Friday humour - April 22, 2016

Gussius @ Bluehaze

A while back, Captain Jack the well known Caribbean pirate, did what
pirates have always done. He landed in a strange land with his pet dogs. In
this strange land was a really, really strange man called Barnyard Joyce,
who happened to be a special feral minister with the emphasis on him being
special with special needs.

"It's time that Pistol and Boo buggered off back to the United States." on
their Hoverboards said Barnyard, "and if you don't, we have to euthanase
them." However Barnyard's own department said any animal that was imported
without meeting Australia's import conditions would be ordered into
quarantine and would either be exported or destroyed. This is the same law
that protected Australia from rabbits, cane toads and mosquitos that carry
the Zika virus.

Captain Jack and his better half confessed to a clerical oversight on a
viral video.That video seemed to take the p*ss out of an unnamed small
pr*ck with long ears that resembled a cane toad. Fortunately the judge had
a better sense of fairness and justice and imposed a short good behaviour
bond instead of the death penalty that was suggested by our Barnaby,
international laughing stock and cane toad impersonator.

Meanwhile 2016 as you will recall  is scheduled to be when Australian
internet users leave the Bronze Age and a copper network behind and go
fibre to the whatever (FTTW). Remember the former PM's speech “I want our
NBN rolled out within three years and Malcolm Turnbull is the right person
to make this happen.” - A letter to Australians, 7 September, 2013. That
will be any day now for a taste of Faster, Cheaper & Cr*ppier broken
promises and download speeds that will keep buffering your video streaming.

Contributions this week are from Anonymous3, Arfermo, Billy Bunter of
Adelaide, Burnout ,Clooney's Twin,  Sack, Seasoldier, Valerie ,Wally,
Whizzbang and anon.

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Honour Flights:

WWII vets

This short video is impactive, moving, and very impressive. Here is one
Hollywood actor that is a good guy. These unequalled heroes are about to
leave this planet. We must not forget what they bequeathed to us! You have
to be 17 to enlist in the military. While it is well known that people
younger than 17 served in WWII (& other wars) I am going to use 17 as a
base. The war ended in 1945 & this is 2015. That means the YOUNGEST
surviving WWII veteran is 87. Keep that in mind when you watch the video.
Quite a few (in my opinion) do not look their age. Something I’m sure
you’ll enjoy.
 Click here

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Council bureaucrat problem:

Parking fine no prob!!
 Click here

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Thought for the day:

Just Think - If Trump wins the election it'll be the first time in history
that a billionaire moved into public housing vacated by a black family!

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Dumb kid:

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, - Which do you want, son?

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

What did I tell you? said the barber. That kid never learns!

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of
the ice cream store.

Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead
of the dollar bill?

The boy licked his cone and replied, Because the day I take the dollar, the
game is over!

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Email message to Bill:

Hi Bill,
This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make
to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been
trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least
now telling in text as I canât live with myself a moment longer without
you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night,
when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I havenât been
getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation
was just too much... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you
will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't
happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.

THE REACTION:

Bill, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor
dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down
on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message
from his neighbor.

THE SECOND MESSAGE:

Hi Bill, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my
last text. I know you'll have figured it out anyway, but Iâm sure you
noticed that my darned spell-check auto correct changed âWiFiâ To
âWifeâ. Technology hey?!?
Hope you saw the funny side of that.

Regards, Alan.

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Word warp:

A website "humorously illustrating the divergence in meaning between two
words spelled the same way but belonging to two different languages -for
example, mist in English becomes "manure" in German, an ape becomes a "bee"
in Italian, pain becomes "bread" in French, etc."
 Click here

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Dear IRS:
 Click here

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The Ultimate Wood Workers:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Venus Whisky (XXX):
 Click here

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Sad, truly sad....:
 Click here

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Limit religion to older and smarter people:
 Click here

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You gotta be in it to win it:
 Click here

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I rest my case:

This is the way the dunny paper should be.
 Click here

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Three musketeers:
 Click here

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Female Medical Examination:
 Click here

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Thought for the day.:
 Click here

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Discovery:
 Click here

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Mind Blowing Facts:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Influenza:
 Click here

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Good to know:
 Click here

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First Sign of Spring: xx
 Click here

Do not despair. I saw the first signs of spring this morning.........

Open toed shoes, you can't go wrong with that sign!

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Are you Kathlic?:
 Click here

THREE LITTLE BOYS

were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them
 Click here

They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to
Sunday school
 Click here

So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.
 Click here

One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out
and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"

Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their
little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.
 Click here

Then he said, "You are now baptized!"

When they got outside, one of them asked, "'What religion do you think we
are?"
 Click here

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on
you."

"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."

"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'

"I think it means we're P*sskopailians!"
 Click here

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Lewinsky Fails To Endorse Clinton:

Monica Lewinsky released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run
for President:

"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a
bad taste in my mouth. As we get closer to November of this election year,
citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create
American jobs. The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to
me. And I simply blew it".

Monica

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Am I getting old?: [XXX]

A girl I met recently sent me this picture and asked me, " What do you
think?"
 Click here

I told her I thought she should tidy up her bedroom.

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Chanel News:
 Click here Click here Click here

Chanel recently launched an advertising campaign, featuring the handwritten
phrase "I love Coco." Or does it say, "I love Cow"? It can be read either
way. One of those situations where you wonder if the ad company just didn't
see it, or did see it, and kept it that way purposefully, to make the
campaign more viral.

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Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Panda Cubs
 Click here

Photo Time Machine
 Click here

Fly Geyser Nevada
 Click here 


10 Amazing Houses
 Click here

Un-Peeling a Zucchini
 Click here

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Any Collectors out There?:
 Click here

Mini Museum
 Click here

The Second Edition of the Mini Museum measures approximately 4" wide x 5"
tall x 1" thick, and contains 26 different specimens:

a.. ASTEROID BELT (c. 4,500,000,000 years old)
b.. MARTIAN ATMOSPHERE (Zagami)
c.. LIBYAN DESERT GLASS (c. 28,500,000 years old)
d.. MT. FUJI (Lava)
e.. JAPANESE STAR SAND (Microfossils)
f.. DIMETRODON (Spine Sail)
g.. AMMONITE (c. 110,000,000 years old)
h.. STEGOSAURUS (Plate)
i.. DINOSAUR SKIN
j.. RAW EMERALD (Colombia)
k.. HELL PIG (Jaw)
l.. LA BREA TAR PIT
m.. MAMMOTH MEAT (19,551 years old)
n.. NEANDERTHAL HAND AXE
o.. OASISAMERICA (Ancient Ceramics)
p.. BRONZE AGE DAGGER (12th Century BC)
q.. MEDIEVAL CHAIN MAIL (15th Century)
r.. SHIPWRECKED PIECES OF EIGHT
s.. PETRIFIED LIGHTNING (Fulgurite)
t.. HINDENBURG (Skin)
u.. GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE
v.. OLYMPIC TORCH
w.. ASTRONAUT MIX TAPE (Skylab, 1973)
x.. FIRST SUPER COMPUTER (Cray-1)
y.. STAR WARS IV (Krayt Dragon)
z.. MOON TREE (Apollo 14)
Each Mini Museum is handcrafted, and carefully encased in acrylic, and
ready to inspire you.. It also makes a beautiful gift, for the person that
has everything. Price $299.

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Irish Virginity Test Kit:
 Click here

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The will:
 Click here

I was sitting at the computer the other day, drafting my will, and I called
out to my wife,

"WHEN I DIE, I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, MY LOVE!"

She shouted back,

"YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD!"

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[ End friday humour ]

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