Friday humour - June 24, 2016

Enjoy!

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Exquisite Brit Humour

It's 1942 and the train was quite crowded, when a U.S. Marine walked the
entire length looking for a seat, but the only one left was taken by a
well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans
are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat!'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under
that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,
tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be
put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to
have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong
hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you
seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!!'

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What If I die first

My wife has days when she wants us to "talk about things."  We were
discussing aspects of our future so when it was my turn I asked her: "What
will you do if I die before you do?"

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing
situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little
younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then she asked me, "What will you do if I die first?"

 I replied, "Probably the same thing."

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SENIOR JOKE OF THE WEEK

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would
just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a
gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple
of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who
told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that
house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded
to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll
be there in no time. The little old lady looked him over cautiously then
said,
'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that
when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

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[NOTE - I thought a lot about including this video - because it isn't the
slightest bit funny - but I have decided to include it as a public service.
DO NOT watch this if you are looking for entertainment. Ed.]

Percutant smartphone
 Click here
This is not for the faint hearted. Most of these images are from China but
it could happen anywhere ... show this to the younger members of your
family, it may give them a wake up call.

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Now this is progress!
Another new electric vehicle to give Tesla a run for its money.
 Click here

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Was Jim Henson Psychic?
 Click here

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Albert Einstein - He Was Right, Again!
The day that Albert Einstein feared most has arrived!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Road Rage [XXX]
 Click here

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Police Humour
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Special message from the Queen
 Click here
As you know, my dear people, for the last year the Royal House of Clinton
has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances and
subjected to tiresome questions about the tragic events in Benghazi--in the
furthest regions of our empire.  And, sadly, also questions about my Royal
e-mails.

Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire and commitment to serve
you, the people.  For the next eight months I will be traveling among you
as one of you, to listen to your deepest longings and needs.  I will be
with you in your Wal-Marts and beside you in your Burger Kings.  I will
drive with you down the busy interstate highways of our land, sharing your
poverty and needs.

How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas and I were
impoverished.  After we were expelled from our Washington Palace we hardly
had two mansions to rub together.  We were so poor that we removed
thousands of dollars of China, flatware, carpets and gifts from the
Washington Palace just to survive. Shockingly, unscrupulous and ungrateful
officials later forced us to return many of these treasures.  Now, happily,
benefactors from around our empire have given me just enough for us to
scr*pe by.

During these difficult times, we had to cut back. When our daughter was
married, we only had three million dollars to spend on her wedding. And, I
remember our hopes, as she moved into her $10 million Manhattan apartment,
that one day she would be able to move on from that humble abode to
something more fitting.  After working for MSNBC for a starting salary of a
mere $600,000 per year, what else could she do? So I now pay her $3,000,000
a year to run the 'Foundation'.

So, as I travel across our kingdom to meet you all, I will be listening and
sharing with you.  Then, when the time for the royal election (Coronation)
comes, I know I can count on you to crown me as your rightful monarch, with
my assurance that I will continue King Obama's policies, and we can all
live happily ever after.

Your Queen-in-Waiting,

Hilarity Rodham Clinton

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Getting rid of our dog...
 Click here
Free to a Good Home

Our house was broken into last night by two robbers who locked me in the
bathroom, and then proceeded to steal all they could carry.  Our watchdog
'˜Killer' did not alert us at all, and for this reason we are giving him
away.

We no longer want this dog.  We've decided on installing an electric fence
And detection devices with alarms.  They're cheaper to maintain and
definitely More reliable.

For those interested in adopting this dog, please send an e-mail
immediately.

'˜Killer' is fun to hang out with, but otherwise pretty useless.

"A recent photo of '˜Killer' is included below."

'Killer' is a Norwegian Beer Hound...You can tell he is 100% purebred.

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Philosophy for the day...
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BEAR EFFICIENCY
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These pictures are said to have been taken by a guy from Grande Cache ,
Alberta , 1.5 hours south of Grande Prairie , by the Berland River on
Highway 40.
Take a look at the time frame in the bottom right-hand corner of each
picture ... notice the time stamp.
It took just ten minutes to pick her up, take her to dinner, feed her a
terrific meal and then get laid. Is this guy, good or what?

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Let's go Live on the Sun
 Click here

Palm Beach Post - Mar 22, 1953

Through years of spare-time dabbling in such occult sciences as prophecy
and mental telepathy, Godfried Bueren, 70, a West German patent attorney,
never lost his amateur enthusiasm for astronomy. Finally, he announced, he
had learned something that professional astronomers don't know. The sun,
asserted Herr Bueren is a hot, hollow sphere, a million miles in diameter,
but inside its fiery shell floats a cool core, 600,000 miles thick and lush
with vegetation. What's more, he had 25,000 German Marks ($5,945) that said
he was correct about the sun.

When Herr Bueren announced his startling theory, most scientists shrugged
it off. But the German Astronomical Society accepted the challenge. Said
Hamburg Observatory Director Otto Heckmann: the society would like to keep
such "silly ideas" from attracting too much attention. Besides, the society
needed the money.

Like schoolmasters marking a poor student's test paper Dr. Heckmann and a
couple of scientists sharpened their pencils and set to work on Herr
Bueren's theory. The sun's corona does blaze at approximately 1,000,000°
C.,
they conceded, but who can believe that the enormous heat is caused, as
Herr
Bueren also insisted, by cosmic particles striking the sun's outer
atmosphere? Why shouldn't the same particles bombard the earth and set it
glowing? And did Herr Bueren really believe that sunspots are gaping holes
in the sun's shell, opening on to a cool black core where plant life
changes heat into chemical energy, thus lowering the temperature? Pure
nonsense,
said the scientists. As for heat-reducing plants: Dr. Heckmann & Co.
pointed out that science knows of no plants that use up all the energy
available to them.

A Bueren-picked jury of West German scientists studied the astronomical
society's arguments and solemnly announced the the Bueren solar theory had
been demolished. His bald pate flushed with anger, the sun-gazing patent
attorney refused to pay. "People who want to cash in on the money," he
cried, "do not even pay attention to what I have to say."

But Dr. Heckmann and colleagues, having paid attention to the prize offer,
sued Bueren in the Osnabruck court. "Science cannot always say what is
correct." they argued, "but we have advanced so far as to be able to say
what is wrong."

Last week, despite Herr Bueren's dark mutterings that his professorial jury
had been intimidated, the court found the sun's core legally hot, ordered
him to hand over the 25,000 marks, plus a year's interest at 4%, and court
costs.

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Noah's Ark Crashes into Coast Guard
 Click here Click here
A 230-foot long replica of Noah's Ark collided with a Norwegian Coast Guard
vessel, as it arrived in Oslo, Norway on Friday, 10th June, causing damage
to both ships. Media says the wooden replica, built by a Dutch carpenter
Johan Huibers, after he dreamed of a flood in his home town, was being
towed into Oslo harbour, when it somehow lost control, and crashed into the
moored
Norwegian Coast Guard patrol vessel Nornen. The Ark is owned by the Ark of
Noah Foundation, which was planning on bringing the educational vessel
across the Atlantic to Rio de Janeiro, for the Olympic Games this summer.
(BONUS) - Media reports said there were no animals on board, when the
collision occurred.

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Mars Needs You
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Sometimes even Channel Seven gets it wrong
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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