplomats accompanying him, "You can have him shipped home for
$50,000 or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for just $100."  The
American diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a few minutes.
They come back to the undertaker and tell him they want Trump shipped home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship
him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $100?"  The diplomats replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried
here,
and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk." 

Potius mori quam foedari "

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Hey you'll enjoy this
 Click here

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Lightning Strike, Chicago USA
 Click here

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For Your Legal Knowledge!

Sounds hilarious but it is a Fact !!!!

"In old Roman Courts, instead of taking oath on the sacred books, men used
to swear holding their testicles.

Hence the word 'testify' originated from 'testicles'.
If proved false, the testes of liars were cut & fed to the dogs tied
nearby.

(This punitive action could be very effective even today, especially for
many politicians in power !!!)

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Wearing Burkas in the land of Cotton

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on e bay any more) and
peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood
Watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.
Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on e bay) and
ran it up the flag pole ...

Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret
Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt
safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burkas for my family when we shop or travel.

Everyone moves out of the way and security can't pat us down.

Hot Damn - Safe at last!

Ain't America great or what?

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Gun permit

I got my gun permit so --
Yesterday, I went over to the local Walmart to get a small 9 mm for home
protection.
When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip
down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she
was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
I still don't think I looked that bad.

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The s*xual Activity Of Senior Males

The frequency of s*xual activity of senior males depends on where they were
born. Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United
Nations
B.O.H. Team, revealing that:

North American men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have
s*x two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more),
whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have s*x only
once or twice per year if they are lucky.

This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my buddies at
the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.

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Spanish Computer

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining  to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either  masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine:  'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A  student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead  of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and  female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer'
should be a  masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give
four reasons for  its recommendation.

The men's group decided that  'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'),  because:

1. No one but their creator  understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to  communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone  else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for  possible
later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to  one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for  it.

The women's group, however,  concluded that computers  should be Masculine
('el computador'),  because:

1. In order to do anything with  them, you have to turn  them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still  can't think for  themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve  problems,
but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one,  you realize that if you  had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a  better  model.

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Mayo Clinic - Drinking water and heart attacks

DRINKING WATER

A cardiologist determined that heart attacks can be triggered by
dehydration.

Good Thing To Know. From The Mayo Clinic. How many folks do you know who
say they don't want to drink anything before going to bed because they'll
have to get up during the night?

Heart Attack and Water - Drinking one glass of water before going to bed
avoids stroke or heart attack.   Interesting.......

Something else I didn't know ... I asked my Doctor why people need to
urinate so much at night time.

Answer from my Cardiac Doctor:  Gravity holds water in the lower part of
your body when you are upright (legs swell). When you lie down and the
lower body (legs and etc) seeks level with the kidneys, it is then that the
kidneys remove the water because it is easier. I knew you need your minimum
water to help flush the toxins out of your body, but this was news to me.

Correct time to drink water... Very Important. From A Cardiac Specialist!

Drinking water at a certain time maximizes its effectiveness on the body:

2 glasses of water after waking up - helps activate internal organs

1 glass of water 30 minutes before a meal - helps digestion

1 glass of water before taking a bath - helps lower blood pressure

1 glass of water before going to bed - avoids stroke or heart attack

I can also add to this... My Physician told me that water at bed time will
also help prevent night time leg cramps. Your leg muscles are seeking
hydration when they cramp and wake you up with a Charlie Horse.

Mayo Clinic on Aspirin - Dr. Virend Somers is a Cardiologist from the Mayo
Clinic who is the lead author of the report in the July 29, 2008 issue of
the Journal of the American College of Cardiology.

Most heart attacks occur in the day, generally between 6 A.M. and noon.
Having one during the night, When the heart should be most at rest, means
that something unusual happened. Somers and his colleagues have been
working for a decade to show that sleep apnea is to blame.

1. If you take an aspirin or a baby aspirin once a day, take it at night.

The Reason:  Aspirin has a 24-hour "half-life"; therefore, if most heart
attacks happen in the wee hours of the morning, the Aspirin would be
strongest in your system.

2. Aspirin lasts a really long time in your medicine chest; for years.
(when it gets old, it smells like vinegar).

Please read on.

Something that we can do to help ourselves - nice to know.  Bayer is making
crystal aspirin to dissolve instantly on the tongue. They work much faster
than the tablets.

Why keep Aspirin by your bedside? It's about Heart Attacks - There are
other symptoms of a heart attack, besides the pain on the left arm.One must
also be aware of an intense pain on the chin, as well as nausea and lots of
sweating; however, these symptoms may also occur less frequently.

Note: There may be NO pain in the chest during a heart attack.

The majority of people (about 60%) who had a heart attack during their
sleep did not wake up. However, if it occurs, the chest pain may wake you
up from your deep sleep. If that happens, immediately dissolve two aspirins
in your mouth and swallow them with a bit of water.

Afterwards: - Call 911. - Phone a neighbor or a family member who lives
very close by. Say "heart attack!" - Say that you have taken 2 Aspirins. -
Take a seat on a chair or sofa near the front door, and wait for their
arrival and ........DO NOT LIE DOWN!

A Cardiologist has stated that if each person after receiving this e-mail,
sends it to 10 people, probably one life could be saved! I have already
shared this information. What about you? Do forward this message. It may
save lives!

"Life is a one time gift" (Let's forward and hope this will help save
some!!!)

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Grandpa of the Year

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved
grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and
all sorts of things.

The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice "Easy, William, we won't be
long."

Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say "It's okay
William.

Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.  Hang in there.”

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart.

Grandfather says again in a controlled voice "William, relax mate, don't
get upset.

We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading
his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.  I don't
know how you did it.

That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and
disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.
William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."

"Thanks," says the grandfather, "but I am William, this little bastard's
name is Kevin."

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Q'eswachaka Bridge

What an amazing feat!
 Click here

Please share...and enjoy...

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THE LONGEST NERVE IN THE BODY

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the
eyeball to the anus?

It's called the Anal-Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a
sh*tty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't
bring a tear to your eyes!

My public service is done for the day!

Keep laughing... life is too short to take it too seriously...

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Spin, the Australian way!

SPIN, THE AUSTRALIAN WAY

No matter what side of the political fence you're on, THIS is FUNNY and
VERY telling! It just all depends on how you look at the same things.

Judy Rudd, an amateur genealogy researcher in south east Queensland , was
doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that
ex-Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged
for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889.

Both Judy and Kevin share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the
Melbourne Jail.

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this
inscription:

'Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Melbourne Jail 1885, escaped 1887, robbed
the Melbourne-Geelong train six times.

Caught by Victoria Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed ex-Prime Minister Rudd for information about
their great-great uncle, Remus Rudd.

Believe it or not, Kevin staff sent back the following for her genealogy
research:

"Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s.

His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian
assets and intimate dealings with the Melbourne-Geelong Railroad..

Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government
service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.

In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Victoria
Police Force.

In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his
honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

NOW That's how it's done, Folks!

That's real  POLITICAL SPIN.

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Husbands & Wives

*Seller conducting a market survey asked a woman, "Which book has helped

you most in your life?"

*The woman replied, "My husband's cheque book!!¯*

*A prospective husband in a book store

"Do you have a book called,

'Husband-- the Master of the House'?*

*Sales Girl: "Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 2nd floor.¯*

*Someone asked an old man: Even after 70 years,

you still call your wife

Darling, Honey, Luv.  What's the secret?*

*Old man: I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask*

*Wife: I wish I were a newspaper so I'd be in your hands all day.*

*Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,

so I could have a new one  every day!*

*Husband to wife "Today is a fine day."¯ Next day he says: "Today is a

fine day."¯ Again next day, he says same thing  "Today is a fine day."¯

Finally after a week, the wife asks her husband "Since last week, you are

saying today is a fine day. I am fed up. Whats the matter?" *

*Husband: "Last week when we had an argument,

you said, I will leave you  one fine day.

I was just trying to remind you."*

*Have a laugh, laughter is the best medicine, Pass it on.*

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Positive Attitude

Late in the night, He finally regained consciousness.

He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips
in both arms,

a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering
over him.

He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke
to him slowly

and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything
from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply,

"Can I feel your b*obs, then?"

AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE.

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NO S*X  SINCE 1955

A crusty old   Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted
by a  local  liberal arts college.

There was no  shortage of young,  idealistic ladies in attendance, one of
whom  approached  the Sergeant Major and  asked,

'Excuse me,   Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something   bothering you?'

'Negative,  ma'am.  Just serious by nature.'

The young lady  looked at his awards and decorations and said, ''It looks
like you  have  seen a lot of  action?''

''Yes,ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady,  tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,  'You
know, you   should lighten up a little.

 Relax and  enjoy  yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious  manner.

Finally the  young  lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but  when is  the last time you had s*x?'

 '1955,' he   replied.

'Well, there  you  are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to
chill out!

 I mean, no s*x  since  1955! '

 She took his  hand  and led him to a private room where she proceeded to
'relax' him  several  times.

Afterwards,   panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, 'Wow, you sure  didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch,
'I hope not;  it's only 2130 now.'

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Paralympics Promo

Worth the look

Paralympics Promo
 Click here

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Gasoline in France.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

The price of gasoline in France ?

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made
it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when
his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an
obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the
paintings."

"I had no Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh."

See if you have De Gaulle to
send this on to someone else..

I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

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Check this out -
 Click here Click here Click here

So, you think you have good powers of observation? Try this!

Do not glance at the end until you have looked at the three photos!  Pay
close attention to each scene.  Tricky Colgate has created a very ingenious
advertising campaign to promote their dental floss.  But.... before I
explain to you the main detail of these images, I will let you observe them
quietly on your own.

Alright.......... now that you've had time to quietly observe the
images......
   
* In the first photograph, you might have noticed that the woman has six
fingers on her left hand,
   
* In the second photograph, a phantom arm is floating behind the man,
   
* and in the third photograph, the man has only one ear.
   
The campaign attained its purpose.  It proved that food debris on your
teeth draws more attention than any physical defect does.
 
How well did you do??
 
You failed the whole thing?
 
So did I!!
 
So now you know that no matter what physical "defect" you might feel
self-conscious about, just stick a chunk of spinach between your front
teeth and no one will notice anything else about you!

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The stalker
 Click here

Make sure you carry your water bottle with you at all times.  Good one to
remember.

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Awesome......(or bloody mad!!)
 Click here

Something for you adrenaline junkies.........or crazy people?

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Getting ready for NBN in the bush!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Getting ready for NBN in the bush!!

LOGON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.

WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season..

BYTE: What mozzies do

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A pub snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives and forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

 WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

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All the chapel bells were ringing,
This will brighten your day !!!!
Wonder how many rehearsals they had to do to perfect this?
I don't know how they keep a straight face.
 Click here

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Kalahari Desert photos... beyond spectacular!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Hannes Lochner - Kalahari Desert photos

Wildlife photographer Hannes Lochner spent 750 days in the harsh
surroundings of the Kalahari Desert to chronicle

the life of a female leopard and in doing so delved into a dark and
fascinating nocturnal world of big cats and other predators.

Through his incredible project, Mr Lochner, 41, doc*mented the struggle of
Luna the leopard to raise cubs in one of the most punishing environments on
earth, where big predators become more active at night, and when the
photographer's visibility is severely diminished. Undeterred by the threat
of the big cats, Mr Lochner spent thousands of hours in his Jeep at night,
capturing remarkable moments with Luna, a pride of lions, a pack of jackals
and other predators.

Striking: The life of Luna the leopard was doc*mented in stills by
photographer Hannes Lochner over a two-year period

Mr Lochner travelled a colossal 100,000km during his time at the Kgalagadi
Transfrontier Park in South Africa.
The images, collected in his new book 'The Dark Side of the Kalahari',
capture the awe-inspiring beauty and breathtaking diversity of life in the
region. Shooting mostly at night, the Cape
Town-born photographer had to brave night-time temperatures of -13 in the
winter, while trying to catch up on his sleep in sweltering 40C heat in the
day.

'I have always been fascinated by leopards, and my dream was to follow and
doc*ment a leopard raising cubs in this Kalahari hostile environment,'
Hannes said. 'There are few female leopards in the south of the park, and
we started tracking one with a cub of 12 months old.

Magical: Filming Luna with her cubs was the highlight of Mr Lochner's
two-year project immersed in the Kalahari Desert,
describing the special moments with the cubs as 'incredible'

Framed: Luna was the focus of Mr Lochner's attention throughout the two
years he spent in the desert,
following her day and night, but she was most active at night

'She was not very accommodating, and took us at least three months to get
used to us. She didn't have a tracking device so we had to track her the
hard way. Lots of hours in the bush.'

Entertainment: During his two-year project, Mr Lochner was privy to a host
of fascinating and often comical moments in the animal kingdom in the
Kalahari Desert, including this fox cub playing with a mouse

Baffled: These two owls appeared to be bemused and fascinated by an insect
that scurried between them

All creatures great and small: Animals both large and small were snapped by
Mr Lochner during his time in the Kalahari,
including this tiny lizard (L), snapped scuttling across the sand at night,
and another lizard (R) captured balancing on a seed pod as it blew in the
wind

Also, unusually for leopards, she was regularly joined by 'family man'
Oscar, the father of all three litters.

Lochner was accompanied on his travels by his partner Noa Koefler, who did
all the film work for the project.
Her video clips can be seen on the App that will be released at the end
October to accompany Lochner's images.

First light: Luna had three litters of cubs throughout the two years she
was photographed, the first and last set survived, the middle set of cubs
were taken by hyenas

Predator: Among the many predators in the desert that would eat Luna's cubs
were the lions

Close up: Fearless lions could easily take Luna's cubs is the opportunity
arose

High alert: Luna was alone in the desert protecting and feeding herself and
her cubs; the lions worked in a pride and there were always members on high
alert for opportunities for food

Deadly: The roar of the lions and other greeting calls could be heard from
miles across the desert

During the day, the pride of lions would often rest - as would Luna - as
the temperatures rose and the flies came out

Pack: A group of jackals also posed a threat, capable of taking Luna's cubs
if hungry. Here they fight over the remains of a carcass in the Kalahari,
South Africa

As the sun set, the big cats, including Luna and her cubs and the lions,
would seek out opportunities for food and Mr Lochner would begin taking his
photos

Attentive: The striking looking female leopard scoured the desert when
night fell searching for threats and opportunities for food

Asked to nominate his favourite moment from his two years in the Kalahari,
Lochner goes for his time photographing Luna's cubs.

'They are amazing animals and incredible to photograph, we spent time at at
least 12 different den sites,' he added.

Snarl: A close-up of a leopard's mouth shows a healthy set of sharp teeth
to the camera

Dramatic: Night time work produced some incredible shots, including this
lioness trying to sleep as thunder storm raged nearby

Beneath a blanket of stars, one leopard was captured walking past a
magnificent lone tree in the desert

Serene: A single owl flew into a stunning night-time landscape of the
Kalahari Desert, as lightning lit up the horizon

Silent: A lone leopard scans the vegetation from a rocky perch on a starry
night, captured in this incredible time-elapsed photo of the night sky

Photographer Hannes Lochner spent much of his time taking photos at night
from his jeep while his partner Noa Koefler did all the film work for the
project

Mr Lochner's book 'The Dark Side of the Kalahari' chronicles the life of
Luna the leopard and her struggle to raise her litters of cubs

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Really?
 Click here

NOT SURE I'm going to watch the Olympics this yr .

Russian Olympic pole-vaulter Svetlana Gevenskaia says she doesn't know what
all the fuss is about

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Thoughts from Paratroopers
 Click here

Thoughts from Paratroopers performing static line jumps, from C-17
Globemaster III aircraft. They are from the 82nd and 101st Airborne
Division, jumping into Sicily Drop Zone, at Fort Bragg, North Carolina.

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Quezon City Jail
 Click here Click here

Quezon   City   Jail,   Manila,   Philippines,   where 3,800 inmates serve
time, in a prison built for 800.

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Nobody likes an Old President
 Click here Click here

Nobody likes a used President

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Bubba Watson's Star Trek Golf
 Click here

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Modobag
 Click here

Shortest Ever Weather Forecast (Only one word, don't miss it)
 Click here

Inside Legoland
 Click here

Legoland Hotel
 Click here

Maritime Law (Interesting)
 Click here

Space Law (Interesting)
 Click here

Boeing 787-9 Dreamliner
 Click here

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How to Parallel Park
 Click here

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24 X Parking
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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C.S.I UK style . . . . . . adult humour . . .
 Click here

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Apple Scotland
 Click here

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Road hugging tyre
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

The spare looks a bit bald.
Can someone give the driver a pair of clean  shorts?
This is when  the thought, "don't  move"  comes to mind.

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Superb Caricatures
 Click here

Very interesting.

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How I crashed my Harley
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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