Friday humour - February 05, 2016

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

January 2016 has to be the outstanding month for loosing famous people,
especially entertainment stars. Let's see what February brings ...

This weeks collection courtesy of Arfermo, Duke of Barsinov, Sack,
Seasoldier, Wally and Whizzbang.

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Very good 'uns
 Click here

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She is singing my song!
You have to really listen to the words.
 Click here  |


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Senior Computer Skills...

Tech support:   What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support:   Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

 ************************
Customer:   Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha. I can't print. Every time I
try, it says 'can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed
it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.

 *************************
Customer:My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support:   Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support:   Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support:   Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support:  That means the keyboard is not plugged in.

 *************************
Customer:   I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:   Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:   Five dots.

 *************************
Tech support:   What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support:   That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.

 *************************
Customer:I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

 *************************
Tech support:How may I help you?
Customer:  I'm writing my first email.
Tech support:OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the
little circle around it?

 *************************
This one and the next  are our personal favorites!
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer.
Tech support:   Are you running it under Windows?
Customer:No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man
sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is
working fine.'

 ************************
And last but not least!
Tech support:   Okay Bob, let's press the Control and Escape keys at the
same time.
That brings up a task list In the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech  support:  On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support:   'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

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  Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding
my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to
the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes
probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.


Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for
fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with
him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They
lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always
let them play for free anytime!"

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?


Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons.

Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers #6

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet.


Understanding Engineers #7

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a
beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."


And finally...

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we
don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and
laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her
pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches,"
and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We
ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently
serving as members of parliament/congress.

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LEMON SQUEEZER

At a local bar in Quesnel....
The owner & bartender, was so sure that he was the strongest man around,
that he offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass,
and then hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, would win the
money.

Many people had tried, over the years: weightlifters, longshoremen,
football players etc., but nobody had ever been able to do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick
glasses and a polyester suit. He sat down, ordered a glass of draft, &
started looking around the bar.

After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a
meek voice: "I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter in the pub had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon
and squeezed the heck out of it..... Then he handed the wrinkled remains of
the rind to the little fellow.

The Crowd's laughter turned to total silence.... as the man clenched his
little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked
little man: "Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living? Are you a
lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied: no "I work for Revenue Canada."

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Two Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.....
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage
with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,she brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
As he ushered her in,  she saw that his male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes,the female parrots cried out in unison:
'Hi,we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
"Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!"

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Italian Girl gets Married

A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl's mother
lives downstairs. The girl has never made love to a man before, and on
their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running
downstairs.

"Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his
chest! What should I do?"

The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and
says, "Hair on his chest? He's your husband, it's your wedding night, go
upstairs."

When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends
her running back down to her mother: "Momma, Momma! He has hair all over
his legs! What should I do?"

The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: "Hair on his legs? He's
your husband, it's your wedding night, go upstairs."

The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She
looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes
crying back down the stairs:

"Momma, Momma! He's got a foot and a half! What should I do?"

The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says:

"A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I'll go upstairs."

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Monica Lewinsky released the following statement on Hilary Clinton's run
for President:

"I will not vote for Hilary Clinton. The last Clinton presidency left a bad
taste in my mouth. As we get closer to the 2016 election year, citizens
must remember that they cannot even trust Hillary Clinton to create
American jobs. The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to
me and I simply blew it."

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HOLY PROSTITUTES
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
signout of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second
thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past
a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far
side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the
door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you! my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business ...'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and
tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the
door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the
large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the
door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another
sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

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When you think you've seen it all ...
 Click here

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Ting Tong!
 Click here

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Someone Cares .....
 Click here

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Male Motivators
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Timing is everything
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Muslim's Brake Fail
 Click here

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Air Nippon [XXX]
 Click here
Let's all fly the Japanese way.

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Clifford Ray Jones' Story
 Click here Click here

DETROIT A new level of distracted driving was reached when a 58-year-old
man, who was preoccupied with masturbating, and watching a pornographic
movie on his phone, crashed, and rolled his vehicle.
It happened at about 3:30 a.m. Sunday on the ramp, from the Lodge to I-75
in Detroit, Michigan State Police said.
Michigan State Police Lt. Mike Shaw said "It's the strangest thing he's
ever encountered on the roadway. Driver inattention is the leading factor
in most crashes."
"We see people putting on makeup, we see people doing different things as
far as hygiene, as far as reading books, it's almost to the fact there's so
much technology out there, a lot of people are more paying attention to
what they're doing, other than driving their cars," Shaw said.
Clifford Ray Jones, 58, of Detroit, was partially ejected through the
sunroof when his 1996 Toyota rolled, and he was thrown from the vehicle,
and died.
Police said, "Jones wasn't wearing pants, and no others drivers were
involved."

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Photos
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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Tree Stump
 Click here

10 Dumbest Lottery Winners
 Click here

10 Luckiest People of all Time  Click here

10 Things Billionaires Brought  Click here

People are Awesome (January 2016)  Click here

Hug of the Century
 Click here

America's got Talent (Matt Franco) 
 Click here

Southwest Airline Safety Video (outstanding! ed.)
 Click here

Best Snow Bloopers
 Click here

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How much overhang can you have?
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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