Friday humour - July 01, 2016

 From Burnout @ Bluhaze:

Election time tomorrow.

Don't forget to vote, otherwise you will be fined for being undemocratic
and preserving your freedoms.

Fail to pay a fine of this type will mean your license to drive will be
suspended.

Just remember there is an old political adage concerning voting in
Australia.

“Vote early, and vote often.”

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From: Sack

Subject: Disputed territory

Pity more disputes couldn't be handle in such manner!
 Click here

Canada and Denmark are locked in an adorable war

It's not the most hot-button territorial dispute in the world, but it turns
out Canada and Denmark have been locked in a fight over a tiny uninhabited
island in the Arctic Ocean for decades.

Tiny 1.3km squared Hans Island is in the Kennedy
Channel of the Nares Strait in Greenland:

The island, named after Greenlandic explorer
Hans Hendrik, has been an Inuit hunting ground for centuries.

It's bang smack in the middle of the maritime border between Greenland
(which is administered by Denmark) and
Canada.

In 1973 geologists and hydrographers couldn't agree on how to map the
island in half, and it has been the centre of a cold war ever since.

The countries' armed forces patrol the area and on periodic visits to the
island take the other side's flag down, but they always leave a bottle of
Canadian Club whiskey or schnapps respectively.

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From: Sack

Subject:   Harry the Eagle

One day, Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for
Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had
been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided
that he must get himself another mate.
Since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the
feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her
back to the nest.

The s*x was good but all the dove would say is .......... 'I am a DOVE, I
want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest
and flew off once more to find a mate..

He soon found a very s*xy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the
s*x was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with
the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck
and he brought the duck back to the nest.
This time the s*x was great, but all the duck would say was.....

NO, The duck didn't say THAT!

The duck said....

'I am a DRAKE,

You made a MITHTAKE!!

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From: Sack

Subject:  The Bus Trip

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a
Double-Decker bus for a weekend  trip to
Louisiana .

The brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rode on
the top level.

The brunette team down below really whooped it up,  having a great time,
when one of them realised she hadn't heard anything from the blondes
upstairs.  She decided to go up and investigate.

When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes in fear,
staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them
with white knuckles ...

The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?  We're having a
great time downstairs!'

One of the blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...

'YEAH SURE, YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER' !!

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From: Seasoldier

Subject: Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,

waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was
breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed,
kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and
detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight.

You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

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From: Seasoldier

Subject: Introducing Guiding Hands - CONAN on
TBS - YouTube

Funny as hell!  Watch to the end, please!
 Click here

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Subject: Tech Support

 The young woman who submitted the tech support message below (about her
relationship to her husband) presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a
reply that was way too good to keep to herself. The tech support people's
love advice was hilarious and genius!

 The query:

 Dear Tech Support,

 Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to
Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance,
particularly in the flower and jewellery applications,
which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband
1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and
Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as:
NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

 Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.

 What can I do?

 Signed, Desperate

 The response (that came weeks later out of the blue):

 Dear Desperate,

 First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an
Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download
Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that
application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run
the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

 However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband
1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,
Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad
program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circ*mstances, install
Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually
seize control of all your system resources.

 In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0
program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.  In
summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking
3.0.

 Good Luck!

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From: Whizzbang

Subject: Boarding planes in Israel

What a SIMPLE  and BRILLIANT  idea! I particularly like the 'spare' seat
announcement!!

It's hard to beat Israeli technology!

TEL AVIV,  Israel - The Israelis are developing an airport security device
that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. 
It's an armoured booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will
detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with  none of this
cr*p about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and
expensive trials.

You're in the airport  terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.  Shortly
thereafter, an  announcement:
"Attention to all standby passengers,   El  Al  is pleased to announce a
seat available on flight 670 to London .  Shalom!"

BRILLIANT

Subject:  HOLY SOAP..

HOLY SOAP..Two priests are off to the showers late one night.  They undress
and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.  Father
John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to
dress.  He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the
showers.  He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his
way Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like
he's a statue.  The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.  The
first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.  Startled,
he drops a bar of soap."Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap
dispenser".  To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. 
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.Now the third nun decides to
have a go.  She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells..."Holy Mary, Mother of God,
HAND LOTION TOO!"

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Subject: Watch this (Politics may be humour - ED)
 Click here

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From: Sack

Subject: BUDGERIGAR TREE
 Click here

Subject: Cowboy Quips Farming Funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Subject: THE IRISH BIC LIGHTER
 Click here Click here Click here

Mick and Paddy were fishing on  the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a
cigar. Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into
his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge
Bic lighter in his hands.  'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.

Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The
Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there
waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million
ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell?
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da
Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch
Bic?'

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From: Sack

Subject:   No argument from me...
 Click here

+++ Content:

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From: Seasoldier

Subject: Everyone Needs A Camera Phone!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Everyone needs a camera phone!!!

At least he has an excuse.

If you have friends who make you laugh,

Spend lots and lots of time with them.

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From: Seasoldier

Subject: DYING WITH DIGNITY

I FOUND THIS VERY HEART WARMING!

I have already informed my family that I will not be able to afford an
expensive nursing home, which would allow me to die with dignity.
 Click here

Therefore, I have moved to Central America,
where the dollar still goes a long way and I can spend what little money I
still have left during my final years enjoying life and dying with Dignity!
 Click here

Oh, and Dignity says to say   "Hello!"

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From: Wally

Subject: Clever Logos With A Hidden Twist
 Click here

 A set of lion eyes are peering out from the wings of this flapping bird.

 1
 Click here

 A crescent moon is hiding in the foam of this cup of joe.

 2
 Click here

 The face of the Spartan warrior is a golfer taking a swing.

 3
 Click here

 One of the two F's representing Flight Finder has been flipped and
molded to give the outline of an airplane.

 4
 Click here

 Frankenstein Films speaks for itself.

 5
 Click here

 These common computer-keyboard symbols have been assembled into the
shape of a fish.

 6
 Click here

 The Newcastle Food & Wine Festival lets the silhouette of wine bottles
serve as the space between the prongs of a fork.

 7
 Click here

 Two cat eyes peer out from a black background of this Black Cat logo.

 8
 Click here

 Two arrows moving in opposite directions create the outline of an "H" in
this Shift logo.

 9
 Click here

 A city skyline can be seen between the legs of these two giraffes.

 10
 Click here

 Is it a cup of coffee or a magic hat?

 11
 Click here

 A screaming face is featured neatly in this roll of film.

 12
 Click here

 The familiar stripes of a bar code are nicely incorporated into this
mug.

 13
 Click here

 A wavy line dissects the letters of
"Boundary."

 14
 Click here

 The thumb of this hand print is shaped like the head of a bear.

 15
 Click here

 A shark fin doubles as blue paint on the tip of a paint brush.

 16
 Click here

 A bird is taking flight from the letter "m" in "Freedom."

 17
 Click here

 A tiny map of Australia is nestled between the bending arms, legs, and
back of this yogi.

 18
 Click here

 A hand shadow puppet of a dog.

 19
 Click here

 A moustache doubles as the sheers on a pair of scissors.

 20
 Click here

 The Guild of Food Writers nestled a little spoon into this calligraphy
nib for its logo.

 21
 Click here

 An elephant trunk was incorporated into the letter "e."

 22
 Click here

 An "E" is hidden between these connecting power cords.

 23
 Click here

 A knife is hidden in the letter "a" of "Blade."

 24
 Click here

 A sliver of a golf ball doubles as a crescent moon in this Night Golf
logo.

 25
 Click here

 The pages from a handful of magazines in a circle look like a circus
tent.

 26
 Click here

 A sideways "2" doubles as an "N" in this Twins logo.

 27
 Click here

 These tree tops double as black piano keys and the tree trunks act as
the spaces between the white keys.

 28
 Click here

 The knocked-over "i" looks like a fallen person.

Subject: Lottery Ticket
 Click here

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.  Her business has gone bust, and
she's in dire financial straits.  She's desperate so she decides to ask God
for help.

She begins to pray ... "God, please  help me.  I've lost my business, and
if I don't get some  money, I'm going to lose my house as well.  Please let
me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God,  please let me win the lottery! .....  I've lost
my business, my house, and I'm  going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes, and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays ...  "My God, why have you forsaken me?

I've lost my business, my house, and my car.

My children are starving.  I don't often ask you for help, and I've always
been a good servant to You.  PLEASE let me win the lottery, just this one
time, so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding  flash of light,
and the heavens open.  The blonde is overwhelmed by  the Voice of
God, Himself ....

"Listen Sweetie ..... work with me on this one .... Buy a ticket."

Subject: Mercedes-AMG GT R
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Never before has Mercedes‘AMG packed so much motorsport technology, into
a production vehicle, than into the new
AMG GT R.

Mercedes-AMG GT R with Green Hell Magno special paintwork.

The Mercedes-AMG GT R is powered by a hand crafted AMG 4.0L V8 Bi-Turbo
producing 585 hp, features a 7-speed dual-clutch transmission. Is capable
for a 0-60 time of 3.5 seconds and a top speed of 198 mph.

The new aerodynamics and the intelligent lightweight construction, lay the
foundations for an especially dynamic driving experience.

Even from afar, the exclusive AMG Green Hell
Magno special paintwork leaves no doubt, as to the sports car's origin. The
car has spent most of its development time in the Green
Hell of the Nurburgring racetrack.

The AMG 4.0-litre V-8 Bi-Turbo engine is the world's first sports car
engine with the turbos inside the V of the engine, and dry sump
lubrication.  Based on legendary Mercedes-Benz 4MATIC technology, the AMG
Performance 4MATIC all-wheel drive system is not only engineered to
preserve the signature AMG feel while making the best use of available
torque it´s also up to 35% lighter than comparable systems.

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From: Wally

Subject: A Short Love Story
 Click here

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man  and a woman who had never met  before,
but who  were both married  to other people, found  themselves assigned to
the same sleeping cabin, on an over-night train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both
very tired, and fell asleep quickly,
he in the upper berth, and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down, and gently woke the woman saying,
“Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet, and get me a second blanket, I'm awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married.”

“Wow! ...................... That's a great idea,” he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied .............. “Get your own f--k--g blanket.”

Silence.

Subject: View From The Edge
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

+++ Content:

View From The Edge (June 22, 2016)

World's Greatest Lawyer: Chris Dyer, in La
Crosse, Wisconsin , convinced a jury that there was reasonable doubt,
when the 17yo daughter of the owner came home, and found Dyer's client in
the basement, pants down, perched doggy-style over the resident's golden
retriever Cooper, he then quickly rose, and pulled his pants up. The 17yo
rang her dad and said, "There was a man in our house screwing Cooper."
Attorney Dyer got the client
Daniel Reinsvold off, on dog-molesting charges, convincing the jury to
settle for trespass and disorderly conduct. Reinsvold testified he had an
intestinal disorder, that makes him have toilet emergencies,
and that was why he had his pants down. OK, but, still, if that's what was
happening, Hey, show us the poop, ...... but there was no poop. Plus, Dyer
found a vet, who swore under oath, that  Cooper had
Doggy-PTSD symptoms, whatever that is.

My Side of the Fence: Using a drone, pro-choice activists in the Irish
Republic, where the penalty for aiding abortion is a minimum of 14 yrs,
knowingly flew Mifepristone and
Misoprostol, which are abortion medications, over the border, to their
counterparts in Northern Ireland, where the penalty for abortion, is ummm,
well, the death penalty.

We are Not Safe: Two weeks ago, we learned that
Mark Zuckerberg (CEO Facebook) got his social media accounts hacked,
because he broke the rules, and used the same password. It says here that
at last count, there were at least 11,000 security cameras in the U.S. that
were not certified as secured. Then, the U.S. Air Force revealed that it
had lost the entire fraud-investigation database,
and have not used backups since 2004, --um, as if, well, why would we need
backup, we are the USAF. It now says some civilian hackers were working on
recovery. Back in December, the Federal Trade Commission,
which had re-sued LifeLock for not protecting customers' sensitive
information very well, caught 'em again. "Hey, LifeLock, don't you have,
like, one job?" They had agreed in 2010 to step up security, but now will
have to find $113 million in fines. So,
really, folks. It's just the Wild West. Best Answer: Go hop in bed,
and pull the covers up real tight, and try not to think about it.

The Passing Parade (I): Every 5 years they have a World Nose Championship
in Bavaria, and this year, was the lucky year. With actual calipers they
measure the length, and multiply it by the width, and this year it was 63yo
Hans Roest, who won the first prize of 100 Chiemgauers. No announcement of
marital status, ladies,
but c'mon, with a giant nose, he must be single.

The Passing Parade (II): There's a band named
Stone Roses with quite a few fans, 90 of whom bid on eBay for a sealed jar,
purporting to have captured the air, during a recent concert in Manchester,
England. The winning bid was £65,900 British
Pounds (US$90,000). Hold the jar to your ear, and you just may experience
the faint reverberation of guitarist John Squire's solo.

Subject: Astronomy Picture of the Day
 Click here Click here

+++ Content:

Astronomy Picture of the Day

(21 years  7,665 pictures)
 Click here

Subject: Cross Wind Jumbo Landing
 Click here

IFAW - International Fund for Animal Welfare
Cross Wind Jumbo Landing

I'm not a pilot but this video looks real to me.
However, a number of people within the aviation community feel that this
landing may be faked. Some of the reasons given are that there are no
visible navigation nor landing lights, the crosswind component appears to
change significantly between the two final segments shown in this video,
and braking appears to be too sudden.  I'll leave it up to you to decide.
 Click here

Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Photos

Ducks with Jobs
 Click here

Olli (Self-Driving Bus)
 Click here

I, Charleston, The World (116 Videos)
 Click here

The Top 1000 Awesome Things
 Click here

10 X Amazing Vehicles
 Click here

A History of Horror (from 122 Years – 122
Films)
 Click here

Badminton Robot
 Click here

Pit-Stop Record (1.92 seconds)
 Click here

Airplane Black Boxes (Explained)
 Click here

Subject: Message from Earth
 Click here

Message from Earth

Explanation: What are these Earthlings trying to tell us? The above message
was broadcast from Earth towards the globular star cluster M13 in 1974.
During the dedication of the
Arecibo Observatory - still the largest single radio telescope in the world
- a string of 1's and 0's representing the above diagram was sent. This
attempt at extra-terrestrial communication was mostly ceremonial - humanity
regularly broadcasts radio and television signals out into space
accidentally. Even were this message received,
M13 is so far away, we would have to wait almost 50,000 years to hear an
answer. The above message gives a few simple facts about humanity and its
knowledge: from left to right are numbers from one to ten,
atoms including hydrogen and carbon, some interesting molecules, DNA,
a human with description, basics of our Solar System, and basics of the
sending telescope. Several searches for extra-terrestrial intelligence are
currently underway, including one where you can use your own home computer.

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Quote of the Week:

“Silence is golden, when you can't think of a good answer.”

- Muhammad Ali

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[ End friday humour ]

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