Friday humour - January 08, 2016

Gussius @ Bluehaze

Happy New year to all and sundry. Except for women of course. Equality, it
seems, is taking a backward step and is in the news even more these days.
My theory is that is if you treat women as equals, sooner or later they
start to think they really are.

However ladies, if a significant male in your life has allowed you to read
this, then greetings may also be reluctantly extended to you too and other
members of the inferior s*x.

Even though we are a already 15 years into the 21st century, the battle
against equality of the s*xes had a major setback when the Grand Poobah of
Misogyny at Australia Pty Ltd was given the boot and replaced with Malcolm
Turnbull as Prime Minister.

With Sir Knackerless at the helm, the workload of keeping females in their
place falls onto the shoulders of senior ministers like Peter Dutton, who
knows how to denigrate a 'crazy effing witch', but not, apparently, on how
to use a mobile phone.

On the brighter side, the Resistance to Equality Movement saw one of its
best outcomes in years. In 2015, Glamour magazine's Woman of the Year was
won by Caitlyn Jenner, proving once again that men are better at everything
– including being a woman.

So ladies, get over it – and I do mean - nudge, nudge, get over it.

Contributions to start off 2016 flowed in from Arfermo,  Duke of Barsinov, 
Seasoldier,  Wally,  Clooney's Twin,  Sack,  Wally and anon.

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World War 111 In The Planning Stages:

Donald Trump and Marco Rubio are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Trump and Rubio sitting
over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour, what are you
guys doing in here?"
Trump says, "We're planning WW III."

The guy says, "Really, what's going to happen?"
Trump says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde
with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits, why kill a blonde with big
tits?"
Trump turns to Rubio and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a damn about
140 million Muslims."

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Don't look good naked any more:
 Click here

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Longer and wider:

I wanna bigga one!!!
 Click here

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Poem:

A poem by Khuswant Singh at 92!

The horse and the mule live for 30 years,
And know nothing of wines and beers;

The goat and sheep at 20 die
And never get a taste of Scotch and rye..

The cow drinks water by the tonne
And at 18 is mostly done
Without the aid of gin and rum.

The cat in milk and water soaks
And then in 12 short years it croaks.

The modest, sober, bone-dry hen
Lays eggs for others, then dies at 10.

All animals are strictly dry
They sinless live and swiftly die.

But sinful, gin ful, rum-soaked men
Survive for three score years and ten.
And some of them, though very few
Stay pickled till they're 92!

So shed a tear, drink a beer
Celebrate the past, toast the future and have a Happy New Year !!!

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Thee Most Touching Gift
 Click here

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The night before Christmas Aussie Style:

'Twas the night before Christmas; there wasn't a sound.
Not a possum was stirring; no-one was around.
We'd left on the table some tucker and beer,
Hoping that Santa soon would be here;

We children were snuggled up safe in our beds,
While dreams of pavlova danced 'round in our heads;
And Mum in her nightie, and Dad in his shorts,
Had just settled down to watch TV sports.

When outside the house a mad ruckus arose;
Loud squeaking and banging woke us from our doze.
We ran to the screen door, peeked cautiously out,
Snuck onto the deck, then let out a shout.

Guess what had woken us up from our snooze,
But a rusty old Ute pulled by eight mighty roos.
The cheerful man driving was giggling with glee,
And we both knew at once who this plump bloke must be.

Now, I'm telling the truth it's all dinki-di,
Those eight kangaroos fairly soared through the sky.
Santa leaned out the window to pull at the reins,
And encouraged the 'roos, by calling their names.

'Now, Kylie! Now, Kirsty! Now, Shazza and Shane!
On Kipper! On, Skipper! On, Bazza and Wayne!
Park up on that water tank. Grab a quick drink,
I'll scoot down the gum tree. Be back in a wink!'

So up to the tank those eight kangaroos flew,
With the Ute full of toys, and Santa Claus too.
He slid down the gum tree and jumped to the ground,
Then in through the window he sprang with a bound.

He had bright sunburned cheeks and a milky white beard.
A jolly old joker was how he appeared.
He wore red stubby shorts and old thongs on his feet,
And a hat of deep crimson as shade from the heat.

His eyes - bright as opals - Oh! How they twinkled!
And, like a goanna, his skin was quite wrinkled!
His shirt was stretched over a round bulging belly
Which shook when he moved, like a plate full of jelly.

A fat stack of prezzies he flung from his back,
And he looked like a swaggie unfastening his pack.
He spoke not a word, but bent down on one knee,
To position our goodies beneath the yule tree.

Surfboard and footy-ball shapes for us two.
And for Dad, tongs to use on the new barbeque.
A mysterious package he left for our Mum,
Then he turned and he winked and he held up his thumb;

He strolled out on deck and his 'roos came on cue;
Flung his sack in the back and prepared to shoot through.
He bellowed out loud as they swooped past the gates-

MERRY CHRISTMAS to all, and good onya, MATES!'

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I LOVE SCIENTIFIC STUFF: (x and a half)

I watched this for 6 minutes and then I realized the clip is only 7 seconds
long .....HA!

How gravity works -
 Click here

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Now You Know : (X)
 Click here

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New year resolution:
 Click here

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Left overs from New Years eve parties:

Party pooper
 Click here

Pole dancer
 Click here

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My dog is having an effing goodyear:
 Click here

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How to fix anti-vaxers - sedate them first:
 Click here

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Get fit ya fat bastards; nice eyes:
 Click here Click here

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NY resolutions:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Wiggle, wiggle you tart:
 Click here

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EXCELLENT NEW ENGLISH WORD:

Every once in a while somebody hits it right out of the park......This is
not yet found in the Oxford dictionary,
So it was "Googled" and discovered to be a recently "coined" new word found
on T-shirts on eBay: Read this one over slowly and absorb the facts that
are within this definition!
Finally, a brand new word to describe our Future.
A Perfect Fit (for the brain impaired)
 Click here

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Grandad remembers:
 Click here

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You know when it's HOT when . . :
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Climate Change is a World Priority:
 Click here

Please be assured that the recent climate change meeting in Paris had
everyone's undivided attention ;

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Hooter's Stop:
 Click here

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at âHooter'sâ to see
some friends and have some hot Wings and drinks.
After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I
would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators."

I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.

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Shower Soap Survey: xx

I asked 100 women, what their favourite soap in the shower was.

The most popular response was -
 Click here
How the F*ck did you get in here?

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A kiss is just a kiss …:
 Click here

WINNING TATTOO FROM THE BAMBOO LOUNGE IN MELBOURNE AUSTRALIA

This Won't Be Seen On The TV Talent Shows.

IS THIS WHERE THE EXPRESSION KISS MY AR*E STARTED???

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Signs:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Condoms in the News Stories:

A German man died on Christmas Day, after blowing up a condom dispenser
with a homemade bomb, in a botched robbery, police say..

The 29-year-old and two accomplices, attached the bomb to the vending
machine in a quiet street, before taking cover in their vehicle.

But the victim did not close the door in time, and was struck in the head,
by a steel shard from the explosion.

His accomplices took him to hospital, but he later died of his wounds.

The men told staff at the hospital in the western town of Schoppingen, near
the Dutch border, that their unconscious friend had fallen down the stairs.
Suspicious of their story, hospital officials called the police.

But one of them later admitted to police, that they had blown up the
machine.

During questioning, police said, one of them admitted that the three had
blown up the condom machine, and that their fellow conspirator was hit in
the head by metal as he tried to take cover

Police confirmed that none of the money or condoms from the machine, had
been taken.

The two surviving men were arrested, before later being released on bail.
 Click here


A giant pink condom has been placed over a Sydney landmark, as part of a
new campaign to raise awareness about HIV.

The 18 metre sheath will cover a heritage-listed obelisk in Hyde Park until
Wednesday.

Some members of the public voiced their backing for the installation, but
others seemed less than impressed.
 Click here


Authorities in Papua New Guinea, are investigating a video, purporting to
show a police officer, forcing a woman to eat condoms.

The video, posted on several PNG Facebook groups, and viewed by ABC's
Pacific Beat program, shows a woman being bullied by at least one man who
is off-camera.

The man abuses the woman, and threatens to put her in a police cell, if she
refuses to unwrap and eat two condoms.

It is alleged the incident happened at a police station in Goroka in
Eastern Highlands Province.

PNG's police media unit said, it was unclear who the man and woman are, and
if police were involved.

It said the nation's police commissioner was very concerned by the video,
and had ordered an immediate investigation.

The media unit said if a police officer was found to have been involved
they would be dealt with accordingly.
 Click here


The controversy over the potential release date of much anticipated pure
silicone anal, male, and female condoms continues.

Legal battles between Origami condom inventor Daniel Resnic, his former
employee, and the National Institute of Health (NIH) rages on.

Designed for use during specific s*x acts, like receptive anal s*x, these
body-safe, non-rolled and hypoallergenic Origami brand condoms have been on
the forefront of every safe s*x loving person who is looking for an
alternative to traditional male latex condoms.

Originally set to be released in July, 2015, Origami condoms have been
developed using the $2.4 million of government funds, granted to them
through the NIH from money supplied by American taxpayers.

So how did the inventor of these new and innovative condoms, and one of his
employees, end up in the courtroom? Massive embezzlement of funds. The only
remaining question is, who took these funds?
 Click here


Shortages are affecting people in Venezuela in a more personal way.
Consumers have been complaining that condoms are nowhere to be found.
Shortages that first affected the dining table, have now made their way
into the bedroom.


After visiting 14 pharmacies in Caracas, the Venezuelan capital. 13 had no
condoms at all, and the other one had two boxes, with 10 condoms in each.
They were both for sale at 4,760 bolivars, or $755 at the official exchange
rate. Thatâs $75.50 per condom. It's also 85% of the Venezuelan monthly
minimum salary, currently standing at 5,602 bolivars.

President Nicolas Maduro announced, his government built a condom factory,
to supply the domestic market, but pharmacy managers say quality has not
been what their customers demand, and production levels are not meeting
domestic demand either.

Magdymar Leon, a coordinator at the Venezuelan Association for an
Alternative S*xual Education, says public health experts worry the scarcity
of contraception methods might have long-term consequences, and the
individual doesn't have the means to control a decision to have children or
not. That right is lost. On the other hand, the ability to protect oneself
from s*xually transmitted diseases is also lost.

A World Health Organization study shows Venezuela has the highest teen
pregnancy rate out of 21 Latin American countries.

The HIV infection rate, at 1.6% of the general population, is also a
serious concern for public health analysts, a risk than can only increase,
unless Venezuelan authorities take measures to address shortages of
contraception methods.
 Click here

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Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

The Christmas Light Killer
 Click here

2040 Ferrariâs
 Click here

National Geographicâs Best 20 Photos of 2015
 Click here

Corning Museum of Glass
 Click here

Walls of Change
 Click here

Best Fails of 2015 (Part 1  Language XXX)  Click here

Best Fails of 2015 (Part 2  Language XXX)
 Click here

Grammar Test
 Click here

iGun
 Click here

Apple Phone
 Click here

2015 Best Weather Bloopers
 Click here

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Old Woman:

There is a huge house in our street.

The extended family is run by an old woman, with a pack of irritable dogs
allowed to run without a leash.

Her car doesn't even have a number plate, but the police do nothing.

To the best of my knowledge, she has never had a regular job in her life,
and her bad-tempered husband is notorious for his racist comments.

A shopkeeper blamed her for arranging the murder of her son's ex-wife and
her boyfriend, but nothing has ever been proved.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone
thinks is gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the army, but are always out partying in
nightclubs.

One of them got married and seems to be settling down, but the second is
out of control. It is not even known if they have the same father.
 Click here

I hate living near Buckingham Palace.

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Mountain Goat 1 - Eagle 0:
 Click here
 Click here

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Anybody Hungry?:
 Click here Click here

Anybody Hungry and live in Massachusetts?
Army researchers are conducting a study, to try to improve the
healthfulness of MREs (meals, ready-to-eat), and they're looking for
volunteers.

To qualify to participate, you need to live near Natick, Massachusetts, and
be willing to eat MREs (and nothing but MREs), for 21 days.

But the researchers say the lack of variety won't really be that bad,
because they've managed to come up with a book of recipes, using only MRE
ingredients. Recipes include "everything from specialty beverages ('Canteen
Irish Cream Latte'), to main dishes ('Bunker Hill Burritos'), to desserts
('Fort Bliss-ful Pudding Cake')."

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[ End friday humour ]

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