Friday humour - July 15, 2016

Thanks to Duke of Barsinov, Nottingham Smithie, Haz, Seasoldier, Whizzbang
and Wally for this weeks contributions if you have any great material, this
is always welcome - please send it through


How about this for manual dexterity!?
 Click here harr


Chewing gum - this is brilliant - and X rated!!!!

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in
a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up
a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast,
and replied, 'of course.'
The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them,
transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the
Australian replied, 'of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the
States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds
and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and
sell it to Australia ..
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have s*x in the States?'
The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned
closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Australian?s turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt
them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you
think it's called Wrigley's?'?


Some new Blonde jokes

Two blondes are filling up at a petrol station and the first blonde says to
the second, "I bet these awful fuel prices are going to go even higher."
The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10


One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing
"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a
big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of
trousers for that suit."
"Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I
used them to patch the hole."


Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at
that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"


A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls
of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next
door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in
"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2
rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the
bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."


Blonde Interview
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you
could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."


Why Irish eyes are full of laughter.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,
'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'?

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets,
'Do you want to go to heaven?'?

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.?

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'?

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now.’

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay,
pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went
over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend,

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding
in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.?

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff
one - just had another fight with the little woman.'?

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'?

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.?

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by
grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his
rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful.?

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his
way to bed..?

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt
and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.?

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly,?it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things.


Trying to stop break-ins

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make
sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had -- made for
26 miles of fence!
I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 ft. into the ground.
The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better
the fence works..
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo, Wal-Mart 6 hpig wheel push
The electric fence hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew
for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire
and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and
1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is
about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow
on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of
my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition
firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton
rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with
the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of cr*p lawnmower were
fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot cr*p, pee, and vomit at the same time.
I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and
BAM you just cr*p your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in
between but in reality it was so close together. It was like exhaust pulses
from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the
fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.
I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences. But Dad always had
those piece of cr*p chargers made by International, or whoever, that were
like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 ft. long ground rod is now accepting
signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this
point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the
lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered
in poop,
pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think 'Oh God please die....
Pleeeeaze die.'
But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains
like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its
owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of June, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in
my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He
left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own
stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me,
out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then
another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the
ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the
resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire..
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as
you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better
than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the
number 4 (I still don't understand this).
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me
a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check
before I mow, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow, which
also reminds me to triple check before I mow.


Senior Love .... An oldie but a goody!

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds,
then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife Karen is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'


The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to
testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he
takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol,
puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,
"He says screw you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?


Short and to the Point!

A teacher asks a student:
What kind of woman would you like to be with when you're all grown up?"
woman like the moon!" Answers the kid.
"That's beautiful," breathes the teacher, "what a choice! Because you'd
like her to be beautiful and radiant like the moon?"
"No, I'd like her to appear at night and disappear come morning!"


After bob died, everyone gathered at his funeral. Then the minister started
to speak: "He was a model husband, a decent man, a terrific father.."
The widow then makes a motion for her son to come to her.
"What is it mother?" he whisper.
"Dear, go check the casket, I think we're at the wrong funeral..."


Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "What do you mean nothing? You've been staring at our marriage
certificate for over an hour!"
Husband: "Yea, I'm checking the expiration date."


"The new neighbors are so in love," remarks Susan to her husband, "he hugs
her, kisses her and strokes her hair. Why don't you do that?"
"Because I don't know her that well."


Knock on the door.
"Hello sir, would you like to contribute something to the old folks home?"
"Yes, actually." Beams the old man.
"Inge, put your jacket on and pack a suitcase!"


An elderly couple is walking in the city, hand in hand, when they pass a
jewelery store.
The wife turns to her husband with a smile:
"Love, would you buy me a chain?"
"Why?" Asks the husband, "Tired of being free?"


A woman asks her husband:
"What do you like about me the most? My beautiful face or my s*xy body?"
The husband gives her a long, appreciating look.
"Your sense of humor."

 Be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire.


This clears things up?
 Click here


Love the Scots!

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for
total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands,
once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone,
"Everytime I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced
the quiet...

"Well, foockin stop doin' it then, ya evil bastard!"


what to choose
 Click here
Sometimes its hard to choose what outfit to wear for that special occasion.


Mohammed loading his excavator on a boat
 Click here


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Women - Wisdom Words from Sir William Golding
 Click here Click here


Balls of steel
 Click here


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Canadian Air Show Disaster
 Click here


This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events.
Amazing photo below shows great detail.

The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft.

It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

No one was killed, but it probably scared the s**t out of them.

When you stop laughing send it to someone else who needs a good laugh.


Just what we need - more refugees !!! [XXX]
 Click here


'NO COMMENT' Pictures
 Click here


 Click here


Did You Know? - Margaret Hamilton
 Click here Click here


Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Poopoopaper Park
 Click here

Polar Bear Love
 Click here

USS Enterprise at the Smithsonian
 Click here

Israel Stabbing Attempt caught on Dashcam
 Click here

C*ckpit of Airbus 380 (Interesting)
 Click here

Australian Slang
 Click here

Best Fails of the Year (So Far)
 Click here

Captain Star Trek Country
 Click here

The Blind Texas Ranger (Marty Robbins)
 Click here


Great Moment in Boxing
 Click here Click here

Dec 29, 1953. Boxer Les Stork entered the ring, took one look at his
opponent, and passed out. Said he cant remember anything about the fight.
He never fought again, and became a gardener. He is still alive today, and
is 91 years old.

Zoo Jeans
 Click here Click here Click here

Students at Tohoku Gakuin University in Sendai City, Japan have resurrected
Zoo Jeans, a line of denim dungarees that were pre-treated, by the the
sharp teeth and claws of lions, tigers, and bears, at a local zoo. In order
to get this type of wear, denim was wrapped around the animals favourite
playthings, and then retrieved once they were done playing. Only ten pairs
of the jeans will be manufactured, featured at the Loft Store, and sold
through an online auction beginning August 1, 2016. The proceeds of the
auction will benefit the Yagiyama Animal Park.
 Click here


Male Orgasm
 Click here



The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and
turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy
looked back once while she was driving," he announced  triumphantly, "And
she turned into a telephone  pole!"

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of  the Good
Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you  saw a person lying on the
roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A  thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence,  "I think I'd throw 

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We  have been learning how
powerful kings and queens  were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher
Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child  blurted out,  "Aces!"


Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday

"Well,  Mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a
rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red
Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked
across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent
bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother 

"Well, no, Mum, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
believe  it!"


A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class  memorise one of
the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a
month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the
Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the
congregation, Ricky was so nervous.  When it was his turn, he stepped up to
the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my  Shepherd, and that's all
I need to  know."


The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused
and bowed his head for a  moment before starting his sermon. One day, she
asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began,  proud that his daughter was so observant of his
messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.


A Rabbi said to a precocious  six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your
prayers for you each night? That's very commendable.  What does she say?"

The  little boy replied, "Thank God he's in  bed!"


During the minister's  prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one
of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into
silence and, after church, asked,  "Tommy, whatever made you do such a

Tommy answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!"


A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.

"Yes,  sir." the boy replied.

"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.

"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the  daytime"

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every
family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For
several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,
"And all girls."

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My
curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add
the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All



Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's
house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny!  Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy  replied.
"Of course,  you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before
eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained.  "But this is Grandma's house and
she knows how to cook!"


Ernie Dingo - The house Auction (He is a funny bloke!)
 Click here
Worth a couple of minutes.


[ End friday humour ]

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