Friday humour - December 11, 2015

From Burnout @ bluehaze:

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Re: Sign Language
Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR
WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE
1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T
WORK).

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Subject: Re: If you want a tree cut down get a Canadian to do it.

If a tree falls in British Columbia and there are two Canadians working at
cutting it down, does it crush a house? WOW!!! WATCH!!!
 Click here

A joy to watch. Let’s be together
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Fw: Voted Best Joke in Ireland

Patrick O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Colleen, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
Patrick said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Pat," said Herself.

The next day, Colleen ran into one of Pat's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Patrick won the prize the
other night at the pub with a toast about you, Colleen."

She said, "Aye, Himself told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been in there twice in the last ten years. "Once I had to
pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO SEND THIS ON. .

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From: Haz
Subject: best ad this christmas
 Click here

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From: Haz
Subject: Fwd: Old Cemeteries

A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries...

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young.
=============================
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8,
1767 =============================
In a Ribbesford, England cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada cemetery:
Here lays The Kid,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,  England cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went   out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,  Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket,  Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod,
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================

THIS ONE IS EXTREMELY WELL WRITTEN.

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went

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From: Sack
Subject: Touchee

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

 The girl replied, in a loud voice
"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was  deeply
embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and
said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking;
I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice:
 "£250 FOR ONE NIGHT? .... I`M NOT PAYING THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Fw: Phil's storybook

Phil's Story - Possibly the Funniest Clean Story of the Year
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise
for answered  prayers.
Suzie Smith  stood and walked to the podium.  She said, "I have a praise.
Two  months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his
scrotum  was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors
 didn't know if they could help  him."
You could hear a  muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that  poor Phil must have  experienced.
"Phil was  unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move
caused him  terrible pain.  We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed
remnants of Phil's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men  in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as
they imagined the  horrible surgery performed on  Phil.
"Now," she  announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of
the hospital  and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover
 completely."
All the  men sighed with unified relief.  The pastor rose and tentatively
asked  if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and  walked slowly to the  podium.  He said, "I'm Phil."

The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the
word is sternum."

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Subject: Circ*mcised'

For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the
things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken
literally.....

'Circ*mcised' (this is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of class was scratching his
crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going
on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circ*mcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the
principal's office.
He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the
back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his
'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said. 'I did,' he said,
'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come
and pick me up from school.

----------------------

Subject: Pondersims

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?

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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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What disease did cured ham actually have?

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?

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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.

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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?

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Can a hear*e carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME cr*p, why didn't he
just buy dinner?

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

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Why Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

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IF YOU GO TO HEAVEN AND HAVE WINGS, WHAT IF YOU ARE SCARED OF HEIGHTS?

Subject: Onions and Christmas tree

  A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many
kinds of b*obs are there?"

  The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
b*obs.  In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.  In her 30s
to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.  After 50, they
are like onions."

  "Onions?"

  "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

  This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,  "Mum, how
many kinds of "willies" are there?"

  The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man  goes
through three phases.  In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty
and hard.  In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. 
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree."

  "A Christmas tree?"  "Yes.  The tree is dead, and the balls are just for
decoration."

HELLO, IS THIS THE VETERINARIAN?

A woman  whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her
neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.She had a large
house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.  However, as she
was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and
unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.  Unable to
separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late,
she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and
place it down alongside the dogs.  I will then call you back and the noise
of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to
withdraw."

Do you really think that will work?" she asked.

Just worked for me," he replied.

Subject: umour

The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available
in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a
power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning
to the names of c*cktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff
drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day.......There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by
2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky b*obs, huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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From: Wally
Subject: 49 X True but Funny Names

49 X True but Funny Names
 Click here

Subject: Daily Newsletter AeroInside (5th December)

Bad time to be flying, hit a boar, dog, bus, another plane, and lost some
engine parts.
AeroInside.com - Daily Update
Dear newsletter subscriber of AeroInside.com,
We have assembled the most interesting stories of the last 24h. Thank you
for your visit!

Spicejet DH8D at Jabalpur on Dec 4th 2015, boar strike, runway excursion,
left main gear collapsed

A Spicejet de Havilland Dash 8-400, registration VT-SUC performing flight
SG-2458 from Mumbai to Jabalpur (India) with 49 passengers and 4 crew, was
landing at Jabalpur at 19:30L (14:00Z) when a herd of 30-40 boars strayed
onto the runway prompting...

THY B738 at Istanbul on Dec 3rd 2015, dog strike
A THY Turkish Airlines Boeing 737-800, registration TC-JHL performing
flight TK-1450 from Porto (Portugal) to Istanbul (Turkey) with 68
passengers, landed on Istanbul Ataturk Airport's runway 05 when a dog
crossed the runway and was hit by the...

Emirates B772 at Moscow on Mar 6th 2011, dropped engine parts

An Emirates Airlines Boeing 777-200, registration A6-EMH performing flight
EK-132 from Moscow Domodedovo (Russia) to Dubai (United Arab Emirates), was
departing Moscow's Domodedovo Airport when a loud bang was heard. The
aircraft continued...

Lufthansa B748 at Frankfurt on Aug 11th 2015, damaged airport busses and
injures bus passenger
A Lufthansa Boeing 747-800, registration D-ABYJ performing flight LH-403
from Newark,NJ (USA) to Frankfurt/Main (Germany), had safely landed on
Frankfurt's runway 25L and was taxiing to its gate C15 via taxiway N. While
turning left off taxiway N...

Ryanair B738 at Bremen on Aug 3rd 2015, go around on very short final due
to Cessna taxiing onto runway
A Ryanair Boeing 737-800, registration EI-DPG performing flight FR-3632
from London Stansted,EN (UK) to Bremen (Germany) with 172 passengers and 6
crew, was on short final to Bremen's runway 09 descending through about 150
feet AGL when a Cessna 172...
Subject: For Car Buffs

CAR BUFFS THIS IS FOR YOU!

You will never see an email like this, keep it in your doc*ment file and
watch the many old car movies, this is a classic, if you are a car buff
this is extraordinary. You will spend hours going over this, no matter what
brand of car you enjoyed, it's referenced in this line up. Once you start
watching this, it is like a drug, you can’t stop.

(Enjoy, click on the video camera next to each item to view.)
 Click here

Subject: Blonde Inventions
​
Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlights

Submarine screen doors

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart boards

A dictionary index

Mechanical Pencil sharpener

Powdered water

Pedal-powered wheel chairs

Waterproof tea bags

Watermelon seed sorter

Zero proof alcohol

Reusable ice cubes

See-through toilet tissue

Skinless bananas

Do-it-yourself road map

Turnip ice cream

Toe implants

An all white flag

Rolls Royce pickup truck

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: This is the ONLY, 'Adams-Farwell' automobile left in existence
 Click here

This is the ONLY, 'Adams-Farwell' automobile left in existence.
They were made in Dubuque, Iowa, between 1890-1913. That is really unique!
(The Crankshaft is stationary and engine spins) It never caught on in
automobiles, but its fun to watch.
Air cooled, of course.

Subject: Make you smile

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million
tonnes of sand from
The Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

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My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a
pint of milk & never
Come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that
powdered stuff."

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The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

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Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put
a name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!"

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Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his
feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
“I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."

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Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them
away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: For France

Only one word WOW
 Click here
--

+++ Subject: SCARY in Euope
​View and weep......this is now reality!! frightening
 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: FANTASTIC CLASSIC CARS PLUS  MOVIE GREATS
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Billy Bunter of Adelaide (XXX _ ED)
Subject: Google calendar scam
The 2016 Google calendar is now out.

Don't buy it.

It is a scam......!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

See....!

What did I tell you?

No months. No days.

A real scam !

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Thanksgiving dinner
 Click here

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Quote of the Week:

“I am convinced that there are no troops in the world to equal the
Australians in cool daring, courage and endurance.”

• John MONASH
• writing from Gallipoli.

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[ End friday humour ]

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