Friday humour - March 11, 2016

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

It's been a bad year for icons of the music world, including Jon English 
only yesterday, but this week one of the great shining stars of the modern 
era passed. Sir George Martin had a huge impact on the top end of the Rock 
and Roll popular music of the 20th Century. Arguably, without him great 
music from the Beatles would not have happened as it did. And dozens of 
other groups and individual artists down  the years benefitted hugely from 
his prodigious talent and ingenious technology. Ageing Boomers (like me) 
owe him a great deal.

On a lighter note, this week's collection appears courtesy of Duke of
Barsinov, Havarum, Haz, KRP, Sack, Seasoldier, Wally, Whizzbang and the
ever present anonymi. Enjoy!

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Australian parrots
Hand feeding wild Australian parrots...
 Click here

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Fun braking reaction test...
 Click here

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True NHS story

Reported in 'The Guardian'recently;A woman in her sixties had recovered
from a serious operation and now the time had come for her to go home. The
surgeon visited her to discuss does and don'ts once she was home. He
asked if she had had a booklet of advice. She had. Had she read it? She
had. Any questions? Just one -"It says that after six weeks, I can drive
a car, if I'm careful"The surgeon agreed that this was so.She replied,"
Isn't the NHS wonderful; I've never driven a car in my life!"God bless
older people (and the NHS).Don

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Gods Plan for ageing

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that
seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses,
keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw
that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose
coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach &
stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have
additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus
providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's
God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under
your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is s*xually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them
apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use
the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital,
dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a
burning issue tomorrow.

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THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker
function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN:  "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Babe, it's me.  Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only £2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN:  "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN:  "I also stopped by the Mercedes Dealers and saw the latest models.
I saw one I really liked."

MAN:  "How much?"

WOMAN: "£70,000."

MAN:  "OK, but for that price I want it with all the bells and whistles.
Leather seats etc ."

WOMAN:  "Great! Oh, and one more thing...
I was just talking to Margaret and found out that the house I wanted to buy
last year is back on the market. They're asking £980,000 for it."

MAN:  "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000.
They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if
it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN:  "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

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For Dog Lovers

This 42 seconds of video was made by a Vancouver, BC news anchor.
She first showed it at the closing of the news one day and it has gone
viral.
 Click here

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Insane!!
 Click here

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Italian Pregnancy

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,
'Who wasa da pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with gray hair who is impeccably dressed in
an Armani suit steps out of a chauffer-driven Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells
them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.'

‘I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll
take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her
life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account..

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000
bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each..

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun,
places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes
and tells him.

"You-a gonna try again!"

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Bagpipe funeral

Time is like a river.  You cannot touch the water twice, because the  flow
that has passed will never pass again.  Enjoy every moment of life.  As a
bagpiper, I play many gigs.  Recently I was asked by a funeral director to
play at a graveside service for a homeless man.  He had no family or
friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the South West
of Western Australia.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods of the South West, I got lost and,
being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hear*e was nowhere in sight.  There were only the diggers and crew
left and they were eating lunch.  I felt badly and apologized to the men
for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place.  I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.  I played
like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep.  They wept, I
wept, we all wept together.  When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car.  Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

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A man uploaded a photo of a cute German Sheppard pup, and it's been shared
thousands of times.
The ad reads:
This is Lexi, she's an 8 week-old German Sheppard, I bought Lexi as a
surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now
looking to find her a new home. Her name is Siobhan, she is 39 years old, a
beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good
house.

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The Queen & Dolly Parton Go To Heaven!

They Die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if
they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must
decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to
Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect
breasts God ever created,
And I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for
eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then
pees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of
God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet
and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush Beats a Pair - No Matter How Big They Are.

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Fleggaard Ad (Oldie but a Goodie) [XXX]
 Click here

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Dingo Jack

An aboriginal man (Dingo Jack) from Mt Isa goes to the hospital with a
problem - he just can't stop jogging.
'Hey white doctor' says Dingo, 'whacha think is makin' me run all ober da
place. It's too puckin hot for dat sh*t.'
The doctor says, 'It's got me beat but, hey, I might have a cure.' The
doctor puts two rows of white powder on his desk and tells Dingo to snort
them.
Dingo does as the doctor asks, and immediately stops jogging up and down,
and stands dead still.
'Puck me drunk, it worked. Is that cocaine?' he asks the doctor.
'No' the doctor replies. 'It's Omo - guaranteed to stop colours from
running.'

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On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.  The
turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when a wing is struck
by lightning.  One woman in particular loses it.  Screaming, she stands up
in the front of the plane.  'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, “Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable!  Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel
like a WOMAN?”

For a moment there is silence.  Everyone has forgotten their own peril. 
They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Montana stands up in the rear of the plane.  He is
handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.  He starts
to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt..........

One button at a time.........

No one moves................

He removes his shirt..............

Muscles ripple across his chest.........

She gasps....................

He whispers.................

”Iron this... then get me a beer.”

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The Irish

Some typical Irish jokes, fondly told without any hint of disapprobation.

The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint
way with words.

Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the Surgery waiting room.
"I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I'd hate to
feel like this if I was well!"

"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?"
"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.

Murphy arrived home late from the pub, well-oiled and ready for trouble.
"Is that you Murphy?" called his wife.
"Byjasis! It damned well better be!"

Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell from
the second floor scaffolding.
"Are ya dead?" cried Gallagher from above.
"To be sure I am," replied Murphy.
"You are such a liar, Murphy that I don't know whether to believe you or
not!" called Gallagher.
"That proves I'm dead," said Murphy's voice from the rubble below, "because
if I was alive you wouldn't be game to call me a liar!"

Dublin's contestant in an international quiz was waiting for his first
question.
"First, what's your name and occupation?" the compere asked.
"Pass", came the reply.

Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking.
"It's best if we split up," said Paddy. "I will meet you in the next city
under the town hall clock."
Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove
up in a swank car.
"Where the hell did you get that?"
Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman
picked him up. She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes
off.
"She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car," said Paddy.
"Good choice too," said Shamus. "You'd look ridiculous in her clothes."

PADDY... "If you can guess how many chooks I have in my bag, you can have
both of them."
"Three ?"  ... suggested Shaun.

Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large
bottle.
"What have you there?" asked a suspicious customs officer.
"Tis Lourdes holy water. I am bringing it home with me", said Paddy.
The officer took the bottle and tried some. " Why it's Irish whiskey!" he
spluttered.
"Lord bless me!" said Paddy, "another miracle."

On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub.
The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle.
"What's it for?" asked Paddy..
"It's for a poor widow with 13 kids," said the barman.
Paddy shook his head, "No good for me. I'd never be able to keep them."

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Good Samaritan
 Click here

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The Queen Has Spoken.
 Click here

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Poppy!
 Click here

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Remaining Active!
 Click here
It is important to remain active in retirement...

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FW: Drug interaction warning...
 Click here

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When a woman wears a leather dress...

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat
gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!?

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new Truck.

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The Will

I was sitting with the computer the other day drafting my will and I called
out to my wife,

"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE!"

She shouted back,

"YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD!"

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Only in Louisiana
 Click here

News 8 Louisiana :  Police are calling this a crime of the unthinkable,
something that most people would never imagine doing. On Monday, police
were called to a Louisiana Wal-Mart under the suspicion that a customer was
shoplifting food. According to the complaint, a Wal-Mart worker radioed
security about a suspicious woman in the meat aisle. Security cameras
filmed 33-year-old Shaniqua Johnson shoving sausages under her shirt. CCTV
footage then shows the woman walking to the bathroom, where she remained
for at least 30 minutes.

The male security guard says he knocked on the bathroom door several times
but the woman did not respond. He then announced he was entering. What he
found behind the door of the unlocked stall is something he said will
"haunt his dreams forever." The security guard reports when he entered the
stall, Johnson was inappropriately pleasing herself with a Jimmy Dean
package of sausage. He said that when he entered "She didn't even stop. She
just stared at me and kept going."

Shocked, and also frightened for his safety due to the fact that Johnson is
a "big girl," the 140 pound security guard said he ran out until police
arrived. When they did, female officers entered the restroom with Johnson
still "putting in work with the sausage." All in all, it took 7 police
officers to restrain Johnson and pry the victimized sausage out of the
woman's hands. She was arrested and taken into custody where she was
charged with shoplifting, indecent exposure, and resisting arrest. Wal-Mart
management said in no way do they tolerate this type of behavior. They have
a strict policy against shoplifters and a sign on the bathroom door that
clearly reads, "No merchandise allowed beyond this point."

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Sherlock Homes & Dr Watson.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under
the stars, and went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said:
"Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "and what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of
those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out
there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might
also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our
bloody tent."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner
and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past
three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small
and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has
stolen our tent!"

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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Irish News Report
 Click here

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Strip-O-Gram

12th December 1989 - In Des Plaines, Illinois, a man was reported to be
showing up at the door of single women, and telling them he was a male
stripper, hired as a gift by one of their friends. It's not known how often
this ploy was successful, but if asked to go, he would leave.

The guy came to the attention of the police after one woman, who had
invited him in to do his act, suspected he wasn't on the level, because he
was wearing "dingy" underwear. She noted, "They were supposed to be white,
and in the back the band was torn."

Oddly, he only ever showed up at women's homes on Tuesdays.

Doesn't sound like the guy was caught, but I wonder if they could have
charged him with anything. Is it illegal to impersonate a stripper?

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Forgot to Chew off his Tats as Well
 Click here
Kirk Kelly was picked up in a traffic stop in Tallmadge, Ohio. To avoid
having his true identity revealed, he lied about his name, and then sat in
the back of a police car, and chewed off his fingerprints. The police
subsequently identified him, by his tattoos. Kelly originally comes from
Port Tampa, Florida --- Lower stomach Tattoo.

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We are Sorry
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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