Friday humour - January 22, 2016

Friday Humour comes to you this week from: Anon3, Clooney's Twin, Duke of
Barsinov, KRP, Sack, Seasoldier, Whizzbang, DigiMaria and last but not
least, Wally!



Along with age comes????
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So nice to see those bravedogs being looked after!
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This is my human. There are many like it but this one is mine...

And the guy on the left has aBIG smile on his face. It's his dog and he is
glad it found another lap to sit on instead of his. (Note the brown leash)
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Oh Come On We Both Fit On This Thing! See!?
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Thank you to our military and their very special dogs who are sent into the
worst case scenarios.
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My son was half of a K9couple. His first partner was Banjo, explosives
detection. Oh, the stories we've heard! His second partner was Brit, drug
dog. I have nothing but the utmost respect for all K9 teams
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He/she deserved it! Thank you for your service, sweet little puppy.
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Look at the power in the shoulders of this soldier. And that beautiful,
determined face. I grew up being told by my Air Force father that women
could never serve in combat. Oh, yeah? Tell that to this American soldier!
To paraphrase Lincoln:
"SHE who shall have borne the battle..."
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He looks so fierce, but somewhat sad.
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They trust each other!
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The dog survived, the handler,sadly, did not.
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He is receiving a medal for his service to our Country...well deserved.
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Let's go for a walk they said.
It'll be fun they said.
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Best friend I could of ever asked for!!!
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IF ONLY we humans would love one another this way too.
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Every K9 soldier would give their life for their partner, no question
they're angels of beyond words.
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The love of a dog is the closest thing to the love God has for the human
Greater love hath no man than to lay down his life for his friends
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Thank you for your service .Now run free over the rainbow bridge
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Not a K9 Soldier, but nonetheless a dog who will serve. His contribution to
morale and mental health of the soldiers who found him, take care of him,
and will hopefully bring him home with them should also be recognized. Not
a War Dog, but still a Dog of War.
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THAT is an awesome picture!!!
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The sharp dried weeds/grass was probably hurting the dog's feet. Saw
another picture once where the human soldier was carrying his dog over
burning hot sand. If it's too hot or cold on the ground for you to go
barefooted, it's too hot or cold for animals too.

He ain't heavy he's my brother!
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This is the family of fallen Marine Cpl Dustin Lee. They were allowed to
adopt "Lex".
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"that's not a dog, THAT'S A MARINE." - Gunnery Sgt. Leroy Jethro Gibb, USMC
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He looks like he's saying it's okay, we got this covered.
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Border control
Lifeguards - It's un-Australian not to help
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Rabbit -v- Snake
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Rabbit 1; Snake 0.


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Beer Economy

The beer economy has recently attracted the attention of governments; it's
been around for a long time;
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A 150-Year-Old Steamboat

When they dug up this old sunken steamboat,

they couldn't believe what they found.

Scientists Were Amazed At The Perfectly Preserved Cargo ...
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Scientists Were Amazed At The Perfectly Preserved Cargo Inside This
150-Year-Old Sunken Steamboat

In 1856, the Steamboat Arabia left the banks of Kansas City on a routine
supply trip up the Missouri River. Onboard were two hundred tons of
precious cargo en route ...

What They Found Inside The Sunken Remains
Of A 150-Year-Old Steamboat Is Still Edible
In 1856, the Steamboat Arabia left the banks of Kansas City on a routine
supply trip up the Missouri River. Onboard were two hundred tons of
precious cargo en route to 16 different towns along the frontier.

Steamboats were common in those days, as they were the best method of
traveling up and down America's river systems. These boats were a big
business at the time and were absolutely essential for trade and commerce.

Unfortunately for the Steamboat Arabia, a fallen walnut tree was waiting
just below the surface of the water, hidden from sight thanks to the glare
on the water from the setting sun. The impact instantly tore the hull and
the boat sank in minutes. Thankfully, everyone on board was able to swim to
safety, except for one poor mule who was tied to the deck and forgotten in
the chaos.

The soft river bottom quickly engulfed the boat in mud and silt and in just
a few days, it was swept away entirely due to the force of the river. Over
time, the river shifted course and for the next 132 years, the Arabia was
lost to the world until it was discovered in the 1980s, 45 feet deep
underneath a Kansas farm.

Legend of the sunken ship had been passed on through the generations in the
area and inspired local Bob Hawley to find it in 1987. He and his sons used
old maps and sophisticated equipment to eventually find the boat half a
mile away from the present-day river. The farmers who owned the land agreed
to let them dig it up - as long as they were done in time for the spring
planting season.

All manner of heavy equipment was brought in, including a 100-ton crane.
20,000 gallons of water had to be removed into 65-foot-deep wells.

After two weeks of excavation, the first parts of the boat appeared - the
remains of the left paddlewheel and this small black rubber shoe that was
lying on the deck.

They also recovered fine china, fully preserved along with its yellow
packing straw. It had all been preserved perfectly thanks to the airtight

On November 26, 1988, the full boat was uncovered along with its 200 tons
of buried treasure.

With no air to cause spoilage, thousands of items were recovered completely
intact. Jars of preserved foods were still totally edible. One brave
excavator even tested it out by eating a pickle from one of the jars and
found it to still be fresh.

Today, the artifacts are all housed in a museum in Kansas City called the
Steamboat Arabia Museum. One of their displays is the fully preserved
skeleton of that poor mule.

These jars of preserved fruits are just some of the relics recovered from
the Arabia.

Thinking of all those unmade pies kinda makes me sad ...

Though most of the hats recovered from the Steamboat Arabia were wool felt,
this hat is one of a rare few that were made of beaver fur, which is
naturally water resistant.

All manner of clothing was found. Much of it could still be worn today.

The ship also had over 4,000 shoes, all packed up and ready for delivery.
Some shoes were even lined with buffalo hair for extra warmth.

A keg of ale from 1856.

These bottles of French perfume were still fragrant when they were
recovered. Ever wondered what the 1800s smelled like?

Just a few of the 29 different patterns of calico buttons found on the

Calico fabric was a type of cotton printed with small, repeating patterns
named after its point of origin, Calcutta (now Kolkata), India. The fabric
was quite popular in England and the Western world and the Steamboat Arabia
had several calico dresses that sadly did not survive that much time
underwater. The dresses did have porcelain buttons printed in the same
patterns as the dresses, however, which shows us what kinds of designs
people were wearing back in those times.

A variety of (mostly unidentified) vintage medicines.

A sampling of some of the other relics recovered from the steamboat.

Would you try this 150-year-old pickle?


Flight Attendant - Tells it like it is.

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits
down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty
flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she
flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'?

The woman looks at him blankly

He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto
'Winning the hearts of the world'?

 Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

 Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 
'Going beyond expectations'?

 The woman looks at him sternly and says  'What  the hell do you want?'

 'Aha!' he says, "Qantas!".



I had awful trouble snookering this

Billard à couper le souffle
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Humor from Harnach

Why Women Make Better Assassins

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circ*mstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Kill her."

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go
home "

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the


One wish

Thought this was cute.'

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'Because you
have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the
bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do
it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish
that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she
cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and
complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


There is sound: (Very Interesting Story)
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And God said to Adam

said, "Adam, I want you to do something for

said, "Gladly,
Lord, what do You want me to do?"

said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.
Then God said,
"Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a

God explained that
to him, and then said,
"Go over to the hill....."

Adam said,
"What is a hill?"

So, God explained to
dam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, 'What's a

After God explained,
He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a

So God explained
that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do
I do that?"

God first said (under
His breath), "Geez....."

And then,
just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down
into the valley,

across the river, and
over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in
about five minutes, he was back.

His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said....



"What's a headache?"



Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in
the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her
panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did
not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a
ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,
So he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My
wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station..
We'll never forget you.' "



3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to
church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran
up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
And if you don't send this to at least 8 people ----- who cares!
Peace, love and happiness


That's the trouble with these Fords ...
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I'm no mechanic but it looks like the lower ball joints have dropped out.


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Don't you just hate it?.......

You get all dressed up;

You're looking hot; smokin' hot!

As you strut your stuff down the street, you can almost feel all the eyes
upon you.

Then, you happen to catch a quick glimpse of yourself in a mirror, and you
suddenly REALIZE.....You forgot the lipstick.....

The whole look you were after is gone, right then and there!


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Futurist or psychic?


The Importance of Drinking Water
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Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky:

Reporter:  Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?

Hattie : For better digestion, I drink beer.

In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine.

For low blood pressure I drink red  wine.

In the case of high blood pressure, I drink scotch.

And when I have a cold, I drink Schnapps.

Reporter :  When do you drink water?

Hattie :   I've never been that sick.


The Folded Napkin - A Truck Stop Story

If this doesn't light your fire, your wood is wet!

I try not to be biased, but I had my doubts about hiring Stevie. His
'Placement Counsellor assured me that he would be a good, reliable busboy.
But I had never had a mentally handicapped employee and wasn't sure I
wanted one. I wasn't sure how my customers would react to Stevie.

He was short, a little dumpy with the smooth facial features and
thick-tongued speech of Down's Syndrome. I wasn't worried about most of my
trucker customers because truckers don't generally care who buses tables as
long as the meatloaf platter is good and the pies are homemade.

The ones who concerned me were the mouthy college kids traveling to school;
the yuppie snobs who secretly polish their silverware with their napkins
for fear of catching some dreaded 'truck stop germ'; the pairs of
white-shirted business men on expense accounts who think every truck stop
waitress wants to be flirted with. I knew those people would be
uncomfortable around Stevie so I closely watched him for the first few

I shouldn't have worried. After the first week, Stevie had my staff wrapped
around his stubby little finger, and within a month my truck regulars had
adopted him as their official truck stop mascot.

After that, I really didn't care what the rest of the customers thought of
him. He was like a 21-year-old in blue jeans and Nikes, eager to laugh and
eager to please, but fierce in his attention to his duties.    Every salt
and pepper shaker was exactly in its place, not a breadcrumb Or coffee
spill was visible when Stevie got done with the table.

Our only problem was persuading him to wait to clean a table until after
the customers were finished. He would hover in the background, shifting his
weight from one foot to the other, scanning the dining room until a table
was empty.  Then he would scurry to the empty table and carefully bus
dishes and glasses onto his cart and meticulously wipe the table up with a
practiced flourish of his rag.

If he thought a customer was watching, his brow would pucker with added
concentration. He took pride in doing his job exactly right, and you had to
love how hard he tried to please each and every person he met.

Over time, we learned that he lived with his mother, a widow who was
disabled after repeated surgeries for cancer.     They lived on their
Social Security benefits in public housing two miles from the truck stop.
Their social worker, who stopped to check on him every so often, admitted
they had fallen between the cracks. Money was tight, and what I paid him
was probably the difference between them being able to live together and
Stevie being sent to a group home. That's why the restaurant was a gloomy
place that morning last August, the first morning in three years that
Stevie missed work.

He was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester getting a new valve or something put
in his heart. His social worker said that people with Downs Syndrome often
have heart problems at an early age so this wasn't unexpected, and there
was a good chance he would come through the surgery in good shape and be
back at work in a few months.

A ripple of excitement ran through the staff later that morning when word
came that he was out of surgery, in recovery, and doing fine.

Frannie, the head waitress, let out a war hoop and did a little dance in
the aisle when she heard the good news.

Bell Ringer, one of our regular trucker customers, stared at the sight of
this 50-year-old grandmother of four doing a victory shimmy beside his

Frannie blushed, smoothed her apron and shot Bell Ringer a withering look.

He grinned. 'OK, Frannie , what was that all about?' he asked..

'We just got word that Stevie is out of surgery and going to be okay.'

'I was wondering where he was. I had a new joke to tell him. What was the
surgery about?'

Frannie quickly told Bell Ringer and the other two drivers sitting at his
booth about Stevie's surgery then sighed: 'Yeah, I'm glad he is going to be
OK,' she said. 'But I don't know how he and his Mom are going to handle all
the bills. From what I hear, they're barely getting by as it is.' Bell
Ringer nodded thoughtfully, and Frannie hurried off to wait on the rest of
her tables. Since I hadn't had time to round up a busboy to replace Stevie
and really didn't want to replace him, the girls were busing their own
tables that day until we decided what to do.

After the morning rush, Frannie walked into my office. She had a couple of
paper napkins in her hand and a funny look on her face.

'What's up?' I asked.

'I didn't get that table where Bell Ringer and his friends were sitting
cleared off after they left, and Pony Pete and Tony Tipper were sitting
there when I got back to clean it off,' she said. 'This was folded and
tucked under a coffee cup.'

She handed the napkin to me, and three $20 bills fell onto my desk when I
opened it. On the outside, in big, bold letters, was printed 'Something For

'Pony Pete asked me what that was all about,' she said, 'so I told him
about Stevie and his Mom and everything, and Pete looked at Tony and Tony
looked at Pete, and they ended up giving me this.'
She handed me another paper napkin that had 'Something For Stevie' scrawled
on its outside. Two $50 bills were tucked within its folds. Frannie looked
at me with wet, shiny eyes, shook her head and said simply: 'Truckers!!'

That was three months ago. Today is Thanksgiving, the first day Stevie is
supposed to be back to work.

His placement worker said he's been counting the days until the doctor said
he could work, and it didn't matter at all that it was a holiday. He called
ten times in the past week, making sure we knew he was coming, fearful that
we had forgotten him or that his job was in jeopardy.

I arranged to have his mother bring him to work. I then met them in the
parking lot and invited them both to celebrate his day back

Stevie was thinner and paler, but couldn't stop grinning as he pushed
through the doors and headed for the back room where his apron and busing
cart were waiting

'Hold up there, Stevie, not so fast,' I said. I took him and his mother by
their arms. 'Work can wait for a minute. To celebrate you coming back,
breakfast for you and your mother is on me!'
I led them toward a large corner booth at the rear of the room.

I could feel and hear the rest of the staff following behind as we marched
through the dining room. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw booth after booth
of grinning truckers empty and join the procession. We stopped in front of
the big table. Its surface was covered with coffee cups, saucers and dinner
plates, all sitting slightly crooked on dozens of folded paper napkins
'First thing you have to do, Stevie, is clean up this mess,' I said. I
tried to sound stern.

Stevie looked at me, and then at his mother, then pulled out one of the
napkins. It had 'Something for Stevie' printed on the outside. As he picked
it up, two $10 bills fell onto the table.

Stevie stared at the money, then at all the napkins peeking from beneath
the tableware, each with his name printed or scrawled on it. I turned to
his mother. 'There's more than $10,000 in cash and checks on that table,
all from truckers and trucking companies that heard about your problems..
'Happy Thanksgiving.'

Well, it got real noisy about that time, with everybody hollering and
shouting, and there were a few tears, as well.

But you know what's funny?
While everybody else was busy shaking hands and hugging each other, Stevie,
with a big, big smile on his face, was busy clearing all the cups and
dishes from the table....

Best worker I ever hired.


Jokes for the Old Folks...
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The subject says "Jokes for the old folks," well, I'm sending this on to
you now, for later, when you DO get old.


Happy days
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Silent Fart
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This could happen to any of us one day.


Four Reasons Not to Drive a Small Car via Jean Harris
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Guess the nationality...
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Guess the Nationality...






All  wrong.......  POLISH!

Don't believe it?

Okay, take a look...
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So, what were you thinking?

Keep Smiling! It makes people wonder what you're up to!


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A lexophile of course!

•        How does Moses make tea?   Hebrews it.

•        Venison for dinner again?   Oh deer!

•        A cartoonist was found dead in his home.  Details are

•        I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

•        Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

•        England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

•        I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

•        They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

•        I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

•        Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

•        I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he
can stop any time.

•        I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it
dawned on me.

•        This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.

•        When chemists die, they barium.

•        I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it

•        I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on

•        Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.

•        I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.

•        Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn't control her pupils?

•        When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

•        Broken pencils are pointless.

•        What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A

•       I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

•       All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been
stolen.  The police have nothing to go on.

•       I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

•        Velcro - what a rip off!

•         Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.


What will it do?
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A question that is often asked of someone with a new car is, "What will it

The answer is usually something like "zero to 60 in 3.3 seconds," or
something along those lines.

Well, here's the brand new 2016 Ferrari "458 Italia"
First, here's what it looks like:

And here is what it will do...

Any further questions?   call 1 800 435 ????


Mug Shots with Aunty Acid
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Drones set new World Record
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The Joy of being Queensland Premier
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The Joy of being Queensland Premier

Annastacia Palaszczuk is the Premier of Queensland, Australia. Her annual
take-home-pay is $385,719.
She is the highest paid female political leader in the entire world.

Palaszczuk gets more than these 3 Leaders combined:  $385,719 to $277,216.

Russian President Vladimir Putin take-home-pay is $194,480.

Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi take-home-pay is $43,345.

Chinese President Xi Jinping take-home-pay is $39,391.

Only 4 World Leaders get more than Palaszczuk:  They are

Singapore Prime Minister Lee Hsien take-home-pay is $1,700,000.

Hong Kong Chief Executive Leung Chun-ying take-home-pay is $620,843.

US President Barack Obama take-home-pay is $400,000.

and of course Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull take-home-pay is

Other interesting Leaders take-home pay

British Prime Minister David Cameron take-home-pay is $214,800.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel take-home-pay is $214,400.

Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe take-home-pay is $202,700.

French President Francois Hollande take-home-pay is $194,300.


Walking on Grass
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The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and
will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of
stops, and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember, you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go
walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

This level of sensitivity can't be taught.


Only in Japan
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Japan Railways which operates the country's railway network, has for three
years, picked up only one passenger at Kyu-Shirataki station. She is 17yo
Harada Kana, who will graduate in March, 2016, and the station will then
close. Trade from Kyu-Shirataki station had dramatically fallen, because of
its remote location, and freight service had also ended there as well. In
2012, Japan Railways was getting ready to shut down the station, until they
noticed that it was still being used every day, by the high-schooler. So
they decided to keep the station open for her, until she graduates, from
Hokkaido Engaru High School.

Such is the extra commitment, Japan is willing to take, to ensure a girl
gets her education.


Golf Quotes
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Golf Quotes

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18
years of dealing with him across a desk.
-- Grantland Rice

2. Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf
players become. This is proven by their frequent inability to count past
-- John Updike

3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when
one is playing golf.
-- Robert Lynd

4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of
golf would be played far better than it is.
-- Horace G. Hutchinson

5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more
complicated than that.
-- Gardner D*ckinson

6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf
club, they'd starve to death.
-- Sam Snead

7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
-- William Wordsworth

8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
-- Dean Martin

9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of
you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick
it up.
-- Tommy Bolt

10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally
responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.
-- Bishop Sheen

11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up
-- Arnold Palmer

12. My handicap? Woods and irons.
-- Chris Codiroli

13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag
stick on top.
-- Pete Dye

14. I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting
out of them!
-- Buddy Hackett

15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.
-- Billy Graham

16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong
golf ball.
-- Jack Lemmon

17. It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls, while they are
still rolling.
-- Mark Twain

18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
-- Harry Vardon

19. Golf and s*x are the only things you can enjoy, without being good at
either of them.
-- Jimmy DeMaret

20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters.
-- Ben Hogan

21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I
hit it straight, it's a miracle.
-- Anon

22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve
your lie.
-- George Deukmejian

23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of
a bagpipe.
-- Lee Trevino

24. Reason they call it golf is cuz all the other four-letter words were
-- Woody Woodbury

25. The No. 1 Golf rule you MUST follow: take the car keys, and mobile
phone, out of your golf bag, before you throw it into the creek.
-- Anon


How to occupy the old folks
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How to occupy retired people during the long winter months.

Click on the fly....


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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


[ End friday humour ]

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