Friday humour - December 18, 2015


FRIDAY HUMOUR

A plethora of humour emanating from the crew here at Blue Haze.  Including
Arfermo, Duke of Barsinov, GROPWO, Havarum, KRP, Sack, Seasoldier, Wally
and Whizzbang!

Time to look at the lighter side...

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Winter Fuel Payment

Just so as any UK Pensioners out there know!

About this time of the year, older UK taxpayers will again be receiving
another 'Winter Fuel' payment and maybe the £10 bonus payment. This is
indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A
format:
Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel' payment?
A. It is money that the government will send to tax paying State Pensioners

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and
electricity...or a high-definition flat screen TV set, thus     stimulating
the economy
Q. But isn't buying a TV set stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up

Here is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by
spending your 'Winter Fuel' cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar,
Ireland & Luxemburg
*If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein
*If you spend it on eBay your money will go Ireland
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or
Morocco
* If you spend it on 'cheap' cigs it will end up in Rumania or Bulgaria
* If you give it to Oxfam 20% only will go abroad and 80% will remain in
the hands of the administrators, who will spend it on fact finding missions
to Cayman Islands, Thailand & Mauritius.
* If you buy a foreign car it will go to Japan, Germany, France, India or
Korea .
* If you buy a British car it will go to Japan, Germany or India .
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management
bonuses and they will hide it offshore

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales or charity shops
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on call girls
4. Buying cider, beer or scotch
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie (These are the only UK businesses still operating in
the U.K.)

Conclusion:

Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot
sale and drink beer day and night!
It's the patriotic thing to do.
No need to thank me....just glad I could be of help!

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Global facts about S*x

At Any Given Moment:
FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in s*x - right now!

FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having s*x.

FACT:
1 elderly person is reading emails.

You hang in there, Sunshine ..........

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Driving Home from Holiday Events

    With the holidays close upon us, I would like to share a personal
experience with  my friends about drinking and driving.  As you know, some
of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to 
time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or
friends.    Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an
evening with friends and had  more than several whiskies followed by a
couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and vodka shots. Although
relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was  slightly over the
limit.  That's when I did something I've never done before - I took a taxi
home!  Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it
was a taxi they waved  it past and I arrived home safely without incident. 
This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I
 don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know
what to do with it.  So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.

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Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old
friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the
hospital I visited her at home.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can sit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend. Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well,
when can I see the baby?''

'When he CRIES!' she told me. 'When he CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have
to wait until he CRIES?'

'Because I forgot where I put him, OK!!' |

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Australian Barber

An old drover walks into the barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, Northern
Territory for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all
his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the
old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's
finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd
had in years but, he asked, "Isn't it a bit dangerous? What would happen if
I accidentally swallowed it? "
The barber replied, "No sweat mate, just bring it back in a couple of days
like everyone else does."

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Merry Christmas and be woeful of the tale below.

Company Memo
FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE:  November 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.  And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will
be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that
time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO
will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE:  November 2, 2012
RE:   Gala  Holiday  Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. 
We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, 
we're calling it our "Holiday Party."  The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating
Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols
will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy
now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

 Company Memo
FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 3, 2012
RE:  Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name... I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that  reads, "AA
Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are
allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the
executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty

Company Memo
FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 4, 2012
RE: Generic  Holiday  Party What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea
that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! 
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not
accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can
hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package
everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.  Will that
work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to
the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not
have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there
will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking
permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be
allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. 
Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be
available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control
the amount of salt used in the food.  The Grill House suggests that people
with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low
sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply
"no sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

Company Memo
FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE:  November 5, 2012
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pr*cks!!!  We're going to keep this party
at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at
the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,
and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you
know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.  I've
heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you
f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:  November 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and  Holiday  Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards
to her at the asylum. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full
pay.
Happy Whatever!
Joan

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Gun Control
Very accurate and funny.

Jim Jeffries with an insight into Americans and gun control

Part 1
 Click here

Part 2
 Click here

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The Story of Mohammed
 Click here

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Amused Orang-Outang
 Click here

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German Wonderland

Remember the two brothers, in Germany, who had a wonderful model railway
that was something to see?  This is an update for their German Wonderland.
Enjoy. There have been little clips about this place for the past few
years, it is still not finished but is growing to that conclusion as they
will soon run out of space.

A short review, it was started by two brothers as a place to show their
hobby, it started growing by leaps & bounds.  Soon they were joined by
other 'Model Railroad Clubs' and other craftsmen. Some were electricians,
model makers, Carpenters, computer programmers. Their wives would stop by
to see what they were doing and usually bring them a lunch.

One thing led to another. Three of the ladies had worked at a bakery,
several visitors would ask if they had a snack bar. The Idea was planted;
some of the carpenters came and built a nice restaurant area for the bakery
and a kitchen too. If the fresh Coffee smell didn't get you then the bakery
definitely would.

This was about 5 years ago. One of the Breweries came and furnished all of
the tables and chairs, serving counter and, etc. Their latest finished area
is the airport. Planes look like they are flying and landing.

GERMAN WONDERLAND link below - AMAZING
 Click here

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If Women Only Trusted Their Husbands

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

For example...
A wife comes home late one evening, and quietly opens the door to the
Master Bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts whacking the blanket as hard as
she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a
drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, leaning on the counter, reading
a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit, so l let 'em stay
in our bedroom.

Did you say "hello"?
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MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically 
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'. Willing to try anything,
I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing
it between my breasts.
'How long will this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years', my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?
'Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your rear end, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great  deal of therapy, he may even walk
again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.
Stupid, stupid man.

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"A Touching Christmas Story"

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall
was packed.
Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her
husband was nowhere around and she was very upset because they had a lot to
do.
She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to
ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice said... "Honey remember the jewellery store we
went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace
that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one
day?.."

His wife said crying "Yes, I remember that jewellery store" & she sobbed.
He said, "Well I'm in the bar next to it..."

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The Bike...

Just wanted to lighten your day..........lol

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission
in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, in their
language, when he realizes that the one thing he never really taught them
much was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and
says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a
rock."
The chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears
a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of
heavy s*xual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly says, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them
both.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

And the chief replied, "My bike."

ENJOY YOUR DAY and remember to keep off the main roads when riding somebody
else's bicycle.

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The Widow and the Cowhand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was  a very attractive woman and determined to keep the ranch,

But knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place

An ad  in the newspaper for a ranch hand.


Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.


She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she

Decided to  hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have

Him around the house  than the drunk.


He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and

Knew a lot about ranching.


For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was  doing very well.


Then one day the

Rancher's' widow said to the hired hand, "You have

Done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.

You should go  into town and kick up your heels."


The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Sat*rday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and

No hired hand.  Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon
Entering the room, he found  the rancher's widow sitting by the

Fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.


She quietly called him over to her.


"Unbutton my  blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.


"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.


"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.


"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.


"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.


"And now take off my thong", and he dropped it to the floor.


Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."


( P.S. - Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either... )

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Christmas cheer

Amazing!  This will surely put a smile on your face!!

Merry Christmas!

The way Europe  & the World should be.

This Looks Like A Normal Grocery Store, But When The Lights Go Out?
Awesome.
It took a team of cashiers, 13 different hidden cameras and a whole lot
Christmas spirit to pull off this epic holiday surprise!
Edeka, Germany's largest supermarket chain, decided to surprise its
shoppers with a seasonal treat. In an attempt to liven up the otherwise
boring chore of grocery shopping, these cashiers opted to delight their
patient shoppers with a choreographed orchestra that beeped the holiday
classic, "Jingle Bells."
 Click here

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I rest my case !!

ITALIAN LEGAL SYSTEM - DIVORCE CASE HEARING!
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Italy, but
the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her
feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children
into this world,  she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted
custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story. 
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied: 
"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes
out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"

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Christmas joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook
them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what
do those symbolise?'


The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

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Life In the Australian Army

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of 
you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of  Quilpie in the far
south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the
Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody
quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down
at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like
sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine
ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to
feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower  though, but its
not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya
doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or
goanna stew like wot Mum makes You don't get fed again until noon and by
that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been  on a 'route
march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock
paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting
medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's
ar*e and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did
when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the  Ekka last
year! All ya gotta do is  make yourself comfortable and hit the target -
it's a piece of p...!! You don't  even load your own cartridges, they comes
in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar
of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys  and I gotta be real careful
coz they break easy - it's not  like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack
and Boori and  Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the
muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the
platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the
Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the
shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,
but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the  boozer.

I can't complain about the Army -  tell the boys to get in quick before
word gets around how bloody good  it is.

Your  loving daughter,

Susan

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Irish art

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a
portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three
black men totally naked, sitting on a  bench. Two of the figures had black
penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the
gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting
and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour
explaining how it depicted the s*xual emasculation of African Americans in
a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out,
'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the
cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary
society'. After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and
said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' 'Now why
would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery,
asked the couple?  'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he
replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're
just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

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 Chinese tour guide in Shanghai

There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai , I
asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile
number, so I could call her to make arrangements.
She got excited and said:
"s*x s*x s*x, wan free s*x for tonigh"
Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!
But then, my friend interpreted it for me and told me what she really said
:

666136429

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Shopping in Texas
 Click here

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Canadian chainsaw work

This one's good.

This is how it's done!
If you think you can drop a tree, this is worth watching. Takes about three
minutes.
 Click here

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Links

2015 Best of the Web
 Click here

$15 Million Mansion
 Click here

Silent Night (Goat Edition)
 Click here

Rural China
 Click here

Coca Cola Christmas Ad
 Click here

Little Yellow Aeroplane (Leapy Lee from 1969)
 Click here

Turkeys attack Mailman Every Day
 Click here

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Nomen Est Omen
 Click here
His parents certainly knew what they wanted him to be.

(Newcastle Herald 12 Dec 2015).

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Bridge & Underground V3.pdf
 Click here

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Bugger the Parking inspector !!!
 Click here

This is what you can do when they put a wheel clamp on your car for a
parking offence

Give that man a case of Beer ...

JUST PUT THE CLAMPED WHEEL IN THE BOOT,
TAKE IT HOME, AND CUT IT OFF LATER !

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Now That's An Engine!!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

The Wartsila-Sulzer RTA96-C turbocharged two-stroke diesel engine is the
most powerful and most efficient prime-mover in the world today. The Aioi
Works of Japan 's Diesel United, Ltd built the first engines and is where
some of these pictures were taken. It is available in 6 through 14 cylinder
versions, all are inline engines. These engines were designed primarily for
very large container ships. Ship owners like a single engine/single
propeller design and the new generation of larger container ships needed a
bigger engine to propel them. The cylinder bore is just under 38" and the
stroke is just over 98". Each cylinder displaces 111,143 cubic inches (1820
liters) and produces 7780 horsepower. Total displacement comes out to
1,556,002 cubic inches (25,480 liters) for the fourteen cylinder version.

Some facts on the 14 cylinder version:

Total engine weight: 2300 tons (The crankshaft alone weighs 300 tons.)

Length: 89 feet

Height: 44 feet

Maximum power: 108,920 hp at 102 rpm

Maximum torque: 5,608,312 lb/ft at 102rpm

Fuel consumption at maximum power is 0.278 lbs per hp per hour (Brake
Specific Fuel Consumption). Fuel consumption at maximum economy is 0.260
lbs/hp/hour. At maximum economy the engine exceeds 50% thermal efficiency.
That is, more than 50% of the energy in the fuel in converted to motion.
For comparison, most automotive and small aircraft engines have BSFC
figures in the 0.40-0.60 lbs/hp/hr range and 25-30% thermal efficiency
range.

Even at its most efficient power setting, the big 14 consumes 1,660 gallons
of heavy fuel oil per hour.

A cross section of the RTA96C:

The internals of this engine are a bit different than most automotive
engines.
The top of the connecting rod is not attached directly to the piston. The
top of the connecting rod attaches to a "crosshead" which rides in guide
channels. A long piston rod then connects the crosshead to the piston.
This is done so the sideways forces produced by the connecting rod are
absorbed by the crosshead and not by the piston. Those sideways forces are
what makes the cylinders in an auto engine get oval-shaped over time.

Installing the "thin-shell" bearings. Crank & rod journals are 38" in
diameter and 16" wide:

The crank sitting in the block (also known as a "gondola-style" bedplate).
This is a 10 cylinder version. Note the steps by each crank throw that lead
down into the crankcase:

A piston & piston rod assembly. The piston is at the top. The large square
plate at the bottom is where the whole assembly attaches to the crosshead:

Some pistons:

And some piston rods:

The "spikes" on the piston rods are hollow tubes that go into the holes you
can see on the bottom of the pistons (left picture) and inject oil into the
inside of the piston which keeps the top of the piston from overheating.
Some high-performance auto engines have a similar feature where an oil
squirter nozzle squirts oil onto the bottom of the piston.

The cylinder deck (10 cylinder version). Cylinder liners are die-cast
ductile cast iron. Look at the size of those head studs!:

The first completed 12 cylinder engine:

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Only in India
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Apology From Your Hospital...
 Click here

DEAR SIR

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis
showed it was not cancerous.

It was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation.

Merry Christmas!

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THE MAN WHO GAVE UP S*X FOR GOLF

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple
of strokes.
"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,
"Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your s*x life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless,
the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says,
"Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again,
"Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers,
"Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your s*x life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything the stranger quickly moves a long
side of the golfer and says,
"Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your s*x life?"


"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside
him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you,
because you don't know who I am. I'm the Devil, and from this day forward
you will have no s*x life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley.

And I thank you for a great game."

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WHEN NATURE GOES BAD.....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

WHEN NATURE GOES BAD..... OR SOMEBODY'S IMAGINATION GONE WILD

Gotta give credit to whoever looked at this tree and saw this image,

If you aren't laughing, you aren't living!

OH COME ON NOW, SOME OF THEM WERE FUNNY!


Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we`re here we should
dance!!

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Senior eye test.......
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Senior eye test.......

Relax, it’s just a ceiling

Shirley Computer Services Ltd. Company No. 3519890, registered in England
and Wales; registered office as above.
This email is confidential. If you have received it in error please notify
the sender and delete it as soon as possible.
Any opinions expressed are those of the author and not necessarily those of
SCS unless specifically stated.
Unless otherwise noted, any prices quoted are in British pounds, exclude
VAT, and are valid for 14 days.
SCS cannot guarantee the accuracy or completeness of this email after it is
sent over the Internet.
SCS has virus protection but cannot be held responsible for the effects of
a virus or other malicious program.

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Drive Alone ...
 Click here

I had a flat tire on Highway 17 yesterday so I pulled over, got out of the
car, and opened my trunk.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them, and stood them at the rear of
my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe
it!

Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men, which
made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road.

People honked and waved and it wasn't long before a police car pulled up
behind me.

The police officer wanted to know what the heck I was doing, so I calmly
explained that I was changing my flat. He told me he could see that, but
demanded to know what my cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of
my car.

I couldn't believe he didn't know!  So I told him.

"They're my Emergency Flashers!!!!"

I go to court in January.

Damn Police.  No sense of humour!

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Christmas Stamps
 Click here

Ho-Ho-Ho!

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Sports Advertising

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as real
Football player.

They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.
On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?"  the lady questions.

"Oh , I have this ,so that when I'm on TV,
people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that
says NIKE.

'What's that?'  the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."
Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says
AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies:  "No, no...!!!   Calm down...!!!


It will say ADIDAS in a minute."

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Old Persons Test
 Click here Click here

Watch Closely

Are the patterns  moving ?

Or are they perfectly  still ?

The patterns are used to test the level of stress a person can  handle.

The slower the pictures move, the better your ability of handling stress
...

Alleged criminals, nut jobs and the insane that were tested see them
spinning around madly ...

However, senior citizens and kids see them standing still.

None of these images are animated - they are perfectly still.

If you did NOT see any movement in the patterns, look closely at the
following photo.

Senior citizens ...  If you don't see movement in this photo,

Call an Ambulance..

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Trip the Light Fantastic with Mike Harding (Excellent)
 Click here

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Ad for Fast Internet Connection
 Click here

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Golf Blunders
 Click here

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Jingle Bells
 Click here

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Survey

In a recent survey carried out for Brut, a leading toiletries firm,
Aboriginal men from Darwin, Australia, have proved to be the most likely to
have had s*x in the shower.

In the survey, 86% of Darwin's inner city male Aboriginal residents said,
that they have enjoyed s*x in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

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Military Wives Choir - 500 Miles
 Click here

The song supports Walking With the Wounded's Walking Home For Christmas
campaign

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Little Boy
 Click here

Italian toy maker Brumm normally makes miniature models of fancy sports
cars. But in 2006, the company decided to release models of the Fat Man and
Little Boy atomic bombs, dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. They sold, at
the time, for around $10, but now go for around $36, if you can find any in
stock.

When the company debuted them at the International Toy Fair in Nuremberg,
the bomb models generated a lot of controversy. The media described them
as, Atomic bombs for the children's bedroom, and critics said they were in
poor taste.

The company defended itself, insisting that its intent was to provide a
small historical contribution, so as not to forget what generated the worst
catastrophe of the twentieth century, and that the bomb models were
actually a protest against the insanity of nuclear war.

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Porsche Mission E
 Click here Click here

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Frankfurt Landing
 Click here

(Wait for the noise at the end, and you will see why he was running ...
Wally)

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The Sultan of Brunei's Cars
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

The Sultan of Brunei and members of his family are some of the richest
individuals in the entire world. At its largest, his car collection was
said to number in excess of 7,000 cars, including many one-offs,
that  were  custom-built.  Here  are  11 highly unusual cars from the
collection:

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

The Dance of the Peac*ck Spider (Amazing)
 Click here

MV Greenland
 Click here

Bubbles (Brilliant)
 Click here

Near Misses (Best is at 1.01)
 Click here

Crosswinds (Oldie, but a Goodie)
 Click here

Europe
 Click here

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SkyDeck
 Click here Click here Click here

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Star Wars Christmas Lights
 Click here

Israel Defence Force
 Click here

The Man has Talent
 Click here

Adele & Ellen
 Click here

Dogs on Deployment
 Click here

2 Creepy Girls
 Click here

Plane Poop
 Click here

Friends Forever (Oldie, but a Goodie)
 Click here

Adams Farwell
 Click here

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The Joys of Playing Bingo
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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How old is your father?

Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.
Logic!!
Children Are Quick and Always Speak Their Minds
                            _____________________
TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA:        Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct.  Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:        Maria.
                            _____________________
TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:      Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I  Love this child)
                            _____________________
TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:    H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O
                            ______________________
TEACHER:      Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as
your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE  :        No sir, It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
                            ___________________
TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:    A teacher
                            ______________________________
PASS  IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH!
LAUGHTER  IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!

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[ End friday humour ]

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