Friday humour - November 20, 2015

HI All

After a traumatic week in France, hope this week’s publication helps.

Our thoughts and sympathies are with the victims of terror and their
families and friends

Thanks to Anonymous 3, Duke of Barsinov, Sack, Seasoldier, Wally, Whizzbang
and  Biggus for their generous contributions.
It is these  contributions that keep us entertained every week


From: Anonymous3

Test for Alcoholism

I passed this test, proving I am not an alcoholic! I have been concerned
about a few of you so when I saw

this simple test, I thought I should forward it to you :

Simple Alcoholism test that you can take in the privacy of your

This is a test to determine if you are an alcoholic.
 Click here

If you saw the bar sign, you are an Alcoholic.


From: Duke of Barsinov

Irish Speech Therapist

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with
her Stammers Action Group.

She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and

Finally, totally exasperated, she said: "If any of you can tell me where
you were born,without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate s*x with
you until your muscles acheÂ

and your eyes water."

The Englishman immediately piped up: "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out: "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow".

That's no better either, Hamish.

Now, how about you, Paddy?

The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5, clenched both fists at his
sides and eventually blurted out:. . . . . London ".

Absolutely Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set
about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally hot and steamy s*x, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said:



From: Duke of Barsinov

Water Bed

in a German furniture store. Note that the sign says NOT to get on the bed,
but oh

well..the best way to motivate people to do something is to put up a sign


Turn on speakers and watch people trying out the water bed.

It's in German, but that only makes it funnier.

Watch for the last two ladies
 Click here


From: Sack

Just to brighten your day .................. !!

If you only ever watch one this year “ watch this!

Recorded at the Great Missenden School. Great Missenden is a large village
in the Misbourne Valley in the Chiltern Hills in Buckinghamshire, England

River Misbourne - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The River Misbourne rises in a field on the outskirts of Great Missenden,
Buckinghamshire, and flows down the Misbourne valley to join the River
Colne just north of ...
 Click here


From: Seasoldier


Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

My seven-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for
the food, and I would

even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.  And liberty
and justice for all!  Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman
remark, "That's what's

wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray.  Asking
God for ice cream!  Why, I


Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it
Is God mad at me?"

As I assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not
mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that
was a great prayer." "Really?" my grandson asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

 Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark
had started this whole thing),

"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream.  A little ice cream is good for
the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal.  My
grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, and then did something I
will remember the rest of my life.

He Picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in
front of the woman. with a big smile he told her,

"Here, this is for you.  Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! "

Touches the heart doesn't it?


From: Seasoldier

The Middle Wife

by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years.

I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in
my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students.

It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.

Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch,
stuff like that.

And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them.

If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a
seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there.

He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.

The kids are watching her in amazement.

Then, about two Sat*rdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'

Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.

'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'

(Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife.

She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the
Domino's man.

They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.'

(Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop!

My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty,

and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!'

(This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing
away.  It was too much!)'

Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.

They started counting, but never even got past ten.

Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother.

He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's
play-centre, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.

When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in
the first place.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest.

Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder,

just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.


From: Seasoldier

It's a big, big, moon...

You'll love  the time-lapse photograph.

On the 31st of July, this beautiful time-lapse rise of the Full Blue Moon
was captured 2½ miles

away from Cape Byron Lighthouse, on Belongil Beach, Byron Bay, New South
Wales, Australia.

The headland and lighthouse at Byron Bay is the most easterly point of the
Australian Mainland and

therefore  is the first place in Australia to watch the full moon rise.

This video is made up of 1038 frames and slowed down to as close to real
time as possible. The

photographer has been working on perfecting this type of time lapse for
over a year now after seeing

the work of his favorite photographer Mark Gee.

Don't forget to breathe watching this majestic time-lapse is superduper;
everything about it is just

perfect, and it's a photography clinic for anyone interested in taking

See this stunningmoon rise and appreciate just how beautiful Gods work can

Probably The Most Beautiful Moon rise Time-Lapse You'll Ever See!
 Click here


From: Seasoldier

Concerned Spouse...

The Way Women Think...

Husband's Text Message to wife:

Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.

Paula brought me to the Hospital.

Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.

Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects.

Wound required 19 stitches.

I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound  fracture in the left

Amputation of the right foot is a possibility.

Love you...

* Wife's Response:

Who the F*CK is Paula?


From: Seasoldier


Since it was such a cr*ppy day, I sat in my recliner and started  thinking
about life.  I came to realize that as  I have grown older I've learned
that pleasing everyone is impossible, but p*ssing  everyone off is a piece
of  cake.

Condoms don't guarantee safe s*x anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one
when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Lance Armstrong….I think it is just terrible and disgusting how
everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved: 
winning 7
Tour de France races while on  drugs.

Hell, when I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

Drive By. Someone broke into my house last week. They didn't  take my TV,
just the remote.  Now they drive by and  change the channels. Sick

The Agony of Aging .On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I
stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with
black shoe polish.   I said to  him, "You better get your hearing checked -
You're  supposed to turn your clock back".

Video Scam….Just got scammed out of $25.  Bought Tiger  Woods DVD
entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's all  about golf.  Absolute
waste of money!   Pass this  on so others don't

get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the
father is?"  "Hey dumb ass, she replied, if you ate a can of  beans would
you know which  one made you fart!


From: Seasoldier

Degrees of Blondness


A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning .

The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said

'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast
is clear.'


Two blondes are walking down the street.

One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.

She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her
the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'


 A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she
finds him in the

arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun

as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it
to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'


A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'

The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'


Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A: 'Is it mine?'


Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
government class.

The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington

had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'


 Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman!'

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up
with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced  #1 Blonde.

"Do what?" asked #2 Blonde .

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."


From: Seasoldier

Husbands & Wives

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one
carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife
asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will
get it the first time.


From: Seasoldier

Having The Fastest Car

relax and avoid ˜altercations
 Click here


From: Seasoldier

Squirrels and Religion

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small Ohio town: a
Presbyterian church, a Baptist

church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue.  Each
church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their
squirrels.  After much prayer and consideration they determined the
squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with
God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry.
The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistry and let
the squirrels slide in and drown themselves.  The squirrels liked the slide
and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim.  Twice as many
squirrels showed up the following week

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any
of God's creatures.  So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them
free near the Baptist Church.  Two weeks later the squirrels were back when
the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy.  They
baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. 
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumored that they
took one squirrel and circ*mcised him.  They haven't seen a squirrel on
their property since.


From: Wally

The Swiss Army Knife of Camping Trailers
 Click here


From: Wally

Two Short Sentences

These two, short sentences tell you a lot about our government and our

1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few
lunatics: But we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners and Bikers by the
action of a few lunatics. Funny how that works.

2. Seems we constantly hear about how the Australian Old Age Pension Plan
could run out of money.

How come we never hear about welfare running out of money? Whats
interesting is the first group Worked for their money. But the second group


From: Whizzbang

10 Pills You Need to Take


10 Pills You Need to Take ~ You won't be able to take your eyes off her 
mouth.......but her eyes change watch!!!
 Click here


From: Whizzbang



A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and

Invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters

From the BBQ and flirting..

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating

Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has

The balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and

Everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc,

Jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all

Kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the

Tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo

The water was churning and splashing everywhere..

Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell…………

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.

How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks.... I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something..

That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock


Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said,

I want the bastard who pushed me in.'


From: Whizzbang

Nursing Home Plan

Part G - Nursing Home Plan

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself
and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you.
So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Part G.

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You are
allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to
rison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a
roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a
library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need
glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs,
s*x change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as
they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government
that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And

you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now,
because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes! Is
this a great country or what? Now that you have solved your senior
financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week!


From: Biggus

 Click here

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer
argues. "I'm too young to

die. I'm only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according
to our calculations, you're eighty

two." "How's you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added
up your time sheets."


What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The Polar Bear


A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. As the barman's pouring it
the cowboy looks about him. 'Where is everybody?' he says. 'Gone to the
hanging,' says the barman. 'Hanging?' says the cowboy.

'Who they hanging?'

'Brownpaper Pete,' replies the barman.

'Brownpaper Pete? Why do they call him that?'

'Well,' says the barman. 'His hat's made of brown paper, his shirt's made
of brown paper, his jacket's made of brown paper and his trousers are made
of brown paper.' 'Really?' says the cowboy. 'What they hanging him for?'


Two cowboys are riding through a canyon, when off in the distance they hear
the sound of Indian drums. One cowboy says to the other, "I don't like the
sound of those drums!" And from across they canyon they hear a voice call


From: Duke of Barsinov

As Promised
 Click here

Especially poignant after the events in Paris!Dad


From: Duke of Barsinov

Newspapers - Why I still love newspapers.....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


From: Sack

Stupid vacuum cleaner!!!

So this retired guy sits around the house all day wife says,

You could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week.

Guy gives it a moments thought and says, Sure why no show me to the vacuum.

Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee.

Wife says, I didnt hear the vacuum work, I thought you were using it?

Exasperated man answers, The stupid thing is broken, wont start got to buy
a new one.

Really, she says,

Show me - it worked fine the last time.

So he did  (Oh dear, he really should have known better . . . )
 Click here


From: Seasoldier


Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Aer Lingus
flight from  Dublin , the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew in her
lovely Irish brogue nervously made the following painful announcement..:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has
been a terrible mix-up -- one minute prior to take-off by our airport
catering service...I don't know how this has happened but we have 103
passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals...I truly
apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. , "Anyone who is
kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive
free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.

Her next announcement came four hours later

"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners



From: Seasoldier

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

  they  always  give  us  a  laugh


From: Seasoldier

Memorable Password
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Always choose a memorable password!

A lady helps her husband install a new computer. Once it is completed, she
tells him to select a password, Selecting a word that he'll always
remember. As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife And
with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, He selects a word: My penis.

As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife Collapses with
laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!!

The computer had replied:



From: Wally

Stray Ball
 Click here

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her
ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole. The
ball hit one of them and he immediately fell to the ground clutching his
hands together in his groin, rolling around in obvious agony.

The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize "Please allow me
to help, I'm a physiotherapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if
you'll allow me" she told him.

"Oh no I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man grunted,
still lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

"Don't be silly, Let me help!" she told him and, following her persistence,
he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides, she loosened his
trousers and put her hand inside.  She administered tender and skilful
massage for several long moments and then asked "How

does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels terrific, but my thumb still hurts like hell."


From: Wally

Amazing Photos
 Click here


From: Wally

Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

One-Off Cars
 Click here

Got a Sore Neck?
 Click here

Every James Bond Gadget (193+)
 Click here

Ricky Van Shelton (Ill Leave this World Loving You)
 Click here

Ricky Van Shelton (Ive Cried My Last Tear for You)
 Click here

10 X Worlds Most Expensive Airplanes
 Click here

10 X Dumbest Pranks That Went Wrong
 Click here

Storm Clouds over Sydney
 Click here

Happy 240th Birthday USMC
 Click here

Vacuum Cleaner Wont Start
 Click here

 Click here

Demolition Failures
 Click here

Workers Fail
 Click here


From: Wally

 Click here Click here


From: Wally

Drive-Thru Condom Hut
 Click here

Back in 1992, Emillee Del Vecchio had an idea for a great new business, a
Drive-Thru Condom Hut, and she set up shop in a former Fotomat booth.

Unfortunately the booth was located in an area of Cranston, Rhode Island,
populated by very Catholic Italian-Americans, many of whom took great
offense, at the idea of people being able to buy birth control, from the
comfort of their motor vehicle.

Local residents began protesting the store. The Roman Catholic Diocese of
Providence condemned it for promoting s*xual activity, not abstinence. A
rock was thrown through its window. Graffiti was spray-painted on its
front, and eventually the business folded.

America was just not ready for a Drive-Thru Condom Hut.


From: Wally

Find the Sheep
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

There are 550 sheep in this photo. Can you find them?

A cleaver optical illusion that makes a farmers flock appear to vanish.

One morning Liezel Kennedy, a farmer that has a flock of about 550 sheep
from Saskatchewan in Canada, she came to the fields to find they had all

In fact the hundreds of sheep are carefully hidden among the grass!


From: Wally

10 X Luxury Yachts
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

The exciting thing about yachts, is that they offer

a luxurious abode or temporary space where you

can  get  away  from  everyone and everything in

absolute classiness. It's  hard to ever find a yacht

that looks dull, their extravagant exterior makes

them  ever  so  tempting  to  discover  their  fine

interior. Some  couples  use  yachts  to  organize

their  wedding,  or  a  massive function, whereas

some  fortunate  people can afford to make them

their own! If you are truly mesmerized by yachts,

you're  in  for  a  treat,  as  we  list  10 incredible

yachts   built,  with   the  most  stylish  of  styles.


From: Wally

Aboriginal Art
 Click here


From: Whizzbang

 Click here


From: Whizzbang

 Click here


If anybody wants them, I have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel
(son of Evil Knievel) show.

Robbie will be flying into Sydney to stage an event at the Lakemba Mosque
this weekend.

He is going to try to jump over 10,000 Muslims using a Caterpillar D-9.


[ End friday humour ]

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