Friday humour - November 27, 2015

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Things sure are warming up in Syria. Turkey has grown some! The last
contribution this week is proving to be true.

Enjoy!

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Four Jewish ladies meet after 30 years at their High School Reunion. One
goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful
their sons became.

No.1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he
gave his best friend a Ferrari.

No.2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich,
he gave his best friend a jet.

No.3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company
became so rich, he built his best friend a castle.

No4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.
They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and
asked her about her son. She said her son is gay and works in a Gay Bar.

The other three said she must be very disappointed with her son for not
becoming successful. "Oh no !! " said the Lady, he is doing good. "Last
week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from three of his
boyfriends ...

The other three fainted

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What is the closest thing to Paradise?

Panties ...

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A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the
parish.

A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make
the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was
delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of  humour! I got my
first impression of the parish from the very first confession I  heard
here.
I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person
who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and,
when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had
stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair
with his boss's wife; had s*x with his boss's 17 year old daughter on
numerous occasions,  taken illegal drugs; had several homos*xual affairs;
was arrested several times  for public nudity and gave VD to his
sister-in-law.
I was appalled that one  person could do so many awful things. But as the
days went on, I learned that my  people were not all like that and I had,
indeed, come to a fine parish full of  good and loving people.

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the  politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make  the presentation and
gave his talk:

I'll never forget the first day  our parish Priest arrived, said the
politician. In fact, I had the honor of  being the first person to go to
him for confession!

Moral: Never,  never, never be late

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THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A WELSH GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the
dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day
he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away....

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to
do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see
any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw
his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on
the table....

The third man married a girl from Wales . He ordered her to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the
table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day
he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling
had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was
healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he urinates.....

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A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem
to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the
fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made
love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home and
another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough
work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you
and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be
Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while.  Homer came back to
the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the Doc.   "Didn't my idea
work?"
"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer.   "Whenever I was in the mood, I
fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a
secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."

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A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The
new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The
room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money
do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied,

'I make $400 a week. Why?'

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed,

'Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!'

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,
'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here?'

From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it
over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces
to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she
is, after all, over 90 years of age), but very delicately asks what size,
texture, brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel . .

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Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how
pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than
met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't
suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and
wrote an email:

Dear Mama,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not
saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been
missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son,

Anthony

A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which
read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you
"do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in
her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving Mama

Moral:

Never Bulla Sh*ta you Mama

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Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to
ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his
attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For
a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver
said
"Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't
realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my
fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hear*e
for 25 years."

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Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich,
Ess*x.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them:

"I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro.
Quattro means four..

One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly.

"Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here,"
she replies with a smile.

"Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore
breaking the law.

So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you
all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily,

"I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to
someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the
Fiat Uno."

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'Singing in the Rain' by John and Dwayne

 Click here
516/?type=2&theater

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Voice activated lift in SCOTLAND
 Click here

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Freedom, yes.
 Click here

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Sign writers!
 Click here

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This about sums it up...
 Click here

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The Lighter Side
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Cartoons for Grown Ups...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Sister wants to sell her Brother for $54  Click here

Who needs a Rider?
 Click here

25 X Extreme Railways
 Click here

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Chinese girl dancer - magician!  Very good.
 Click here

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Big African cat
I wasn't sure what I expected to happen but it wasn't this.
 Click here

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Serious thoughts to ponder
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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The Lone Ranger
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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