Friday humour - May 13, 2016

HI 
 
With an Australian election finally announced, I’m sure the next couple of
months will be full of political content- keep them coming hard and fast –
a short point to ponder – the local election has only been announced and
will be over and settled before the US one has moved any more  
Thanks to Duke of Barsinov, Sack, Seasoldier and Wally for this weeks
contributions      
Till next time  
Haz

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Quotes   12 of the finest (unintentional) double entendres ever aired on TV
and radio
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator ñ 'This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator ñ 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator ñ 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 ñ 'Ah, isn't that
nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford
crew'
5. US PGA Commentator ñ  'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls
and kisses them ........ Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'
said:  'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight
inches you promised me last night?' 
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because
they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:  'Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:  'There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. ' 10
Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:  'Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:  'They
seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his
shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie F*nny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:  'Some weeks Nick likes to
use F*nny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

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SBS Comedy  
The Government has admitted finding it difficult to cut the taxes of
corporations in the upcoming budget with so many already paying absolutely
no tax at all.
   
Treasurer Scott Morrison has revealed tomorrowís budget will include
comprehensive tax reform with the focus being on cuts for any corporations
accidentally found to still be paying tax somehow.
    ìAustralia has been crying for substantive tax reform,î Morrison
claimed.
ìOur Government has identified there are several, some might say even a
handful, of corporations in this country that are still paying tax.
    ìThis is bringing great shame to our nation. We have heard the peopleís
cries. We have seen the rallies on the streets demanding that no
corporations pay any tax whatsoever - and we are doing our best to answer
it.
    ìIt is our utmost hope that these tax cuts will help us identify the
corporations that are still actually contributing to our society and let
them off the hook. Theyíve done enough. Some of these businesses have
openly paid a portion of their fair share. Those days must end.î    
The Government has also confirmed that there will be no tax cuts for anyone
earning under $80,000 a year.
    ìMedium and low income earners do not need tax cuts. If anything they
should be paying more to thank those nice corporations for allowing them
the privilege of buying their products and services.
    ìIf low income earners wanted to pay less tax they should just register
as a corporation like everyone else. Until then, screw them.î    

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Not so impossible    
From. Well, maybe a lot of these theories are far fetched. But, then again,
you can see where some of them will be right on the money.. Pretty scarey
for us old people.
   
Worth thinking about.
   
In 1998, Kodak had 170,000 employees and sold 85% of all photo paper
worldwide.
 
Within just a few years, their business model disappeared and they got
bankrupt.
 
What happened to Kodak will happen in a lot of industries in the next 10
year - and most people don't see it coming.
 
Did you think in 1998 that 3 years later you would never take pictures on
paper film again?
 
Yet digital cameras were invented in 1975.
 
The first ones only had 10,000 pixels, but followed Moore's law.
 
So as with all exponential technologies, it was a disappointment for a long
time, before it became way superiour and got mainstream in only a few short
years.
 
It will now happen with Artificial Intelligence, health, autonomous and
electric cars, education, 3D printing, agriculture and jobs.
 
Welcome to the 4th Industrial Revolution.
 
Welcome to the Exponential Age.
   
Software will disrupt most traditional industries in the next 5-10 years.
 
Uber is just a software tool, they don't own any cars, and are now the
biggest taxi company in the world.
 
Airbnb is now the biggest hotel company in the world, although they don't
own any properties.
 
Artificial Intelligence: Computers become exponentially better in
understanding the world.
 
This year, a computer beat the best Go player in the world, 10 years
earlier than expected.
 
In the US, young lawyers already don't get jobs.
 
Because of IBM Watson, you can get legal advice (so far for more or less
basic stuff) within seconds, with 90% accuracy compared with 70% accuracy
when done by humans.
 
So if you study law, stop immediately.
 
There will be 90% less lawyers in the future, only specialists will remain.
 
Watson already helps nurses diagnosing cancer, 4 time more accurate than
human nurses.
 
Facebook now has a pattern recognition software that can recognize faces
better than humans.
 
In 2030, computers will become more intelligent than humans.
 
Autonomous cars: In 2018 the first self driving cars will appear for the
public.
 
Around 2020, the complete industry will start to be disrupted.
 
You don't want to own a car anymore.
 
You will call a car with your phone, it will show up at your location and
drive you to your destination.
 
You will not need to park it, you only pay for the driven distance and can
be productive while driving.
 
Our kids will never get a driver's licence and will never own a car.
 
It will change the cities, because we will need 90-95% less cars for that.
 
We can transform former parking space into parks. 1.2 million people die
each year in car accidents worldwide.
 
We now have one accident every 100,000 km, with autonomous driving that
will drop to one accident in 10 million km.
 
That will save a million lifes each year.
 
Most car companies might become bankrupt.
 
Traditional car companies try the evolutionary approach and just build a
better car, while tech companies (Tesla, Apple, Google) will do the
revolutionary approach and build a computer on wheels.
 
I spoke to a lot of engineers from Volkswagen and Audi; they are completely
terrified of Tesla.
 
Insurance companies will have massive trouble because without accidents,
the insurance will become 100x cheaper.
 
Their car insurance business model will disappear.
 
Real estate will change.
 
Because if you can work while you commute, people will move further away to
live in a more beautiful neighbourhood.
 
Electric cars will become mainstream until 2020.
 
Cities will be less noisy because all cars will run on electric.
 
Electricity will become incredibly cheap and clean: Solar production has
been on an exponential curve for 30 years, but you can only now see the
impact.
 
Last year, more solar energy was installed worldwide than fossil.
 
The price for solar will drop so much that all coal companies will be out
of business by 2025.
 
With cheap electricity comes cheap and abundant water.
 
Desalination now only needs 2kWh per cubic meter.
 
We don't have scarce water in most places, we only have scarce drinking
water.
 
Imagine what will be possible if anyone can have as much clean water as he
wants, for nearly no cost.
 
Health: The Tricorder X price will be announced this year.
 
There will be companies who will build a medical device (called the
"Tricorder" from Star Trek) that works with you phone, which takes your
retina scan, you blood sample and you breath into it.
 
It then analyses 54 biomarkers that will identify nearly any disease.
 
It will be cheap, so in a few years everyone on this planet will have
access to world class medicine, nearly for free.
  3D printing: The price of the cheapest 3D printer came down from 18,000$
to 400$ within 10 years.
 
In the same time, it became 100 times faster.
 
All major shoe companies started 3D printing shoes.
 
Spare airplane parts are already 3D printed in remote airports.
 
The space station now has a printer that eliminates the need for the large
amount of spare parts they used to have in the past.
 
At the end of this year, new smartphones will have 3D scanning
possibilities.
 
You can then 3D scan your feet and print your perfect shoe at home.
 
In China, they already 3D printed a complete 6-storey office building.
 
By 2027, 10% of everything that's being produced will be 3D printed.
   
Business opportunities: If you think of a niche you want to go in, ask
yourself: "in the future, do you think we will have that?" and if the
answer is yes, how can you make that happen sooner?
 
If it doesn't work with your phone, forget the idea.
 
And any idea designed for success in the 20th century is doomed in to
failure in the 21st century.
   
Work: 70-80% of jobs will disappear in the next 20 years.
 
There will be a lot of new jobs, but it is not clear if there will be
enough new jobs in such a small time.
   
Agriculture: There will be a 100$ agricultural robot in the future.
 
Farmers in 3rd world countried can then become managers of their field
instead of working all days on their fields.
 
Aeroponics will need much less water.
   
The first petri dish produced veal is now available and will be cheaper
than cow produced veal in 2018.
   
Right now, 30% of all agricultural surfaces is used for cows.
   
Imagine if we don't need that space anymore.
   
There are several startups who will bring insect protein to the market
shortly.
   
It contains more protein than meat.
   
It will be labeled as "alternative protein source" (because most people
still reject the idea of eating insects).
   
There is an app called "moodies" which can already tell in which mood you
are.
   
Until 2020 there will be apps that can tell by your facial expressions if
you are lying.
   
Imagine a political debate where it's being displayed when they are telling
the truth and when not.
   
Bitcoin will become mainstream this year and might even become the default
reserve currency.
   
Longevity: Right now, the average life span increases by 3 months per year.
   
Four years ago, the life span used to be 79 years, now it's 80 years.
   
The increase itself is increasing and by 2036, there will be more that one
year increase per year.
   
So we all might live for a long long time, probably way more than 100.
   
Education: The cheapest smartphones are already at 10$ in Africa and Asia.
   
Until 2020, 70% of all humans will own a smartphone.
   
That means, everyone has the same access to world class education.
   
Every child can use Khan academy for everything a child learns at school in
First World countries.
   
We have already released our software in Indonesia and will release it in
Arabic, Suaheli and Chinese this Summer, because I see an enormous
potential.
   
We will give the English app for free, so that children in Africa can
become fluent in English within half a year.......

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Parrot without feet      
A fellow is browsing in a pet store, and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch.
   
It doesnít have any feet or legs.
   
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
   
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
   
'Holy cow,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
   
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent,
and thoroughly educated bird'    
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your
perch,
without any feet?'
   
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
 
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
   
'Wow,' says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak English,
can't you.?'
   
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy.
 
I'm especially good at ornithology.
   
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
   
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
   
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
   
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me, cause I don't have any feet.
   
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'
   
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
   
Weeks go by.
 
The parrot is sensational!
   
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he
understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
   
The guy is delighted.
   
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssst'
and motions him over with one wing.
   
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife,
and the UPS man.'
   
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
   
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the
door, in a sheer black nightie.'
   
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
   
'THEN what happened?'
   
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and
began petting her all over' reported the parrot.
   
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
   
'Yes.'
   
'Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began
to kiss her all over.'
   
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
   
'I DUNNO. I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

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Diesel Fitter      
IRISH DIESEL FITTER  
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation,
Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers
and thongs..'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it
classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
 
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
 
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.
 
When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to
find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
 
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel
Fitters are skilled labour.'
 
' What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs,
then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

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Donald's meaning of tragedy      
Donald Trump was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a grade
four class.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to meanings of some words.
The teacher asked Mr.Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the
word "tragedy."
So the illustrious Republican candidate asked the class for an example of a
'tragedy'.
   
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing inthe field and a tractor runs him over and kills him,
that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Trump, "that would be an accident."
 
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
 
"I'm afraid not," explained Trump. "That's what we would call a great
loss."
 
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trump searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
 
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher
held her breath.
 
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you Mr. Trump was struck
by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a
tragedy."
 
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be
an accident either!"

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OW BLOKES DROP THEMSELVES INTO IT !!!
     
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
 
WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
 
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST
APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,WHICH BORE HIS
FULL NAME.
 
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME
HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.
 
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
 
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT..
 
THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO
HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD
ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL ..
 
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
 
'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED  
HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
 
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
 
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
 
THEN THE UGLY,
 
OLD,
 
BALD,
 
WRINKLED,
 
FAT AR*ED,
 
GREY HAIRED,
 
DECREPIT,
 
B##t##d ASKED..
 
'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH    

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Dog walking  
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the
block?'.
 
Her mum replies, 'No, because she is on heat.'
 
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
 
'Go and ask your father. I think he's out in the garage.'
 
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for
a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat,
and to come and ask you.'
 
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it
to disguise the scent, and said, 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the
leash and only go one time around the block.'
 
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, ' Where's Lulu?'
 
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block,
so another dog is pushing her home.'

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Newfie Rodeo      
Two Pilots were out drinkin' and talking about their favorite s*x
positions.
One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.'
 
'I don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other Newfie 'What
is it?'
 
'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her
from behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts in your hands and
whisper in her ear: 'By Jesus, these feel just like your sister's.í Then
you try and stay on for 8 seconds.'

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   Wee Irishman    
An Irishman is an avid golfer, but has never had a hole-in-one. One day on
lucky hole #13, he finally makes his first hole-in-one.
 
Immediately, a leprechaun leaps into view and congratulates him. The
leprechaun says, ìFor this hole-in-one, I will grant ye' one wish."
 
The Irishman replies, ìCan ye' make me pecker a wee bit longer?" ìDone"
says the leprechaun.
 
By the 14th hole, the Irishman can tell something is happening. By 15, it
is noticeably different and beginning to strain his shorts. By 16, it is
now becoming uncomfortable. By 17, it now hangs just below the leg of his
shorts. By 18, it is now dragging on the ground.
 
After completing his round, the Irishman drags himself to the pro shop. He
explains what has happened to the golf pro and asks what can be done.
 
The golf pro tells him he must make another hole-in-one on 13 to get the
leprechaun back. The Irishman takes buckets of range balls to 13 and begins
hitting. After much effort, he finally makes another hole-in-one.
 
The leprechaun springs into view and congratulates him. The leprechaun
says,
ìFor this hole-in-one, I will grant ye' one wish."
 
The Irishman replies, "Can ye' make me legs a wee bit longer?"

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People Are Insane    
Adrenaline Edition -  
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Advance Edition - 
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Astonishing Edition - 
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Impossible Edition -
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Incredible Edition -
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Intense Edition -
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Marvelous Edition -
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Spectacular Edition -
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Urban Climbing Edition -
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Lunatic Edition -
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Maniac Edition -
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   Mount Everest    
 Click here  

 
Mt. Everest From The Ground Up. This is undoubtedly the closest any of us
will ever get to the top of Mt. Everest.
   
Keep an eye on the elevation on the left side of screen. Move moose around,
when you reach the top. It's almost like being there, and there's a 360
degree view from the top.

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     What a mistake  
 Click here
  ta  
I was having a drink the other night and overheard three very hefty women
talking at the bar.
 
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked,
"Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
 
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
 
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from
Scotland?"
 
And that's the last thing I remember.

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 Click here
 
 Click here

 
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   Senior coffee mugs! thought you might enjoy this ,it came from a friend.
Marg  
 Click here   Click here   Click here   Click here Click here Click here
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   This will drive you nuts  
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This will drive you nuts...............
After you have thought about this for a while, pass it on to those poor
unsuspecting friends you just love to pull something over on.
   
' Oscar Card Trick. Performed by: YOU !!
   
Pick one of the following cards. Don 't click on it; just keep it in your
head.
   
Scroll down when you have your card ....
   
Think about your card in front of Oscar.
   
Oscar will attempt to read your mind! ?
   
Scroll down    
The Great Oscar Has Removed Your Card!
   
SCARY ISN'T IT.
Now scroll up and do it again, this will freak you out.
   
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Mexico border wall  
 Click here  


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   When You Get Old, You Need a Tricycle  
 Click here
 
Imagine the cost of the upkeep of this monster!

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Daddy, can I borrow your car?   
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+    
New Ferrari for Dad $1,000,000    
Daughter borrows Dad's new car to try out,
And hits a Pylon at 200 MPH.
   
The driver only had some bruising (seat belt) and 2 small cuts.
   
Car loss? $1 Million!
Waiting list for a new one? 2 years.
When can daughter drive Dad's car again? Next lifetime.
When will kid not be grounded and see the light of day?
Same day the polar ice caps melt.
But she is still alive.....
Priceless.................
Car only had 9 miles on it!
One mile of it was during the crash.

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   : BET YOU HAVEN'T COME ACROSS ONE OF THESE IN YOUR TRAVELS  
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BET YOU HAVEN'T COME ACROSS, USED ONE OF THESE IN YOUR TRAVELS    
Ewww........
   
Do they really do this? Outside????

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My New Exercise Routine  
 Click here

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THOUGHT THIS WAS WORTH A READ

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Thought you knew everything?
 
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
   
And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you
just tried these out mentally, didn't you?)    
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or
purple.
   
' Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.(Are you
doubting this?)    
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never
stop growing.
   
The sentence:
 
'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog'   uses every letter of the
alphabet.
(Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)    
The words 'racecar,' kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read
left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going
to
'do' this one.)    
There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous':
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
(You're not possibly still doubting any of this, are you ?)    
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in
order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.'
(Okay, admit it, you just went through ?a-e-i-o-u? in your head)    
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on
one row of the keyboard.
(All you typists are going to test this out)    
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
 
A goldfish has a memory span of three second (And, some days I think I?m
right there with them.)    
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time, 1/100th of a second.
   
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. A snail can sleep
for three years.
(I know some people that could do this too!)    
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
   
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that also . Actually I know A LOT of people like
this!)    
Babies are born without kneecaps  
They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
   
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full
moon..
   
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
   
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never
end because of the rate of reproduction.
   
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors    
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
   
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
   
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
   
The cruise liner, QE 2,moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that
it burns.
   
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a
chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
(Good thing he didn?t have dynamite.)    
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid .
   
There are more chickens than people in the world.
   
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
   
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

      ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

   Top Student....
 
 Click here Click here
 
FROM AN ARAB STUDENT TO HIS DAD    
An Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad, saying:
   
Dear Dad  
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I
am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB
when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
 
Your son, Nasser  
The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mailfrom his dad:
 
My dear loving son  
One Hundred million dollars have just been transferred to your account.
Please stop embarrassing us.
Go and get yourself a train too.
   
Love, Dad 
   
  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
Las Vegas - This Is Too Funny  
 Click here Click here
     
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 55th Wedding Anniversary with
a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the MGM Hotel/Casino and registered,
a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly.
George brushed her off.
 
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so
rude."
 
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
 
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
 
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
 
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come
to Room 217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open
just enough to hear us, OK?"
 
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in,
swinging her hips provocatively.
   
George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.."
 
Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in the range of
$25."
 
Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can
buy s*x for that price."
 
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."
 
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't
believe it!"
 
George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
 
At the bar, as they sipped their c*cktails, Bambi came up behind George,
pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25 bucks?"

      ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

   The "F" Word  
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
     
Quite frankly, the "F" word can be the ONLY word in the English language
that accurately describes some situations . . .
   
The word is 'FEAR' of course!
 
What in the world were you thinking?
 
Sometimes I worry about you . . .

      ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
God's New Rule  
 Click here
   
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you
had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go
into effect at noon the next day.
 
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.
 
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man,
"Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you
died."
 
"No Problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my
lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere
in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and
yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to
give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there
was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!
 
I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the
ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that
broke his fall and he didn't die. In a rage, the first thing I thought of
was the refrigerator. I pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over
the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the
moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
 
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a
bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir.
Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
 
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Hi there. Before I can let you
in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
 
The guy sighs and says: "No problem. But you're not going to believe this.
I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I
had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my
stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell
over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the
balcony below mine.
 
Then this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and
stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes
at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm
lying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain,
I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It
falls 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
 
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I
could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "very well," the
Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets him enter.
 
A few seconds later, a third guy comes up to the gate. Finally he says,
"And what was YOUR day like?"
 
The guy says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator..."

    ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
Links & Photos  
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here
 
Links & Photos  
Super Bee  
 Click here  

 
Meet Your Second Wife (Funny TV show)  
 Click here  


Why We Go? (Virgin Galactic Ad)  
 Click here  

 
Bad Day in Space  
 Click here  


    ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
What Next  
 Click here Click here
 
KFC Hong Kong has announced that it's created edible nail polish. It will
come in two flavours, Original and Hot & Spicy. KFC says, "To use,
consumers simply apply and dry, like regular nail polish, and then lick,
again, and again, and again, and itís finger lickin good."

      ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
Links & Photos  
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here
 
Best News Bloopers April 2016  
 Click here  

 
Celebrating M & Mís 75th Birthday  
 Click here  

 
The Trump Family that I Know  
 Click here  


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   Ladybugs  
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here
 
Whether we call them Ladybugs, Ladybeetles, or even Ladybirds, these
pretty,
winged insects are known, and loved by everyone. With their familiar,
delicate wings, covered with a varying array of patterns of red, yellow,
orange, and black with spots, these tiny members of the Coccinellidae
family of beetles, are sized between a miniscule 0.03 and 0.7 inches. There
are more than 5,000 species of Ladybugs.
 
Do you remember the old nursery rhyme 'Ladybird, ladybird'?
One traditional version, published in 1744, goes like this:
Ladybird, ladybird, fly away home,
Your house is on fire and your children are gone,
All except one,
And her name is Ann,
And she hid under the baking pan.

      ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

   24 X Bird Huddles  
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

        ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Tragic Air Show Disaster  
 Click here

        ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
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[ End friday humour ]

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