Friday humour - May 27, 2016

Gussius @ Bluehaze

After only 2 weeks of our feral election campaign, I'm pulling out the
remaining hair I still have, and there's still 40 odd days until Australia
elects the best politicians that money can buy.

In recent times, we have entertained ourselves by tormenting poor &
disabled pensioners with new & improved fear and distress policies while
herding selected immigrants onto tropical island paradises.

It's hard for the voter to chose a favourite outcome - $4 an hour for their
children starting work, farmers on welfare, low interest rates if you can
afford a home loan but grandma's investments are almost worthless.  It's
really hard when international trade agreements, border control and now our
internet system are treated as embarrassing secrets as if voters can't
handle the truth.

Contributions this week are from Sack, Seasoldier and, Wally,

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God and St Francis
GOD:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on
down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets,
milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance
garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and
multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts
butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast
garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started
calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and
replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to
temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing
there?

ST FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.
They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant
that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast.
That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes
twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:

Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the
rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a
lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so
fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer
stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall
to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and
protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle.
As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have
them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to
keep the soil moist and loose?

St. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they
call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine,
you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

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Make America ......:

 Click here

A new political movement has been started in the US.

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William Golding's wise words:

 Click here

One for the Ladies.

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Classic Rolls Royce:

Silver Ghost comes with its own picnic hamper and MACHINE GUN Daily Mail
Online

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Classic Rolls Royce Silver Ghost comes with its own picnic hamper and
MACHINE GUN
Not your usual added extras! Classic Rolls Royce Silver Ghost comes with
its own picnic hamper, champagne flutes and an ar*enal of weapons including
a MACHINE GUN

Many top of the range cars come fitted with a host of extras but not many
include an ar*enal of weapons including a machine gun.
And this 1924 Rolls Royce Silver Ghost also comes with features such as a
picnic hamper, a full silver set and champagne flutes.
The car will be taking part in a rally with nine other Rollers worth
millions of pounds at Hampton Court Palace in Surrey tomorrow.

Owner Andrew Courtney, who has had the guns deactivated, said the rich used
to take the weapons to protect themselves while touring. Mr Courtney's
Thompson submachine gun and Webley revolver are neatly concealed beneath
the running board of his vintage model.

The retired engineer, who helped design Margaret Thatcher's nuclear bunker
at Whitehall, bought the Silver Ghost in 2000 for £100,000. It was
originally owned by a woman from Maidenhead before travelling to Australia
and later back to Britain. It is now worth £300,000.

Mr Courtney, 60, joked that the weapons 'would have come in any handy in
any verbal dust-up with overzealous traffic wardens'. His metallic grey
motor carries five passengers in comfort but it is an expensive hobby
because the 70mph car manages only 6 to 8mpg.

Pride and joy: Andrew Courtney 60, of Hampton Wick, South-West London,
stands next to his open-tipped Rolls Royce Silver Ghost

Unusual added feature: The vintage 1924 Rolls Royce Ghost has a built in
Thompson submachine gun in the running board

Built in tools: The vehicle was originally owned by a woman from Maidenhead
before travelling to Australia and later back to Britain

Motor: The stunning car will be taking part in a rally with nine other
Rollers worth millions of pounds at Hampton Court Palace tomorrow

Driveable picnic: An attachment on the boot opens down to reveal a full
picnic set, complete with champagne flutes and a full silver set

High value: If Mr Courtney ever sold his vintage model - which features a
built-in tool kit - it would fetch a conservative £300,000

Steering: The metallic grey motor carries five passengers in comfort but it
is an expensive hobby as the car manages only 6 to 8mpg

Deactivated guns: Mr Courtney said the rich used to take the weapons to
protect themselves and their money while touring

Handily placed for action: Mr Courtney said he could understand how
'comforting' the guns would have been for a driver and passengers
Ar*enal: Mr Courtney said that the automatic weapon and pistol were 'ready
to be fired' at first, before he had them deactivated

Luxurious: In the era when the rich toured Europe in their Silver Ghosts,
they had to take their money with them, Mr Courtney said

Armed: Mr Courtney said when he bought the car with guns, 'it looked as if
it had just been driven off the set of an old Elliot Ness episode'

Top of the range: The vehicle built by Rolls Royce was viewed as the best
touring car in the world at the time

Pull over and pop open the bubbly: The luxurious accessory can store wine
bottles, condiments, plates and a host of picnic food

Looking inside: It's not unusual for cars to be fitted with a host of
extras but few boast a real life Tommy gun and pack a pistol

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World's Oldest Boeing Airliner:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

The oldest Boeing Airliner in flying condition - The four passengers are in
two closed cabins,
and the lone pilot is in an open c*ckpit -- maybe so the air will make him
stay awake!

The airplane is in Spokane, Washington and is the oldest airworthy Boeing
in the world.
After 8 years of repair/rebuilding and 8,000 hours of toil the Boeing 40C
rolled out last winter as a finished airplane.

They had to wait a few weeks for the snow to melt to fly this craft. They
received their Standard Airworthiness Certificate from the FAA and
completed the engine pre-oil and fuel flow tests for the first of the taxi
tests.

Facts for the Boeing 40 project:
The plane weighs 4,080 lbs empty and has a gross weight of 6,075 lbs.
It is 34 feet long and 13 feet tall with a wingspan of over 44 feet.
Wing loading is 10 lbs per sq ft and power loading is 10 lbs per HP.
The wings have 33,000 individual parts in them.
It should cruise at 115 mph using 28 GPH and 32 GPH at 120 mph.
It carries 120 gallons of fuel in three tanks.
Over 221 gallons of dope/reducer and 120 yards of 102 Ceconite fabric;
twelve gallons of polyurethane paint for the sheet metal; and 350 2"
brushes were used to apply six gallons of West Systems epoxy.
One-hundred-eighty-one rolls of paper towels were needed for cleanup.
There were a total of 62 volunteers who worked on the project to some
degree.
Twenty-one of the volunteers did a significant amount of the work and nine
of the volunteers worked continuously during the eight-year project.

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Dr. Seuss Trump Book:

Jimmy Kimmel has some fun with Trump! This is hilarious no matter where you
stand in the USA crazy presidential political maze. (two minutes).

Click here

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One of These Will Probably "Fit!":

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

TRY THESE ON FOR SIZE.
I THINK YOU WILL FIND AT LEAST ONE THAT FITS!

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JAPANESE S*X:

 Click here

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It's National Orgasm Day:

 Click here

A fellow turns to his wife in bed and whispers, "Did you know that today is
National Orgasm Day?"
"Oh,what a pity," she said, "Right in the middle of National Headache
Week!!"

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Syracuse TOOTH PICKS:

What can you do with a toothpick?
The most obvious answer is to pick at your teeth, but these little wooden
sticks can do so much more. Meet Stan
Munro, a 38-year-old man from Syracuse, New York , USA who has been turning
toothpicks into fantastic works of art.
Stan has been using toothpicks for his art since his fifth year in school,
and has turned that passion into his profession.
This exhibit has taken him 6 years to complete, using over 6 million
toothpicks and 170 litres of glue. Stan creates all his sculptures to scale
and then signs and dedicates each one to his wife, Suzi.

 Click here

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Got to love the aussies:

 Click here

 Click here

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Bill Clinton:

 Click here Click here Click here

Bill Clinton will be recorded in history, as the only President to do
hanky-panky between the Bushes

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Modern Express:

 Click here

 Click here

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How to Spider Proof your Home:

 Click here

How to Spider Proof your Home

Many people run a mile when they see a spider, and itâs quite a rational
fear. Some spiders are poisonous while others just turn your home into a
ghost house with their dusty cobwebs. Instead of having to combat them
after theyâve already made themselves welcome in your home, take
pre-emptive action, and make sure they donât get a chance to enter.
Thankfully, you donât need pesticide or mosquito nets to do this. Instead,
here are 9 natural tips to keep those creepy crawlies away.

Repel spiders with scent

1. Peppermint - Peppermint makes for a delicious tea or chewing gum
flavour, but spiders don't think so. The sweet smell is repugnant to them.
So spritzing a solution of water (and putting it in a standard spray
bottle) with 15 drops of peppermint essential oil can effectively keep them
away for quite some time. Spray this homemade solution in the corners and
entrances of your home. An added benefit of this remedy is that it will
make your home smell great.

2. Citrus peels - Not everyone wants their home smelling like peppermint.
But spiders donât respond well to citrus smells either, so If you prefer
citrus flavours, you can use the peel of lemons or oranges to keep your
home spider-less. Rub the baseboards, bookshelves and windowsills using a
lemon or orange peel or rind, to ensure the spiders donât infiltrate your
living areas.

3. Cinnamon  Another smell spiders hate is cinnamon. Light cinnamon candles
or burn cinnamon essential oil, or any other method that will flood your
home with this fresh scent. It not only repels spiders but has been known
to chase away other hazardous insects.

4. Tobacco This option leaves your home free from a strong scent and will
naturally drive the spiders away. You can either sprinkle chewing tobacco
in the corners of your homes or concoct a water solution to spray the smell
around your home. You will first need to soak the tobacco in water before
this solution can effectively work.

5. Vinegar - This common household ingredient can be used for many minor
problems, but few know itâs another of the many smells spiders dislike.
Combine with water in a spray bottle, and spritz to keep those spiders far
from your humble habitation. If you find vinegar has a strong smell you
donât enjoy, add a few drops of your essential oil of choice to mask the
scent.

6. Essential oils  As you probably understand by now, spiders are very
sensitive to smells, usually the ones that people enjoy. They don't respond
well to Tea Tree, Neem, or Lavender oils. Burn these essential oil flavours
with an oil burner, or combine a few drops of oil with lukewarm water in a
spray bottle, to spread the smell around your home quickly. This method is
especially effective during winter, when it is harder to get some fresh
enough ingredients to keep spiders at bay. Make sure to spray near any door
cracks and window frames, where spiders often creep through.

Make your house spider-unfriendly
7. Cats - If you are thinking about getting a pet, consider a cat. You
donât have to buy pets many toys because they find their own amusements.
Cats love to hunt and chase after spiders. They can help you find out where
the spiders are coming from. With more practice, they get better at
locating them. An added benefit is they usually like to dispose of them as
well.

8. Weather strips and tight fitting screens - Installing these in your
house is a cost-effective way of keeping spiders away. They also ward off
other bothersome creepy crawlers and insects like mosquitoes and ants. Make
sure to install them over all the vents and windows around the house so
that your home has no open entrances for any arachnids.


9. Trees in the backyard - Some trees and plants naturally repel spiders
and other insects from coming near your home. If you have a small yard or
garden, add an extra barrier by planting a eucalyptus tree. This st*rdy
tree requires minimal maintenance, and can offer you shade, fresh air, and
a pleasant smell.

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Links & Photos:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Adults Test Ride Baby Stroller Click here

Play Chess? (Preset Chess - This is for You) Click here

Cheeseball Machine Gun
 Click here

Pigeons with LED Lights
 Click here

Panama Canal
 Click here

Suez Canal
 Click here

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Fake Book Covers:

 Click here Click here Click here

Fake Book Covers
 Click here

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Optical Illusion:

 Click here Click here

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About Re-Boiled Water:

 Click here

(Caution – the following may not have any relationship to true and
accurate information - Ed)

Why Re-Boiling Water is Harmful
The composition of ordinary tap water changes when boiled. This
beneficially releases volatile compounds and gases, making boiled water a
safe drink. But when ordinary tap water is over boiled or re-boiled, the
chemical compounds change for the worse. Instead of dissolving, dangerous
substances acc*mulate, increasing the risk of consuming certain chemicals
and harmful substances like nitrates, ar*enic and fluoride. Healthy
minerals may also turn for the worse when amassed in large quantities,
calcium salts, for instance, can lead to kidney stones, and gallstones.

The Damaging Effects of Re-Boiled Water
Nitrates that are exposed to high heat become highly toxic. High
temperatures transform nitrates to nitrosamines, which are carcinogenic,
having the potential to cause cancer. Nitrates have also been linked to
diseases like leukaemia, non-Hodgkin lymphoma, ovarian, colon, rectal,
bladder, stomach, pancreatic, and thyroid cancer.
In addition, over the years, an acc*mulation of ar*enic, can lead to
ar*enic intoxication, which has been shown to cause numerous health issues
including cancer, cardiovascular disease, neurological issues, infertility,
and developmental disorders.
Furthermore, being exposed to too much fluoride, can have damaging effects
on neurological, and cognitive development, particularly in children,
according to data collected at Harvard University.

Snopes disagrees: Click here
The US centre for disease control has a different level of concern, ie none
at all:
What does a credible authoritative source have to say?
 Click here

Doubtful credibility SOURCES (loaded with cr*ppy adverts which is a dead
give-away):
About Chemistry - Click here
American Doctor.com - Click here
Healthy Holistic Living - Click here
Real Pharmacy - Click here
The Limited News crud source:
U.K. Sun - Click here

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Links & Photos:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Hyundai's Wearable Robot
 Click here

National Maritime Museum (Greenwich â England)
 Click here

20th Annual Webby Awards
 Click here

Kiss Cam
 Click here

Norway & Sweden (by Drone)
 Click here

Chick-fil-A (Funny Song)
 Click here

Animated Paper Wildlife
 Click here

Animals Beauty & Colour
 Click here

4 Flying Cars
 Click here

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