Friday humour - October 16, 2015


Thanks this week to the generous contributiros who keep this alive and
interesting each week  This weeks is fromAnonymous3, Duke of Barsinov,
Sack, Seasoldier, Whizzbang, Wally, Burnout, Great Gussius

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous3 Subject: Buster Keaton chase scene

Had tireless energy!
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Anonymous3
 Subject: What Your Body Does in a Day

What Your Body Does in a Day

Sometimes you may feel like your body is beginning to creak and fail you on
the outside, but do you ever stop to consider the incredible work that is
taking place inside of it? There is so much going on and everything fits
together so well, that it's almost impossible to comprehend it. This
presentation will remind you that there are miracles going on inside your
body every single day.

Heart
 Click here Click here

Cancer
 Click here

Brain
 Click here

Stomach
 Click here

Eyes
 Click here

Energy
 Click here

Red Blood Cells
 Click here

Skin
 Click here

Hair
 Click here

Words
 Click here

Liver
 Click here

Saliva
 Click here

Testicles
 Click here

Kidneys
 Click here

Digestion
 Click here

Regeneration
 Click here

Final Slide
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous3
Subject: Photos 1900-1908 - Amazing quality

These photos of life in the US at the beginning of the 20th century are
truly a walk back in time. The first photo below looks the same today and
many of you have entered it on the way to NY. The third photo shows how
Trolley cars were air conditioned in the summer. The clarity of these
photos from more than 100 years ago is truly phenomenal.
 Click here

| 1900 | New Jersey circa. "Bergen Tunnel, east end"
 Click here

| 1900 | Chicago. "A walk in Lincoln Park"
 Click here

| 1900 | Buffalo, New York. "Labor Day parade, Main Street"
 Click here

| 1900 | "U.S.S. Oregon quarterdeck"Edward H. Hart
 Click here

| 1900 | "U.S.S. Chicago. One of the crew"
 Click here

| 1901 | Buffalo, New York. "Unloading ore from whaleback carrier"
 Click here

| 1901 | "Hanging rock on the Susquehanna near Danville, Pennsylvania"
 Click here

| 1901 | Petoskey, Michigan. "Grand Rapids & Indiana R.R. station"
 Click here

| 1901 | Detroit. "Excursion steamers Tashmoo and Idlewild at wharves"
 Click here

 | 1901 | Colorado. "Station and hotel, summit of Pike's Peak"
 Click here

 | 1902 | "A happy family"
 Click here

 | 1902 | Iowa. "Chicago & North Western Railway steel viaduct over Des
Moines River" William Henry Jackson
 Click here

|1903 | New York. "Brooklyn Terminal at Brooklyn Bridge"
 Click here

|1903 | "S.S. Proteus. High water at New Orleans levee"
 Click here

|1903| "Unloading bananas at New Orleans, Louisiana"
 Click here

|1904| The Jersey Shore. "Steeplechase Pier and bathers, Atlantic City"
 Click here

|1904 |"Michigan Central Railroad. Oiling up before the start"
 Click here

|1904| New York. "The Ponies, Coney Island"
 Click here

|1905| St. Clair,Michigan. "Launch of steamer Frank J. Hecker"
 Click here

|1905| St. Augustine,Florida. "They were on their honeymoon"
 Click here

|1905| Coney Island,New York. "Surf bathing"
 Click here

| 1905 | The New Jersey shore. "Boardwalk and beach, Asbury Park"
 Click here

|1905| Cleveland,Ohio. "Cuyahoga Riverfrom the Viaduct"
 Click here

|1905 |Buffalo, New York. "Jack-Knife Bridge, City Ship Canal, foot of
Michigan Street"
 Click here

|1905| The Detroit River. "Transfer steamer Detroit in the ice"
 Click here

|1905| Houghton, Michigan. "Loading copper on steamer Juniata"
 Click here

|1905 |Buffalo, New York. "Looking up Main Street . Steamer North Land at
Long Wharf"
 Click here

|1905 | "A winter morning"
 Click here

|1905 | Knoxville,Tennessee. "Gay Street looking north from Clinch Avenue"
 Click here

|1905 | Hot Springs, Arkansas. "Roadway through the pines"
 Click here

|1905 | Chicago. "The bridge, Lincoln Park"
 Click here

|1906 | "Mississippi River Landing"
 Click here

|1906 | Birmingham, Alabama. "Second Avenue looking east"
 Click here

|1906 | Gulfport, Mississippi. "Steamer loading resin"
 Click here

|1906 | Wequetonsing, Michigan. "The birches and the bay"
 Click here

|1906 | Circa. "Banana docks, New York"
 Click here

|1906 | "Railroad station, Magnolia, Massachusetts"
 Click here

|1907 | Detroit. "Band concert on Grand Canal, Belle Isle Park"
 Click here

|1907 | "The Brooklyn Bridge Promenade and Manhattan Terminal"
 Click here

|1907 | Chicago, Illinois. "Jackknife Bridge, Chicago River" | Hans Behm
 Click here

|1907 | Chicago, Illinois. "Jackknife Bridge, Chicago River" | Hans Behm
 Click here

|1907 | Savannah, Georgia. "The whole black family at the Hermitage"
 Click here

|1908 | New York. "Times Square" The old New York Times building, now
encased in billboards, Hotel Astor and various theaters seen from
Broadway.
 Click here

|1908 | Detroit. "Waders at Belle Isle Park"
 Click here

|1908 | Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. "Nixon Theatre, Sixth Avenue & Cherry
Alley"
 Click here

|1908 | "Suburban station, Petoskey, Michigan"
 Click here

|1908 | New York. "Pompeiian Room Hotel Seneca"

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous3
Subject: Rodney Dangerfield-clean jokes

With my old man I got no respect. I  asked him, "How can I get my kite in
the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she
won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a s*xy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went
over; nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I was making love to this  girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for  mooning.

The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him,
'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not s*xy. When I put my  underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys  giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during s*x; last night she called me from a
hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had
anything to play with.

It's been a roughday. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and  a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering
me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me
that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with
his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my
father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through
anyway."

I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger
to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I  saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my
parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I
don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big
I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in
the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said:
"Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My
doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the
electric chair.

THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Burnout
Subject: This is what we seniors go through.

The other day I went over to our nearby Terry White Pharmacy. When I got
there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists'
Counter is located and took out my little brown bottle along with a
teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me. I said,
"Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Because I'm a senior ...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me, and
picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and
swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it
out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, "Now,
does that taste sweet to you?" The pharmacist, shaking his head back and
forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"So I said, "Oh
thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to
test my urine for sugar!"

Well, I can never go back to that Terry White, but I really don't care
though, because; they aren't very friendly there anyway.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject:One Heck of a helicopter pilot. Watch this one!
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Fw: Medicine man

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his
ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man
handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned: 'This is a
powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'When
you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life,
and you can perform as long as you want. "The man was encouraged. As he
walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from
working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she
does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon. "He was
very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a
spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the
bedroom. When she came in, he took off his  clothes and said,
'1-2-3!'Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife got excited and
began throwing off her clothes,
but then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for? "And that, boys and girls, is
why we should never end our sentences with a preposition: because we could
end up with a dangling participle.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject:Ducks in heaven.

DUCKS IN HEAVEN !

Three women die together in an accident And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,

'We only have one rule here in heaven:

Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,

There are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on
a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them,

The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains
them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to Spend
eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, The second woman steps accidentally on a duck And along comes
St. Peter, Who doesn't miss a thing.  With him is another extremely ugly
man.

He chains them together With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,

Not wanting to be chained For all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY
careful where she steps. She manages to go months Without stepping on any
ducks,

then One day St.Peter comes up to her With the most handsome man she has
ever laid eyes on .... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, But I stepped on a Duck.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Sack
 Subject:SIGNAGE UPDATE

Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************
And the best one for last......
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject: The joys of being over 70

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business. This FAT Ugly
chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said, "You're kind of Cute. You
gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yea, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yea, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches. . .
But when you are over seventy. . . Who gives a sh*t?

***********
Cowboy:
"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier:
"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy:
"Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over seventy, who gives a sh*t

***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few
pounds, Had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.
" I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead
of you."
When you are over seventy, who gives a sh*t

***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman
was Born just by feeling her b*obs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said,
"Come On, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over seventy, who gives a sh*t

***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.The lifeguard shouted
at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over seventy, who gives a sh*t

***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a FAT chick dancing on a table. I
said,
"Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you are over seventy, who gives a sh*t

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject:I NEARLY BECAME A DOCTOR

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance
exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name
of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are doctors today.

The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier
Subject: Sister Mary Immaculata
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin,
when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer teets, ya b loody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I
don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "P*ss off, ya
fookin' little w*nkers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother
Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier
Subject:The Newfoundland Genie

An Newfoundlander is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A
large genie appears out of the bottle and tells him he has been granted one
wish.

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever." "Sorry,"
said the genie,  I'm not allowed to grant eternal life." "OK, then, I want
to die after an NDP government balances the budget and eliminates the
debt."
The genie stared at him a second or two then says
"You crafty little bastard."

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier
Subject: Fw: The Scottish Cow

The Scottish cow
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland .
It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and
everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never
have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried
to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the
bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise,
tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had
brought the cow over from Scotland.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife is from Scotland??

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier
Subject: Florida Woman stops alligator......WOW!
Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed
woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
She was asked, what is the smallest calibers that you would trust to
protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire, she answered! [A nice testimonial for
the
Beretta Jetfire].
Here is her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The Villages
with my soon-to-be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other
divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly
emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide
open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely
aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol
with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's
knee cap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily and I was able to
escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols
in my collection! Plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really
incredible!"

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Seasoldier
Subject: The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father
as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make
a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the
car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer,
and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've
brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your
Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

"The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that:- Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair."

(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: The Great Gussius
Subject: input output
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject: RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

(this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupil how they spent their
holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they
moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so
they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because
they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it
fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't
do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats
on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go
cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every
night - early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones
who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and
says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.

Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

PRICELESS!

Remember to send this to all your "retarded grandparent" friends and give
them a laugh too!

ENJOY LIFE NOW...IT HAS AN EXPIRATION DATE!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject: ALZHEIMER'S
SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15 seconds..

If you are over 55 yrs old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S

Answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong...didn't you?

You do NOT have Alzheimer's. You are a pervert.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject: Quebec Mayor makes his stand very clear!

MAYOR REFUSES TO REMOVE PORK FROM SCHOOL CANTEEN MENU... EXPLAINS WHY

Muslim parents demanded the abolition of pork in all the school canteens of
a Montreal suburb.

The mayor of the Montreal suburb of Dorval, has refused, and the town clerk
sent a note to all parents to explain why...

Muslims must understand that they have to adapt to Canada and Quebec, its
customs, its traditions, its way of life, because that's where they chose
to immigrate.

They must understand that they have to integrate and learn to live in
Quebec.

They must understand that it is for them to change their lifestyle, not the
Canadians who so generously welcomed them.

They must understand that Canadians are neither racist nor xenophobic, they
accepted many immigrants before Muslims (whereas the reverse is not true,
in that Muslim states do not accept non-Muslim immigrants).

That no more than other nations, Canadians are not willing to give up their
identity, their culture.

And if Canada is a land of welcome, it's not the Mayor of Dorval who
welcomes foreigners, but the Canadian-Quebecois people as a whole.

Finally, they must understand that in Canada (Quebec) with its
Judeo-Christian roots, Christmas trees, churches and religious festivals,
religion must remain in the private domain.

The municipality of Dorval was right to refuse any concessions to Islam and
Sharia.

For Muslims who disagree with secularism and do not feel comfortable in
Canada, there are 57 beautiful Muslim countries in the world, most of them
under-populated and ready to receive them with open halal arms in
accordance with Shariah.

If you left your country for Canada, and not for other Muslim countries, it
is because you have considered that life is better in Canada than
elsewhere.

Ask yourself the question, just once, ??Why is it better here in Canada
than where you come from???

A canteen with pork is part of the answer.??

Hear hear!! Lets hear it for a Quebec mayor !

WAY TO GO QUEBEC........!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject: Prostate checkup

The Doctor finished doing my prostate check and then he left the room.
A nurse came in and whispered the three words every man dreads to hear:
"Who was that?"

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject: Tastefully Offensive: 84-Year-Old Man Surprises 'America's Got
Talent' Judges with Naughty Original Song
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous3
Subject: Photo beauty
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: VW
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject: How To Tell When Bananas Turn Bad....

20130730120320_image1.jpg

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject:gun debate
 Click here Click here

This proves my opinion that there are no experts on anything, there is
always another aspect that you have not considered yet.

Gun Debate...I have friends on both sides of the handgun issue, those who
believe easy access to handguns is not good for this country and those who
believe government has no business dictating ownership one way or the
other.

I have gained valuable understanding from both arguments. I have made my
final decision. Certain Americans, especially those who are more likely to
become victims of crime, need to own and become proficient with handguns!

I can't discuss it any further right now...
It's my turn to pick up the shells

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject:Anger management

File links:
 Click here

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
And you just need to take it out on someone,
Don't take it out on someone you know,
Take it out on someone you don't know,
But you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered A phone call I'd forgotten to
make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying
'Hello.'

I politely said,
'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number

To call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed

The last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an as*hole!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down

With the word 'as*hole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an as*hole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic 'as*hole'
Calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our

Caller ID Program?'

He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an as*hole!'
And hung up.

One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW
Cut me off and pulled into the spot

I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled

That I'd been waiting for that spot,
But the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,
Right after calling the first as*hole (I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW as*hole, too.

I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,
'Yes, it is.'

I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house

And the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,
'What's your name?'

He said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,
'Yes?'

I said,
'Don, you're an as*hole!'

Then I hung up,
And added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,
I had two as*holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called as*hole #1.

He said,
'Hello'

I said,
'You're an as*hole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,
'Are you still there?'

I said,
'Yeah!'

He screamed,
'Stop calling me'

I said,
'Make me.'

He asked,
'Who are you?'

I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,
'As*hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax ,
A yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, as*hole,'
And hung up.

Then I called As*hole #2.

He said,
'Hello?'

I said,
'Hello, as*hole,'

He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,
'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass'

I answered,
'Well, as*hole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my
gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax ..

I got there just in time to watch two as*holes beating the cr*p out of each
other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded
by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Sack
Subject:Any little dog you know?
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Hector Mancha (Magician)
 Click here

Coffee Art
 Click here

16 X Uses for Beer
 Click here

Squirrel Steals Airplane
 Click here

Drunk Guy Steals Airplane
 Click here

All the Crewed Rockets in History Click here

If All the Ice Melted
 Click here

Ireland by Drone
 Click here

Paddling with Whales
 Click here

Golfer with No Arms
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Subject: Aura Glass
 Click here

Aura Glass
 Click here

Note 1 Click on link
Note 2 Move Mouse to move Glass
Note 3 Scroll down for video

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Jaws 19 ?? Trailer (Funny)
 Click here

The 1st Air Force One
 Click here

KLM Airlines Lost & Found
 Click here

Interactive Guide to Italy
 Click here

Evolution of the Batmobile
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Subject: The Croc Whisperer
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Rather than trying to tame wild stallions, fearless Cairns fisherman Chito
prefers a playful wrestle in the water with his best pal Pocho - a deadly
17ft crocodile.

The 52-year-old daredevil draws gasps of amazement from onlookers by wading
chest-deep into the water, then whistling for his 980lb buddy - and giving
him an affectionate hug.

Chito made friends with the croc after finding him with a gunshot wound on
the banks of the Barron River Cairns Australia 30 years ago.

He had been shot in the left eye by a cattle farmer and was close to death.

But Chito enlisted the help of several pals to load the massive reptile
into his boat.

He says: "When I found Pocho in the river he was dying, so I brought him
into my house

"He was very skinny, weighing only around 150 lb. I gave him chicken and
fish and medicine for six months to help him recover.

"I stayed by Pocho's side while he was ill, sleeping next to him at night.
I just wanted him to feel that somebody loved him, that not all humans are
bad.

"It meant a lot of sacrifice. I had to be there every day. I love all
animals ? especially ones that have suffered."

It took years before Chito felt that Pocho had bonded with him enough to
get closer to the animal.

He says: "After a decade I started to work with him. At first it was slow,
slow. I played with him a bit, slowly doing more.

"Then I found out that when I called his name he would come over to me."

At one point during his recovery, Chito left the croc in a lake near his
house.. But as he turned to walk away, to his amazement Pocho got out of
the water and began to follow him home.

Chito recalls: "That convinced me the crocodile could be tame." But when he
first fearlessly waded into the water with the giant reptile his family was
so horrified they couldn't bear to watch. So instead, he took to splashing
around with Pocho when they were asleep..

Four years ago Chito showed some of his tricks to friends, including
getting the animal to close his eyes on command, and they convinced him to
go public with a show.

Now he swims and plays with Pocho as well as feeding him at the lake near
his home in the Lakeland river north west of cairns QLD .

The odd couple have now become a major tourist attraction, with several
tour operators, including Crocodile Adventures, taking visitors on touring
cruises to see the pair.

On the Crocodile Adventures website it describes the spectacle as: "One of
the most amazing things that no tourist will want to miss, the adventure
show between the man and the crocodile."

ONLY IN NORTH QLD AMAZING!!!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Subject: Insane Chinese Traffic Jam
 Click here
 Click here
This is what happens when 50 lanes of traffic, squeeze into 20 lanes.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Subject: The Swinging Sixties
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

For all of you who remember being there....
and for those of you who are too young and weren't there -
but sometimes wish you had been....

Remember the words from the song....

"Where have all the flowers gone?
....long time passing.... "

Have you ever wondered what happened

to all those really cute and crazy, good looking, barefoot, young hippie
chicks who didn't wear bras, did drugs, smoked weed, got tattooed and
shagged every guy they met during that great Age of Aquarius back in the
60s?

Well, wonder no more!

Kinda gets you tingly all over, doesn't it?

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Subject: Urinal Test (Men Only)

Urinal Test (Men Only)
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject: Little Johnny
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Have  good Week

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (October 09, 2015)  Index Next (October 23, 2015)