Friday humour - April 08, 2016

HI
Hope you enjoy this week’s contributions . Special thanks to Anonymous 3,
Duke of Barsonov, Arfermo, Sack, Seasoldier, Wally, Whizzbang

Haz

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Fill 'er up with Regular!!
Try and find a station that will pump gas for you these days!!!!!!!!

OLD GAS STATIONSAND OLD CARS!

Registered restrooms, free hot dogs and drinks, and uniformed service
station attendants!! What planet was this??

So who do you register your restrooms with?

Check out the fellows In South Chicago filling up with ten percent
gasohol...ahead of their time or what?

This will take you back!
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

BORED KID AT COSTCO

A kid got bored while his parents shopped in Costco until he found this
piano.

Just imagine how much more he could have done if he'd only had a piano
stool to sit upon.
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Personal miscellaneous thoughts

My goal for 2015 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big,
round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese.
FINE, it was a pizza.I ate a pizza.

How to prepare Tofu:
1.Throw it in the trash.
2.Grill some Meat.

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20
minutes.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live
longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to
walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they
closed school?
Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or
talented....I forgot where I was going with this.

I love being over 50.I learn something new every day.......and forget 5
others.

A thief broke into my house last night......He started searching for money
so I woke up and searched with him.

My dentist told me I need a crown.I was like
I KNOW !, Right?

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it
a day.

PS: Sunday, October 7, 2016 ends Daylight Savings Time.Don't forget to set
your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Sat*rday night.

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

: When This Boat Crew Realized What They Were Seeing, they anchored!

This would have been some scary stuff! When This Boat Crew Realized What
They Were Seeing, It Was Almost Too Late To Escape.

We dont really think about it on a daily basis, but the Earth is still
changing all the time. It just happens so slowly that we cant really
perceive it. But every now and then, things speed up a lot.
  target=_blank>Click here

Recently, the crew of the Maiken was enjoying a leisurely sail through the
South Pacific when they spotted a strange discoloration on the water. They
moved in closer to inspect it, but by the time they realized what it was,
it was too late.

The crew of the Maiken was sailing the South Pacific when they spotted an
unusual shadow.
 Click here

As they got closer, what they had taken to be a sandbar revealed itself to
be something else entirely.
 Click here

A hugea mount of pumice stone was floating to the surface of the water. It
looked like a beach.
 Click here

They decided to get a closer look and redirected their yacht towards it.
 Click here

It looks like a beach in the middle of the ocean!
 Click here

The crew decided to sail through it, leaving a break in the stone behind
them as they went.
 Click here

They wondered what could have caused this expanse of stone to suddenly
appear.
 Click here

The field of pumice was getting even larger as they passed through it. The
crew had an uneasy feeling and upped their speed.
 Click here

Once they were a safe distance away, they heard a faint rumbling. Looking
back they saw water bubbling from the surface.
 Click here

The source of the pumice stone was an underwater volcano that was actually
erupting at the time!
 Click here

They anchored to watch this tremendous event. Massive plumes of smoke
filled the sky.
 Click here

As the smoke cleared, they noticed something strange just at the waters
surface
 Click here

It was land!
 Click here

The stunned crew couldn’t believe what they were seeing: It was the
actual birth of a new island.
 Click here
3.bp.blogspot.com/-u0ArnRY6W0I/VtFOWZsfqLI/AAAAAAAABSs/pPSzgyf1Tfw/s1600/14.jpg

They sailed a little bit closer to see if their eyes were playing tricks on
them.
 Click here

But it was real. The peaks of this new land mass were already taking form.
 Click here

It was one of the rarest events imaginable.
 Click here

They were so lucky! Not only because they were able to witness such an
impossible sight but also because they apparently very narrowly escaped
with their lives!._,___

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Only Ozzy Bruce Committee
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Recession

Bloody hell..Our stocks have crashed, we get 2% on any fixed deposits, our
Superannuation is stuffed.. Turnbull and Morrison are running round looking
up their ar*es for things to tax/save for the upcoming budget .Woe, woe,
This recession is hitting everybody really hard. Things couldn’t be much
worse:

Wives are having s*x with their husbands because they can't afford
batteries.
CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies
while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them
and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Toorak fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they
re-possessed her!
A truckload of Germans was caught sneaking intoSyria
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my
savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide
Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was
suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Bird-brained prank
 Click here

Two Welsh tourists landed themselves in court in 2012 after they got drunk
and stole a penguin called Dirk from Sea World in Australia.

Rhys Owen Jones, 21, and Keri Mules, 20, from south Wales, broke into the
park on Queensland's Gold Coast, swam with the dolphins and let off a fire
extinguisher in the shark enclosure, before making off with poor Dirk.

When they woke up - hung-over and with the flightless bird in their
apartment - they tried "their incompetent best" to care for him by feeding
him and putting him in the shower, the court heard.

They later released Dirk into a canal, but were spotted by locals who
called police. A magistrate fined them 1,000 Australian dollars (equivalent
to £637 at the time) each, and told them to drink "a little less vodka".

Dirk was rescued and returned to Sea World unharmed.

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

:
Here is an amusing video showing a couple of "clearly p*ssed" Irishmen
trying to move a settee downhill.
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Dave woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding
headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the
preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where hiswife put
some coffee in front of him.

"Marilyn," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I
think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ar*e
of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors
and you insulted the Chairman of the company, right to his face."

" He's an ar*ehole," Dave said. "I could p*ss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, f*ck him then" said Dave.
"I did", said Marilyn, "You're back at work on Monday

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

| WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST ?
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question,- 'When you die and go to Heaven... which part of
your body goes first?Suzy raised her hand and said,- 'I think it's your
hands.' Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied, -'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first.
What a wonderful answer! the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said'Sister, I think it's your feet.
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now Johnny, why
do you think it would be your feet?'
Little Johnny said,- 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,
'Oh God, I'm coming'.I gotta tell you, if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd
have lost her.
The Nun fainted.

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of our book club at the Men's
Shed.
One of our senior members, Ted Roberts who is himself an author lauded for
his timeless work "Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came up with an
interesting suggestion.
He said his wife thought that we should read a book called "Fifty Shades of
Grey" as we might learn something from it.
Someone thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house.
The chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes
relating to their experience of reading the book and its relevance to our
activities.At the follow-up meeting we had an enthusiastic full house where
the blokes recounted the literary impact of the novel.
Here are their experiences:
Bill Carruthers, 74
We tried various positions „ round the back, on the side, up against a
wall
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the
only place for a good shed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nick Enwright, 86

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
?I?m yours for the night,•? she gasped, •?You can do whatever you want
with me.•?
So I took her to Homebase.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ted Roberts, 79

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other
boot.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom Entwhistle, 73

Ever since she read THAT book, I•?ve had to buy all kinds of ropes,
chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jack Farthing, 78

Put on this rubber suit and mask,•? I instructed, calmly.
Mmm, kinky!•? she purred.
•?Yes,•? I said, •?You can•?t be too careful with all that asbestos
in the shed roof.•?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Hardcastle, 72

•?I•?m a very naughty girl,•? she said, biting her lip. •?I need to
be punished.•?
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Colin Horrocks, 65

Harder!•? she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. •?Harder!•?
?Okay,•? I said. •?What•?s the gross national product of
Nicaragua?•?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Malcolm Riddock, 75

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my
concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Allen Cardly, 74

Are you sure you can take the pain?•? she demanded, brandishing
stilettos.
I think so,•? I gulped.
Here we go, then,•? she said, and showed me the receipt.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humphrey Landsdowne, 56

Hurt me!• she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
Very well,•? I replied. •?Youve got a fat ar*e and no dress sense.•?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nicholas Benchley, 53

Are you sure you want this?•? I asked. •?When I•?m done, you wont be
able to sit down for weeks.•? She nodded.
Okay,•? I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Toby Williams, 60

Punish me!•? she cried. •?Make me suffer like only a real man can!•?
Very well,•? I replied, leaving the toilet seat up

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the
royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the
next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain
in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On
the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer
said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in
just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area". The
king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace
meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced
professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very
different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he
continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell
from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage
chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king
returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he
summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of
royal forecaster.The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything
about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my
donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So the
king hired the donkey And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to
work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential
positions. And the practice is unbroken to this day

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Gary the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built, with
the new lady owner.

She was telling him what colours to paint each room.

They went into the first room and she said, "This room is to be a light
blue."

The builder went to the front door and yelled out "Green side up"

As he went back she told him the next room was to be red.

The builder again went to the front door and called out "Green side up"

Once back with her, she said "This one will be tan."

And again he went to the front door and yelled "Green side up"

The lady, very curious, said"I keep telling you the different colours but
you always yell "Green side up".

"What do you say that for?"

"Oh, don't you worry about that," said the builder, "I've got a couple of
Kiwis laying turf out front."

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly marriage
seminars for husbands.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share
some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all
these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her
nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her back to
Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the
husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your
50th anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna' go pick her up."

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

13,000 Golfers go to ER each Year
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Driver calls BMW with complaint....just hear him out! Hilarious!This will
start your day the right way ... I love listening to the woman laugh at the
customer caller complaining about his BMW gear box? Listen carefully at the
start to hear this guy's complaint......... And concentrate on the photo of
the stick shift.
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 Paddy & Mick flew to Canada for an adventure.

 They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week
hunting moose.
 They managed to shoot 6. Loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the
plane could take only 4 moose.

 The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us
take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

 Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took
off.

 However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the
little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

 Miraculously, surrounded by moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the
crash.

 Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

 Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan.

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down
to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

 'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the
hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00,
and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to
buzz and whirl.

Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his
reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures,
$20.00'.

'Why not?' thought the salesman.

He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine
started to buzz and whirl.

Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly
manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men
Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his
fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and
almost passed out.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

WAIT FOR IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender
unit...which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a
field trip to Flemington Racecourse. When it was time to take the children
to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher
and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with
their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their
'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.
 As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his
equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?

 'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I
really appreciate your help.

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

I THINK THIS GUY HAS IT ALL COVERED. I COULDN'T SPOT ANYTHING HE LEFT OUT.

"I am the Labor Party's Worst Nightmare. I am a White, Conservative,
Tax-Paying, fearing Australian. I am a hard working Australian and I work
long hours to earn a living.

I believe in God and the freedom of religion, but I don't push it on
others. I drive Australian-made cars, and I believe in Australian products
and buy them whenever I can.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and not some bloody governmental
functionary, Labor/Greens or Liberal, that wants to share it with others
who don't work!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!

I think owning a home doesn't make you a capitalist; it makes you a smart
Australian. I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized,
and does not entitle you to anything. Get over it!

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac or any other item, you
should do it in English. I believe there should be no other language
option.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where
they want to.

My heroes are, fellow Australians like Don Bradman, Steve Waugh, Alan
Langer, Slim Dusty, Fred Hollows and the Aussie scientists who invented the
bionic ear ˆ missed a few I know.
I don't hate the rich, but hate the way they always find ways to pay less
taxes. I don't pity the poor, I hate the way they are always crying that
they are hard done by!!

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing
about it.

I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you
came from and change your own country!

This is AUSTRALIA....We like it the way it is and more so the way it
was...so stop trying to change it to look like some other socialist
country! If you were born or legally migrated here and don't like it... you
are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you. I believe it
is time to really clean house, starting with the Lodge, the seat of our
biggest problems.

I want to know exactly, where the "Do Gooder's" get their money from, and
why are they always part of the problem and not the solution?

Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking
the law, regardless of what race, color or creed you are, but not just
because you happen to be an illegal alien and scream that they are "RACISTS
PIGS". And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my driver's license. I
think it's good....

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me
stuff or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause....Get a
job and do your part to support yourself and your family!

I believe that it doesn't take all the intellectuals to raise a child, it
takes two parents.....

I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think!

I believe the Australian flag should be the only ones allowed to be flown
in Australia!

If this makes me a BAD Australian, then yes, I'm a BAD Australian. If you
are a BAD Australian too, please forward this to everyone you know....

We want our country back!
My Country.....
I hope this offends all illegal aliens.

My great, great, great grandfather watched as his friends died in the Boer
War. My grandfather watched and bled as his friends died in World Wars 1&2.
My grandfather watched as his friends & brothers died in the Depression of
32. My father watched as his friends died in Korea. I watched as my friends
died in Vietnam, East Timor & Desert Storm. Our son's and daughters watched
& bled as their friends died in Afghanistan and Iraq .

None of them died for the Afghanistan and Iraq Flag. Every Australian died
for the Australian flag.

At a Victorian high school foreign students raised a Middle East flag on a
school flag pole. Australian students took it down. Guess who was
expelled....the students who took it down.

West Australian high school students were sent home, because they wore
T-shirts with the Australian flag printed on them.

Enough is enough..

This message needs to be viewed by every Australian; and every Australian
needs to stand up for Australia. We've bent over to appease the
Aussie-haters long enough. I'm taking a stand.

I'm standing up because of the hundreds of thousands who died fighting in
wars for this country, and for the Australian flag.

And shame on anyone who tries to make this a racist message.

AUSTRALIANS, stop giving away Your RIGHTS !

THIS IS OUR COUNTRY !

This statement DOES NOT mean I'm against immigration !

YOU ARE WELCOME HERE, IN MY COUNTRY, welcome to come legally:

1. Get a sponsor!
2. Learn the LANGUAGE, as immigrants have in the past!
3. Live by OUR rules !Dress as we Australians Do
4. Get a job !
5. Pay YOUR Taxes !
6. No Social Security until you have earned it and Paid for it !
7. NOW find a place to lay your head !

If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone, then
YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

We've gone so far the other way....bent over backwards not to offend
anyone.

Only AUSTRALIANS seem to care when Australian Citizens are being offended!

WAKE UP AUSTRALIA ! !!

If you do not Pass this on, may your fingers cramp !

Made in AUSTRALIA & DAMN PROUD OF IT!!!!!"

AMEN

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 Click here Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Absolutely must view - Full screen!

Parachuting...
It is just stunning what this/these fellow/s can do with a parachute.
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

 There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--

 The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man
should be here soon.'

 Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,
Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?'

 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat !.

 After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor
is fun. You can really spread out there.'

 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!'

 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm
sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..

 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

 The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with.'

 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look'

 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..

 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

 Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'

 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away.'

 'Tripod?•?, she queried, nearly fainting.

 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand for long.'
 Mrs.Smith fainted

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Meet Ingo- a Belgian shepherd with a job
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Meet Ingo and Poldi ---an unusual pair

Tanja Brandt is a professional German photographer with years of
experience, has dedicated her career towards photographing animals and
wildlife.

In one of her most recent projects, Brandt shot photographs of a highly
unlikely pair of friends - Ingo, the Belgian shepherd; and Poldi
(Napoleon), the one-year-old owlet.

Poldi and Ingo are both pets of Brandt's, and have formed a bond over the
past year that the photographer simply couldn't ignore.

Ingo, the shepherd, is one of her most loyal and popular models.

"The dog is very well educated.

He is able to do every order by far.

Head down, head right, stay, sit, everything. but not so with the birds."

Brandt describes the relationship between Ingo and Poldi as somewhat of a
'protector-protected' relationship.

Ingo is a guardian for Poldi, whom Brandt states "doesn't know how to live
free

Poldi didn't hatch until two days after his six brothers and sisters, and
has always been very vulnerable due to its size.

Ingo, on the other hand, comes from a family of strong and oftentimes
ruthless police dogs.

Ingo is very protective over the year-old owlet, and their bond is as
strong off-camera as it appears in Tanja's photographs.

"They respect each other and they can read each other."

Ingo is often photographed with various birds (such as the Harris hawk) and
other animals, but he doesn't share a bond with anyone quite like he does
with Poldi.

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 Click here
:
As I Get Older, I Think Differently

After a long day on the golf course,  I stopped in at Hooter's to see some
friends and have some hot Wings and ice tea.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I
would like to be stuck in an elevator with.........

I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators".
I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot."

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Cardinal Pell Bus Lines Inc.
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

I need your assistance
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

The question is (see below)

Do you think the grass needs cutting or can I leave it for another day or
two ??

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Vintage Playboy cartoons........??
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Business is business
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Abstract Noun
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Magic Green Hat
 Click here

Living in Yuma, Arizona, I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT .

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and
left.I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
It cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the hat:

It also works at Dept. Of Motor Vehicles.
It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any
machine, most still running.

If you live in Texas, it might cut your wait time at the grocery store.

But...don't try it at McDonald's---

The whole crew ran out the back door and I never did get my order!

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

At the cemetery
 Click here

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family
members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's
headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Taipei Crash
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Black Dot
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Animals on a Golf Course
 Click here

Why are a plane•?s wing tips turned up?
 Click here

More Rare 1945 Photos
 Click here

Space Station 360•?
 Click here

Sea Trials ACTUV (Anti-Submarine Unmanned Vessel)
 Click here

Hornblower (Name & Nature)
 Click here

Killer Drone (Can•?t handle a balloon)
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

2015 in Pictures
 Click here Click here

Part 1 -
 Click here
Part 2 -
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Inside Google Tour
 Click here

Robot Takeover
 Click here

People are Awesome (Mar 2016)
 Click here

Alyona Pavlova (Aerialist)
 Click here

Dog Tag Brewing
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Sleeping with Sharks
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

How Many Tigers?
 Click here Click here

How Many Tigers?
 Click here

Click the link above, and start looking for Tigers. I only got 9 (wrong). I
will give you a clue, the answer is between 10-20. When you arrive at your
final answer, then click, and only then, click the photo, in the link, and
not the one below. That•?s only for show.

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

100 Greatest One-Liners - Before the Kill
 Click here Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

They Don•?t Make Them Like They Used To
 Click here Click here Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Grizzly Bear vs Toyota Sequoia
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Grizzly Bear vs Toyota Sequoia

 There are no scratches on the outside of this car, but the vehicle is
totalled.

 A man in Waterton Park, (south of Calgary, Alberta, Canada), came out to
find the inside of his 18 month old Toyota Sequoia trashed.

 A grizzly bear had somehow got a door open. Once inside it got trapped
when the door shut behind him, probably by the wind.

 The Toyota was the Platinum edition, all the door panels were ripped off,
the head-liner torn to pieces, all headrests, the leather seats, the dash
shredded. The steering column was twisted Sideways. Two of the six airbags
went off, the other four the bear ripped to pieces.

 You can imagine a trapped grizzly being hit with an airbag in an enclosed
space ! He must have figured he was in for the fight of his life, and by
the looks of this car,he won the fight.

 When the bear ripped off the door panels he also clawed all the wiring
harnesses out. Toyota figures every wire he pulled or clawed at resulted in
alarm bells, voices or sparks.

 The head mechanic at Calgary Toyota doubted if they had the expertise to
put this vehicle back together, even if they had enough parts to do it.
And, to add insult to injury, the bear took a big Dump in the back of the
SUV . . . and then broke out the rear window.

 Fish and wildlife officers have inspected the damage and figure it was a 3
year old Grizzly.

 The vehicle has been written off by the insurance company.
 The cost of this fully optioned vehicle new was over $70,000, and they
stopped counting the repair costs at $60,000 plus.

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Trouble
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A blind lady archer ...
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (April 01, 2016)  Index Next (April 15, 2016)