Friday humour - March 04, 2016

HI
Thanks to Anonymous 3, Duke of Barsinov, Buiurnout, Haz , KRP Sack,
Seasoldier Valerie,  Wally , Whizbang, Digi Maria and Digi Steve for all
your contributions this week  

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Subject: Synchronized Drones  
Fabulous display!
 
This 100 Drone Synchronized Airshow is the World's Largest and Most
Impressive - 2 Min, 25 Sec  
Drones have a lot of people worried about privacy, but they can be used for
good as well as nefarious purposes.
 
Take, for instance, a spectacular display of drone technology by Intel
Corporation (USA) involving 100 small aircrafts being launched skywards in
formation has earned a new Guinness World Record for the Most Unmanned
Aerial Vehicles (UAVs) airborne simultaneously.
 
Controlled on the ground by a crew using PCs with Intel software, the mass
of drones lit up the night sky in sync to a live performance of Beethoven’s
Fifth Symphony and executed a stunning light show resembling a fireworks
display.
  “Drone 100” took place at Flugplatz Ahrenlohe, Tornesch, Germany, in
November 2015.
 
The record was set in collaboration with Ars Electronica Futurelab to push
the limits of the UAV industry and to show what UAVs can be used for.
Click here    

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BLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBLBL (XXX)  
Be careful where you open this.
Be sure to turn the sound on.
Click here  

Now if you hear "Blblblblbblb" you'll now know what is making that noise.

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Last Will of a Londoner    
Don Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his
wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.
 
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to
record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
 
My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
 
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end."
 
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
 
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the
banks of the river."
 
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his
extensive holdings, and as Don slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith,
your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have acc*mulated all
that property".
 
Sarah replies, "Property? The ar*ehole had a paper round!"

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Dr. Codger.
 
An old codger became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical
clinic.
 
He put a sign up outside that said:"Dr Codger's clinic. Get your treatment
for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
 
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old codger didn't know beans
about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So
he went to Dr. Codger's clinic.
 
Dr. Young: "Dr. Codger, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please
help me ??"
 
Dr. Codger: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in
Dr.
Young's mouth."
   
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is petrol!"
 
Dr. Codger: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be
$500."
 
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to
recover his money.
 
Dr. Young:"I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
 
Dr. Codger: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in
the patient's mouth."
 
Dr. Young:"Oh, no you don't,-- that is petrol!
   
Dr. Codger: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be
$500."
 
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after
several more days.
 
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak ---I can hardly see anything!!!!
   
Dr. Codger: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your
$1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill  
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!
   
Dr. Codger:"Congratulations!You got your vision back!; That will be $500."
 
Moral of story-- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can
outsmart an "old Codger"*  
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first
place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off (& we DO get even!!!).

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Subject: How To Lose A Few Toes (Or An Entire Foot)
 Click here    


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Inventions created by women      And for all you guys out there who thought
the only invention was a rolling pin!(cheeky).
   1. The Car Heater  We all owe our thanks to Margaret A Wilcox who
invented the car heater in 1893!
 (Margaret also invented a combined clothes and dishwasher)    2.Monopoly  
 This popular board game was designed by Elizabeth Magie in 1904,
originally called the Landlord’s Game.
 The purpose of this game was to expose the injustices of unchecked
capitalism.
 Her game was ripped off by Charles Darrow who sold it to Parker Brother’s
30 years later.
 However Parker Brothers later paid Elizabeth $500 for her game.
 Gee Thanks!
   3. The Fire Escape    The fire escape was invented by Anna Connelly in
1887    4. The Life Raft    The life saving Life Raft was invented by Maria
Beaselyin 1882. (Maria also invented a machine that makes barrels)    5.
Residential Solar Heating    Solar heating for residential housing was
invented by Dr Maria Telkes in 1947.
 Dr. Telkes was a Psychiatrist in addition to being aSolar-Power Pioneer  
 6.The Medical Syringe    The medical syringe which could be operated with
only one hand was invented by a woman by the name of Letitia Geer in 1899  
 7. The Modern Electric Refrigerator    The electric refrigerator was
invented by Florence Parpart in 1914  (Florence also invented an improved
street cleaning machine in addition to the refrigerator)    8. The Ice
Cream Maker    The ice cream maker was invented by a woman named Nancy
Johnson in 1843.
Her patented design is still used today!
   9. The Computer Algorithm    Ada Lovelace is essentially the first
computer programer due to her work with Charles Babbage at the University
of London in 1842.
 In fact her notes was an essential key to helping Alan Turing’s work on
the first modern computers in the 1940s.
   10. Telecommunications Technology    Some of the Telecommunication
Technology developed by Dr Shirley Jackson include portable fax, touch tone
telephone, solar cells, fibre optic cables,
and the technology behind caller ID and call waiting.
   11. The Dishwasher    The Dishwasher was invented by Josephine Cochrane
in 1887. Before her time,
she even marketed her machine to hotel owners and even opened her own
factory without the help of a man!
   12. Wireless Transmission Technology    Hedy Lamarr, a world famous film
star, invented a secret communications system during World War II for
radio-controlling torpedoes.
 This Technology also paved the way for everything from Wi-Fi to GPS    13.
Closed-Cercuit Television Security (CCTV)    Marie Van Brittan Brown
invented CCTV because of the slow response of police officers in 1969 to
help people ensure their own security.
 This invention influenced modern CCTV systems used for home security and
police work today.
   14. The Modern Paper Bag    Margaret Knight invented a machine that
makes square bottomed paper bags in 1871. She almost didn’t get credit when
Charles Anan tried to steal her work claiming that it wasn’t possible for a
woman to create this brilliant invention.(Margaret also invented a safety
device for cotton mills when she was 12… that invention is still being used
today)    15.Central Heating  
Although Alice Parker’s invention in 1919 of a gas powered central heater
was never manufactured.
Her idea was the first that allowed for using natural gas to heat a home,
inspiring the central heating systems used today    16.Kevlar    This
life-saving material that is 5 times stronger than steel and used to make
bulletproof vests was invented in 1965 by Stephanie Kwolek    17. Computer
Software    Dr Grace Murray Hopper was a computer scientist that invented
COBOL which is the first user-friendly business computer software system in
the 1940’s.
She was also a rear admiral in the U.S. navy and the first person to use
the term “bug” in reference to a glitch in a computer system when she
literally found a bug (moth) causing problems with her computer  

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Black names for hurricanes  
Just when you thought you have heard all of the stupid things that are
going on in the US -- this comes along... Black hurricanes....
Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else
to be p*ssed about.
A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston),
reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian
sounding names..
She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as:
Chamiqua,Tanisha,Woeisha, Shaquille, and Jamal.NOT making this up!
She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that
street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in
New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of
the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+
MPH, that's too hard to understand I can hear it now: A weatherman in New
Orleans says...
Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy
on arocket!
Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave
yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE sh*t.

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  20 Things About Malcolm Turnbull ...
   20 things you possibly did not know about Malcolm TurnbullDoug Aiton  
1. Some years ago he nearly became a novelist. He tried to finish a novel
started by his late mother, Coral Lansbury, called Opium.
2. He has been all of: a journalist, a barrister, a banker, a developer of
shopping centres, a businessman, a politician, a Rhodes scholar, a student
at Oxford, and now a Prime Minister.
3. When he was nine, his mother left him and his father to live in
Philadelphia with a New Zealand academic called John Salmon. His mother
kept in touch, but physically disappeared from his life. “Yeah, I was sad,”
he confessed, years later.
4. His mother wrote plays for radio, the best known of which was called
Portia Faces Life. Turnbull remembers her writing such lines as “Why will
you not marry me?” and “Put down that gun”.
5. All male Turnbull’s, including Malcolm, his father, and his son, have
the second name Bligh. His ancestors were Scots, one of whom, John
Turnbull,
came to Australia in 1802 with a shipload of Scottish free settlers. They
supported deposed NSW Governor William Bligh.
6. His father Bruce was born in Tumut. He became an electrician, and later
a
Sydney hotel broker. He was killed in a plane crash in the Hunter Valley in
1982 on a flight from Scone to Casino. He was 56.
7. His father taught him: no cigarettes, no motor bikes, and, sadly, no
single engine planes. “I can’t believe that he got on the single engine
plane that day.”
8. Malcolm inherited his father’s farm in the Hunter Valley which he once
said he could never sell because his father was buried in the front garden.
9. He described his father as witty, amusing, and light. “I’m probably a
bit more serious. He was a very good father.”
10. He later discovered that his father had very little money, and spent
much of what he had on sending Malcolm to Sydney Grammar. Malcolm became
co-senior prefect there. “Bible study was non-sectarian. And there was a
large proportion of Jewish boys. There was a fairly healthy scepticism. It
wasn’t a school for going around engaging in imperial-jingoism.”
11. During his Oxford years he made a speech at the Cambridge Union which
led to the editor of the Sunday Times, Harold Evans, offering him a job. He
could not take this up because at the time The Times and Sunday Times went
out of production because of a prolonged printers’ strike objecting to new
technology.
12. As a barrister aged 31, he took on the British government led by
Margaret Thatcher. He defended former MI5 member Peter Wright in the courts
and won, with the celebrated “Spycatcher” case in 1986, about which he
later wrote a book called The Spycatcher Trial. The government had tried to
suppress publication of the book, maintaining it violated the Official
Secrets Act.
13. He led the Australian Republican Movement at the time of the referendum
in 1999, which the monarchists, more or less led by Prime Minister John
Howard, won. Turnbull had no hostile feelings towards the Queen. “She seems
pleasant and respected and she does a very good job. I have a big problem
with the institution. First, I object to any office that is hereditary. And
second, I object to the fact that the monarch must be a member of the
Church of England and can only be married to a Protestant.”
14. He became wealthy mainly through starting his own bank which invested
in shopping centres. Financial security was important to him. “My father
and I went through times of great financial insecurity. We had a two-room
flat. He was frugal. Yes, it was very important. The reason is, financial
independence gives you freedom. If I made a hundred million next week it
wouldn’t change my lifestyle. The key thing, the only thing, is that it
gives you independence. You can’t do things unless you have a bit of
brass.”
15. Asked in 1999 if he wanted to be Prime Minister, Turnbull said: “Well,
who wouldn’t! I think my problem is I have succeeded in making myself
unacceptable to all parties.”
16. He instigated the Bruce Turnbull scholarship at Sydney Grammar School,
offering scholarships to boys who could not otherwise afford to attend the
school.
17. In 1987, he formed an investment banking firm called Whitlam Turnbull
and Co. Ltd. This was in partnership with former Labour NSW Premier Neville
Wran, and Nicholas Whitlam, son of Labour Prime Minister Gough Whitlam.
18. In 2005, the wealth of Malcolm and wife Lucy was estimated at $133
million. In 2010 it was estimated at $186 million. Until the arrival of
Clive Palmer, he was said to be the wealthiest Australian parliamentarian.
19. His mother was a first cousin of British actress Angela Lansbury.
20. He was extremely close to his father. “He was a very intelligent man.
He did not go to university, which he regretted. He had a very simple sort
of morality which I think, well I’m sure, I inherited. Rather an
old-fashioned concept of honour and manliness and principle. It can make
you a bit unbending. One thing he believed was that you should never take a
backward step.”    Doug Aiton is a newspaper journalist and radio
broadcaster. He has worked for The London Times, The Age, ABC Radio and 3AW

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Disorder in American Courts  
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
 
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by
court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges
were taking place.
 
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
   _______________________________
 
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
   ____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Are you s*xually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
  ____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
   _____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
   _________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
   ___________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
   ____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
   ___________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me?
   _________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid    ____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
   ____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
   ___________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
   _____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
   ______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
  _________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
  _________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
  ____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
     ______________________________________
 
And last:
 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

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British Medical Journal    There is a medical distinction between Guts and
Balls  We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls.
 Do they, however, know the difference between them?
   Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical
 Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
   GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met
 by your wife with a broom, and having the Gutsto ask: Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
   BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of
 perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby!"
I trust this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal .

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Exam  
After my recent Prostate Exam at Toronto General, which was one of the most
thorough examinations I've ever had, the Doctor left and the nurse came in.
As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear....
 
She said...."Who Was That guy?"

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Railroad gauge . .
   Railroad Tracks  
The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet,
8.5 inches.
That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates
designed the U.S. Railroads.
 
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the
pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did 'they' use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that
they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
 
Why did the wagons have that particular Odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break
on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the
spacing of the wheel ruts.
 
So, who built those old rutted roads?
 mperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including
England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.
 
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to
match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.
 
Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the
matter of wheel spacing.
Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches
is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war
chariot.
In other words, bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and
wonder,
'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right.
Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the
rear ends of two war horses.
 
Now, the twist to the story:
 
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice
that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main
fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.
The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.
 
The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit
larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the
launch site.
The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the
mountains and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.
The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad
track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
 
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's
most advanced transportation systemwas determined over two thousand years
ago by the width of a horse's ass.
 
And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important!
 
Now you know, Horses' Asses control almost everything.
 
Explains a whole lot of stuff, doesn't it?

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Definitions - - male vs female  
EIGHT WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS  
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
 
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing hockey without a cup.
 
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
 
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one .
 
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
 
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by - product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
  7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
 
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
 
AND  
He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in
it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?
 
He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart!
 
He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
 
He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to
bed ..Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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SHOPPING AT TIFFANY'S    
A LOVELY LADY WALKS INTO TIFFANY'S. SHE LOOKS AROUND, SPOTS A BEAUTIFUL
DIAMOND BRACELET AND WALKS OVER TO INSPECT IT. AS SHE BENDS OVER TO LOOK
MORE CLOSELY, SHE UNEXPECTEDLY FARTS. VERY EMBARRASSED, SHE LOOKS AROUND
NERVOUSLY TO SEE IF ANYONE NOTICED HER LITTLE WOOPS AND PRAYS THAT A
SALESPERSON WAS NOT ANYWHERE NEAR.
 
AS SHE TURNS AROUND, HER WORST NIGHTMARE MATERIALIZES IN THE FORM OF A
SALESMAN STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER... GOOD LOOKING AS WELL. COOL AS A
CUC*MBER, HE DISPLAYS ALL OF THE QUALITIES ONE WOULD EXPECT OF A
PROFESSIONAL IN A STORE LIKE TIFFANY'S. HE POLITELY GREETS THE LADY WITH,
"GOOD DAY, MADAM... HOW MAY WE HELP YOU TODAY?"
 
BLUSHING AND UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT STILL HOPING THAT THE SALESMAN SOMEHOW
MISSED HER LITTLE 'INCIDENT', SHE ASKS, "SIR, WHAT IS THE PRICE OF THIS
LOVELY BRACELET??"
 
HE ANSWERS, "MADAM... IF YOU FARTED JUST LOOKING AT IT, YOU'RE GOING TO
SH*T
YOURSELF WHEN I TELL YOU THE PRICE."

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*Q*: What is the best part of a Boxer's joke?
*A*: The PUNCH line.
 
*Q*: What kind of house weighs the least?
*A*: A LIGHT house.
 
*Q*: Why is a river rich?
*A*: It has two banks.
   
*Q*: What is faster - heat or cold?
*A*: Heat - you can catch cold.
   
*Q*: What word in the dictionary is always spelled wrong?
*A*: WRONG  
*Q*: What question can you never truthfully answer 'Yes'?
*A*: Are you asleep?
 
*Q*: Which is the quietest sport?
*A*: Bowling - you can hear a pin drop.
 
*Q*: What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in an hour?
*A*: the letter M.
 
*Q*: What goes around the world but stays in a corner?
*A*: A postage stamp  
*Q*: What kind of room has no door or windows?
*A*: a mushroom.
 
*Q*: What word starts with an 'E' and has only one letter in it?
*A*: an Envelope    

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Blonde jokes
Blonde: “What does IDK mean?”
Brunette: “I don’t know.”
Blonde: “OMG, *nobody* does!”    
Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills.
   
Why did the blonde get so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle in six
months?
Because the box said it was for “2 to 4 years.”    
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
“I wonder if it’s mine.”    
Why do blondes stare at orange juice containers for hours on end?
Because they say “concentrate.”    
Why did the blonde put her iPad in the blender?
She was trying to make apple juice.
   
Three blondes walk into a building.
You’d think at least one of them would’ve seen it.
   
Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
She was desperately trying to make up her mind.
   
Why couldn’t the blonde dial 911?
She couldn’t find the eleven.

     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
Einstein  
Did you know this about Einstein?
 
Einstein was born March 14, 1879.
He would be 135 if he were alive today. Few people remember that he married
his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919.
 
At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa “because she was so
well endowed”.
 
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the
attraction is even stronger if there is a
DNA connection.
This came to be known as…....Einstein’s Theory of RelativeTitty.”    

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Therapy  
Testicle therapy    
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at
his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his
hands there at his groin.
   At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
 She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside and administered tender and artful massage
for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
   "Feels great", he replied; "but I still think my thumb's broken!”.

   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Complaints  
These are genuine clips from British Council flat (apartment) tenants
complaining to the Council about problems with their flats.
 
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.
 
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore.
 
3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
 
4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road.Every morning at 6
a.m., his c*ck wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
 
5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
 
6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence.
 
7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
wife.
 
8. My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand?
 
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
 
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped
and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
 
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen  
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain
filthy.
 
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
 
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is
cleared.
 
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny colour &
not fit to drink.
 
16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.
 
17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.
 
18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third
so please send someone round to do something about it.
 
19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage.
 
20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
A Scottish Soldier
A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.
 
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he
also unfolds - to reveal a condom.
 
The condom has a number of patches on it.
 
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
 
"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
 
"Six pence" says the chemist.
 
"How much for a new one?"
 
"Ten pence" says the chemist.
 
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches
out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
 
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.
 
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the
proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
 
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
 
We'll have a new one."
     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
A Romanian
A Romanian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank
you Mr. Australiaman, ...for letting me come into this country, giving me
housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such
a beautiful country here in Australia ."
The person says, "I not Australian, I am Pakistani."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes
his hand, and says,
"Thank you for wonderful country Australia !"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Afghanistan . I am not
Australian."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks,
"Are you an Australia woman?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
Puzzled, he asks her,
"Where are all the Australian?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
What happened to Dennis ?
 Click here

     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
Right out of science fiction ...
 Click here

     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
Those pesky rules ...
 Click here

     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
Truck Recovery  
 Click here
Vastly different techniques used and contrasting results between truck
recovery skills of Germany and Brazil......

     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
Why we can't compete with China  
 Click here

     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
New Collingwood strip
 Click here
Got my tick of approval too!

     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
Blue Humor
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
Sack
Aussie sheepdogs after a had day in the paddocks
 Click here
     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
Best VW I've ever seen
 Click here
 
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THINGS THAT ARE 'NOT' ON MY BUCKET LIST
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
   Everyone has some sort of bucket list = things to do before you kick the
bucket  These are the things I will NOT do before I die!
 
Extreme skiing in Wyoming.
   Cliff camping.
   Skywalking in the Alps.
   Climbing Redwoods.
   Sitting on the Trolltunga rock in Norway.
   Jumping on the Trolltunga rock in Norway.
   Rock climbing in South Africa.
   Ice climbing a frozen waterfall.
   Extreme picnicking.
   Skywalking on Mount Nimbus in Canada.
   Tree camping in Germany.
   Just having a look around.
   Extreme kayaking at Victoria Falls ..
   Diving 30 meters through a rock monolith in Portugal.
   Climbing Mt. Wellington.
   Standing on the Edgewalk in Toronto .

     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
Impeccable Male Logic - ADULT HUMOUR
 Click here

     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

tech support..
 Click here
   A woman wrote to tech support, and their reply is a stroke of
genius.This young woman is no different from the rest of us, both family
happiness and heartbreak are familiar to her. She is simply looking for an
answer to her questions. How do you maintain a relationship? How do you
bring back the excitement of the first date. She wrote a letter to the tech
support to find her answers. She sent the letter as a joke and only
remembered about it when she suddenly received an email notification with a
response    Dear Tech Support,
 
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower
and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0    
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as:
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable
programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1    
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
     Signed, Desperate    
Dear Desperate,
   
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband
1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved
me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the
Guilt
3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5    
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0
to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note
that
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring
Loudly Beta.
 
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circ*mstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0
(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of
all your system resources.)  
In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0
program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
 
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Cooking
3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7  
Good Luck!

     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
Canadian Stuff
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here
     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Real Men
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here
   
   ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
What the hell is a 710?

 A few days ago I was having some work done at my  local garage when a
blonde came in and asked for a  seven-hundred-ten.
 
We all looked at each other and another customer  asked, 'What is a
seven-hundred-ten?'
 
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle  of the engine, I
have lost it and need a new one.'
   She replied that she did not know exactly what it was,
 but this piece had always been there.
   The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and  asked her to draw
what the piece looked like.
   She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
 He then took her over to a car just like hers which had  its hood up and
asked, 'Is there a 710 on this car?'
   She pointed and said, 'Of course, it’s right there.'
   If you're not sure what a 710 is                
 Click here

     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
Vehicular Heatstroke
 Click here

       ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
   
Name That List  
 Click here Click here
What is this a list of?
   a.. 1706 handfuls of peanuts  b.. 198 sandwiches  c.. 891 chunks of
bread  d.. 516 gum drops  e.. 814 peppermints, toffees, and liquorice  f..
811 biscuits  g.. 7 ice cream bars  h.. 17 apples  i.. 198 slices of orange
 j.. 1 meat ball  k.. 1 leather glove  l.. 16 pieces of paper  m.. 2 small
branches  n.. 1 shoelace    
It's everything that Aida, an elephant at the Rotterdam Zoo, ate in one day
in July 1959. She displayed no apparent ill effects. The total weight of
all she ate was approximately 126 pounds.

       ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
Prop-Start an Airplane

 Click here
   This photo is absolutely incredible...
 
But can you tell what's wrong with it?
   
Yep, guess you spotted it, too.
   Never, never try to Prop-Start an aircraft, without chocking the wheels
! !
   I am sure that caught your eye right away like it did mine.
     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
Where's Wally?

 
 Click here
     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

4711 Perfume
 Click here

Did you know that:- During World War II Nazi Germany's Kriegsmarine (Navy)
issued vast amounts of 4711 Perfume to the submariners of the U-Boat fleet.
As there were limited facilities and few opportunities for bathing, the
scent was to be used in an attempt to improve the odour aboard the vessel.
Crew members typically didn't use much of it, and would take home bottles
as presents for mothers, wives, or girlfriends [13]   [13] Information
obtained from an interview with Peter Peterson in the DVD doc*mentary
‘U-Boat War Attack America’ Produced and directed by Nigel
Turner 2004. ITN/Discovery Channel MCMXCVII. Peter Peterson served aboard a
German Type IX submarine U-518, during the second world war.
 
Note: 4711 Perfume is still available today, in most chemists around the
world.

       ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Advance_Australia
 Click here

     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

bridge crossing
 Click here

     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___
 
Blob
 Click here

     ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

see you next time 

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[ End friday humour ]

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