Friday humour - May 20, 2016

This weeks mirth proffered by Duke of Barsinov, Sack, Seasoldier,  Mac
OnaPc, Wally, Wronknee, Billy Bunter of Adelaide, et. al.

Enjoy!

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24 Absolute Laws of Golf

1:
No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner
Peace knowing that a sh*ttier one is yet to come. This law does not expire
on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the
course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

2:
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst
round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of
people you tell about the former.

3:
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic.  Though this cannot be proven in
the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the
greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be
partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.

4:
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play.
If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut
down.

5:
The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an
instructor.

6:
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your
group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a
football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS
agent -- or some similar combination.

7:
All Drivers are demon-possessed.  Your Mother in Law does not come close.

8:
Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water.
See LAW 3.

9:
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to
what it really should be.

10:
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

11:
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

12:
Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot
is really the beginning of the next group of three.

13:
If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.

14:
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.

15:
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like
expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

16:
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

17:
It's not a gimme if you're still 4 feet away.

18:
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight
line that passes directly through the centre of a very large tree.

19:
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of
the time.

20:
Every Time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double or
triple bogey to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

21:
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does,
simply try to use it to lay up just short of a water hazard.

22:
There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top
and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which
one is wearing the glove.

23:
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

24:
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

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Einstein

This message is forwarded as a community service!

No political bias intended.

Einstein developed this remarkable theory:
Energy = Mass x Speed of Light squared.......
A brilliant genius as we all know.
A lesser known application of Einstein's formula determined:  If you were
to strip naked and run around in a circle at the speed of 298 KM/sec (the
speed of light) it could be possible for you to sodomize yourself!

Should you determine that you are not physically capable of achieving that
speed at your age, you can easily achieve the same result by voting ALP in
the 2016 election.

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HOLY HUMOUR

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what
the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible
means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for
'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (This one is my favorite)

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There
are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and
there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's
morning."

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he
was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled
the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive
us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this
note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket
I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his
congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have
enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's
still out there in your pockets."

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The
owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to
the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient
vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls,
what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven.."

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a
long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many
cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant
pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as
if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my
business."

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of
attention.

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson
was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day , the pastor
stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school
lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

Last, but not least, a great one:

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the
congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the
regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last
minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to
think of something to play after I make the announcement about the
finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we
are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected
and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please
stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "O Canada".
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

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The Pharmacist's Monday Morning:

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this
morning on the phone.

I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand
an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now,

just a minute, listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.

I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that
I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a
window to get my keys."

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I
was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to
open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time
the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.

I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the
phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me
stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.

Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
back to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

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Lions S*x

Two old men are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that  Lions have
s*x 10 to 15 times a day?"
"Aww, darn!" says his friend, "and I just joined Rotary!"

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Modern Lessons

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday
afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them
thinking.
"Okay class. Now I'm going to give you famous quotes,  and the first person
to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.

'Who is credited with writing the phrase, "To be or not to be, that is the
question'?" asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off."

'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to
study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said
Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

'That's very good,' said the teacher.

OK let's try another quote, "I had a dream!"

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin
Ruther King!"

"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"

"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time
offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday
studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.

'You are to be commended,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "F***ing Asians!"

"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny.

"See ya Tuesday ..."

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Something to Think About.

In 1998, Kodak had 170,000 employees and sold 85% of all photo paper
worldwide.

Within just a few years, their business model disappeared and they got
bankrupt.

What happened to Kodak will happen in a lot of industries in the next 10
years - and most people don't see it coming.

Did you think in 1998 that 3 years later you would never take pictures on
paper film again?

Yet digital cameras were invented in 1975.

The first ones only had 10,000 pixels, but followed Moore's law.

So as with all exponential technologies, it was a disappointment for a long
time, before it became way superior and got mainstream in only a few short
years.

It will now happen with Artificial Intelligence, health, autonomous and
electric cars, education, 3D printing, agriculture and jobs.

Welcome to the 4th Industrial Revolution.

Welcome to the Exponential Age.

Software will disrupt most traditional industries in the next 5-10 years.

Uber is just a software tool, they don't own any cars, and are now the
biggest taxi company in the world.

Airbnb is now the biggest hotel company in the world, although they don't
own any properties.

Artificial Intelligence: Computers become exponentially better in
understanding the world.

This year, a computer beat the best Go player in the world, 10 years
earlier than expected.

In the US, young lawyers already don't get jobs.

Because of IBM Watson, you can get legal advice (so far for more or less
basic stuff) within seconds, with 90% accuracy compared with 70% accuracy
when done by humans.

So if you study law, stop immediately.

There will be 90% less lawyers in the future, only specialists will remain.

Watson already helps nurses diagnosing cancer, 4 time more accurate than
human nurses.

Facebook now has a pattern recognition software that can recognize faces
better than humans.

In 2030, computers will become more intelligent than humans.

Autonomous cars: In 2018 the first self driving cars will appear for the
public.

Around 2020, the complete industry will start to be disrupted.

You don't want to own a car anymore.

You will call a car with your phone, it will show up at your location and
drive you to your destination.

You will not need to park it, you only pay for the driven distance and can
be productive while driving.

Our kids will never get a driver's licence and will never own a car.

It will change the cities, because we will need 90-95% less cars for that.

We can transform former parking space into parks. 1.2 million people die
each year in car accidents worldwide.

We now have one accident every 100,000 km, with autonomous driving that
will drop to one accident in 10 million km.

That will save a million life's each year.

Most car companies might become bankrupt.

Traditional car companies try the evolutionary approach and just build a
better car, while tech companies (Tesla, Apple, Google) will do the
revolutionary approach and build a computer on wheels.

I spoke to a lot of engineers from Volkswagen and Audi, and they are
completely terrified of Tesla.

Insurance companies will have massive trouble because without accidents,
the insurance will become 100x cheaper.

Their car insurance business model will disappear.

Real estate will change.

Because if you can work while you commute, people will move further away to
live in a more beautiful neighbourhood.

Electric cars will become mainstream until 2020.

Cities will be less noisy because all cars will run on electric.

Electricity will become incredibly cheap and clean: Solar production has
been on an exponential curve for 30 years, but you can only now see the
impact.

Last year, more solar energy was installed worldwide than fossil.

The price for solar will drop so much that all coal companies will be out
of business by 2025.

With cheap electricity comes cheap and abundant water.

Desalination now only needs 2kWh per cubic meter.

We don't have scarce water in most places, we only have scarce drinking
water.

Imagine what will be possible if anyone can have as much clean water as he
wants, for nearly no cost.

Health: The Tricorder X price will be announced this year.

There will be companies who will build a medical device (called the
"Tricorder" from Star Trek) that works with you phone, which takes your
retina scan, you blood sample and you breath into it.

It then analyses 54 biomarkers that will identify nearly any disease.

It will be cheap, so in a few years everyone on this planet will have
access to world class medicine, nearly for free.

3D printing: The price of the cheapest 3D printer came down from $18,000 to
$400 within 10 years.

In the same time, it became 100 times faster.

All major shoe companies started 3D printing shoes.

Spare airplane parts are already 3D printed in remote airports.

The space station now has a printer that eliminates the need for the large
amount of spare parts they used to have in the past.

At the end of this year, new smartphones will have 3D scanning
possibilities.

You can then 3D scan your feet and print your perfect shoe at home.

In China, they already 3D printed a complete 6-storey office building.

By 2027, 10% of everything that's being produced will be 3D printed.

Business opportunities: If you think of a niche you want to go in, ask
yourself: "in the future, do you think we will have that?" and if the
answer is yes, how can you make that happen sooner?

If it doesn't work with your phone, forget the idea.

And any idea designed for success in the 20th century is doomed in to
failure in the 21st century.

Work: 70-80% of jobs will disappear in the next 20 years.

There will be a lot of new jobs, but it is not clear if there will be
enough new jobs in such a small time.

Agriculture: There will be a $100 agricultural robot in the future.

Farmers in 3rd world countries can then become managers of their field
instead of working all days on their fields.

Aeroponics will need much less water.

The first petri dish produced veal is now available and will be cheaper
than cow produced veal in 2018.

Right now, 30% of all agricultural surfaces is used for cows.

Imagine if we don't need that space anymore.

There are several start-ups who will bring insect protein to the market
shortly.

It contains more protein than meat.

It will be labelled as "alternative protein source" (because most people
still reject the idea of eating insects).

There is an app called "moodiest" which can already tell in which mood you
are.

Until 2020 there will be apps that can tell by your facial expressions if
you are lying.

Imagine a political debate where it's being displayed when they are telling
the truth and when not.

Bitcoin will become mainstream this year and might even become the default
reserve currency.

Longevity: Right now, the average life span increases by 3 months per year.

Four years ago, the life span used to be 79 years, now it's 80 years.

The increase itself is increasing and by 2036, there will be more that one
year increase per year.

So we all might live for a long long time, probably way more than 100.

Education: The cheapest smartphones are already at $10 in Africa and Asia.

Until 2020, 70% of all humans will own a smartphone.

That means, everyone has the same access to world class education.

Every child can use Khan academy for everything a child learns at school in
First World countries.

We have already released our software in Indonesia and will release it in
Arabic, Swahili and Chinese this Summer, because I see an enormous
potential.

We will give the English app for free, so that children in Africa can
become fluent in English within half a year.......

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The return of the blondes

Two blondes are filling up at a petrol station and the first blonde says to
the second, "I bet these awful fuel prices are going to go even higher."
The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10
worth."

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One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing
convulsively.
"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a
big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of
trousers for that suit."
"Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I
used them to patch the hole."

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Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at
that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

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A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls
of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next
door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in
size.
"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your
bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2
rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the
bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."

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A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A
neighbour suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked
great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second
horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other
horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which
worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.
Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart.
The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When
she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was
2 inches taller than the black one.

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Blonde Interview
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his
company.
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you
could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that
be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

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College
My son went happily off to college to study gynecology because he heard
that there were lots of openings.

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Irish Circ*mcision.

Paddy says to Mick,"I'm getting circ*mcised tomorrow."

Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."

Paddy asks,  "Does it Hurt?"

Mick says, " Well I couldn't walk for 12 months.."

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Ever hopeful!
 Click here

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Random Breath Test.

Bit of a slow day at the office, but you just never know where they will
turn up!
 Click here
Box Yards Road between Ivanhoe and Booligal (about 100km north west of Hay
in New South Wales).

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That's how I feel some days
 Click here

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Why Flying is So Expensive
 Click here

10 Countries with Beautiful Soldiers  Click here

Urban or Rural
 Click here

Collection of Funny Plane Photos  Click here

Three Seconds Warning
 Click here

Autonomous Gateway Shuttle's 1st Appearance  Click here

Tusker's Movie
 Click here

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Dindim the Penguin

Today's most heart warming story is brought to you from a beach in Brazil.

It's the story of a South American Magellanic penguin, who swims 5,000
miles each year to be reunited with the man, who saved his life.

Retired bricklayer and part time fisherman Joao Pereira de Souza, 71, who
lives in an island village just outside Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, found the
tiny penguin, covered in oil and close to death, lying on rocks on his
local beach in 2011.

Joao cleaned the oil off the penguin's feathers, and fed him a daily diet
of fish to build his strength. He named him Dindim.

After a week, he tried to release the penguin back into the sea. But, the
bird wouldn't leave. "He stayed with me for 11 months and then, just after
he changed his coat with new feathers, he disappeared,' Joao recalls, and
just a few months later, Dindim was back.

He spotted the fisherman on the beach one day, and followed him home.

For the past five years, Dindim has spent eight months of the year with
Joao, and is believed to spend the rest of the time breeding off the coast
of Argentina and Chile.

It's thought he swims up to 5,000 miles each year, to be reunited with the
man who saved his life. "I love the penguin like it's my own child, and I
believe the penguin loves me,' Joao said. "No one else is allowed to touch
him, except Professor Krajewski, who looks a bit like me. He pecks them if
they do. He lays on my lap, lets me give him showers, allows me to feed him
sardines, and to pick him up.

It's thought Dindim believes the fisherman is also a penguin. "Everyone
said he wouldn't return, but he has been coming back to visit me for the
past four years. He arrives in June and leaves to go home in February, and
every year he becomes more affectionate, as he appears even happier to see
me.'

Veterinarian Professor Krajewski, from Rio de Janeiro Federal University,
checks Dindim every visit, "I have never seen anything like this before. I
think the penguin believes Joao is part of his family, and probably a
penguin as well. "When he sees him he wags his tail like a dog, and honks
with delight.

The world just seems a kinder place again.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Another of Rolf's Victims Comes Forward.
She say's not only did Rolf Harris tie her down, but the dirty bastard went
on to sing about it.
 Click here

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British Airways lands with Square Tyre
 Click here
Square Eggs, Square Watermelons, and now ... Square Tyres?

Here's an aviation mystery to sit alongside the Bermuda Triangle, and the
disappearance of Amelia Earhart. A British Airways Airbus A380 set off from
Hong Kong with 22 round wheels, but apparently touched down at London
Heathrow with a bizarre square-shaped tyre. The British Airways crew
received a tyre pressure warning shortly after take-off. The crew continued
with the flight, but requested that a tow tug be available at the London
airport in case the aircraft was unable to taxi to the gate by itself.
Kumar
Mysore, from British Airways, said that the square shape occurs, when the
weight of the Airbus A380 distributes itself on a deflated tyre.

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Unusual Cars
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here
Each year tens of thousands of people gather in Nevada's Black Rock Desert,
to celebrate an unusual festival known as the Burning Man. This event
brings together community, art, self-expression and self-reliance. The
event encourages its participants to think outside the box, and get
creative. One of its main attractions is the art cars and each year, a
theme is usually selected by the event's organizers. The art cars are
generally weird, but certainly fun to look out. The event was first held in
1986 in San
Francisco, and has since taken place each year in August. Let's take a look
at some of the festival's 15 X craziest cars.

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[ End friday humour ]

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