Friday humour - November 06, 2015

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Fw: Married 50 years
Married 50 years - Priceless! After being married for 50 years, I took a
careful look at my wife one day  and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap
house, a junk car, slept on a sofa  bed and watched a 10-inch black and
white TV, but I got to sleep every night  with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now
... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large 
screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that 
you're not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable
woman. She told me to go out and find a hot  23-year-old girl and she would
make sure that I would once again be living  in a cheap house, driving a
junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a  10-inch black and white
TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's
problems!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: KRPSubject: Engineering In China

 Click here


The machine weighs 580 tonnes!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject:   CLEVER WORDS FOR CLEVER PEOPLE

CLEVER WORDS FOR CLEVER PEOPLE
1. ARBITRAITOR
A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald’s.

2. BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage.

3. BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees through.

4. AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do.

5. COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

 6. LEFT BANK
 What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.

7. HEROES
What a man in a boat does.

8. PARASITES
What you see from the Eiffel Tower.

9. PARADOX
Two physicians.

10. PHARMACIST
A helper on a farm.

11. RELIEF
What trees do in the spring.

12. RUBBERNECK
What you do to relax your wife.

13. SELFISH
What the owner of a seafood store does.

14. SUDAFED
Brought litigation against a government official.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier

After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.
Then the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three words
that no man wants to hear:

"Who Was That?"


Subject: Don't forget to fall back this weekend


  This will show you how…


now watch this link for instructions.....


  Click here


Subject: The old fart
  The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart


  A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the
three of them.


  The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the
greatest!"


  The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52
times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"


  .


  .


  Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.


Subject: pportunities abound...

  A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth
and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local
welfare office to pick up his check.

  He marched up to the counter and said, " You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the
System, getting something for nothing."

  The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because
of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to
escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward
but you will also have to satisfy her s*xual urges as the daughter is in
her 20's and has a strong s*x drive."

  The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bullsh*tting' me?? -- The social worker
said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."

Subject: Indian taxi driver in Australia

Indian taxi driver in Australia
If you have ever had an Indian taxi driver you'll love this one...


A drunken, totally naked, woman jumped into a taxi at Park Beach Plaza in
Coffs Harbour, Australia.
The Indian driver shook his head, opened his eyes wide and stared at the
woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.
"What are you staring at, Luv, haven't you ever seen a woman with no
clothes on before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be
proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am looking and looking and looking and looking, and I am thinking
and thinking and thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady
keeping the money to be paying me?!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Clooney's Twin
Subject: Spruiking for Jesus

 Click here

Falling numbers at church on sunday have led to this. Developers are
working on an equivalent with Mohammed.

Subject: Please support the Blue Ribbon appeal in November.

 Click here

Blew on blue, hardon, on hard on.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: To Grandfathers everywheres

 Click here Click here

Never Lose Your Grandson!
A heart-warming story.

My small grandson got lost in Tesco’s. He approached a uniformed security
guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" "The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little devil hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Gordon's Gin and women with big tits."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: MASS TRANSPORT - only in Asia...................

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here
+
  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject: What Panel beaters do on their day off

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Here's some very "interesting" rides.....


Squashed that little green bug flat.

It Only has 64 cylinders sucking fuel.

A cab over Mercedes 600 pickup?

Cruising the ‘hood.

Sat*rday night special - off to the drive-in.

A little extreme.

32 cylinder Mustang.

Don't tailgate.

Someone is missing a roof.

A job well done.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject: Great Clip --- A Conductor in The Making

 Click here


 PLEASE watch this.  It is adorable - never mind the music - just watch the
little girl.  You will be smiling at the memory for the next week.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier
Subject: Fwd: The Young Priest


 The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest,
Said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four
Pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like
A charm. The front of the church always fills first
Now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest
Continued, 'And you told me adding a little more
Beat to the music would bring young people back
To church, so I supported you when you brought in
That Rock 'n Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services
Are consistently packed to the balcony.'

'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I
Am pleased that you are open to the New Ideas of
Youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said
The elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too
  Far with the Drive-thru Confessional.'

'But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my
Confessions and the donations have nearly doubled
  Since I began that!'

'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate
That.... But the flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or
Go to Hell" cannot stay on the church roof.'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Wally
Subject: Busy Girl

 Click here Click here


A Gold Coast model who spent three months on the run, escaped custody by
squeezing herself through a police car window, while handcuffed, a court
has heard.

Renee Elizabeth Tarbuck, 34, of Highland Park, was so proud of her
“Houdini-style” escape, she sent selfies of her wrists, with a set of
police handcuffs still attached to a friend. The friend, Tarryn Lamos, then
promptly gave the selfies to police.

Tarbuck was convicted of stealing police handcuffs, and escaping lawful
custody in Southport Magistrates Court last month.

She has also agreed to plead guilty to charges of trafficking in ecstasy
from her Gold Coast home between May 2012 and May 2013.

According to a police brief tendered in the Supreme Court when she applied
for bail last week, Tarbuck was arrested on May 11, at a shopping centre in
Merrimac, and handcuffed with her hands behind her back.

But while the two officers who arrested her, were busy saving her three
pedigree dogs, which had run into traffic, Tarbuck contorted herself, until
her handcuffs were in front of her body, before escaping, and driving off
in her car.

An arrest warrant was issued on May 22, but Tarbuck went on the run, until
she was arrested in Nerang on August 13.

She is now in Brisbane women’s jail at Wacol, awaiting sentence for the
drug trafficking.


In court last week, Crown prosecutor Ben Jackson said Tarbuck has
previously been convicted of six offences against the Bail Act, including
two of failing to appear.

A police operation was set up just to investigate Tarbuck’s drug dealing,
court doc*ments state.

It was triggered after her Highland Park house was sprayed with bullets in
a drive-by shooting on Australia Day in 2013.

Mr Jackson told the court Tarbuck would sell drugs on credit then threaten
those who wouldn’t pay.

She also used debt collectors to force payment and took jewellery, mobile
phones or computers as payment for drugs.

She sold an “eight ball” (an eighth of an ounce, or 3.5g) of ecstasy
for $1850, or cut the price to $1650 if it was poor quality, and offered
“try before you buy” to special customers. She had a base of regular
clients who came to collect drugs from her home.

Tarbuck’s home was repossessed earlier this year after she didn’t pay
her mortgage.

She was refused bail by Justice David Boddice on October 23, and he told
her he was unable to accept her guilty plea to the trafficking charge until
she had been assessed as mentally competent.

The case will return to court on November 17.


Subject: Boo
File links:
 Click here

Subject: Links & Photos
File links:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Egg Cam

 Click here

XXX

China

 Click here

XXX

World Map

 Click here

XXX

Birdman of India

 Click here

XXX


Subject: Guess?

 Click here Click here

Making illegal Moonshine


Subject: Collage of Australian Animals

 Click here

Collage of Australian Animals

(Roll the mouse wheel, when photo appears – Great Stuff)


Subject:  3-year-old boy Lyonya Shilovsky

 Click here

3yo Russian boy Lyonya Shilovsky (Brilliant)

 Click here


Subject: Links & Photos

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Links & Photos

School Lunchtime (Watch the kid’s faces)

 Click here

XXX

Goodbye Sign

 Click here

XXX

Beneful Ad

 Click here

XXX

Afghan Tipper Truck

 Click here

XXX

S*xy Hi-Jack

 Click here

XXX


Subject: 6 X Idioms

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
+++ Content:
6 X Idioms


Subject: 23 X Toilet Signs

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Going to the loo, may be a serious matter for some, but for these bathroom
owners,
potty   time   is   still   a  laughing  matter.
These hilarious bathrooms signs are sure to  make  your  trip  to  the 
little  boy's or girl's    room     much    more    enjoyable!

(Some New, Some Old)

Subject: =?utf-8?Q?Sydney=E2=80=99s_Sculpture_by_the_Sea?=

 Click here

Sydney’s Sculpture by the Sea

 Click here

2015 - Sculpture by the Sea

 Click here

2014 - Sculpture by the Sea

 Click here

2013 - Sculpture by the Sea

 Click here

Subject: 10 X Secret Places

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Believe it or not, there are some places in the world that  you  most 
definitely,  are  not allowed to visit.
And  after reading the facts below, some, you most certainly    won't   
want    to.   In   fact,   these   10 destinations   are  shrouded  in  so 
much  mystery,
very  little  is  known  about them - from a volcanic island off the
southern coast of Iceland, to a metro station  in  Russia,  this  list 
delves  into  10  of the most       secretive       spots       in      
the      world.

Subject: Links & Photos

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Dakuwaqu’s Garden (Amazing Photography)

 Click here

XXX

James Bond’s New Car

 Click here

XXX

Simon and Garfunkel

 Click here

XXX

Mao’s Crystal Coffin

 Click here

XXX

Mao’s Miraculous Mangoes

 Click here

XXX

Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Fiat – The Blue Pill

 Click here

XXX

Eagle Cam

 Click here

XXX

10 Things brought by Billionaires

 Click here

XXX

Humanity in Sport

 Click here

XXX

Humanity in Policing

 Click here

XXX

Hamersley – Western Australia

 Click here

XXX

14 Most Important Aircraft

 Click here

XXX

5 Extremely Badass People

 Click here

XXX

Tim Conway – The Old Sheriff

 Click here

XXX

Tim Conway – The Oldest Butcher

 Click here

XXX

10 X Depressing Place Names

 Click here

XXX

16 X Funny Signs

 Click here

XXX

Cows are Smart

 Click here

XXX

B2 Stealth Bomber

 Click here

XXX

When are You Dead?

 Click here

XXX

10 X World’s Dumbest Criminals

 Click here

XXX

Right Moment Sports Photos

 Click here

XXX

Ohio State Marching Band (London 2015 – Brilliant)

 Click here

XXX


Subject: Donald Trump Election Video

 Click here

Donald Trump Election Video

 Click here


Subject: Burqa Debate

 Click here

Why can't Australia come up with good ideas like this ..........
Subject: Flight Attendant

 Click here Click here

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop-dead,
gorgeous flight attendant.


"What is your name?" he asked.
Flight Attendant:  "Angela Benz, sir"


Businessman:  Lovely name.  "Any relation to Mercedes Benz?"
Flight Attendant:  "Yes sir, very close"


Businessman:  How close?


Flight Attendant:  "Same Price"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Quote of the Week:

“I spent a year in that town, one Sunday” - George Burns


Attachments area

Preview YouTube video SLJ900/32 Bridge Girder Erection Mega Machine
(original)


Preview YouTube video Amazing! Bird steals egg camera & films penguin
colony from the air


Preview YouTube video India’s ‘Birdman’ Feeds 4,000 Parakeets A Day


Preview YouTube video Dump truck smashes into highway sign in Saudi Arabia
! Best Accident


Preview YouTube video Dog Goldberg Machine by Beneful®


Preview YouTube video Donkey Tipper ( SUPER )


Preview YouTube video S*xy Hi Jack


Preview YouTube video Dakuwaqa's Garden - Underwater footage from Fiji &
Tonga


Preview YouTube video Mao Zedong's Crystal Mausoleum | China Uncensored


Preview YouTube video Chairman Mao's Miraculous Mangoes! | China Uncensored


Preview YouTube video Official Fiat 500X spot - blue pill


Preview YouTube video Dubai World Record Eagle Flight


Preview YouTube video 10 Most Ridiculous Things Bought By Billionaires


Preview YouTube video When Sports meets Humanity! Amazing Video clip!


Preview YouTube video Where Police Meets Humanity & Heroism ᴴᴰ | REAL
LIFE HEROES


Preview YouTube video 5 Most Badass People Of All Time


Preview YouTube video The Old Sheriff - Tim Conway and Harvey Korman


Preview YouTube video The Carol Burnett Show - The Oldest Butcher with Tim
Conway


Preview YouTube video New B-2 Stealth Bomber Air-to-Air Footage [HD]


Preview YouTube video When are you dead?


Preview YouTube video 10 Dumbest Criminals Of All Time


Preview YouTube video Funny Fail Sports Compilation Oops / Right Moment
Pics ✔


Preview YouTube video Ohio State Marching Band Full London Pregame Show 10
25 2015


Preview YouTube video The Un-Armed Forces Medley (Trump for Prez!)



--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (October 30, 2015)  Index Next (November 13, 2015)