Friday humour - May 06, 2016

Friday greetings, fellow Humourites!

Humour today emanates from Arfermo, Duke of Barsinov, Havarum, Haz,
Nottingham Smithie, Seasoldier, Wally, and Whizzbang.

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How to Tell the S*x of a  Fly

JUST TOO  CUTE
A  woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband  stalking around with
a fly swatter 'What are you  doing?'
She asked.
'Hunting Flies'
He  responded.
'Oh! Killing any?'
She  asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he  replied.
Intrigued,  she asked.
'How can you tell them  apart?'
He responded,
3  were on a beer can,
2 were on the  phone.

Winston Churchill loved paraprosdokians, figures of speech in which the
latter part of a sentence or phrase is "surprising or unexpected."

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell
you why it isn't.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.

9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted pay checks.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency,
notify:' I put "DOCTOR."

11. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

12. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street...with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are s*xy.

13. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

14. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

15. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.

16. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.

17. There's a fine line between cuddling and...  holding someone down so
they can't get away.

18. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

19. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

20. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit
the target.

21. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

22. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

23. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in
a garage makes you a car.

Finally:

24. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but now it's getting harder and
harder for me to find one.

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The British Penny

Before you vote and Just in time to consider before the referendum

The British Penny
European Union Directive No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration  all citizens of the United
Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the
phrase "Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 30 April 2016.

From this date onwards, the correct term will be:"Euronating".

It is hoped that this will be a great-relief to everyone.
If you have any questions, just give us a tinkle.

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Einstein

Did you know this about Einstein?

Einstein was born March 14, 1879.
He would be 137 if he were alive today. Few people remember that he married
his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919.

At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa "because she was so
well endowed."

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the
attraction is even stronger if there is a
DNA connection.
This came to be known as

...Einstein's Theory of RelativeTitty.

Oh, stop moaning! I don't write these... I receive them from my friends and
  then send them on to you. Anyway, it beats the hell out of all that
political cr*p, doesn't it...???

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Only a Navigator would think of such things Possible

The passenger steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the
waters of the mid-Pacific on its way from Vancouver to Australia.

The navigator had just finished working out a star fix and brought the
master, Captain John Phillips, the result. The Warrimoo's position was
latitude 0 degrees x 31 minutes north and longitude 179 degrees x 30
minutes west.

The date was 31 December 1899. "Know what this means?" First Mate Payton
broke in, "we're only a few miles from the intersection of the Equator and
the International Date Line".

Captain Phillips was prankish enough to take full advantage of the
opportunity for achieving the navigational freak of a lifetime. He called
his navigators to the bridge to check and double check the ships position.
He changed course slightly so as to bear directly on his mark. Then he
adjusted the engine speed.

The calm weather and clear night worked in his favour.

At midnight the "Warrimoo" lay on the Equator at exactly the point where it
crossed the International Date Line!

The consequences of this bizarre position were many. The forward part of
the ship was in the Southern Hemisphere and the middle of summer. The stern
was in the Northern Hemisphere and in the middle of winter. The date in the
aft part of the ship was 31 December 1899. Forward it was 1 January 1900.

This ship was therefore not only in two different days, two different
months, two different seasons and two different years but in two different
centuries-all at the same time.

Amazing!!!!

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Memory Lane Motors

Check out these vehicles at Memory Lane Motors:

Must have something you would have like or remember!
 Click here

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Amazing Paper Artwork

Calvin has worked for 25 years to perfect his medium of choice: Paper!

But he doesn't just draw on it. He shapes it to create intricate works of
staggering detail and beauty.

This particular series is appropriately titled, 'Paper Zoo.'

To make the art, he starts by observing real-life animals and their
movements.

He takes numerous sketches that he will later use as reference for his
paper art.

He then cuts up thousands of tiny pieces of paper and pastes them together
to form each animal.

The texture he is able to achieve with this technique is astounding.

Given that he's only working with white paper, the details must be exactly
right in order to create the appropriate depth and shadowing.

It's incredibly delicate work.

Each small piece can take many weeks to complete.

While the bigger ones can take months, or even years.

His work has been featured in National Geographic, as well as numerous
galleries and art shows all over the world.

He uses X-ACTO knives, scalpels, and scissors in the construction of his
critters.

Fur is an especially difficult texture to create, so animals make for a
distinct challenge.

Feathers are also very hard to replicate.

Just look at the texture on the hummingbird's belly.

They almost look like they could be alive!

Calvin's Facebook page and website feature a whole lot more of his amazing
works and they're really worth your time.

Amazing.

The commitment these amazing pieces of art require is just mind-blowing.
Can you imagine how frustrating it would be if you messed up a little
detail on those pieces? Talent like this just doesn’t come around
that often.
 Click here

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Meow!

temptationslab.com

This is rather amazing, if it's true.  Be sure to scroll down to listen to
the various examples.

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SMILE OF THE WEEK

Somewhere in Ireland a teacher asks her class:
"Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend? "

Young Paddy raises his hand and says, "Trudy Glenn Miss."

"No Paddy ," says the teacher.  "The answer is Maid Marion. "

But Miss, what about that song we used to sing:

˜Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glenn."

You're singing this as you read it aren't you?

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Haha

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference
between these two words.  In a recent linguistic competition held in London
and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a
Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted
over 5 minutes.

The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE
and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is
no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer:
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong
woman, you are FINISHED.  And when the right one catches you with the wrong
one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!

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Love those Newfies

Silly but humorous

A Dutch person from Vancouver and a Newfie go into a pastry shop in north
Edmonton.

The Dutch guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.

(The baker doesn't notice.)

The Dutch guy says to the Newfie, "You see how clever we are? You Newfies
can never beat that!"

The Newfie says to the Dutch guy, "Watch dis, any Newfie is smarter din
you, and I'll prove it to ya."

He says to the baker, "Gimme a cookie, I'll show ya a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie, which Newfie promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker, "Gimme anudder cookie for me magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one
too.
Then he says again, "Gimme one more cookie..." The baker is getting angry
now, but gives him one anyway. The Newfie eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "OK... And now where is your
famous magic trick?"

The Newfie says....
"Now look in the Dutch guy's pocket!"

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A man and woman

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start
eying each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing. He slips
a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.

Rear toilet? He suggests. Five minutes, she agrees and goes off. He waits
five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. Right, get that condom
on, she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up
to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system.
"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing,
and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those
cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

And what were you thinking?
I worry about you sometimes!

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Dead Crows Research

I thought this was pretty funny...

------------------------------

This is an interesting article - very well researched ....outstanding
conclusion

Oh, stop your groaning! You didn't have to keep reading.

TIME FOR A SMILE

200 crows were found dead recently and there was concern that it may have
been caused by avian flu.

A bird pathologist examined the remains and to, everyone's relief,
confirmed that the problem was not avian flu, but rather vehicular pact.

Varying colours of paint appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.      By
analysing the paint residues it was determined 98% of the crows had been
killed by trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars.

An ornithological behaviourist was hired to determine  if there was a cause
for the disproportionate percentage of truck kills versus car kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause.  When crows eat roadkill, they always
have a lookout crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout 'CAH', not a
single one could shout 'TRUCK'!

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Breathalyser trap in Australia

Box Yards Road between Ivanhoe and Booligal (about 100km north west of Hay
in New South Wales).

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Fireworks China

Incredible!  You must watch.

This video of a Fireworks Show in China is a treat for the eyes.

Less than 2 minutes in length but with shapes that I've never seen before.

This Hunan Province town is where fireworks were invented and the show has
never been equalled in the West.

The Chinese are not only the inventors of fireworks but they are still
masters:
 Click here

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Fireworks - Japan
 Click here

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NO SPEAK DA ENGLISH...

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever
after in Toronto .. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but
did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever
she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't
know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a
chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the
message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to
say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the
butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken
breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way
to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)

What were you thinking?

Her husband speaks English....hellooo!

I worry about you sometimes!

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L'avenir, The future !
 Click here

Essential viewing!

Must watch to the end.

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Funny and Often True
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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SMART BLOND

Jenny, a blond girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids
could only count to four, but I counted to 10.  See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,
8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blond?" Jenny asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blond," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the
other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G.  See?  A, B, C, D,
E, F, G!"

"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blond, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blond."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we
showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blond,  Mommy?"

"No honey, it's because you're 24!"

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GREEN SHOES SEEN AT THE MASTERS TOURNAMENT
 Click here

Nike now markets comfortable Green Shoes.

Whether you golf or not, these are AWESOME shoes!

The Shoes, The Shoes, Look at the damned Shoes!

Sometimes, I think I'm just wasting my time sending you interesting photos!

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Best Chat Up Line?
 Click here Click here

Works with most names. Likely to be voted best chat up line of 2016.

"I'm Jane," she said.

"I'm Christopher," he replied "but everyone calls me D*ck for short"

"How do you get D*ck from Christopher?" she asked.

"You just have to ask me nicely" he replied.

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10 X Beirut Rubbish
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

There has been no rubbish removals,
in  Beirut,  for  the  last  six  months.

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Which Course?
 Click here

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf.

One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out
of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his
buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority -
figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf
course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my
wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the
cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading
the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like
they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped
my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great
morning - golf course​ or intercourse?"

She said, "Don't forget your hat."'

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How Long?
 Click here Click here

There is no seat for them to sit on !!!

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How to Fix a Wet Phone
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Link & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Link & Photos

Expensive Cars
 Click here

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Links & Photos

A Dance like No Other (Brilliant)
 Click here

Taj Flaknuma Palace
 Click here

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Dartboard Jesus
 Click here

The latest example of religious-themed art  that's  stirring  up
controversy: a "Dartboard Jesus." It was  on display at the Rutgers
University library, as part of an exhibit of student art, but was taken
down recently because, according to  campus  officials,  "it  did  not 
meet
Rutgers    University    Libraries   policy,
which  requires  art exhibitions and their pieces  to be based on
university events, curricular offerings and topics of interest to  the 
university community." In  other words,   it   became   too  
controversial.

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10 X Navy Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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PING PONG Brazilian!!
 Click here

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Lexophile

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words,
such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write 
with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every
year in an undisclosed location.

This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

... When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

... The batteries were given out free of charge.

... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

... A will is a dead giveaway.

... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

... When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

... Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest.

... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?  
He's all right now.

... A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

... Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the
end.

ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN; IT'S CHEAP MEDICINE!

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[ End friday humour ]

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