Friday humour - October 09, 2015

Greetings and salutations to all!  This week's entertainment comes to you
from Whizzbang, Wally, Seasoldier, Sack, KRP, GROPWO, Duke of Barsinov,
Clooney's Twin, Burnout, Billy Bunter of Adelaide, Arfermo and Anon3.

Enjoy!
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Colonoscopy Put To Music

Only the Irish could put this topic to music.

 Click here

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Irish Fire Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London ..

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see how
much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '£39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to
insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it
is on the screen, it says:

*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is £39.00.*'


I always did find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.

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"Imagination" by PermaGrin Films

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I never ever thought I'd see this.

Think Globally Act Locally

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Don't dismiss the ladies' grasp of technology.....

" Morning S*x "

She was standing in the kitchen,
preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only the tee shirt that she normally slept in.  As I walked in,
almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going
to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still
around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's buggered."

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How to make a Boeing B789....

Beats an Airfix kit! Fascinating!

 Click here

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The Scotsman song

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Darwin Award

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Possum problem

There were four churches and a synagogue in town: Anglican church, Baptist
church, Methodist church, Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each
church and the synagogue had a problem with possums.
The Anglican church called a meeting to decide what to do about their
possums After much prayer and consideration they decided that the possums
were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's will.
At the Baptist church the possums had taken an interest in the baptismal
font. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide in the font and let
the possums drown themselves. The possums liked the slide and knew
instinctively how to swim so twice as many possums showed up the following
week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any
of God's creatures. So they humanely trapped their possums and set them
free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the possums were back when
the Baptists took down the water slide.
The Catholic Church came up with a creative strategy. They baptised all the
possums and confirmed them as members of the church. Now they only see them
at Christmas, Easter, weddings and funerals.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumoured that they
took one possum and circ*mcised him and they haven't seen a possum on their
property since.

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2015 Darwin Awards

The 2015  Charles Darwin Awards are finally out.

The annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest
service by killing themselves in the  most extraordinarily stupid way.

Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine   which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.

This year's winner was a real rocket scientist... HONEST!

Read on...And remember that each and every one of these is TRUE.

And the  nominees were:


Semifinalist #1

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,

because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk.

Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
fireplace in his house.

The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him
and his sister.


Semifinalist #2

 Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they decided to 'moon' the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed.  They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around
their ankles.


 Semifinalist #3

 A 22-year-old  Reston , VA , man was found dead after he tried to use 
octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax
County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these
straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to
the trestle at Lake Accotink Park , jumped and hit the pavement.

 Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was
alone because his car was found nearby. 'The length of the cord that he had
assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the
ground,' Carmichael said.  Police say the apparent cause of death was
'Major trauma.'


 Semifinalist #4

 A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a  
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The
friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.


 Semifinalist #5

 Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell   of
a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.   After the building had
been evacuated, two technicians from the gas  company were dispatched. Upon
entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the
dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.  Witnesses later
described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter!  Upon operation of
the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse   exploded, sending
pieces of it up to 3 miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but
the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician
suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by
his peers.


 Now, the winner of this year's  Darwin Award (awarded, as always,
posthumously):


 The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal   embedded
in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve.

 The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car.
The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators
finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist.... had
somehow gotten hold of a J A T O unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a
solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an
extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy
Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road.

 He attached the J A T O unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and
fired off the J A T O!  The facts as best as could be determined are that
the operator of the   1967 Impala hit the J A T O ignition at a distance of
approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site.

 This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.


 The J A T O, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust
within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350
mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds. The
driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces   usually
reserved for dog fighting F -14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him
to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.   However, the
automobile remained on the straight highway for about  2.5 miles (15-20
seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes,
blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface,

then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff
face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the
rock.   Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small
fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and 
fingernail and bone shards  were removed from a piece of debris believed to
be a portion of the steering wheel.


Epilogue:  It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed
of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the
ground.

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Museum Surprises

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East Coast Humour

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right
away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go
along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very
nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his
towel,climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck
gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.

This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he
again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more
demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd
learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of
the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other
end.

She did laps in freestyle, breast-stroke, even butterfly!

After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out
and lay down on her towel, barely breathing heavy.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

No, she said, "I was a hooker in Halifax and I worked both sides of the
harbour!"

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The Good Doctor

A Husband & Wife went to the Doctor. The Doctor took the husband in first.

The husband was a bit embarrassed & told the Doctor he had trouble getting
an erection with his wife & she was getting frustrated.

He checked his Blood Pressure etc., & finally told him he'd see his wife
now.

He took her to another cubicle & told her to completely disrobe. Then he
told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed.

He then told her to turn around in the other direction. Then he said, "Ok
you can get dressed now, I'll talk to your husband."

The Doctor went into the other office & told the husband, "You can relax.
Don't worry, there's nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection
either!"

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You know it's hot in Australia when:

1) The best parking spot is determined by shade, not distance

2) Hot water comes out of both taps

3) You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron

4) The temperature drops below 32 degrees C and you feel chilly

5) You know that in January and February it only takes two fingers to steer
a car

6) You discover you can get sunburnt through your windscreen

7) You develop a fear of metal door handles

8) You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7am

9) Your biggest bicycle accident fear is "What if I get knocked out and end
up lying on the road, getting cooked?"

10) You realise that asphalt has a liquid state

11) Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to prevent them from
laying hard boiled eggs

12) The trees are whistling for dogs

13) While walking back barefoot to your car from any event, you do a
tightrope act on the white lines in the car park

14) You catch a cold from having the aircon on full blast all night long

15) You realise that Westfield Shopping Centres aren't just Shopping
Centres - they are temples where we worship Air Conditioning

16) Sticking your head in the freezer and taking deep breaths is considered
normal

17) A cup full of ice is considered a great snack

18) A black out is life threatening because your aircon and your fans no
longer work.

19) No one cares if you walk around with no shoes on

20) You keep everything in the fridge, including potatoes, bread and
clothing

21) People have enough left over beer cans to make a boat and compete in a
regatta.

22) The effort of towelling yourself off after a shower means you need
another shower right away.

23) You will wait patiently until the day it starts raining to go on a run.

24) You worry your ceiling fan is spinning so fast it will fly off and kill
you

25) You laugh because this list is so accurate

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Sheila

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the
bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits
and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. 'Bruce, Bruce' she yelled.
Bruce came running in.
'Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor' she said.
'Strewth' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl.
I'll go across the road and get Frank.
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said.
'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?
'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under
her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank.
'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play
with her tits.'
'Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'
'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide
her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'.

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And he never cracked a grin during the whole thing

HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE WHAT HE WAS ON ABOUT ! ! ! VERY TECHNICAL

 Click here

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Home Schooled...

Most of our generation of 50+ was
HOME SCHOOLED in many ways.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL  DONE .
      "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
      "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
      "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
      "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
      "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
      "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY.
      "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
      "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
      "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
      "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
      "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
      "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't
exaggerate!"
 13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
      "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
      "Stop acting like your father!"
 15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
      "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do."
 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
      "Just wait until we get home."
 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
      "You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
      "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck
that way."
 19. My mother taught me ESP.
      "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
 20. My father taught me HUMOR.
      "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
      "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
 22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
      "You're just like your father."
 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
      "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
 24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
      "When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
 25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
      "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

      This was only sent to the over 50 crowd because the younger ones
would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents

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Saudi Arabia Has 100,000 Air Conditioned Tents

SH*T THAT PEOPLE DONT KNOW ------ HYPOCRITES LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN  ----
 THE WORLD IS IN BIG TROUBLE

They all want to go to Germany!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SAUDI ARABIA HAS 100,000 AIR CONDITIONED TENTS THAT CAN HOUSE 3 MILLION
PEOPLE SITTING EMPTY YET HAS TAKEN ZERO REFUGEES

While European countries are being lectured about their failure to take in
enough refugees, Saudi Arabia � which has taken in precisely zero
migrants � has 100,000 air conditioned tents that can house over 3
million people sitting empty.

The sprawling network of high quality tents are located in the city of
Mina, spreading across a 20 square km valley, and are only used for 5 days
of the year by Hajj pilgrims. As the website Amusing Planet reports, �For
the rest of the year, Mina remains pretty much deserted.�

The tents, which measure 8 meters by 8 meters, were permanently constructed
by the Saudi government in the 1990�s and were upgraded in 1997 to be
fire proof. They are divided into camps which include kitchen and bathroom
facilities.

The tents could provide shelter for almost all of the 4 million Syrian
refugees that have been displaced by the country�s civil war, which was
partly exacerbated by Saudi Arabia�s role in funding and arming jihadist
groups.

However, as the Washington Post reports, wealthy Gulf Arab nations like
Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Kuwait and others have taken in precisely zero Syrian
refugees. Although Saudi Arabia claims it has taken in 500,000 Syrians
since 2011, rights groups point out that these people are not allowed to
register as migrants. Many of them are also legal immigrants who moved
there for work. In comparison, Lebanon has accepted 1.3 million refugees
� more than a quarter of its population.

While it refuses to take in any more refugees, Saudi Arabia has offered to
build 200 mosques for the 500,000 migrants a year expected to pour into
Germany.

Saudis argue that the tents in Mina are needed to host the annual Islamic
pilgrimage to Mecca, but given that the Arabic concept of Ummah is supposed
to offer protection to all Muslims under one brotherhood, surely an
alternative location could be found so that Mina can be repurposed to house
desperate families fleeing war and ISIS persecution?

While Europe is being burdened by potentially millions of people who
don�t share the same culture or religion as the host population, Gulf
Arab states refuse to pull their weight, resolving only to throw money at
the problem.

The likelihood of the Saudis inviting Syrian refugees to stay in Mina is
virtually zero, but the thousands of empty tents serve as a physical
representation of the hypocrisy shared by wealthy Gulf Arab states when it
comes to helping with the crisis.

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What the Sydney Fire Commander Said! Priceless!

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.
Not fair to make judgement of this, until you see what the Fire Commander
says!!!!

In Macquarie Fields, Australia, a 4-flat housing trust property was
destroyed by a fire.

A Maori family of 9, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the
right first floor flat. Sadly, they died.

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from
Pakistan, lived on the right ground floor flat. They, too, all perished.

Five Aboriginals, all ex-cons lived on the left ground floor. They, too,
died.

A white couple lived on the left first floor flat.
The couple survived the fire.

Various multicultural agencies were furious!!  They flew into Sydney and
met with the fire commander.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why 21 Maoris, Muslims and
Aboriginals all died in the fire and why only the white couple lived?


The Fire Commander said,
"They were at work."

So.............................................?

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A bit of light humour for your day! Enjoy a laugh or two!


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Smiles on a miserable day!

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The 23 stone woman

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The question is, what does a 23 stone woman look like?  Now, before you
look at her pictures, get a mental image of what you think a woman who
weighs 23 stone looks like....

Got it?

Ready?

Sure?  Here goes, brace yourself....

Not what you were expecting was it??!!

The tallest woman in the world lives in Holland . She is 7'4' and weighs 23
stone.

What a relief! Now we ALL know we aren't overweight, just too short!
Have A Great Day and Enjoy some Chocolate!

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Killing time in Ikea
 Click here

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Funny

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Airport Body Scans Results

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Subject: Airport Body Scans Results

CATSA (Canadian Air Transport Security Authority)disclosed the following

December 2014 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA :

Terrorists Discovered
0

Transvestites
133

Hernias
1,485

Haemorrhoid Cases
3,172

Enlarged Prostates
8,249

Breast Implants
59,350

Natural Blondes
3

It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.

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Exclusive pic - Water on Mars

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This is what's coming

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This is what's coming down the pipe very soon (cool stuff - I want some)

Bike Pack

Glass Holder

Traffic Signal with Hour glass timer

Solar Charging while Parking

No more Blind Spots (rear view mirror)

Wearable wireless mouse

Hoodie BackPack

Hidden Power Outlet

Unique umbrella design

Ruler with holes for precision

Eco friendly Toilet

Solar rocking chair

Digitally precise protractor

You will have no problem finding the keyhole

For smart parents

Bicycle Parking

Digital Measuring Cup

Built-in Wall extension cord

iPhone Lens

Spoke-less bicycle

Compact Boots

Digital Ink for Tablets

Solar Charges + Window Stickies

Knives Set

Rubik's cube for the blind

Zipper Ear Phones

Self-Locking Bike

Calendar Ring

Solar Powered Camping Tent

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Read to the end

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Read to the end. It's just beautiful.

Please read to end of message ............it's just beautiful!

FOR SALE

One Useless Bloody Cat

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2015 Sao Paulo Carnaval

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Beard Beer

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Oregon's Rogue Brewery boasts that its Beard Beer is made with only hops,
malts, free-range coastal water, and Beard Yeast, collected from the beard
of its brew master, John Maier.

Maybe it's a really great beer, but I think they would have been better off
keeping the source of the yeast, as their own little secret.

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Links & Photos

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Links & Photos

Lapcat A2 Hypersonic Passenger Plane

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The Old Days

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Only in Scotland

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South East Asia

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7yo Girl Hypnotizes 5 Animals (Amazing at the End)

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Do You Remember These (Statler Brothers)

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Human Planet (BBC One)

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Brutal Car Crashes

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Niagara Falls

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Helicopter used in Construction

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XXX
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Royal Navy's New Destroyers

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The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers:

Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless,
the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from the European Union
in Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circ*mspect, HMS Nervous,
HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist. Costing �850 million each, they comply
with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights
laws. The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and
to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live
ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone
getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress
counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will a full sympathetic
industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and will contain the correct balance
of race, gender, s*xuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum
of 37 hours per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in
wartime. All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a creche and a
gay disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will
be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for "Rum, sodomy
and the lash" so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water.
Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will
still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by
"Hello Sailor". All information on notice boards will be in 37 different
languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer have to ask
permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to female
crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White
Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain
Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the
hull. She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays
the Village People's "In the Navy".

Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to
ports on England's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern
thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new legislation
from Brussels "

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules.�

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Revenge Parking!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

BALLS

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is
    BASKETBALL/NETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is
     BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is
     FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is
     CRICKET.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is
     TENNIS.

And...

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is
     GOLF.

THE amazing facts are,
The higher you go in the corporate structure,

the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in Canberra playing
     MARBLES.

You know you WILL PASS THIS ONE ON!


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[ End friday humour ]

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