Friday humour - June 17, 2016

HI

In the exciting dual continent elections lead up I can only thank the
powers that have excused us from the impossible choosing of the candidates
on the other side of the Pacific.

My thoughts and prayers are with the families and friends of the victims of
the Orlando massacre

Once again thanks to the valuable contributors who make this weekly site so
valuable, being Anonymous 3, Arfermo, Billy Bunter of Adelaide, Clooney’s
Twin, Sack, Seasoldier, Whizzbang, Duke of Barsinov and Wally

Till next time - Haz….

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When God Shows Off
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Chinky do.

At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter
if she could escort me on a tour of the city, and if she'd give me her
mobile phone number so I could call to make arrangements.

She got real excited and said: "S*X, S*X, S*X, WAN FREE S*X FOR TONIGHT"

I replied: Damn, you Chinese women are really hospitable . . .

A guy standing next to me heard what I said, and told me that what she
really said was 666136429.

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GoGoGo

My mate has two tickets for the final of Euro 2016 but he is getting
married on that day and cannot attend.  If anyone wants to go instead of
him it's at St Andrews Church in Brighton and the brides name is Sarah.

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Talking dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the
backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,
what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping.

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the
airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in.
'I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?'

'Because he's a bloody liar. He's never been out of the yard'

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Cat food
 Click here

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 Modern Day Marriage

 Today's generation daughter texts Dad on MODERN MARRIAGE WEDDING
ANNOUNCEMENT

"Daddy, I am coming home to get married, soon. Get out your check book.
LOL I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia , and
he lives in  Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on
Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now
we've had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and
favourite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding!
Lots of love and thanks, from your favorite daughter. Lilly"

Lilly's Dad's reply:  (also texting... Dad has it all together)

"My Dear Lilly, Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever! I suggest you two get
married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for
it all  through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell
him on Ebay!

L.O.L. Daddy"!

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A REALLY cute COMMERCIAL..

What's in your wallet?  For those who need a laugh today, this is one of
the cutest commercials.

Best watched in full screen
 Click here

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Award winning pool

THE AFFORDABLE POOL FOR RETIREES AND VETERANS.

A JOINT VENTURE BETWEEN THE NHS AND CENTRAL BEDFORDSHIRE COUNCIL AND CAN
BE CLAIMED UNDER PHYSICAL THERAPY FOR RETIREE

Added benefit
Fart and you've got a Jacuzzi.

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Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK
OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)  ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR
CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON
THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter  This one I caught in the
SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote
this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he
was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says  Really? Ya think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers  Now that's taking things a
bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over  What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death  Good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant  See if that works any better
than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile  Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures  Who would have thought!
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Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide  
They may be onto something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge 
He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft  That's what he gets for
eating those beans!
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half  Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors  Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead  Did I read that right?

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Religious help [XXX]
 Click here
I am looking desperately for the address of this mosque.Please help me if
you can...

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Birds

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she
explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months
later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Emma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher,
are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed
up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a
shag at the beach..!!!

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Is this another selfish athlete?
 Click here Click here Click here

Wimbledon hopeful Simona Halep wants surgery to reduce the  size of her 
breasts.

Halep is seen as one of the tennis stars  of the future after winning a
host of junior titles and a place in the  final of the Junior French Open.

But the 5-foot-5-inch  Romanian tennis star said she thinks her 34DD bust
is holding her  back.

"This  autumn I'll have a breast reduction operation" Halep said.

"The breasts make me uncomfortable when I play."

"It's  the weight that troubles me and my ability to react quickly" she 
added.

WILL  SOMEONE PLEASE  TELL THIS KID THAT WINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING!

THIS  SELF-CENTERED SPOILED LITTLE BRAT SHOULDN'T BE SO CONSUMED WITH
"WINNING MAJOR TENNIS TOURNAMENTS"!

WHAT ABOUT US -  THE  HARD-WORKING EVERY DAY FAN WHO PAID GOOD MONEY TO
WATCH HER PLAY  .....?

34DD?
PEOPLE PAY TOP  MONEY FOR JUGS LIKE THAT!
AND THIS LITTLE BRAT WANTS  TO HAVE THEM  REDUCED?

JUST P*SSES  ME OFF  ...
JUST  ANOTHER SELFISH ATHLETE!

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And on the lighter side
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Wicked sense of humour
 Click here

Julie Andrews Turning  79

To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a
special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of
the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things'
from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over
four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and
humor with others who would appreciate it.)

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NEW GLOBE TROTTING TOOL [XXX]
 Click here

This new GPS map better helps me stay abreast of where I am and  where I
want to go. I call it TITS - meaning This Is The Spot.

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Hard Luck !!!!
 Click here

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The Flasher
 Click here Click here

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The Importance Of Eye Makeup!
 Click here
Inconceivable!

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A POST-SURGERY QUESTION
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You'll be fine," the doctor said after finishing the young woman's
surgery.

But, she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal s*x
life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down
his cheek from the corner of his eye.

The girl was alarmed.

"What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no-one has ever asked me
that after having their tonsils out."

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Wrong shoes
 Click here
Just the wrong high heels.
Love those Italians!!

This is the Italian Minister Maria Elena Boschi, signing up for her new
government position.

In my opinion, quite the wrong choice of shoe color to wear with that suit
for such an important occasion.

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Shopper Chopper
 Click here Click here

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Don't Annoy the Elephant
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An angry elephant impaled a buffalo with its tusks, tossing it high in 
the air, before shaking it to death. The unsuspecting buffalo had been 
snoozing under a tree in Maasai Mara, Kenya, when a female elephant 
surprised him and he charged at her. After the buffalo head butted the 
elephant, she retaliated by digging her tusks into the creature and 
tossing the buffalo into the air with  full force. The buffalo did not 
die immediately and rangers at the reserve think the animal must have 
been unwell to act so out of character. The extraordinary scene was 
captured by amateur photographer  Kimberly Maurer, 56, who was on 
holiday at the game reserve.  The 56-year-old said: 'I started looking
through the images on the back of my camera immediately after the 
attack and became very excited to  discover that I had actually 
captured the event in detail. "This photograph was, no doubt, a 
once-in-a-lifetime  capture for me.  As you would imagine, his carcass 
was a meal for another animal or two."

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Medical Alert!
Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood
transfusion. This is good to know...

Australian Medical Association researchers have found That patients
needing blood transfusions may benefit  From receiving chicken blood 
Rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men c*cky and the women lay better.  Just thought
you'd like to know.....

......OK, I'll be going to my room now.

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Australia's Top 20 Stolen Cars in 2015
 Click here
According  to  the  Australian National Motor Vehicle Theft Reduction 
Council

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Fooluru
 Click here Click here

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Links & Photos
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DOGO-TCR (Tactical Combat Robot)
 Click here

The Ultimate Toolbox
 Click here

10 X Countries that may Not survive the next 20 Years
 Click here

Wilds of the South Pacific (Magnificent)
 Click here

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1973 - Dear Victim .... signed Crook
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January 1973: Texas State Rep. Jim Kaster filed a bill, that would have
required criminals to give their victims twenty-four hours notice, before
they committed a crime. Argued Kaster, "Obviously the criminal is not going
to do it, but this would be another punishment that could be added to the
penalty." No surprise, the bill was defeated.

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 Every 5 Seconds
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Every 5 Seconds

Count with me - 1...2...3...4...5...
Didn't take long, did it? But during this short period of time, an
unimaginable amount of action has happened around the world. People have
lost their lives, babies were born, and lightning has struck somewhere on
Earth. You might have been contributing to these actions yourself. With a
huge population of about 7 billion people in the world today, 5 seconds can
mean a lot. These remarkable facts and figures illustrate more or less what
happens in just a few moments of time.

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Links & Photos
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Netto Cat Ad
 Click here

Pole Dance on 16th Hole
 Click here

Lunga from the Musical Africa Africa
 Click here

Best New Magic 2016
 Click here

Gibbon taunts Tigers
 Click here

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I have one on order
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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