Friday humour - January 15, 2016

From Burnout @ Bluehaze
From: Anonymous3

THIS MAY BE ONE OF THE GREATEST COMMERCIALS OF ALL TIME
 Click here

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Re: Dying with Dignity

I have already informed my family that I will not be able to afford an
expensive nursing home,

which would allow me to die with dignity.

Therefore, I have moved to Central America,

where the dollar still goes a long way and I can spend what little money
I still have left during my final years enjoying life and dying with
Dignity!

Oh, and Dignity says to say "Hello!"

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From: Cartographer Chris
Subject: Fw: FW: HALAL would you like fries with that- NO thanks

Hi all. I had to pick something up from Grays Online at Lidcombe
yesterday and on the way back we called into Maccas on the corner of
Parramatta Rd and Silverwater Rd.I got a Quarter Pounder and Erica got some
Crispy Chicken, BLT Burger (Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato) The crispy was some
rectangular things like corn chips but her bacon was cold and sort of pale
and watery.When she questioned it at the counter and said the bacon should
be cooked and a bit crispy, she was informed that they now do the bacon in
the microwave because if they put it on the grill it would contaminate the
other meats and they would lose their HALAL Certification. She then said,
"So I can't have it how we have eaten it all our lives because this
minority say it offends them." The only reply was a shrug of the shoulders
and a comment that this was a HALAL Store.It seems that even the mighty
Maccas have bowed to the Muslim Halal Beast. So next time you get a burger
from
Maccas and wonder why the bacon doesn't taste right, you'll know that it
was thawed out and heated up in the microwave because it offends less that
3% of the population,(according to Google) and they want to keep their
Halal
Certification. I Guess that scratches Maccas off my food list. Maybe a good
thing and I'll lose some weight. Feel free to forward this to whoever you
want. |

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From: Sack
Subject: The Stranger

A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger
who was new to our small town. From the beginning,
Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer
and soon invited him to live with our family. The
stranger was quickly accepted and was around
from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my
family. In my young mind, he had a special niche.
My parents were complementary instructors: Mom
taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey.
But the stranger... he was our storyteller. He would
keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures,
mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history
or science, he always knew the answers about the past,
understood the present and even seemed able to predict
the future! He took my family to the first major league
ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The
stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem
to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of
us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to
say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet.
(I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to
leave.)

Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions,
but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them.
Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home - not
from us, our friends or any visitors. Our long time
visitor,

however, got away with four-letter words that burned my
ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.

My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol but the
stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He
made

cigarettes look cool, cigars manly, and pipes
distinguished.

He talked freely (much too freely!) about s*x. His
comments
were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and
generally

embarrassing..

I now know that my early concepts about relationships
were

influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he
opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom
rebuked

... And NEVER asked to leave.

More than fifty years have passed since the stranger
moved
in with our family. He has blended right in and is not
nearly
as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could
walk into
my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting
over
in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk
and
watch him draw his pictures.

His name?....
We just call him 'TV.'

He has a wife now....we call her 'Computer.'

Their first child is "Cell Phone".

Second child "I Pod "

And JUST BORN A FEW YEARS AGO WAS a Grandchild:

IPAD

Subject: Fw: Poor Ole Bill

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find
out that she's pregnant.

She is furious... Here she is -- in the middle of her election
campaign --now this has happened to her!

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts
screaming: "You bastard! How could you have let this happen? With all
that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I
can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's
all your fault!..... .Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely
audible whisper: "Who's calling?".

From: Sack
+++Subject: =?utf-8?Q?_Peace!_It=E2=80=99s_Wonderful!?=

 Peace! It's Wonderful!

Praise God from whom all blessing flow

Now Santa's ceased his Ho, Ho, Hos\

Praise be that jingle bells have ceased

As have those Christmas break-up feasts.

Lord grant us grace to thankful be

For turkey, ham and pork for tea

All left from over-catered meals

We cooked with oh such festive zeal.

And in the peace we now enjoy

Grant that good sense we may employ

When sales do tempt at Old Year's end

We bear in mind we've nought to spend.

Our credit cards at glance insist

More spending now we must resist

Lest banks demand we pay our debt

And we the threat of gaol do get.

But praise for  friends and rellies too

Who helped us get that Christmas through

Whose love and friendship life do make

A time of happiness, not Wake.

P.Hill (St.leonards)

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From: Seasoldier
Subject:: The Newfie

Felix, a Newfie logger, travels across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean.

He arrives in Nanaimo and likes it so much that he decides to stay.

But first he must find a job. Felix goes to the local MacMillan-Bloedel
office

and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger.

It's his lucky day. Mac-Blo is looking for an experienced logger.

The personnel manager asks Joe, the grumpy bush foreman, to verify
Felix's logging experience.

Joe drives Felix into the forest, stops the truck on the side of the
road,
and points at a tree.

He says, "See that tree over there? What is the species and how many
board feet of lumber does it have?"

Felix replies, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce and she got 383 board feet a'
lumber in 'er."

Joe is impressed. He drives a mile down the road and stops. He points at
a tree and asks the same question.

Felix replies, "Lord tunderin'jasus b'y! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she
got 690 board feet."

Joe is really impressed. Felix answered quickly and got the answers right
without even using a calculator!

One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and Joe stops
at the side of the road.

Joe points to a tree and asks, "And what about that one?"

Felix replies, "A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at most."

Joe spins the truck around and heads back to the office.

He is annoyed because Felix is smarter than he is.

Then he stops the truck and asks Felix to step outside.

Joe hands Felix a piece of chalk and says, "I want you to mark an X on
the front of that tree over there."

As Felix runs towards the tree Joe mumbles to himself, "Idiot! How would
he know the front of a tree?"

Felix reaches the tree, walks around it and looks at the ground.

Then he then reaches up and places a white X on the side that faces the
road.

He runs back to the truck and hands the chalk to Joe.

Felix says, "Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure."

Joe laughs sarcastically and asks, "How in hell do you know that's the
front of the tree?"

Cleaning the toe of his left boot in the gravel, Felix replies, "Cuz
someone took a sh*t behind it!"

Felix got the job.

Subject: : Pepsi's Second Prank---Around Again
Pepsi's Second Prank
Pepsi's first prank was criticized on the Internet to be a fake.  So to
prove the critics wrong, they did another one. This time the victim is one
of the most critical journalists that wrote about their first prank. A must
watch. It's hilarious!
 Click here

Subject: : Cute joke
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced
Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized
She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took
The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted
out,
"Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
Business at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my
Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about s*xuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are
the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best
stamina is the Irish
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I'm
Sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I
don't Even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".

Subject: : Bullsh*t

A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front
teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the
local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE
drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking
advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be
expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is
rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her s*xual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's
and has a rather strong s*x drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-sh*ttin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . "

Subject: Vaseline survey...............................................

Not sure what this s*x stuff is, but I seem to recall something about it!

Vaseline  survey

A  man doing market research knocked on a door and was
greeted  by a young woman with three small
children running  around at her feet.
He says, 'I'm doing some research for  Vaseline.
Have you ever used the product?'

She  says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the  time.'

'And if you don't mind me asking, what  do you use it for?'

'We use it for s*x.'

The researcher was a little taken  back.
'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it  on a
child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate  hinge.
But, in fact, I know that most people do use it  for s*x.
I admire you for your honesty.
Since you've  been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how
you use it
for s*x?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind  telling you at all...

My husband and I put it  on the door knob and it keeps the kids
out.

Subject: No Dentist
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that
when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that
he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said,
"I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled
out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair - try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more
pair. Try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal
and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went
over to thank the man who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office?
I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."

Subject: Priest and Pilot

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.  Ahead
of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather
jacket, and jeans.  Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are
you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of
Heaven?'

The guy replies, 'I' m Bruce, retired airline pilot from
Toronto.'

Saint Peter consults his list.  He smiles and says to the pilot,
'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot
goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn.  He stands erect and booms out, 'I
am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list.  He says to the priest, 'Take this
cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father.  'That man was a pilot and
he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.  How
can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter.  'When you
preached - people slept.  When he flew, people prayed.'

I knew you'd like it!

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: you on here
 Click here

Subject: Exotic travel
My wife and I decided to go on an organised trip to Afghanistan, to see for
ourselves what the place was like.
It didn't start well as the train we were travelling on broke down just a
few miles south of the station.

We found ourselves stranded in a scary hell hole where no one around us
spoke any English.

The train, and surrounding streets were full of Muslims,
angry bearded types glared at us.

The wife stood out in her brightly colored sun-dress,
All the local women were draped in black head to toe, burqas.

We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.

Just then, Jenny our group leader ushered us off the train and round the
corner from Bankstown Station to the bus terminal, where we continued our
journey safely to Sydney Airport

Subject: Australia Post Outrage !

 AUSTRALIA POST OUTRAGE:

This cannot be right?

Something certainly stinks here.

ON AN ABC 7 30 REPORT  WHEN MALCOLM TURNBULL
WAS
EXPLAINING WHY AN INCREASE TO $1 DOLLAR FOR A POSTAGE STAMP WAS NECESSARY
HE
NEVER MENTIONED ANY THING ABOUT THIS EYE OPENER !

Australia Post

Recently Australia Post which is totally
government owned and has been for 200 years, announced the loss of 900
jobs,
being part of a cut back program.

This is due to the decline in letters
beings sent and that's true as email has further reduced letter writing and
in many ways understandably.

The CEO of Australia Post is Ahmed Fahour
who was born in Lebanon and came to Australia in 1970.

In 2009 he was made Managing Director and
CEO of Australia Post.

His salary package was estimated to be
worth $4.8 million last year.   Of this he donated about $2 million to the
Islamic
Museum of Australia located in Melbourne.

I have a big problem with this fellow's
salary package and so let's get some perspective here.

The top ten executives in Australia Post
combined earn around $20 million each year.

That's simply immoral and clearly the CEO
can afford to give away nearly half his takings to an Islamic Museum as he
doesn't need it, and surprise, surprise ....  it's tax deductible.

The founder and director of the Museum is
former Macquarie Bank executive ..., Moustafa Fahour - Ahmed Fahour's
brother.

Moustafa's wife, Maysaa, is the chairwoman
and Director.

The Fahours' sister, Samira El Khafir, is
Head Chef and manages the restaurant on site.

How can the CEO of the Post Office earn so
much,  especially when the postal service is bleeding money from letter
delivery. No employee is worth 5 million a year and especially not from a
government owned business.

The top Federal Public Servants in
Australia have salaries of between $665,600 and $844,800 so how does the
bloke in charge of the Post Office received $4.8 million?  The Prime
Minister of
Australia earns a modest $507,000 considering the real burdens of office,
while the CEO of the Gold Coast Council earning slightly less and that's
patently out of kilter with the PM's package. The Mayor of GCCC brings in
$225,000 so how on earth can the Post Office justify the massive pay of
their CEO?.

Let's look further.  The head of the US
Postal Service with 19 times more staff and 11 times more revenue than
Australia Post receives $550,000.

In France the head of their post office was
paid $1.1 million with a staff compliment of 268,000 employees.

What a country full of mugs are we to sit
by and let all this happen??   I would have run the big game of Post Office
for a lot less and still done a reasonable job and in fact,  if the best of
we seniors applied ourselves we could run the damn Post Office better and
accept a normal salary and a free lunch now and again.

You had better believe it too.

There is an unpleasant and some would say
'sinister' unbalanced agenda in Australia, which in the end preys on the
average citizen, we the people.

We are no longer the lucky country and we
are no longer wealthy and this particular game of Post Office reveals major
fractures and faults on a number fronts in our society and culture.

Who is running the Country, who is pulling
the levers and who is going to win? We the Mugs need to know.

Please pass this on.

Subject: Top Song in Australia
 Click here

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From: Cartographer Chris
Subject:  D*CK SMITH'S AND NIK THE GREEK'S MESSAGES  A WARNING  FROM D*CK
SMITH:
You may be aware that " D*ck Smith " chain franchise stores are being
pressured by the Islamic Council of Australia to gain 'Halal Certification'
otherwise they will be proscribed and banned from Muslim custom. This is
their response: A MESSAGE FROM D*CK SMITH:
"We at D*ck Smith 's have received a number of letters  from people asking
if we will be putting the Muslim Halal logo on our food.
To acquire Halal certification, payment is required to the endorsing body
(the Islamic Council) and involves a number of site inspections of both our
growers and processors in order to ensure that our practices comply with
the conditions of Halal certification.It is important to note that this
does not reflect the quality of the food being processed or sold - it only
means that the products are approved as being  prepared in accordance with
the traditions of the Muslim faith.
We are aware of an increasing number of large companies both in Australia
and overseas, such as Kraft and Cadbury, who have obtained accreditation to
use the Halal logo.  We don't believe they have done this because of any
religious  commitment but rather for purely commercial reasons.  Perhaps
these large organisations can afford to do this.
While we have a choice however, we would prefer to avoid unnecessarily
increasing the cost of our products in order to pay for Halal accreditation
when this money would be better spent continuing to support important
charitable causes where assistance is greatly needed.
We point out that we have never been asked to put a Christian symbol (or
any other religious symbol) on our food requiring that we send money to a
Christian organisation for the right to do so.
Others would add that money paid to ANY Muslim 'organisation' (and you had
better believe it: these people ARE 'organised') can easily find its way
into the hands of Islamic extremist-fanatics and murderers, irrespective of
assurances to the contrary.
What other assurances do we accept from Muslims?
Oh, that's right, 'Islam is a religion of PEACE'!
How less Australian can companies get, than to place money into the hands
of those who seek to exploit us?"
This is an example of how the leaders of Muslims in Aus/NZ are bullying
large commercial organisations (especially in the food industry) into
paying what is no more than blatant extortion money. The amazing part is
that these weak-kneed organisations (Cadbury/ Schweppes/ Nestles/ Kraft
etc.) actually pay the large sums demanded by these self-appointed
religious bureaucrats.
Of course, the manufacturers promptly pass this levy on to  unwitting
consumers as cost increases.  Next time you buy a block of  Cadbury's
chocolate, look for the Halal Certification seal on the wrapper.  So,
regardless of your own religious faith, you end upsubsidizing Islam.
The Council also controls the Muslim voter bloc which, as yet, does not
have sufficient critical mass to make a difference - but give them time.
Several state jurisdictions are under pressure to adopt or permit Sharia
Law in Marriage, Family and Property matters and some, under the delusion
that they are being progressively liberal, are permitting this. This has
already happened in some local authorities in the  U.K.
Google the U.K. Education Department's current investigation into the
conduct of Muslim-run schools in the Birmingham area of  England. How many
more warnings do people need? Check the produce on the shelf and don't buy
anything Muslim extorted. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS RIGHT THROUGH TO THE
END.   NOW for 'Nik' the Greek's message |   A sad state of
affairs.Interesting to see who passes it on, or sticks their head in the
sand..FROM A BLOODY GREEK BASTARD WHO MIGRATED TO
AUSTRALIA IN THE LATE 1940s.This is not funny ..... it's what all of us are
thinking but not saying ...Nik Ziogopoulos states what is fact and what we
all believe.Nik would be in his 70's at least.A GREAT PERSPECTIVE FROM A
'NEW' AUSTRALIAN. -Nik ZiogopoulosI emigrated to Australia over 60 years
ago - On the ship there were Poms, Italians (Spags), Germans (Huns),
Yugoslavs (Yuges), Poles, Ducchys, Ukes (Ukrainians) and Greeks. (Note -
All European people!) all looking forward to starting a new life in
Australia.  I arrived with 30 quid in my pocket and that's all I had to my
name. Did I put my hand out?  Of course not - I got a job and paid my way
just like everyone else who came to this country back then. Now, it's my
taxes that subsidize these people who think they have God's given right
(read Allah) to come here and criticize those of us who have worked for the
country we now call home. If I didn't like what I saw when I got here I
would have gone home - they have the same option.If they don't want to
become an Australian,They can GO BACK
TO WHERE THEY CAME FROM- WE DON'T NEED THEM HERE!!!When will this stop?They
want two of their own public holidays, because Christians have Christmas,
Easter and Good Friday.They force our children to eat Halal Meat Pies and
Sausage Rolls from the school canteens, so the Muslim kids can feel more
Aussie.  We were not consulted about this change - they went ahead and just
did it.Our foods are slowly all becoming Halal foods, our cheeses,
chocolates & even good old Sanitarium foods. Our Government is ALLOWING
this to happen.  It has to stop now, while we still have some power to be
able to stop it.Regarding Our National AnthemI am sorry, but after hearing
they want to sing the National Anthem in Arabic - enough is enough. Nowhere
or at no other time in our nation's history, did they sing it in Italian,
Japanese,
Polish, Irish (Celtic), German, Portuguese, Ukrainian, Greek, or any other
language because of immigration.It was written in English, and should be
sung word for word the way it was written.The news broadcasts even gave the
translation -- not even close.I am not sorry if this offends anyone, this
is
MY COUNTRY.IF IT IS YOUR COUNTRY SPEAK UP - please pass this along.I am not
against immigration, just come through like everyone else.  Get a sponsor;
have a place to lay your head; have a job; pay your taxes, live by the
rules
AND LEARN THE LANGUAGE as all other immigrants have in the past - and LONG
LIVE Australia!!!PART OF THE PROBLEMThink about this:If you don't want to
forward this for fear of offending someoneYOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM!Will
we still be the Country of Choice, and still be Australia if we continueTo
make the changes forced on us by the people from other countriesWho have
come to live in Australia because it is their Country of Choice? Think
about it!IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT.It is Time for Australia
to Speak up!If you agree - pass this along. If you don't agree - delete
it!That's your choice..... So be very aware about constitutional changes
allowing municipal bodies to be recognised ....  |

Subject: A very funny letter from an Aussie to his government..
|  AUSTRALIAN LETTER - I think the sender might have been upset!This is an
actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade)
Immigration Minister.  The Government tried desperately to censure the
author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it couldn't
stop laughing !

Dear Mr Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I
bought a television set and golf clubs and condoms from them back in 1997,
and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on
what date ?

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the
income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years.

It is also on my driver's licence, on the last eight passports I've ever
had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out
before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years.

It's also on all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every
5 years since 1966.

Also...would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's
name is Audrey, my father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely bloody
astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!

SH*T! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to
provide?

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really p*ssed off this morning.

Between you and me, I've had enough of all this bullsh*t!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bloody
address!

What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless
Neanderthal ar*eholes working there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I
can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand
and see my new granddaughter.  (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl).
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh*t whether or not
I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event I ever
got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me,
I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other side of Sydney,
and get another bloody copy of my birth certificate - and to part with
another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to
assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?

Nooooo.that'd be too bloody easy and makes far too much sense.

You would much prefer to have us running all over the bloody place like
chickens with our heads cut off, and then having to find some
'high-society' w*nker to confirm that it's really me in the goddamn photo!
You know the photo...the one where we're not allowed to smile?...you bloody
morons.

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in
'high-society' to confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this country since before 1820! In 1856, one of
my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor.  (You do remember the Eureka
Stockade!)

I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30
years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances.
I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL...Lt General Peter
Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone "important" to
verify who I am; you know...someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND
RAISED IN
BLOODY PAKISTAN!...a country where they either assassinate or hang their
ex-Prime Ministers - and are suspended from the Commonwealth and United
Nations for n ot having the "right sort of government".

You are all pen-pushing paper-shuffling bloody idiots! |

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From: Sack
Subject:  BEST CARICATURES YOU WILL EVER SEE.....
 Click here

Subject:  Suicide  bomber meets his 72 virgins.
 Click here

Subject:   Bring back the Iron Lady! TCH
 Click here

Subject:   think you will enjoy this
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Subject:   lol lol
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject:  who likes charades?
 Click here

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Subject:  Hebrew Ancient Drawings
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Written  across the wall of the cave were the

following  symbols:

It was  considered a unique find and the writings

were said to be at least  3000 years old!

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the

museum, and archaeologists from around the world

came to study  the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting after months of  conferences

to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The  President of the society, who also happened to

be a Greens senator,  pointed to first drawing and
said:

"This is a  woman. We can see these people held women

in high esteem.  You can  also tell they were
intelligent,

as the next symbol is a donkey, so  they were smart
enough

to have animals help them till the  soil.

The next  drawing is a shovel, which means they had

tools to help  them."

Even  further proof of their high intelligence is the
fish

which means that  if a famine hit the earth and food

didn't grow, they seek food from  the sea.

The last  symbol appears to be the Star of David
which

means they were evidently  Hebrews. "

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of
the

room  and said, "Idiots.....Hebrew  is read from
right to left...

It says:

'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on  that Chick!

Subject: Fw: FW: FIVE HORSES - very moving

A man asked an American Indian what was his
wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your
wife.
What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean.............

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!

Subject:  APPLE DOES IT AGAIN !

Apple computer announced today that it has
developed a computer chip that can store and play Hi Fi music in women's
breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499 and $699.00
depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough
because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and
not listening to them.

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From: Wally
Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here
+++ Content:
Links & Photos

The Lie We Live
 Click here

Differences
 Click here

This Bike has MS (Different)
 Click here

Calendhair (Different)
 Click here

Emperor Penguins
 Click here

Bugs Bunny Heaven
 Click here

Crusoe (Celebrity Dachshund )
 Click here


Subject: 12 X Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Subject: Crazy Russians
 Click here
Note - You can see in slow motion, that he doesn't get the last can.

Subject: 17 X Mama Birds
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

There's nothing like the love of a mother.
They  care  for  their  little ones so much,
that  they  sometimes  have  to  sacrifice comfort,energy,time,   
and also themselves,   so  that   they   can  follow their  duty,  in  
the  best   way  possible.
This does not only exist in human beings,
but it is also  clearly seen in wildlife. The following series of photos
capture mama birds doing their job as genuine motherly protectors.

Subject: Elvis in the Army
 Click here

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Quote of the Week:
" On the 23rd July, my lads,
In the year 1916:
We charged for the Pozieres town, my lads,
Through hell on earth we'd been,
We took the trench, we took the wood,
At last we took the town,
The Germans could not throw us back,
Although they mowed us down.
- L/Cpl Ben Champion, A Coy, 1st Btn, AIF.

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[ End friday humour ]

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