Friday humour - April 15, 2016

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Hopefully, Trump has been Euchred.

Enjoy!

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When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white
professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always
displayed prejudice and animosity towards him.

Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him , as he
expected.... there were always "arguments" and confrontations.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University,
and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The
professor said, "Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not
sit together to eat."

Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied,
"You do not worry professor. I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another
table.

Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test
paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Mr. Peters,
unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. "Mr Gandhi, if
you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag
of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?"

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, “The one with the money, of
course."

Mr. Peters , smiling sarcastically said, "I, in your place, would have
taken the wisdom, don't you think?"

Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, “Each one takes what he
doesn't have."

Mr. Peters, by this time was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he
wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "idiot" and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi
took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain
calm while he contemplated his next move.

A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him
in a dignified polite tone, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did
not give me the grade."

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The Confession

Herb  decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy felt
she had to confess to her man that she suffered from a condition that left
her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

Herb said that it was okay because he loved her so much. However, Herb felt
this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a
deformity, too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and  said, "I too have a problem. My winky is
the same size as a newborn and I  hope you can deal with that once we are 
married."

She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your newborn size
winky."

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb
whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing,
and holding one another.

As  Sandy put her hands in  Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out
of the room. Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, "You  told me your winky was the size of a newborn infant!"

"Yes, it is. 7  pounds, 8 ounces, and 19 inches long."

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*Nude Runner*

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One
rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard
her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's
home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's
got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as
best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been
watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes
with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always
wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope ... just when it's raining.'

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Miscellaneous Thoughts:

My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 kilograms, only 15 to go.

How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live
longer than men who mention it.

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Eye Test For Food Inspectors
 Click here

The School of Psychology, Harvard University, conducted a survey called
"What really do you see?"

People were asked to focus their attention on a simple picture and then
asked if they had noticed anything odd.

Now you have the chance to take part in this survey.

Study the picture for about a minute; then identify what you see that is
HORRENDOUS.

Results of the Survey:
1. 100% of males failed this test. They were distracted by the bosom.
2. 100% of the females also failed this test. They were distracted by the
wide choice of doughnuts

The real answer:
There's a mouse on one of the doughnuts!

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Blood Pressure Testing for Seniors. [XXX]
 Click here

Medical  Researchers have finally found a more accurate way to measure the
blood pressure of men older than 60.

This is exciting news.  A lot of lives will be saved.

My doctor's nurse takes my BP like this all the time.

My blood pressure is normal .... 520 over 480.

That's OK, isn't it ???

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An incredible encounter.
 Click here
Pics of this have been around fro years but here is an extended series
which you might enjoy

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White House - 1992 -2016
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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The burning question:
How long should one live???????

The answer:
Live long enough to be a REAL concern to your family
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Because you appreciate irony ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Mexican Toilet Paper...
 Click here

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Senior Residence Complex

On the first day at the new senior complex, the manager addressed all the
new seniors pointing out some of the rules:

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the
male dormitory to the females.  Anybody caught breaking this rule will be
fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be
fined $60.  Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.  Are
there any questions?"

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired:  "How
much for a season pass?"

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Thoughts
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Um .....
 Click here

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Mass Deportation

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the
Immigration Department will start deporting senior citizens (instead of
illegals) in order to lower pensions and healthcare costs (flu jabs,
walkers, wheelchairs, free prescriptions, bus passes, etc.)

The Government has established that older people are easier to catch and,
in most cases, will not remember how to get back home.

I started to cry when I thought of you - maybe I'd never see you again . .
. . .

Then it dawned on me . . .

I'll see you on the bus!

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Getaway
 Click here

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Old Mercedes Ad
 Click here

Britain's Got Talent (Alex Magala)  Click here

World Photos (Brilliant)
 Click here

Little Big Shots (11yo Twins Max & Kolbe)  Click here

Wrapped (Short 5 minute Film)
 Click here

Spintop Snipers (Amazing)
 Click here

Flamethrower (In SloMo)
 Click here

The BFG (Latest Disney Movie Trailer)  Click here

Silent Partner (No More Snoring)  Click here

Near Misses (Lot here I have not seen)  Click here

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Rare Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Words of Wisdom about Guns
 Click here Click here

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Mooning the Amtrak
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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