Friday humour - July 29, 2016

 From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

In between tasks editing this page your editor has been in France and
Belgium on a Battlefield Tour and spent a day at Fromelles along with
another at Pozieres Centenary Services. Two battles which cost our country
so many good lives.

The tour was an eye opening experience to say the least and I felt
privileged to be in attendance at both events.

Part of the tour was an attendance at Menin Gate in Yepres, (known locally
as 'Leper' & to the troops as 'Wipers'.). 

The gate is inscribed with the names of those 'British' Soldiers who died 
on the Western Front who have no known grave. There are 44,300+ Australian 
Soldiers from all 60 Battalions who fought.

“Lest we forget”.

So, now to this weeks edit.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack

Subject: Mensa Invitational

Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the
dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and 
supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an as*hole.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realise it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8 Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

16 Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.

Subject: Some Irish Humour

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in
his new parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath
of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead
in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police
station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and
would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the
matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognisingthe
Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father,
replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took
care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a moment..........

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier

Subject: America's Got Talent.....
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally

Subject: The 2016 Australian Census

As you may or may not realise, the next Australian Census will be taken in
15 days time on Tuesday, 9th August, 2016.

For the first time this year you will be able to complete the survey
online, and there will be a 'No Religion' option. Please be careful how you
answer this question. Bear in mind that although many Australians have no
religion these days, the Muslim population in Australia will all declare
that they are Muslim and this fact will be counted to ascertain what type
of country we are in regard to religion.

Even though you may now have no religion, please consider entering the
religion you were christened or born into, when answering this question.
Otherwise in time Australia will officially be declared to be a Muslim
country, because the Australian Bureau of Statistics Census will reflect
this. Just imagine the repercussions if that were to happen.

For Australia's future I would ask you to please pass this message on to
your family members and friends.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Duke of Barsinov (XXX - ED)

Subject: 2016 COLLECTION OF FISHING RODS
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: S*xual activity of Senior Males
 Click here

The frequency of s*xual activity of senior males depends on where they were
born.  Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The
United Nations B.O.H. Team, revealing that: North American men between 60
and 80 years of age, will on average, have s*x two to three times per week,
(and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same
age group, will have s*x only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my buddies at
the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack

Subject: Some good giggles here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack

Subject: Mongolian School Bus
 Click here

   It is not what I would call a bus?

   I would not like to see the result of a rollover.

         As soon as the first child is lifted out start counting.

Subject: Stolen Car---Ya gotta be old to really appreciate this !k

The proud owner of a magnificent 1956 Chevrolet convertible, wrote to say
he had restored the car to perfection over the last few years, and sent
this...

On a very warm summer afternoon he decided to take his car to town. It
needed gas, as the gauge was practically on empty, but he wanted ice cream,
so he headed first to his favouriteice cream shop.

He had trouble finding a parking space and had to park the car down a side
street. He noticed a group of young guys standing around smoking cigarettes
and eyeing my car rather covetously. He was a bit uneasy leaving it there,
but people often take interest in such an old and well-preserved car, so he
went off to enjoy his ice cream.

The line at the ice cream shop was long and it took him quite a while to
return to his car. When he did, his worst fears were realised... his car
was gone.

He called the police and reported the theft and then went back and bought a
quart of pistachio ice cream. About ten minutes later the police called him
to say they had found the car abandoned near a gas station a few miles out
of town.

It was unharmed and he was relieved. It seems just before he called, the
police had received a call from a young woman who was an employee at a
self-service gas station. She told them that three young men had driven in
with this beautiful old convertible. One of them came to the window and
prepaid for 20 dollars worth of gas.

Then all three of them walked around the car. Then they all got in the car
and drove off, without filling the tank.

The question is, why would anybody steal a car, pay for gas that they never
pumped and then abandon the car later and walk away?

They couldn't find where to put the gas!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Socrates
 Click here

The wisdom of Socrates

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread
gossip around.

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you
know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass
a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about
Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first
filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to
tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what  you are
about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes
that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still
pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter  of
Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful
to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True
nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was
a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging 
his wife.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier

Subject: Priceless

The attached photo of Miss Kentucky will stay with her for the rest of
her life. 

  Makeup and hairstyle............ $500

  New dress for the show..........$700

  Giant stuffed bear................. $300

Not knowing how to hold the bear with a microphone in her hand Priceless!!!
 Click here
[It's actually Kylie Minogue - not sure she was ever in Kentucky - admin]

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally

Subject: Nautical News (HMS Ambush & MV Smart)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Subject: Link & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Links & Photos

World Heritage Centre
 Click here

Subject: Name that List
 Click here

Name That List, #31

What is this a list of? The answer is below.

a.. Horse Flies of the Ethiopian Region

b.. The Measurement of Small Holes (translated from Russian)

c.. Illustrated Catalogue of Fleas

d.. S*x Life of the Elephant Seal

e.. Aerodynamic Forces on Biconvex Aerofoils Oscillating in a Supersonic
Slipstream

f.. The Gas Examiner's Working Notes

g.. The Highway Code

h.. The Rent Act and You

i.. Seats for Female Shop Assistants

Answer:

These are some of the page-turning titles that have been published, over
the years, by Her Majesty's Stationery Office, for the benefit of
British taxpayers. You can read a company history of the Stationery
Office Here Sir John Simpson, Controller of the H.M.S.O., admitted in 1957,
"Sometimes I wonder who on earth reads them."

Subject: Links & Photos

File links:
 Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Spider Music
 Click here

The Spirit of Australia
 Click here

Terror Starts in Kindergarten
 Click here

Top 10 X Deadliest Birds in the World (Australia has 2)
 Click here

Kong - Skull Island (Trailer)
 Click here

England - A Beginner's Guide (Language)
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang

Subject: Soccer Practice
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Quote of the Week:

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

  - by Major John McCrae, May 1915.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (July 22, 2016)  Index Next (August 05, 2016)