Friday humour - July 08, 2016

Amusement and laughs this week from the crowd at FH: Anon3, Arfermo,
Burnout, DigiSteve, Duke of Barsinov, GROPWO,
Havarum, Haz, Sack, Seasoldier, Wally and last but not least, Whizzbang.

For your viewing pleasure:

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Time to get a laugh. Enjoy!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Priest-Off
 Click here

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Fallout

Brexit could be followed by Grexit, Departugal, Italeave, Czechout,
Oustria, Finish, Slovakout, Latervia and Byegium. Only Remania will stay.

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Brilliant joke on the teacher
 Click here

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A pretty Little Girl Named Suzy

A pretty little girl named Suzy was sitting on the pavement in front of her
home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of creatures and in her hand
was a sign announcing "FREE KITTENS."
Suddenly, a line of big limousines and" Com.cars" pulled up beside her. Out
of the lead car stepped a grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I am the leader of the Labor Party- Bill Shorten.
What have you there in your basket.?"
"Kittens" little Suzy said.
"How old are they ?" asked Mr.Shorten.
Suzy replied "they are so young, their eyes are not even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they. ?" asked Mr. Shorten.

With a sweet smile, Suzy answered "They are Labor Supporters."

Mr.Shorten was delighted - a golden opportunity beckoned.
As soon as he retuned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him all
about this meeting with little Suzy.
Recognizing the perfect photo opportunity, they agreed that they should
return the next day and in front of an assembled media, have the little
girl talk about these little discerning kittens.
So, the next day Suzy was again on the pavement with her basket of "FREE
KITTENS" when Shorten's motorcade arrived, followed by vans from the ABC,
Channels 3, 7,9, and the Q and A team, with all the cameras and audio
equipment.
Mr. Shorten then got out of his limousine and walked over to little Suzie.

"Hello again" he said. "I would love it, if you would tell all my friends
out there, what kind of kittens you have and are  giving  away".

"Yes Mr. Shorten" she said, "They are LIBERAL SUPPORTERS".

Mr.Shorten was shocked and stammered  ----- "But, but, but, yesterday you
said they were "LABOR" Supporters".

Little Suzy gave a beaming smile and replied  ------ "I know, but today --
they have their eyes open."

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NEWS ALERT! - JEWISH WOMAN ORDERS DIRECTLY FROM MENU!

JEWISH WOMAN ORDERS DIRECTLY FROM MENU!

SKOKIE, IL - At 7:52 last evening, according to local reports, a local
Jewish lady, Laura Becker, ordered directly from a menu without asking for
any changes, substitutions, or negotiating with the waitress.

We have not been able to independently verify the claims, but if confirmed,
this would represent the first case in doc*mented history of a Jew ordering
food without making any changes or special requests.

I simply did not know what to do, said waitress Susan Smith. She said I
would like the tuna on rye, please and then handed me back the menu.

I just kept waiting but she didn't say anything. No can you hold the
lettuce, no can I substitute the coleslaw for pickles? Nothing! It was very
scary, said a clearly shaken Smith.

Though some have called into question the accuracy of Smiths claim, others
have taken a different approach.
If that did happen, and I'm not saying it didn't, but if it did, then that
woman who ordered was clearly not Jewish,' said local drapery consultant
Mike Viner.

If confirmed, the effect of the incident would have enormous impact on the
gastronomical identity of Jews around the world.

Please check back for details regarding this developing story.

(And they didn't even mention not liking the table location.)

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Bill Shorten...

Bill Shorten was asleep in his house and awoke to see Menzies' ghost.
He asked, "Bob, how can I make this country better?"
Sir Robert said, "Love the Japanese steel producers like I did."
Shorten went back to sleep, this time he woke to an image of John Howard at
the end of his bed. He asked, "John, how can I make this country better?"
Howard said, "Be honest with the people like I was."
Again Shorten fell asleep and awoke this time to see Harold Holt and asked,
"Harold, how can I make this country better?"
Harold replied, "Go for a swim like I did!"

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Sayings

Early aircraft throttles had a ball on the end of it, in order to go full
throttle the pilot had to push the throttle all the way forward into the
wall of the instrument panel. Hence "balls to the wall" for going very
fast. And now you know the rest of the story.

*********************************
During WWII, U.S. Airplanes were armed with belts of bullets which they
would shoot during dogfights and on strafing runs. These belts were folded
into the wing compartments that fed their machine guns. These belts measure
27 feet and contained hundreds of rounds of bullets. Often times, the
pilots would return from their missions having expended all of their
bullets on various targets. They would say, I gave them the whole nine
yards, meaning they used up all of their ammunition.

*********************************
Did you know the saying "God willing and the creek don't rise" was in
reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written by
Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian
diplomat. While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the
U.S. To return to Washington . In his response, he was said to write, "God
willing and the Creek don't rise." Because he capitalized the word "Creek"
he was referring to the Creek Indian tribe and not a body of water.

*********************************
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either
sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him
standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed
both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how
many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted.
Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer
more. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.'
(Artists know hands and arms are more difficult to paint.)

******************************
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year (May
and October). Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads
(because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good
wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they
would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for
30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big
wig'. Today we often use the term 'here comes the Big Wig' because someone
appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

*********************************
In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one
chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used
for dining. The 'head of the household' always sat in the chair while
everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was
usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit
in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one
sitting in the chair the 'chair man.' Today in business, we use the
expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board.'

*********************************
Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many women
and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bee's
wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were
speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face
she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax
would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile'. In addition, when they sat too
close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, the expression 'losing
face.'

*********************************
Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and
dignified woman, as in 'straight laced' wore a tightly tied lace.

*********************************
Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax
levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the 'Ace of
Spades.' To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.
Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be
stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.'

********************************
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the
people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or
radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and
bars. They were told to 'go sip some Ale and listen to people's
conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at
different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there.' The two words
'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and,
thus we have the term 'gossip.'

**********************************
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized
containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep
the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was
drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the phrase
'minding your 'P's and Q's'.

**********************************
One more: bet you didn't know this!  In the heyday of sailing ships, all
war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired
round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the
cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best
storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top,
resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of
30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.
There was only one problem....how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding
or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a
'Monkey' with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate were made of
iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting
problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys.' Few landlubbers realize that brass
contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.. Consequently,
when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink
so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey; Thus, it
was quite literally, 'Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.'

If you don't send this fabulous bit of historic knowledge to any and all
your unsuspecting friends, your hard drive will kill your mouse.

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State of Origin Tickets

A good mate of mine bought tickets & air fares for the next Origin game
when the bookings opened.. the problem is he completely forgot his
Engagement. His sweetheart has organised a Family/Friends Party at the
Sheraton on the same night....he wants to know if anyone is interested in
getting engaged, she's a great girl.

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S*x after death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
them if there is s*x after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no
after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion .... Marion ... "

"Is that you, Tom?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have s*x. I have breakfast and then it's
off to the golf course. I have s*x again, bathe in the warm sun and then
have s*x a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots
of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then I pretty much have
s*x the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course
again. Then it's more s*x until late at night.

I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over
again".

"Oh, Tom! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere near Mildura."

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For connoisseurs of the English way of life

One of the English national daily newspapers asked readers "What does it
mean to be English?"
Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a chap in Switzerland
stood out:
"Being English is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, and then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American or
Australian shows on a Japanese or Korean TV which will soon be powered by a
Chinese nuclear power station.
And the most English thing of all?
Suspicion of anything foreign."

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A taxi story

That's a REAL Businessman…and a funny story!

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York
City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at
the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? -
Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady.  I vasn't
staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my
b*obs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am,
I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell
is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

Now, that's a REAL Businessman!

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Israeli Vs Arab Dog Fight

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they
would someday end up destroying the whole world.

So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of
two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fight.

The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best
fighting dog they could.

The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the
disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the
world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the
meanest Siberian wolves.

They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the
best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers
in their quest for the perfect killing machine.

After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on
its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and
ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up
with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!

Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there
seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against
the growling beast over in the Arab camp.

All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in
less than a minute.

As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of
the ring, watching the Arab dog.

The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.

As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its
jaws wide and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one go! There was nothing
left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to
the ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel
let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

Eventually, the Arabs along with the press approached the Israelis,
muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand,"
said the Arabs' leader, "Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long
years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves,
and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog! What did you
do?"

The Israelis replied. "We gave our team of our Plastic surgeons 5 years to
make a saltwater crocodile look like a dog."

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Dr. Bumbutu

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr.
Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she
decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and
say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'  She did this
faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a
terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized
she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely b*obs if she didn't recite the little
rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes
and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.’

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Are you a patient of Dr
Bumbutu's?

'Yes I am.  How did you know?"

He winked and whispered, 'Hickory d*ckory dock'...

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18 Things You May Never Have Known About The B-52 Stratofortress

It's big. It's ugly. And it's one of the most adaptable aircraft flown in
the past 60 years.

1) The B-52's first flight was April 15, 1952 - over 63 years ago.

Wikipedia

2) The B-52 was designed to carry nuclear weapons during the Cold War, but
it has only carried conventional ordnance in combat.

USAF

3) There were huge leaps in aviation happening when the B-52 was being
designed, and it went through 6 major redesigns during the 5 year design
period. The YB-52 pictured below was the second-to-last major redesign.

Wikipedia

4) A B-52A was used to carry the North American X-15. The X-15 achieved the
record for fastest manned powered aircraft, with a speed of Mach 6.72.

Wikipedia

5) There have been 744 B-52s built, but currently there are only 85 in
active service, with 9 in reserve.

USAF

6) The B-52 can carry up to 70,000 pounds of ordnance, or the equivalent of
30 fully-loaded Cessna 172s.

Wikipedia

7) Production ended in 1962, which means the youngest B-52 is 53 years old.

USAF

8) The jet has a unique ejection system; the lower deck crew eject
downward.

 9) The B-52 is expected to serve until the 2040s. That's over 90 years of
service.

USAF

10) In 1964, a B-52 configured as a testbed to investigate structural
failures flew through severe turbulence, shearing off its vertical
stabilizer. The aircraft was able to continue flying, and landed safely.

Wikipedia

11) The navigator and radar navigator sit in the lower deck of the
aircraft. These are the two seats that eject downward.

Wikipedia

12) To comply with the SALT II Treaty requirements, cruise missile-capable
aircraft had to be identifiable by spy satellites. To comply, the B-52 "G"
models were modified with a curved wing root fairing.

Wings Over The Rockies Museum

13) Early models had cabin temperature problems; the upper-deck would get
hot, because it was heated by the sun, while the navigation crew would sit
on the cold fuselage floor.

Wikipedia

14) In 1961, a B-52G broke up in midair over Goldsboro , NC . Two nuclear
bombs on board were dropped in the process, but didn't detonate. After the
bombs were recovered, the Air Force found that five of the six stages of
the arming sequence had been completed.

Wikipedia

15) In 1972, B-52 tail-gunner Albert Moore shot down a MiG-21 over Vietnam
. It was the last recorded bomber-gunner to shoot down an enemy aircraft.

Texas Aviation Online

16) After the Soviet Union fell in 1991, 365 B-52s were destroyed under the
START treaty. The aircraft were stripped of usable parts, chopped into 5
pieces with a 13,000 pound steel blade, and sold for scr*p at 12 cents per
pound.

Media Span Online

17) During Operation Desert Storm, B-52s delivered 40% of the weapons
dropped from the air.

USAF

18) Currently, B-52s cost $70,000 per flight hour to operate. And while
they might be ugly, they're still a pretty amazing and adaptable aircraft.

USAF

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Notes left for Milkman (in the old days)

** Dear milkman: I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

**Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

**Cancel one pint after the day after today.

** Please don't leave any more milk.  All they do is drink it.

** Milkman, please close the gate behind you, because the birds keep
pecking the tops off the milk.

**Milkman, please could I have a loaf, but not bread today.

**Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house, but two sons on
the dole.

** Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby, and
I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

**Sorry about yesterday's note, I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints,
but the other way round.

**When you leave my milk, please knock on my bedroom window and wake me,
because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

**Please knock. My TV's broken down, and I missed last night's Coronation
Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?

**My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver,
or do I have to shake the bottle?

**Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old,
and did not know about it, until a neighbour told me.

**Please send me details about cheap milk, as I am stagnant.

**Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

**From now on please leave two pints every other day, and one pint on the
days in between, except Wednesdays and Sat*rdays, when I don't want any
milk.

**My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in
drawer, and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play
bingo tonight.

**Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I
wrote this note yesterday..

**Milkman, please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out, and put
newspaper inside the screen door.  PS  Don't leave any milk.

**No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either, as he is dead until
further notice.

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New Ruger Pistol. (G).

Ruger is coming out with a new pistol for sale in Australia in honour of
our politicians and bureaucrats.

It will be named the Public Servant.

It doesn't work and you can't fire it !!

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Woops
 Click here

Free to a good home. Norwegian Beer Hound...You can tell he is 100%
purebred.

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Parent of the year.....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

In no particular order, here are this year's leading candidates:
AND TO THINK...YOU NEED A LICENSE TO FISH

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The Camel Ride
 Click here

Nothing wrong with this race of people

A quick wash of the face to get fresh for the new day.

Now I understand why kissing isn't part of the Muslim system.

Even a cuddle seems out of the question wouldn't you say?

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Billy's Health Check Report
 Click here

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Carnation Milk

65 Years Ago

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy
farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little
compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s,
she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with'Carnation Milk is best of all.'
She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and
dairy farms.  I can do this!
She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in
front of her house.

A large man got out, knocked on her door, handed her an envelope and said,
"Ma'am, the president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry..... So
much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not
be able to use it for our advertisements!"

He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall.

(Here it is:)

Carnation Milk is best in the land;
it comes in a little red-and-white can.
No tits to pull, no hay to pitch;
just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch.

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Ronnie
 Click here Click here

Archived from the memorial service for Ronald Reagan at the National
Cathedral, and noticed that Bill and Hillary were both dozing off.

It is said that President Ronald Reagan, who never missed a chance for a
good one-liner, raised his head out of his casket and said...

"I see the Clintons are finally sleeping together."

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Europe's T-Shirt of the Year
 Click here

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PROMISES, IMPLIED OR OTHERWISE

An oldie but pertinent now

Remember - Word to the Wise

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit
by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you.

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where
to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his
friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having
a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it,
it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...�

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags,
picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from
above

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?

The devil smiles at him and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."

Vote wisely in July 2016

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You will love this

THE Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Pniss:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised,
the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the
assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

VA. Gina

TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS IT ON ! HOPE IT MADE YOU LAUGH!

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Ageing Humour
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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It really does show that you need to pay attention when driving!
 Click here

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Mother of the groom...
 Click here Click here
P.S. We have no idea WHAT he sees in her !

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Love letter

Darling,

Before you return from  your overseas trip, I just want to let you know
about the small accident I had with  the Ford F-150 when I turned into the 
driveway.

Fortunately, it was not too bad and I really didn't get hurt,
so please don't  worry too much about me.

I was coming home and when I turned into the driveway
I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the  brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the Ford F-150 fortunately came to a
halt when it bumped into your Ferrari.

I missed our bikes.

I am really sorry, but I  know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me.

You  know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture- for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving  wife. XX

P.S: Your girlfriend phoned.

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Beautiful white doves released {XXX]
 Click here

The Wedding Day

You have just walked out of the church adelightful wedding ceremony,...and
on the church steps, both your families are applauding you, with a hundred
friends gathered around.

The photographer raises his camera ....and following your family's
tradition, ...

both of you are holding beautiful, live, white Doves, which you will
release together.

Bride and Groom stand happily shoulder to shoulder, with a Dove gently held
in both hands,

as everyone eagerly awaits the climax of your marriage vows.

The photographer gives the ready signal, and you open your hands toward the
sky ....and release the Doves ....

as a symbol of your eternal love!

Not a dry eye anywhere! Such a moving sight!

The camera flashes ..... and the moment is captured for all eternity!!

Costs:

Wedding Gown $2,500. Photographer $2,000. Vintage Rolls Royce $1,000.

Having 'the twins' pop out and say 'CHEESE' in front of your family and
friends ... . .

PRICELESS!!

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Letter to Dad or Mom!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to

see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was
addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and

read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene
with

Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos,

tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But
it' s

not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole
winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that
live

nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get

better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know
your

grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a
lousy

report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Jason Day
 Click here
 Click here

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Liddiard Wheels
 Click here

Ambiguous Optical Illusion
 Click here

How ^ above ^ Works
 Click here

People are Awesome (Summer Edition)
 Click here

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Golfing Dentures
 Click here

A couple of old guys were golfing, when one mentioned that he was going to
go to Dr. Steinberg, for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist
two years before.

"Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"

The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday, when
a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot.

The ball must have been going at least 180kph, when it slammed me right in
the nuts."

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to
do with your dentures?"

"It was the first time in two years, my teeth didn't hurt."

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Links & Photos

A Pair of Planes
 Click here

Interview with a 20yo Bob Dylan
 Click here

Stringless Yo-Yo
 Click here

Cats Categorized (for Cat Lovers)
 Click here

Edward Snowden (World Traveller)
 Click here

Amazing Prague Sculpture
 Click here

Tank vs Dodge
 Click here

Tribute to NASA's Voyager Space Program
 Click here

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Make Love not War
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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The Deer
 Click here

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on
corn, for a couple of weeks, then kill it, and eat it. The first step in
this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at
my cattle feeder, and do not seem to have much fear of me, when we are
there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of
feed, while I am in the back of the truck not 1 metre away), it should not
be difficult to rope one, get up to it, and toss a bag over its head, to
calm it down, then hog tie it, and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were
not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up - 3 of
them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the
feeder, and threw my rope.

The deer just stood there, and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my
waist, and twisted the end, so I would have a good hold. The deer still
just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned
about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step
away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there
looking at you funny, while you rope it, they are spurred to action, when
you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could
fight down with a rope, and with some dignity. A deer -- no chance. That
thing ran, bucked, twisted, and pulled. There was no controlling it, and
certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started
dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a
rope, was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only
upside is that they do not have as much stamina, as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired, and not nearly as quick to jerk me
off my feet, and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes
to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the
big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed
venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature, off the end of that
rope.

I figured if I just let it go, with the rope hanging around its neck, it
would likely die slowly, and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no
love at all, between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing,
and I would venture a guess, that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head, and the several large knots where I had
cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various
large rocks, as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think
clearly enough to recognize, that there was a small chance, that I shared
some tiny amount of responsibility, for the situation we were in.

I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get
it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder, a little trap I had
set before hand, kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there,
and I started moving up, so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite?

They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would
bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ...... I reached up there to
grab that rope, and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer
bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse, where they just bite you,
and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you, and shakes its head --
almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD, and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you, is probably to freeze, and
draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it
was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer, though you
may be questioning that claim by now, tricked it. While I kept it busy
tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand,
and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson, in deer behaviour for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their
back feet, and strike right about head, and shoulder level, and their
hooves are surprisingly sharp ... I learned a long time ago that, when an
animal - like a horse - strikes at you with their hooves, and you can't get
away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise, and make an
aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back
down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would
not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I
screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always
been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you, there
is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.

Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as
strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me
right in the back of the head, and knocked me down..

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately
leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What
they do instead is paw your back, and jump up and down on you while you are
lying there, crying like a little girl, and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck, and the deer went away. I saw
it grazing in the paddock, as I looked out of the ambulance window, on my
way to hospital. I swear to God, it had a smile on it's face.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Boy who Knew Infinity
 Click here
This young boy will take your breath away..
No way could it be staged , check out how ‘fidgety’ he is .

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Oh Well
 Click here
Love it
How true!!

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REVERSE BUCKET LIST
Things I will NOT do before I get older!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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