Friday humour - April 29, 2016

 From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

This week politics touches the minds of some contributers. I let some of it
go through to the 'keeper'. Then something came in which brought forth a
smile to your ED.

Enjoy!

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From: Anonymous3

Subject: Stroke has a new indicator!

Stroke has a new indicator They say if you email this to ten people, you
stand a chance of saving one life. Will you send this along?Blood
Clots/Stroke - They Now Have a Fourth
Indicator, the Tongue

STROKE: Remember the 1st Three Letters.....

S. T. R.

STROKE IDENTIFICATION:

During a BBQ, a woman stumbled and took a little fall - she assured
everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) ...she said
she had just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes.

They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food. While she appeared
a bit shaken up, Jane went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening.

Jane's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken
to the hospital - (at 6:00 PMJane passed away) She had suffered a stroke at
the BBQ. Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Jane
would be with us today.
Some don't die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead.

It only takes a minute to read this.

A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he
can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick
was getting a stroke recognized,
diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours,
which is tough.

RECOGNIZING A STROKE

Thank God for the sense to remember the '3' steps, STR. Read and

Learn!

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately,
the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe
brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple
questions:

S *Ask the individual to SMILE.

T *Ask the person to TALK and SPEAK A

SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently)

(i.e. Chicken Soup)

R *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.

If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call emergency number
immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

New Sign of a Stroke --------

Stick out Your Tongue!

NOTE: Another 'sign' of a stroke is this: Ask the person to 'stick' out his
tongue. If the tongue is

'crooked', if it goes to one side or the other that is also an indication
of a stroke.

A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this
e-mail sends it to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be
saved.

I have done my part. Will you?

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From: Haz

Subject: Fwd: English Country Garden...
 Click here

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From: Haz

Subject: White House Humor

Just Think - If Trump wins the election it'll be the first time in history
that a white billionaire moved into public housing vacated by a black
family!

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From: Haz

Subject: Fwd: A Freak of Nature!

The passenger steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the
waters of the mid-Pacific on its way from
Vancouver to Australia. The navigator had just finished working out a star
fix and brought the master, Captain John Phillips, the result.
The Warrimoo’s position was latitude 0 degrees x 31 minutes north and
longitude 179 degrees x 30 minutes west. The date was 30 December 1899.
“Know what this means?” first mate Payton broke in, “we’re only a
few miles from the intersection of the Equator and the
International Date Line”.

Captain Phillips was prankish enough to take full advantage of the
opportunity for achieving the navigational freak of a lifetime. He called
his navigators to the bridge to check and double check the ships position.
He changed course slightly so as to bear directly on his mark. Then he
adjusted the engine speed. The calm weather and clear night worked in his
favour. At midnight the “Warrimoo” lay on the Equator at exactly the
point where it crossed the International Date Line! The consequences of
this bizarre position were many. The forward part of the ship was in the
Southern
Hemisphere and the middle of summer. The stern was in the Northern
Hemisphere and in the middle of winter. The date in the aft part of the
ship was 30 December 1899. Forward it was 1 January 1900. This ship was
therefore not only in two different days, two different months, two
different seasons and two different years but in two different
centuries-all at the same time.

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From: KRP

Subject: Aqueduct In China
 Click here

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From: Sack

Subject: Life In The Circus?

A couple who work at the Circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produce photos of their 50 foot motorhome,which is equipped with
a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child
would get.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the
usual subjects  along with French,
Mandarin and computer skills."

Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied.

They ask,"What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter,as long as he fits in the Cannon

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From: Seasoldier

Subject: Chuckles

A police recruit was asked during the exam,

"What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.

He walks up to the driver's window and asks,
"You drinkin'?"

The driver said, "Well that depends - You buyin'?"

       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have so many problems that if a new one comes along

today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to
send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, 'Rest in
Peace'.

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.  After he had told
the florist of the obvious mistake

and how angry he was, the florist replied, 'Sir,
I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry

you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today,
and they have flowers with a note saying,

'Congratulations on your new location!'

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From: Seasoldier

Subject: Proper dusting technique (XX - ED)
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang

Subject:  Selling Bibles

Selling Bibles

(If this doesn't make you laugh, just go ahead and close your casket!)

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial
troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several
cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the
Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for
the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and
were likely capable of selling some
Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer,
who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech
impediment.

Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the
minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked
with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their
door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were,
the minister

immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our
Bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales
prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles,
and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said,
vigorously shaking his

hand..."You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church
last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest,
confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on
behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a
professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you
manage to sell any Bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents.
"What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie,
there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the
church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded.

"That's impossible!" both Jack and
Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have
sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think

you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged.. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know

f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us
what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,"
Louis replied,

"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like
t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible f-f-for t-t-ten
b-b-b-bucks---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would  yo-you j-j-j-just l-like
m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to
y-y-you?"

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From: Whizzbang

Subject:  test your skills YES

Amazing what the human mind can do when tested like this

Here's another trick of Doctor Dementia to test your skills...

Can you meet this challenge?

We've seen this with the letters out of order,
but this is the first time we've seen it with numbers.  Good example of a
Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind.  And
better than that: Alzheimer's is a long long, way down the road before it
ever gets anywhere near you.

     7H15                    M3554G3

     53RV35          7O      PR0V3

     H0W         0UR      M1ND5      C4N

     D0         4M4Z1NG       7H1NG5!

     1MPR3551V3            7H1NG5!

     1N        7H3       B3G1NN1NG

     17        WA5      H4RD      BU7

     N0W,       0N    7H15       LIN3

     Y0UR         M1ND      1S

     R34D1NG 17         4U70M471C4LLY

     W17H0U7            3V3N

     7H1NK1NG      4B0U7     17,

     B3      PROUD!        0NLY

     C3R741N          P30PL3     C4N

     R3AD           7H15!

     PL3453         F0RW4RD     1F

     U      C4N      R34D      7H15.

To my 'selected' strange-minded friends: If you can read the following
paragraph, forward it on to your friends with
'yes' in the subject line. Only great minds can read this. This is weird,
but interesting!

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid,
too.

Can you raed this? Olny 55 people out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg.  The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the
olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit
pclae.  The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a
pboerlm.
  This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
but the word as a wlohe.  Azanmig huh?  Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling
was ipmorantt!  If you can raed this forwrad it.

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From: Whizzbang

Subject: The Damned British

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was staggering through the Afghan

Desert when he saw what he thought was an oasis on the horizon.

Hoping to find water, he hurried on, but he only found a lone British
Soldier

selling regimental neck ties from the back of a vintage Bentley.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water sir, the well is dry. Would you
like to

buy a neck tie instead? They're only 5-pounds each."

"You idiot infidel!@ the Taliban shouted, I do not need an over-priced tie.

I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"No problem sir," said the soldier,
"It doesn't matter if you hate me.

If you continue over that hill for about two miles, you'll find the
Sergeant's Mess.

It has all the ice cold water you need.. "

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away and over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped

..... "Curse all of you! They won't let me in without a f....ing
tie........!"

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From: Whizzbang

Subject:  Why Men are Happier People.......

Thought I needed to share this. Almost makes one wish one was a
man.........

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack...

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one

is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you,

He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

On December 24 in 25 minutes.

___________________________________

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,

Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out,
they will affectionately

refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wild man.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even

though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and

none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving

cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man

would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,

answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist

appointments and romances, best friends,
favorite foods, secret fears and

hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people

remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and can handle it ....

and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

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From: Whizzbang

Subject: The value of a pencil.

The value of a Catholic education and a pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in
Catholic School .

Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind
her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our
Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and
Susie fell back asleep..

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did
Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time
Susie jumped up and shouted,

'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted !

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Time: 20160424174352

From: Whizzbang

Subject:  I want 4 little animals...

Mama taught her well!

You've got to love this little girl.

What a  woman she'll make.

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said,

"All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always
says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage,

a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it.

The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.

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From: Whizzbang

Subject: Geriatric traffic jam WORTH WATCHING

THE FUTURE FOR ALL OF US

Geriatric Traffic Jam

This is hilarious, timely and also accurate

Kudos to the geriatric bunch who pulled this off so seamlessly.

It had everyone in stitches except those caught up in their well performed
prank.
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang

Subject: build a bridge
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang

Subject: Pickering Hits the Mark Again!

   Too late to worry now.  And the penalty for “Treason” is..?.

   from Larry Pickering..

   When our feminists ignore the genital mutilation, oppression of women,
rape of little children of both s*xes, we have a problem.

   When our Politicians condemn an elected member of the Dutch Parliament
for coming to Australia to speak his views,
we have a problem.

   When Australians are callously murdered in cold blood by immigrants of
any Nationality, Religion or Race and our
Government offers sympathy to the family of the perpetrator of the crime
before offering sympathy to the family of the victim then we have a
problem.

   When Australians are living below the poverty line and have nowhere to
live while immigrants of any Nationality,
Religion or Race are prioritised, then we have a problem.

   When 16.000 English speaking skilled professional workers are refused
visas and 12,000 uneducated, non
English speaking refugees are accepted, then, guess what, we have a
problem.

   When Australians are called racists and bigots for speaking out about
their concerns about the above, then, again,
we, as a Nation have a problem.

   When people prefer to debate the best bachelor or best contestant on X
Factor to debating our Nation's future, our children's future and our
grandchildren's future“ well, you got it,
we have a problem.

   When our news is censored and we have to delve in to the internet to
find out what is happening in the world and in our own country, dare I say,
we have a problem.

   The one thing that sets Australia apart from almost any other Nation on
Earth is the Aussie spirit. It can be seen as a she'll be right mate
attitude that suggests apathy; or she'll be right mate because we will take
care of it.

   I went and saw Bridge of Lies yesterday and it is well worth the watch.

   The Berlin Wall was put up to separate two different Political views. It
was a physical wall. Today, we have a wall being built in Australia. It is
not made of bricks and mortar.
It is made of censorship, Political Correctness and insidious manipulation
through media control, Acts of Parliament and Social media trolls. There is
no razor wire, no watch towers. Just the ability to call someone a racist.

   I am reminded of the words in the old childhood saying: Sticks and
Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Well, today,
apparently words can hurt you, but only if you live on the side of the wall
that our Government and
Politicians have elected as the “right” side of the wall.

   No longer are people in Australia even able to scale a wall. Bullets are
not needed. To shoot us down, all that is needed is to call us racists or
bigots.

   I am hoping that the Aussie “She'll be right mate” translates to
“don't worry, we will take care of it” and rise up and say that this is
our country.

   Many of us came from convict backgrounds, sent in to exile for stealing
a coat or a loaf of bread or a silver spoon.

   Some came for murder and robbery or prostitution. Tough people.

   Many came from China to work on the Gold
Fields.

   Some came from Italy to work on the Snowy
Mountain scheme.

   Some came from Hungary during the Revolution.

   Some came from Vietnam during the Vietnam War.

   But they came for a chance to work and start a new life. And they worked
hard.

   The Greeks, Serbs, and Irish, so many more that it would be impossible
to name.

   There were no hand outs, no privileges offered.

   These people were given a chance to start a new life, in Australia, to
become Australians.

   And Australians they became.

   They learned English and embraced our country while offering the gift of
their food and culture and music.

   We accepted that gift and sat together at the same table and laughed and
drank their wine, ate their food, danced to their music and married and
loved their people. As they did us.

   I have spoken with friends from Hungarian,
Italian etc backgrounds and while they embrace and celebrate their roots,
they consider themselves Australian.

   The common denominator with this terrible situation that we find
ourselves in is that our current immigrant population do not want to
embrace our culture but to destroy it.

   They do not want to learn our language, but to annihilate it.

   They do not want to work but to get us to work for them.

   Friends, this is not a Refugee crisis. This is an Australia Crisis. I
fear that it will be too late if something does not happen while we still
have enough Aussies left.

   - Larry Pickering

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From: Whizzbang

Subject: Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

A single  question was asked:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the 
food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was  a complete failure because:

In  Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what
"shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what  "food” meant

In China they didn't know what "opinion"
  meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what
"solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please"
  meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia, New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they
heard the Indian accent.

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From: Whizzbang

Subject: the future
 Click here

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From: Billy Bunter of Adelaide

Subject: Labor the Future...... (Stay tuned – This'll be  interesting - ED)

Dear Gussius

In order to bring balance to FH can you include the following in next weeks
edition please or do you only print your anti Liberal comments ?

and what's changed with the labor party that screwed us for 6 years and
spent so much cash our kids have an uncertain future ? NOTHING..
Wong..Conroy..Plibersek.. Cameron..Albernese and don't forget the SNAKE who
stabbed 2 prime ministers for his own gain...Bill Short On Brains...
 Click here
 Click here

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From: Havarum

Subject: Two sentences tell it all... this should be on every facebook in
the world.

Two sentences tell it all

These two short sentences tell you a lot about our governments and our
culture:-

1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few
lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners and bikers by the
actions of a few lunatics.

Funny how that works.

And here's another one worth considering.

2. Seems we constantly hear about how the
Australian Old Age Pension Plan could run out of money.

How come we never hear about welfare and illegal immigration support
running out of money? What's interesting is that the first group "worked
for" their money, but the second group didn't.

Think about it - AND SEND IT ON.

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From: Haz

Subject: Why
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Why do some supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at
the front?

Why  do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a  diet coke?

Why  do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens  to the
counters?

Why  do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our  driveways and put
our useless junk in the  garage?

EVER  WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but  darkens our skin?

Why  can't women put on mascara with their mouth
  closed?

Why  don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic
Wins  Lottery'?

Why  is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why  is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do  'practice'?

Why  is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish  washing
liquid made with real lemons?

Why  is the man who invests all your money called a  broker?

Why  is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush  hour?

Why  isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why  didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why  do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You  know that indestructible black box that is used on  airplanes?  Why
don't  they make the whole  plane out of that stuff??

Why  don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why  are they called apartments when they are all stuck  together?

If  flying is so safe,   why  do they call the airport the terminal?

Now  that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to  spread the
stupidity and send this to someone you want  to bring a smile to (maybe
even a chuckle)... in other  words, send it to everyone.  We all need to
smile  every once in a while.

OH you didn't smile - well how about this one:

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From: Sack
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier

Subject: A husband who listens
 Click here

He said:   "What can I help you with?"

She said:   "Take this bag of potatoes,
peel half of them, and put them in the pot.''

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From: Seasoldier

Subject: Air Show

The helicopter shots are unreal. The authorities would

never allow an air show like this in the UK or the

United States or Australia.

Great views of a beautiful city
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier

Subject: A Great Dog Story
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier

Subject: LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
 Click here

An atheist who was seated next to a little girl on an airplane turned

to her and said, "Do you want to talk?
Flights go so much quicker

when you strike  up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book replied to the total

stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist.
"How about why there is no God,

or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?"
and then smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask

a question of you first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same

stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns  out

a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,

thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which

the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss

God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know sh*t?"

And back she went to reading her book!

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From: Seasoldier

Subject: Finishing
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier

Subject: CONDOM LIVING

The guy who thought of this is brilliant - a picture paints a thousand
words ?

The New Government Symbol

THE GOVERNMENT'S NEW SYMBOL IS THAT OF A CONDOM,

because it  more accurately reflects the government's political stance....

A condom allows for inflation,

halts production,

destroys the next generation,

protects a bunch of d*cks,

and gives you a sense of security

while you're actually being screwed !

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that !

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From: Wally

Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

30 Bizarre Things found on Beach
 Click here

For Taylor Swift Fans
 Click here

The Magnificent Seven (Trailer)
 Click here

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From: Wally

Subject: 17 X Facts
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally

Subject: Rubber Gloves
 Click here

Rubber Gloves (Interesting)
 Click here

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From: Wally

Subject: Dental Hygiene Hoodlum
 Click here

Another case of a  serial thief, with  a strangely specific focus. Police
in

Columbus,  Ohio  are  on  the  lookout  for
Sean  Patrick  Burk, who is

suspected  of  multiple  thefts  of boxes of
Crest White Strips. And only

Crest White Strips. They're calling him the
Dental Hygiene Hoodlum.

Says  the  City Attorney, "Serial thieves generally target certain items,

but  it is  unusual for  us  to see  such brand loyalty, where an offender

only  steals  large  quantities of a single product, over and over again."

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From: Whizzbang

Subject:  Loopfiets
 Click here

cant understand a word but what a great idea

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From: Whizzbang

Subject: Cores e remansos do rio Douro
 Click here

Very attractive country!

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From: Whizzbang

Subject: For my fellow seniors - I am a Seenager (Senior Teenager)

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager,
only 60 years later.

I don't have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance every month.

I have my own pad.

I don't have a curfew.

I have a driver's license and my own car.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant, they
aren’t scared of anything, they have been blessed to live this long, why
be scared.

And I don't have acne.

Life is Good! Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this,
if you are a Seenager.

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not
decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts
because they have more information in their brains.  Scientists believe
this also makes you hard of hearing as it puts pressure on your inner ear.

Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do
humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive
decline.  The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael
Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time.  The
brains of older people do not get weak.
On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they
get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.  It is NOT a
memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember
their names.  So, please forward this to your friends; they may be my
friends, too.

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From: Whizzbang

Subject: Moving a block of stone off a truck
 Click here

Some of these guys are probably being brought into Australia under the "
skilled trades " visas.

They can show our workers how their skills are applied in the Middle East.

I am sure they will be an asset to our country's labour pool.

Moving a block of stone off a truck

Yep, that  should do it !

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From: Whizzbang

Subject: GREAT AUSSIE DUNNY

AUTHOR UNKNOWN  - HE'S PROBABLY ASLEEP IN THE
DUNNY

What a bloody rippa!

They were funny looking buildings, that were once a way of life,

If you couldn't sprint the distance, then you really were in strife.

They were nailed, they were wired, but were mostly falling down,

There was one in every back yard, outside every house, in every town.

They were given many names, some were even funny,

But to most of us, we knew them as the outhouse,
or the dunny.

I've seen some of them all gussied up, with painted doors and all,

But it really made no difference, they were just a port of call.

Now my old man would take a bet, he'd lay an even pound,

That you wouldn't make the dunny with them turkeys hangin' round.

They had so many uses, these buildings out the back,"

You could even hide from mother, so you wouldn't get the strap.

That's why we had good cricketers, never mind the bumps,

We used the pathway for the wicket and the dunny door for stumps.

Now my old man would sit for hours, the smell would rot your socks,

He read the daily back to front in that good old thunderbox.

And if by chance that nature called sometime through the night,

You always sent the dog in first, for there was no flamin' light.

And the dunny seemed to be the place where crawlies liked to hide,

But never ever showed themselves until you sat inside.

There was no such thing as Sorbent, no tissues there at all,

Just squares of well-read newspaper, a hangin' on a nail on the dunny wall.

If you had some friendly neighbours, as neighbours sometimes are,

you could sit and chat to them, if you left the door ajar.

When suddenly you got the urge, and down the track you fled,

then of course the bloody magpies were there to peck you on your head.

Then the time there was a wet, the rain it never stopped,

   if you had an urgent call, you ran between the drops.

The dunny man came once a week, to these buildings out the back,

and he would leave an extra can, if you left for him a Zac.

For those of you who've no idea what I mean by a
Zac,

Then you're too young to have ever had, a dunny out the back.

GOOD ON YER MATE

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Quote of the Week:

“Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right
things.”

- Peter Drucker

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[ End friday humour ]

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