Friday humour - December 04, 2015

Gussius @ Bluehaze

In accord with ancient traditions, as December dawns, we once again
approach the revelries of Saturnalia.

All true believers can look forward to a catch up with family and friends
for banquets in a carnival atmosphere, gift giving to very special ones in
your life and a couple of days off work for the slaves.

However, a word of caution - don’t believe everything you see or hear at
this time. There have been some folk out there on the fringe of Roman
society who have drifted to new fangled belief systems. These pretenders
don’t honour our beloved Saturn or even any of his recently discovered
moons but have hijacked our central themes for their own purposes. Even the
Heathens were more ethical than that.

Some of these rebellious tribes have been fed to the lions whilst others
were banished to various deserts to the east and others nailed to ballast
for treason.

So enjoy this period of celebration as the solstice approaches and act
early to rinse the gravy off your toga after all is said and done. Here’s
hoping Santa brings you what your heart desires.

Contributions this week rolled in from Anonymous3, Arfermo, Billy Bunter of
Adelaide, Dianne, Digi Maria, Seasoldier, Wally, Clooney's Twin, Duke of
Barsinov and  Wally,

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Here is a guy with talent who is having a good time for all to enjoy.

David Zinn is an artist from Michigan. He runs around all day in the
streets of Ann Arbor,
with street construction, cracks, etc. on the road with chalk to create a
lot of street fairy tales.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

David Zinn's most famous creation was undoubtedly a little monster called
Sluggo.
Sluggo has a green body and long, round eyes, it and its partners have also
become a small street in Ann Arbor unique scene.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Please share so more people can see.

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Subject: Five Minute University:

Good fun.
 Click here

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Four Lions humour stuff:

Benedict C*mberbatch's scene in Four Lions - "You're an ar*e man" 
 Click here

Four lions rocket backfire scene 
 Click here

Four Lions Urdu Abusing
 Click here

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Patdown:
 Click here

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BUCKING FRILLIANT:

Superb - - it needs to be read and carefully to be appreciated!!

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could
say all this without a snigger, though goodness knows after how many takes.

The irony is, BBC received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must
have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without
converting the spoonerisms as you read.......

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella
worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were
right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called
Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet
and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would
not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her
name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a
pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy
ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told
Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking
falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly
the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella,
and she ran out tripping bar*e over ollocks,so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and
the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and
let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince."Blame
that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on
both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack
in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a
hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted
pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived
his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen
swanny!

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Who could this be?

An elderly gentleman walked into an upscale c*cktail lounge.

He was in his seventies, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great
looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a great lure
(good after shave).

He presented a very good image.

Seated at the bar was an elderly really classy looking lady (in her
seventies too).

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her.

He orders a drink.

He takes a sip.

He slowly turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

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Seenager:

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don’t have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don’t have a curfew.
I have a driver’s license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don’t have acne.
Life is great.

Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this.

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not
decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts
because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe.

Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do
humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive
decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar,
but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of
older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they
get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a
memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember
their names. So, please forward this to your friends; they may be my
friends, too.

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Culinus Linguini

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum
of money if she would go back to Italy to have the child in secret.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child
support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write
"Spaghetti" on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "You received a very strange postcard today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

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Why people from India don't rob banks:

NOW I UNDERSTAND
 Click here

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Snake for sale:

This blonde was selling her pet Python on eBay.
A bloke just rang up and asked if it was big.
She said, "It's massive."
He said, How many feet?"
She said none. "It's a f*cking Snake"!!

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Medical Examination:

Hey, I don't write this stuff, I just forward it so everyone knows and we
put a stop to s*xism..

During a lady's medical examination, the British doctor says, "Your heart,
lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that
gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! .... Just stick out your tongue!"

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Fails:

Military Fails
 Click here

Police Fails
 Click here

TV Fails
 Click here

Girls Fails
 Click here

Train Fails
 Click here

Tractor Fails
 Click here

Truck Fails
 Click here

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Doggie fashion:
 Click here Click here Click here

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It's beginning to feel a lot like summer downunder:
 Click here

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Religion:
 Click here Click here

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Before no 'L' there was No 'A':
 Click here

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And your point is??:
 Click here

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BALLET DANCERS:
 Click here
HOW CUTE. SEE THEY ARE NOT ALL GAY!!

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Belly-rollers!"
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Environmental Concerns:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

With all this talk about saving our planet, I thought I would share this
email on going green with you.

Awwww, sorry, I think I got my Green emails mixed up!

I hope you don't mind.

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FINALLY!!! TODAY!! OUR DAY!! xxx:

HETEROS*XUAL MALE PRIDE DAY!!!

THIS...
 Click here

PLUS THIS...
 Click here

EQUALS =  COMPLETE HAPPINESS FOR MANKIND !
TODAY IS HETEROS*XUAL PRIDE DAY!!! ...SO CELEBRATE IT!

If you received this in error, TOUGH SH*T!

We have rights, too.

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Selling my stuff if I die:
 Click here

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Workers in different countries:
 Click here Click here
Have a look at these videos, left hand shows some skill and the right, well
what can i say.

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Job Description:
 Click here

My mate asked me, "Now that you're retired, do you still have a job of any
sort?"

I replied, Yes, I am my wife's s*xual adviser."

Some what shocked, he said,

"I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

I replied, My wife has told me, that when she wants my f*cking advice,
she'll ask me for it.

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Snowy Mountains:
 Click here Click here Click here

A man arrives at the Perisher Valley Hotel, in the Snowy Mountains, orders
a beer, and a counter lunch. Suddenly Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull
appears on the TV. The man gazes at the large screen for a minute, and says
in no uncertain terms, Malcolm Turnbull is a horse’s ar*e.

Out of nowhere, a local guy jumps-up, punches him in the face, and knocks
him off the stool.

The man gets up, slowly rubs his cheek, and orders a fresh beer.

Just then, Malcolm’s wife Lucy Turnbull appears on the screen,
bragging-up her husband’s recent success.

The man pounds the bar and yells, Lucy Turnbull is a horse’s ar*e, too.

Suddenly another local jumps up, comes over to him, and punches the other
side of his face, and knocks him back onto the floor.

When he climbs back on the stool, he tells the waitress, I take it this is
Turnbull country.

No, replies the waitress,  it’s horse country.

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Ads:
 Click here

2015 - John Lewis Christmas Ad –  Click here

2014 John Lewis Christmas Ad -
 Click here

2013 John Lewis Christmas Ad -
 Click here

2012 John Lewis Christmas Ad -
 Click here

2011 John Lewis Christmas Ad -
 Click here

2015 Best Christmas Ads -
 Click here

2014 Best Christmas Ads -
 Click here

2013 Best Christmas Ads -
 Click here

Great Pfizer Ad -
 Click here

Aldi Ham & Surfin’ Santas Ad -
 Click here

NOTE  John Lewis is a United Kingdom employee-owned retailer, with 88,700
staff. It’s annual turnover is $20.4 billion.

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Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here

They Crawl Amongst Us
 Click here

S*x in Space
 Click here

Prague
 Click here

Chinese Harbin Ice Festival
 Click here

Somebody Built These
 Click here

Axalp 2015 Swiss Air Force Display
 Click here

Why isn’t it Faster to Fly West?
 Click here

Mr. Bean (Sandwich)
 Click here

10 X Fun Jobs
 Click here

The Richest (Lists for Everything)
 Click here

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10 X Bizarre Sports:

You think you know the sports, don't you? Everyone has heard of soccer,
football, rugby, tennis, swimming and running, but not everyone knows about
wife-carrying or chess boxing. Different sports are enjoyed by people in
different climates and countries. Here are 10 of the most unusual and
fun-loving sports events from around the world, some of these may seem
truly bizarre!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Chelsea Oldie:
 Click here Click here Click here

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good
time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time, and thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, "You didn't have s*x, did you?"

Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

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Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Adele Impersonates Adele
 Click here

Nat Geo Wild
 Click here

Tokyo 2020 Olympic Stadium
 Click here

Eugenia Kanaeva (Rhythmic Gymnastics) 
 Click here

China’s got Talent
 Click here

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15 Best Heavyweights of all Time:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

(Note The current champion Wladimir Klitschko is only rated 10th best)

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Pilot Stuff:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

I Sit Around
 Click here

Life as an Airline Pilot
 Click here

Pilot Talk
 Click here

The Terrorist
 Click here

Airline Parodies
 Click here

You Will Never Hear This Again  Click here

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Singapore - Malaysia:
 Click here Click here Click here

Yesterday my brother, who lives in Singapore, drove over the Johor
Singapore Causeway, to Malaysia.

He stayed in Johor Bahru, at the Hilton Double Tree Hotel. With Malaysia
having a 61% Muslim population, he was very surprised to see all the
Christmas decorations in the Hotel, and sent me a couple of photos.

I thought that Muslims didn’t believe in Jesus, or Christmas

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Military Photos:
 Click here

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Funnies:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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