Friday humour - March 25, 2016

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

This week’s efforts are from Duke of Barsinov, Havarum, Sack, Seasoldier,
Valerie, Billy Bunter of Adelaide, Wally, Wizzbang & Me.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Points to ponder
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can
be in a robe...before you start looking like a mental patient.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social
situations.  I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and  I'm worried about
the 175 lbs I've gained since then.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.  Do they
just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

The speed with which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?"...is
inversely proportional to the severity of the cr*p storm that's coming.

Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' If you're
in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need...not
all this, "How did you get into my house" business!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today.  Pretty sure she's going
to get me something.

On average, an American man will have s*x two to three times a week.
Whereas, a Japanese man will have s*x only one or two times a year. This is
very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's
clothing line named, "Sag Harbor".

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of
tattoos.

What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their
noses?

Money can't buy happiness but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was
married...Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam,
Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara ... and, of course, Opie--all
single.  The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject:  Arnold the Sailor

Arnold, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the
docks in Dartmouth once more for old times sake and some hot s*x.

He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some
reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Arnold, ya old sailor, you're doing about
three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks.

'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your
money back.'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject:

TEST

Very quick quiz for you to take to practice name recognition.
Great mental exercise for us aging folks.
Quiz: Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1.  Monica Lewinski
2.  Bill Clinton
3.  Hilary Clinton
4.  Adolph Hitler
5.  Jorge Bergoglio
6.  Winnie Mandela
7.  Vladimir Putin
8.  Linda Lovelace
9.  Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods

SCROLL DOWN....

You had trouble with #5?
You know all the criminals, murderers, thieves, sl*ts and cheaters,
but you don't know the Pope??
Lovely, just lovely!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Political Correctness.

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to
as:

HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore,
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL AR*E' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
LOW COST PROVIDER.'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject Boom, Boom

A catholic priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way
of eating for free in restaurants. "I go in at well past 9.00 PM in the
evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar.
Come 2.00 AM, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting
there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say:
'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' Because I am a man of the
cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."
The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."
So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2.00 AM they are both
still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter
comes over and asks them to pay. The priest just says: "I've already paid
your colleague who has left."
And then the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Skydiver Meets His Maker

 Another wing suit skydiver meets his maker. It's unbelievable what these
guys will try.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Catholic Kids Paper Grading

A Nun Grading Papers

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS,
ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER
COMPOSURE!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE
EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING
25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.THEY HAVE NOT BEEN
RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1.   IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING
        THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS
          JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY,
           BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY
           THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A
        JEZEBEL LIKE  DELILAH

 6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

 7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD,
         WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

 8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT.
      AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN
COMMANDMENTS.

 9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

 10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

  11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED
            THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

 12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON
            TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

 13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR.
           HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL
TIMES.

 14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

 15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

 16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND
           JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

  17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

  18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

  19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS
            BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU.
            HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

 20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED
           TO GETTHE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

 21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

 22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

 23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

 24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY,
             WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

  25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Aren't Children great!!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Recently heard a sweet elderly lady saying a prayer:-

“Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me.

You have taken -- my favourite actor--- James Garner  
My favourite actress ---Lauren Bacall,
My favourite comedian --- Robin Williams,
My favourite singer --- Joe C*cker,

And finally, my favourite author, Tom Clancy.

I just wanted you to know, Lord, that my favourite Politicians are Tony
Blair, Jeremy Corbyn and that stupid bitch from Scotland.

Amen.”

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: The Pope's crossword puzzle....

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard
  that the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of
  the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself.
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his
carry-on bag and began pencilling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords.
It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, He'd ask me for
assistance."

Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said,
"Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that 
ends in 'unt'?  The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him
shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something
on the floor.

The man was in morbid shock. He couldn't breathe. He went within himself,
thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute,
the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in.

Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, with reverence and politeness, " l
believe, Your Holiness that you're looking for the word, 'aunt' "

"Of course!" the Pope declared, "Do you have an eraser?"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: jokes

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In
Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't
know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what
"shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the
Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they
didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the
rest of the world" meant.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate his food before it was cool.

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
Santa stops at three hos.

What do you call it when a hooker farts?
A prostitoot.

Did you hear about the man who was crushed by a pile of books?

He only has his shelf to blame.

Did you hear about the guys who stole all the Viagra from the pharmacy?

Police put out an alert for two hardened criminals.

Why was the Scottish man buried on the west side of the hill?

Because he was dead.

The secret to losing 50 pounds in a minute?

Buy everyone in the pub a drink.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Pussy Massage
Pussy Massage
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____

Subject: Christian countries

It has started .... Finally!

The first countries to ban Islam: See how the world is acting fast on the
threat posed by Islam and its barbaric Sharia Law.

Japan has always refused Muslims to live permanent in their country and
cannot own any real estate or any type of business, and have banned any
worship of Islam. Any Muslim tourist caught spreading the word of Islam
will be deported immediately, including all family members.

 Cuba rejects plans for first mosque.

The African nation of Angola and several other nations have officially
banned Islam.

Record number of Muslims, (over 2,000)  deported from Norway as a way of
fighting crime. Since these Muslim criminals have been deported, crime has
dropped by a staggering 72%. Prison Officials are reporting that nearly
half of their jail cells are now vacant, Courtrooms nearly empty, Police
now free to attend to other matters, mainly traffic offences to keep their
roads and highways safe and assisting the public in as many ways as they
can.

In Germany alone in the last year there were 81 violent attacks targeting
mosques.

Austrian police arrested 13 men targeting suspected jihad recruiters.

A Chinese court sends 22 Muslim Imams to jail  for 16 to 20 years for
spreading Islam hatred.   and have executed eighteen Jihadists; China
campaigns against Separatism (disallowing  islamists to have their own
separate state). Muslim prayers banned in government buildings and schools
in Xinjiang (Western China). Hundreds of Muslim families prepared to leave
China for their own safety and return back to their own Middle Eastern
countries.

Muslim refugees beginning to realize that they are not welcome in Christian
countries because of their violent ways and the continuing wars in Syria
and Iraq whipped up by the hideous IS who are murdering young children and
using mothers and daughters as s*x slaves.

British Home Secretary prepares to introduce 'Anti-social Behavior Order'
for extremists and strip dual nationals of their Citizenship.

Deportation laws also being prepared.

The Czech Republic blatantly refuses Islam in their country, regarding it
as evil.

 Alabama - A new controversial amendment that will ban the recognition of
"foreign laws which would include sharia law".

The Polish Defence League issues a warning to Muslims. 16 States Have All
Introduced  Legislation to Ban Shariah Law.

Many Muslims in Northern Ireland have announced plans to leave the Country
to avoid anti-Islamic violence by Irish locals. The announcement comes
after an attack on groups of Muslims in the city of Belfast, Groups of
Irish locals went berserk and bashed teenage Muslim gangs who were
referring to young Irish girls as sl*ts and should be all gang raped,
according to Islam and ''Sharia Law''.

Even hospital staff were reluctant to treat the battered Muslim patients,
the majority were given the Band-Aid treatment and sent home with staff
muttering ''Good Riddance''.

North Carolina bans Islamic "Sharia Law" in the State, regarding it now as
a criminal offence.

Dutch MP's call for removal of all mosques in the Netherlands. One Member
of the Dutch Parliament said: "We want to clean Netherlands of Islam".
 Dutch MP Machiel De Graaf spoke on behalf of the Party for Freedom when he
said, "All mosques in the Netherlands should be shut down. Without Islam,
the Netherlands would be a wonderful safe country to live in, as it was
before the arrival of Muslim refugees''.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Where have all the Woodies gone?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Memories...

Can you imagine the dollar value of these old cars?

These cars were auctioned in 2009 and sold for about $7 million.
The top seller: A 1946 Mercury Sportsman Convertible which brought in $368,500.
 Click here  


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject:Effective Suicide Counselling

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to
jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead
in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you
go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the
bottom then."

She didn't jump.........

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Scotsman weeping
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject:  Oh To Be Irish

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.  Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.  He replied in
disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my
lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a
choice!"

                   ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
 Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane!"

                  ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off.
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHT BULB! .. I'M A LIGHT BULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
 The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"  So he leaves the site. 
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

                  ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------

 Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
 She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says  "You know what I
want, don't you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole 'friggin' bed by the looks of it!"

                  ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. Prison service for not
servicing the electric chair.  He said in his professional opinion it was a
death trap!

                  ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath
beach was asked to identify her.  A detective held up the head to which
point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

                  ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

                  ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

                  ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo------------

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It appeared that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the
far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a
boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat . . .
And nearly drowned!  Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.  'Grandma,' he
asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my
father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,

"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all
born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya
dip sh*t.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Libraries of the World!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

  Melk Abbey

24 libraries of the world so magnificent they’ll take your breath away
The National Library of the Czech Republic, Prague, Czech Republic

Admont Abbey Library, Admont, Austria

Trinity College Library, Dublin, Ireland

The Royal Portuguese Library, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

George Peabody Library, Baltimore, USA

The St. Florian Monastery Library, Linz-Land District, Austria

The National Library of France, Paris, France

The National Library of the Netherlands, The Hague, Netherlands

Austrian National Library, Vienna, Austria

The Joanina Library, Coimbra, Portugal

Stuttgart Municipal Library, Stuttgart, Germany

University of Iowa Law Library, Des Moines, USA

Science Library, Görlitz, Germany

The Beinecke Rare Book & Manuscript Library, New Haven, USA

French Senate Library, Paris, France

The New York Public Library, New York, USA

Walker Library, Minneapolis, USA

Vennesla Library, Vennesla, Norway

Mazarine Library, Paris, France

Library of St. John’s College, Cambridge, Britain

The Library of Congress, Washington, USA

Library of the Technical University, Iassi, Romania

Library of Sárospatak Reformed College, Sárospatak, Hungary

The National Library of China, Beijing

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject:  Trump Towers Chicago
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject:  Hornby trains
 Click here Click here

Q: What do Hornby  trains....and breasts....have in common?

A: They were both originally made for kids, but dads end up playing with
them!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Ronald Regan's Last Words...

Archived from the memorial service for Ronald Reagan at the National
Cathedral,
and one would have noticed that Bill and Hillary were both dozing off.

It is said that President Ronald Reagan, who never missed a chance for a
good one-liner,
raised his head out of his casket and said...

"I see the Clintons are finally sleeping together."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject:   Oops!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject:  Trump and immigration
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Geography Lesson of the Day
 Click here

I know that we are getting older and have short attention spans, so this
lesson will be kept short and sweet ...

Geography Lesson of the Day

That concludes our Geography Lesson of the Day!

Thank you. Take a nap and try not to hurt yourself. Please pass on this
valuable information ...

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: What Were They Thinking Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Someone Cares
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here

Breakthrough (You don’t see this very often – I guess the rifle must be
for Polar Bears)
 Click here

Bananas
 Click here

The Angry Seas
 Click here

Photos of Kate Middleton
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: New Museum to open on Good Friday

THE Isle of Wight Zoo has revealed plans for a new attraction that is not
to be sniffed at — the National Poo Museum, of Britain .

The Sandown-based zoo announced today that it would be opening the new
museum on Good Friday.

Promising it was not an early April Fool's Day prank, a spokeswoman said:
"It's stinky, unpleasant and sometimes dangerous stuff — but it’s all
around us and inside us too — and perhaps surprisingly our planet would
be a much poorer place without it!

"The National Poo Museum is set to be the place to immerse oneself in the
wonder of excrement while finding out lots of extraordinary nuggets of
information about all things poo-y, kids will love it!"

The project has been developed in conjunction with Isle of Wight
landscapers and artists Ecclestone George, who have previously helped to
create some of the big cat enclosures at the zoo.

Visitors will be treated to exhibits including everything from the
hedgehog-like Lesser Madagascan Tenrec, to lions, and even a 38 million
year old poo.

The freeze-dried displays will be hung from the ceiling.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Funny Sports Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Cl*taurus
 Click here Click here

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for
women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the
'Cl*taurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able
to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is,
and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and
can be a real bitch to start in the morning. Some have reported that on
cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn
over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and
horribly expensive to get rid of.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it
is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Slow Motion
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Subject: Walk With Me While I Age - Very Special

I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me - then my
forwarding it will be worth the effort. Walk with me by the water - worth
the read...

A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER:

I forgot the words.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Quote of the Week:

“Me, We.”

(Believed to be one of the world’s shortest poems).

-        Mohamed Ali.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (March 18, 2016)  Index Next (April 01, 2016)