Friday humour - June 03, 2016

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

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From:
Arfermo
Subject:
Helium Beer

These
two guys from Germany are testing Helium Beer for the first time.

If
you don't laugh at this, there is no hope for you ! ! !

 Click here

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Subject:
Want to see a jet land on a stool?]


Want
to see a jet land on a stool? This is incredible....
Be sure and turn the sound on so you can hear the pilot:
 Click here

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From:
Duke of Barsinov
Subject:
Medicare Part G (Just in time for  an election - ED)


*Medicare
Part G* Assume you are a senior citizen and can no longer take care of
yourself. The government says there is no Nursing Home care available for
you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Part G.
The plan gives anyone, 75 or older, a gun (Part G) and one bullet.
You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be
sent to prison for the rest of your life... You will receive three meals a
day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV,
a library, and all the Health Care you need.
Need new teeth? No problem. New glasses? Piece of cake! What about hearing
aids, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, s*x change, or heart surgery? They are
all covered! As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least
as often as they do now! And who will be paying for all of this? The same
government that just told you they
'can't afford for you to go into a nursing home.' And you will get rid of a
useless politician to boot! And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't
have to pay any more income taxes! Is this a great country or what? Now
that you have solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your
week!


Subject:
The British Penny


The
British Penny European Union Directive No. 456179


In
order to bring about further integration with the single European currency,
the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and
Northern
Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a Penny" is not to be
used after 31 May 2016.


From
this date forward, the correct term will be: "Euronating".


It
is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone. If you have any
questions,
just give me a tinkle. Â


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From:
Duke of Barsinov
Subject:
Seriously true RW


    89
year old Ron Jones was stopped by the police at around 2 a.m.
who asked him where he was going at that time of night.
 He replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the
effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
    The officer said, "Really? Who's giving such a lecture at this time of
night?"


  Ron
answered, "That would be my wife.”


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From:
Sack
Subject:
Tax?


 Click here


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From:
Sack
Subject:
The difference between CRAZY and STUPID


A
truck driver was doing his usual delivery to the Mental Hospital.
He discovered a flat tire when he was about to leave.
He jacked up the truck and took the flat tire off.
When he was about to replace the flat tire with the spare tire, he
accidentally dropped all the nuts into a storm drain.


Realizing
he can't fish the nuts out, he starts to panic.
A patient walking by asks him what happened.


The
driver told him his problem. And the patient said "Can't even fix such a
simple problem... no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."


"Here's
what you can do, take one nut each from the other 3 tires and then tighten
them on to the spare. Then drive to the nearest garage and replace the
missing ones, easy as that!"


The
driver was very impressed and asked: "You're so smart but why are you here
in a  Mental Hospital?"


Patient
replied:
"Hello,
I am here because I'm CRAZY, not STUPID!! "


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From:
Sack
Subject:
 EXPLANATION OF POLITICS


Whether
Conservative, Liberal or Labour ,


I
think you'll get a kick out of this!


A
little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'


Dad
says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:


I
am the head of the family,
so call me The Prime Minister.


Your
mother is the administrator of the money,
so we call her the Government.


We
are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.


The
nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.


And
your baby brother, we will call him the Future.


Now
think about that and see if it makes sense.'


So
the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.


Later
that night, he hears his baby brother crying,
so he gets up to check on him.


He
finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.


So
the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.


Not
wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked,
he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..


He
gives up and goes back to bed.


The
next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
'Dad,
I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says,
'Good,
son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all  about.'


The
little boy replies,
The
Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound
asleep.
The
People are being ignored and the
Future is in deep sh*t.'


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From:
Sack
Subject:
 New Government Symbol


  I
guess it doesn't matter where one's political persuasion lies - this
applies to them all!


The
New Government Symbol


THE
GOVERNMENT'S NEW SYMBOL IS THAT OF A CONDOM,


because
it more accurately reflects the government's political stance....


A
condom allows for inflation,
halts production,
destroys the next generation,
protects a bunch of d*cks,
and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed !


      Damn,
it just doesn't get more accurate than that !


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From:
Seasoldier
Subject:
The See Through Safety Truck"


        Now
this is cool!!!


 Click here


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From:
Seasoldier
Subject:
Deer Crossing Signs


          You
have to watch and listen to the woman talking.


Remember,
this person has a driver's license and is out there on the road somewhere.
Beware.
I hope she doesn't vote because if she does, we are doomed.


 Click here


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From:
Wally
Subject:
Who is This Guy?


Who
is This Guy? (Oldie, but a Goodie)


 Click here


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From:
Whizzbang
Subject:
Muslim


   For
dog lovers everywhere.
  Notice the camera shaking because the lady owner is laughing so hard.


She
lives next door to a mosque.  She bought a husky.
He is very nice and does not bite.


She
is now getting complaints from the Muslim Imam next door.
She doesn't know why?


  Click here


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From:
Arfermo
Subject:
Re: Chinese Restaurant


 Click here


Dave
Allen in a chinese restaurant. Hilarious.


My
Prostate Exam


After
my recent Prostate Exam at the Mayo Clinic, which was one of the most
thorough examinations I've ever had, the Doctor left and the nurse came in.


As
she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....


She
said....


"Who
was that guy ? "


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From:
Arfermo
Subject:
Rions un peu...!-


 Click here


You
just have to love the USA, making driving ranges even more fun.


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From:
Sack
Subject:
Strange facts


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


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From:
Sack
Subject:
  Seniors Humour ...


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


If
you know anyone who is old, these would be fun to share.
Believe me, I'm not sending them to you because you're old.


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From:
Sack
Subject:
  Men BABYSITTING


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


                ********************


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From:
Sack
Subject:
  The Art of Topiary


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


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From:
Seasoldier
Subject:
THE AMISH AND THE ELEVATOR


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


A
 45 year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by  almost everything they saw,  but especially by  two
shiny silver walls that could move apart and then  slide back together
again.


The
boy asked, 'What  is this Father?'
The father (never  having seen an elevator) responded,
'Son,
I have never  seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it 
is.'
While the boy and  his father were watching with amazement, a  fat old lady
in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls  and pressed a button.


The
walls opened,  and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and  the boy and his father watched the small numbers
above the  walls light up sequentially.


They
continued to  watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers
began to light in the reverse order.


Finally
the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.


The
father, not  taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his 
son.....
'Go get your  Mother'


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From:
Seasoldier
Subject:
Old Rotting Tree Trunk?


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


It
Looks Like An Old Rotten Tree Trunk.
But,
Looking Closer, It Reveals Something Mind Blowing …


Hey
buddy, that is one gigantic tree trunk … but, why is it behind red tape?
It looks like it is all old and rotting with all that funny texture.


Come
closer, you say?
Sure … wait … holy cow … I guess it is not just a gigantic tree trunk
lying around in a gallery.


Artist
Zheng Chunhui created a piece called “Along The River During The
Quinming Festival”.


It
seems as though he was on a mission to blow everyone’s mind.
Take a look at the photos below and try to imagine the incredible skill and
dedication required to create something like this.


Nice
tree, buddy, about 40-feet long?
Pretty impressive.
You want me to look closer?
Okay…


Say,
what?


Okay,
so it turns out this is a wooded carved sculpture made with a single tree
trunk,
which is the world’s longest wood carving as per the Guinness Book of
World Records.


The
sculpture contains over 550 individually carved people,
not to mention all the buildings and foliage.


It
is a replica of the famous Chinese painting “Along The River During
The Quinming Festival”,
created by artist Zhang Zeduan during the Song Dynasty.


This
mind-blowing artwork was created by Zheng Chunhui.
It took four years to complete.


Now,
that is a masterpiece.


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From:
Seasoldier
Subject:
STRESS


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


Enjoy!
Have a good laugh!
Let us rejoice we are not all stressed out:


This
is how I heard YOUR day was going....
First you had trouble getting out of bed


You
had a stiff neck


Your
new diet really doesn't seem to be working out


You
pulled a muscle when you tried to exercise


You
keep losing things


You
got caught in the rain at lunchtime


Then
the lunch you had didn't seem to agree with you


You
feel trapped


Uninvited
guests showed up at dinnertime


Ontop
of that you think you're coming down with the flu


And
finally,
you're alone in the house at night when you think you hear a noise in the
basement


MAYBE
TOMORROW
WILL BE BETTER!!
Thoughtfor the Day


Handle
every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or play with it,
Just pee on it and walk away.


RELAX!!!


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From:
Wally
Subject:
Noah's Ark


Noah's
Ark: Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark.


ONE:
Don't miss the boat.
TWO:
Remember that we are all in the same boat!
THREE:
Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark .
FOUR:
Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something
really big.
FIVE:
Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
SIX:
Build your future on high ground.
SEVEN:
For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
EIGHT:
Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the
cheetahs.
NINE:
When you're stressed, float awhile.
TEN:
Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs, and the Titanic by professionals.


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From:
Wally
Subject:
Mercedes Van


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


The
amazing $400,000 Mercedes ˜private jet of vans, with mini bar,
executive bathroom, reclining seats and more. The VIP van created by
Becker Jet Van, based on a Mercedes Sprinter van, can seat six passengers
in amazing luxury of a jet cabin. The Californian-based company converts
the interior that can be completely customized,
depending on the demands of the owner.


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From:
Wally
Subject:
No Words Needed


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Click here Click here Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here


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From:
Wally
Subject:
Origin Time Again


 Click here


Origin
Time Again


That's
in Queensland - Click here


Top
30 Fights - Click here (I like no. 10  Mark Geyer vs

Queensland)


World's
Greatest Rivalry - Click here


Everyone
vs Everyone - Click here


Fight
& Raining Beer Cans - Click here


Big
Hits & Brawls - Click here


Queensland's
30 Best Tries - Click here


Classic
Queensland - Click here


2015
Vengeance - Click here (Queensland Won 52-6)



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From:
Wally
Subject:
20 X It's a Colourful World


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


20
X It's a Colourful World


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From:
Wally
Subject:
Two Aussie Heroes


 Click here


Two
Aussie Heroes


 Click here


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From:
Wally
Subject:
Life


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From:
Wally
Subject:
Maybe They Knew


 Click here


 Click here


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From:
Wally
Subject:
Grand Canyon of Arizona


 Click here


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From:
Wally
Subject:
Set Up


 Click here


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From:
Wally
Subject:
Links & Photos


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


Links
& Photos


The
Brain Dictionary


 Click here


XXX


Trailer
for Star Trek Beyond (in cinemas 22nd July)


 Click here


XXX


6
Uses for Windex


 Click here


XXX


15
X Billionaire Kids


 Click here


XXX


Wizz
Air 3 X Low Passes


 Click here


XXX


Slo
Mo Lightning


 Click here


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From:
Wally
Subject:
The Uncle Phone


 Click here Click here Click here Click here


The
Uncle Phone is an elongated, and fully functional red rotary dial phone.
The vintage phone sculpture takes two people to operate it,
due to the fact that the phone dial is located in the front, and the
receiver is positioned six and a half feet behind it.


Indian
artist Soren Pors sculpture The Uncle Phone has garnered a lot of attention
from aficionados from around the world. It was seen in
London, and will be auctioned off at South Asian Modern and
Contemporary Art sale, in London on June 10.
The phone is a working model, and is expected to fetch US$8,800 to 11,700.
It resembles those old dialler phones which were seen many decades ago.
Ever since the modern gadgets have arrived, the old phones became obsolete
just like those long lost uncles, whose memories remain etched in our mind,
long gone, but not forgotten. It would be interesting to see who would buy
this work of art.


Perhaps
this shows that there is a growing market for luxury art, and art that
defines contemporary forms of expression. A couple of decades ago this
piece of art would have evoked hardly any interest, but in a vibrant period
like today, such pieces of art would not only be appreciated, but also
valued and sold off for thousands of dollars.
It reveals a culture of spending on art, which really is good.


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From:
Wally
Subject:
USS Zumwalt


 Click here Click here Click here Click here


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From:
Whizzbang
Subject:
Engine problem


 Click here


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From:
Whizzbang
Subject:
Good On You D*ck Smith - Important.


 Click here


Aussie
grocery chain
Make sure the grocery buyer in your house-hold reads this.


There
should be more leading Australians like D*ck, he gets to the bottom of
important issues and anything that amounts to selling out
Australia is very important.


A
WARNING FROM D*CK SMITH:
You may be aware that " D*ck Smith " chain franchise stores are being
pressured by the Islamic Council of Australia to gain 'Halal
Certification' otherwise they will be proscribed and banned from
Muslim custom.


This
is their response:
A
MESSAGE FROM D*CK SMITH.
"We at D*ck Smith 's have received a number of letters from people asking
if we will be putting the Muslim Halal logo on our food.


To
acquire Halal certification, payment is required to the endorsing body (the
Islamic Council) and involves a number of site inspections of both our
growers and processors in order to ensure that our practices comply with
the conditions of Halal certification.


It
is important to note that this does not reflect the quality of the food
being processed or sold – it only means that the products are approved as
being prepared in accordance with the traditions of the
Muslim faith.


We
are aware of an increasing number of large companies both in
Australia and overseas, such as Kraft and Cadbury, who have obtained
accreditation to use the Halal logo. We don’t believe they have done this
because of any religious commitment but rather for purely commercial
reasons.
Perhaps these large organisations can afford to do this.
While we have a choice however, we would prefer to avoid unnecessarily
increasing the cost of our products in order to pay for Halal accreditation
when this money would be better spent continuing to support important
charitable causes where assistance is greatly needed.


We
point out that we have never been asked to put a Christian symbol (or any
other religious symbol) on our food requiring that we send money to a
Christian organisation for the right to do so.
Others would add that money paid to ANY Muslim 'organisation' (and you had
better believe it: these people ARE 'organised') can easily find its way
into the hands of Islamic extremist-fanatics and murderers, irrespective of
assurances to the contrary.


What
other assurances do we accept from Muslims?
Oh,
that's right, 'Islam is a religion of PEACE'!
How less Australian can companies get, than to place money into the hands
of those who seek to exploit us?"
This is an example of how the leaders of Muslims in Aus./NZ.
are bullying large commercial organisations (especially in the food
industry) into paying what is no more than blatant extortion money. The
amazing part is that these weak-kneed organisations (Cadbury/
Schweppes/ Nestles/ Kraft etc.) actually pay the large sums demanded by
these self-appointed religious bureaucrats.


Of
course, the manufacturers promptly pass this levy on to unwitting consumers
as cost increases. Next time you buy a block of Cadbury's chocolate, look
for the Halal Certification seal on the wrapper. So,
regardless of your own religious faith, you end up subsidising
Islam.
The
Council also controls the Muslim voter bloc which, as yet, does not have
sufficient critical mass to make a difference - but give them time.


Several
state jurisdictions are under pressure to adopt or permit Sharia Law in
Marriage, Family and Property matters and some, under the delusion that
they are being progressively liberal, are permitting this. This has already
happened in some local authorities in the U.K. Google the
U.K. Education Department's current investigation into the conduct of
Muslim-run schools in the Birmingham area of England.


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Quote of the Week:
“Don't find fault, find a remedy.” - Henry Ford.



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[ End friday humour ]

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