Friday humour - November 13, 2015

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”  - Charlie Chaplin

Friday Humour comes to you this week from Arfermo, Clooney’s Twin, Duke of
Barsinov, KRP, Sack, Seasoldier, Wally, Whizzbang, Anonymous3 and Mitta.

……………………………………………………………………………………..

November bonfire night.

DC up the swanny?
 Click here

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Smarter than the average human...
 Click here

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An old joke revisited

I came across this recently, having long forgotten it and it made me laugh,
so suitable for a wet Monday! Don
He : Why don't you tell me when you're having your orgasm?
She : Because you're never there!!

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Moonrise At Byron Bay
 Click here

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Skier Falls 1600 Feet
 Click here

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Solving The US Gun Problem
 Click here

Described by the makers as "A useful everyday tool with ballistic
protection in the event of an emergency".

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Great Card Trick

He is a fourth generation card magician from Maple Ridge (just outside
Vancouver)   I watched this amazing trick twice,  you may too!

This trick is simply way to good not to share!

Shawn Farquhar is the World Champion of Card Magic, and is Canadian

He is so good - even other professional magicians can't figure out how he
does it.
 Click here

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When insults had class...

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got
boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir, "said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or
your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy."

-Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure."

-Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary."

-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading
it."

-Moses Hades

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of
it."

-Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

-Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend, if you have one."

-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
one."

-Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

-Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

-John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

-Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

-Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

- Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

-Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

-Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

-Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

-Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

-Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather
than illumination."

-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

-Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."

-Groucho Marx

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Wow....what a beer dispenser.

All mechanical engineers will be kicking themselves for not thinking of
this first.
Don't waste your time asking "Why didn't I think of this?"
 Click here

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Royal Bank - This is brilliantXXX (language)

Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!
This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being
what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and the Royal Bank billed her for February
and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had
Been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the Royal Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

Royal Bank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Royal Bank:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Royal Bank PAC:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
The credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Royal Bank:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her  Being
dead?'

 Royal Bank:
 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

 Supervisor gets on the phone:
 Family Member:
 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

 Royal Bank:
 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

 Family Member:
 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

 Royal Bank:
 (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

 Family Member:
 'No, I'm her great nephew.'
 (Lawyer info given)

 Royal Bank:
 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

 Family Member:
 'Sure.'
 ( fax number is given )

 After they get the fax:

Royal Bank:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
Can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
Her. I don't think she will care.'

Royal Bank :
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

Royal Bank:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 1049.'

Royal Bank:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the f*ck do you do with dead people on your
planet?'........

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Nuts

Go JAYS GO
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball
game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his
commands.
When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well. As the
National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients
complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they
all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts" They all broke
out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call
against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and
they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a
hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a
riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world
happened?" The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine
until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

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XXXSheepXXX

An English tourist was driving through Ireland when he noticed a man on the
side of the road having s*x with a sheep. A few kilometers further on he
came upon a small town, so he parked his car and went into the pub for a
drink. He grabbed a cold beer, sat at a table, and then took a look around
the bar. He immediately noticed a one legged guy sitting over at a corner
table, masturbating without a care in the world.
The English tourist turned to the bartender and said, "what sort of country
is this?  A few kilometers back down the road there was this guy having s*x
with a sheep, and now that guy in the corner is furiously masturbating in
full view of everyone."
The bartender said, "You heartless English bastard. He's only got one leg.
How do you expect him to catch a sheep?"

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The Irish Priest

An old Irish priest lay dying. He sent a message for an Irish Tax Office
supervisor and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they
were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the priest held out
his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The priest
grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the Irish Tax Office supervisor and
the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be
with him during his final moments, however they were also puzzled because
the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either
one of them.

Finally, the lawyer asked, “Father, why did you ask the two of us to come
here?”¯

The old priest mustered all his strength, and then whispered weakly,

 “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go.”

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EVENING FODDER

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10
years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly
not a ship."

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the
possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the
surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and
mask,
and zipping down the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous
blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me,
how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years!" replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left
sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a
lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.

"Faith and begorrah!" said the castaway. "Ah, that is so good! I'd
forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish
Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years!"

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a
pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask
and took a long drink.

"'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front
of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and
asked,
"And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus,
Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

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XXXGetting oldXXX

An old man was sitting on a train across from a blonde wearing a tiny mini
skirt. Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at the top of her
thighs. To his delight, he realized she was COMMANDO.

She saw him staring & inquired, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," he replied and promised to avert his eyes.

"It's quite all right," she replied, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll
make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the vagina blew him a kiss.

The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.

"I can also make it wink," she replied.

The old man stared amazed as the vagina winked at him.

"Come and sit next to me," she said, patting the seat.

He moved over and she asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers
in?"

Stunned, he asked, "You're sh*ttin' me, you mean it can whistle, too?"

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3 X Blond Jokes

A blond  has become dreadfully overweight. She goes to the doctor and he
decides to put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat normally for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. Next time I see you, you'll probably be 5 pounds
lighter."

The blonde returns after 2 weeks, but upon weighing her it turns out she
lost 20 pounds.

"That's amazing!" Said the doctor, "and you followed my instructions?"

The blond nods, tiredly. "I'll tell you, I thought I was going to drop dead
that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" Asked her doctor.

"No, silly, from the skipping!"

XXXXXX

A new blonde stewardess began her first day. The route they were flying
required that they make a stop in another city for the night. Soon after
their arrival the captain showed all the flight attendants to their rooms.

The next morning the pilot was preparing everyone to leave, and he noticed
his new flight attendant was missing.

He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, as he was
wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing. "I can't
get out of my room!"

“You can’t get out of your room?”¯the captain asked, “Why not?”¯

The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried,
“one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that
says,
‘Do Not Disturb’!”¯

XXXXXX

A manager walks by his blonde secretary's desk when he notices she is
crying her eyes out. Concerned for her well-being, he asks her gently:
"What's the matter?"

To which the blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying
that my aunt had passed away.”

The boss, feeling very sorry for her, suggests to the young girl. “Why
don’t you take a day, go home and rest. We're not very busy, so just take
this time for yourself.

The blonde very calmly replies “No, I’d be better off here. It's good to
keep my mind off of it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”¯

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. “If you need
anything just let me know.”¯

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He
looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He
rushes out to her asking, “What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?”¯

“No,” exclaims the blonde, “I just received a horrible call from my sister,
and she said that HER aunt died too!”¯

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LIFE

Ah, Life!!

If you don't laugh, I can only ask Where is your sense of humour?

This is perhaps the most profound philosophy I have heard in recent
times....

"Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free . . .
it's women who make it hard."

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Snake for sale

I'm selling my pet Python on eBay.

A bloke just rang me up and asked if it was big.

I said, "It's massive."

He said, "How many feet?"

I said "None! It's a snake, you moron!!”

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Space Cats Returning to Their Mothership
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Telling it like it is.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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EATING  IN  THE  FIFTIES

Pasta was not eaten in Australia.

Curry was a surname.

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

All potato chips were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the
salt on or not.

Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding.

Calamari was called squid and we used it for fish bait.

A big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white
gold. Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

Indian restaurants were only found in India.

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognized food.

"Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food.

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly, muesli was readily available; it was called cattle feed.

Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and
charging more than petrol for it, they would have become a laughing stock!!

Two things that were never, ever on our tables in the fifties: Elbows or
Phones....

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Higher mathematics explained in one simply picture
 Click here

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Went to Hooters.
 Click here

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Cuteness overload through Natural Selection/genetic engineering
 Click here

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Don't be a pussy
 Click here

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Ride 'em Cowgirl.
 Click here

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The difference between Hawaii and Saskatchewan

Planning a holiday and don’t know whether to go

To Hawaii or Saskatchewan?

Here’s the difference between the two:

Hawaii

Saskatchewan

Any Questions?
 Click here Click here

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Baseball Test

So you think you know Baseball?  See if you can figure out this puzzle.

Scroll down, Rookie!

It's 5 to 4, bottom of the fifth, one out and nobody on.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Humor
 Click here

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From the Ladies at ATC
 Click here

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Golf Cart
 Click here Click here Click here

One day during a game  on the golf course, I accidentally overturned my
golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lives in a villa on the
golf course, heard the noise and called out, “Are you okay?"

"I’m fine thanks," I replied.  “My name’s  Jack,” I said and introduced
myself.

"Jack, forget your troubles.  Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help
you  get the cart up later,” she suggested.

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered,  “but I don't think my wife would
like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.  She was very pretty and very
persuasive.

"Well okay," I finally agreed and added: "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, she insisted that I remove my clothes so she
could give me a massage.  Afterwards, I thanked my hostess for the
exhilarating session I had with her.

"I feel a lot better now but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth replied with a smile, “She won't know a thing.
Where is she, anyway?"

 "Under the cart!" I said ...........

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Banned Australian Ad
 Click here
 Click here

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People who should be Dead
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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S*x around the World
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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F*nny Drooping?
 Click here Click here

Ladies: Is your F*nny Drooping?
Fix the problem  for only $9.00.

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8 X Hotels
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Short, Accurate & to the Point.
 Click here Click here

 Oh dear.  How true.

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Percy the Pig
 Click here Click here Click here

This makes for an extremely interesting read...... I never knew pigs were
in most products!

Every Muslim who has ever handled TNT, Nitro, Bullets, High Explosive
Bombs,
Rocket Launchers or been treated for cuts injury requiring stitches, or
taken antibiotics, or Vitamin Capsules, has been contaminated with Pig
Products.

The ironical part is that when a Suicide Bomber blows himself up his body
parts are impregnated with Gelatin and Glycerin from the explosive. Both
Gelatin and Glycerin are manufactured from Pigs worldwide.. Ergo, they will
never be accepted by Allah.

Some makers of cigarettes use haemoglobin from pig's blood in their
filters.
Apparently this element works as a sort of 'artificial lung' in the
cigarette so, they claim, 'harmful reactions take place before the
chemicals reach the user', (enter the Pig.)

Pig bone gelatin is used to help transport gunpowder or cordite into the
bullet. Insulin, the blood-thinning drug heparin and pig heart valves all
vital. The complex workings of the global food and processing industry have
ensured that it is impossible to avoid pig altogether.

Pig product goes into liquorice and many other products. In this process,
collagen is taken from the pig and is then converted into gelatin. This
finds its way into numerous foodstuffs, where it acts as a gelling agent.

A number of medicines also contain pig gelatin - everything from
painkillers to multivitamins. Fatty acids extracted from the bone fat of
pigs are used in shampoos and conditioners to give them their shiny,
pearl-like appearance. These acids can also be found in a number of body
lotions,
foundations and anti-wrinkle creams. Glycerin made from pork fat is an
ingredient in many types of toothpaste.

There is no legal obligation for manufacturers to specify whether the
gelatin they use is from a pig or another animal. When it is specified, it
is often confusingly referred to as Suilline gelatin.

So to all prospective Suicide Bombers, ISIS and innocent, good Muslims, I
say, “Have a Nice Day” from ’Percy’ the wonderful Pig.

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[ End friday humour ]

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