Friday humour - October 02, 2015

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

Who's at the Door:
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: It's still happening to this day!

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.     He called
the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for
the next few hours.The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of
rain in the coming days.So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.     Upon seeing the king the
farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because
in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace
meteorologist in high regard.     He is an extensively educated and
experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages.     He gave me a
very different forecast.I trust him and I will continue on my way."     So
they did. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. 
   The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon
seeing them in such a shameful condition.     Furious, the king returned to
the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he
summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of
royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything
about forecasting.     I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my
donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."    So
instead, the King hired the donkey.    And thus began the practice of
hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most
influential positions.    And thus the practice continues to this very day.


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From: Sack
Subject:A Fun Commercial
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject:PROPOSED CHANGES TO THE AUSTRALIAN HEALTH-CARE PROGRAMME

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the.
Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the
Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up.”
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the
Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of
the whole thing.
The Ear Nose & Throat specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear
of it.
The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter…."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the
Urologists were p*ssed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to
the ar*eholes in Canberra.

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From: Sack
Subject: Indianna Abbott;
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier (Seasoldier finally admits to a few problems - ED)
Subject: A Tip From An Old Man

When you see a woman.... And want her badly....
Please consider the following....
No matter how beautiful she is.....
No matter how s*xy she is....
No matter how seductive she is...
No matter how huge her breasts are...
I've completely forgotten where I was going with this...
SORRY FOR WASTING YOUR TIME!

 Subject:: The Aisle Seat

A heart warming story
Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the
other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get
a Coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for
you.'
As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in
it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That
looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to
fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat
in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab
neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?'
'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations?
This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and p*ssing in Cokes?'

Subject: Skipping Mass

The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and, realising it was an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day and decided he just had
to play golf.
So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him
to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of
town to a golf course about forty miles away.
This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his
parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down
from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away
with this, are you ?”
The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420
YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you
let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied,

Who’s he going to tell ?"

Subject: ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite
her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a
grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out
laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself.
The man replied,
'Well your Honour, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I
couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that
said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'...... I just lost
it.'!!!

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!

Subject: Fwd: Squirrel trying to bury nut . . .
 Click here

Subject: video - French comedy act

French Chefs Burlesque Comedy Act (video)
 Click here

Subject: Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon the engineer,
dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, starts designing and
building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
'So, how's it going down there in Hell?'

Satan replies, 'Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators and there's no telling what this engineer is
going to come up with next.'

God replies, 'What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here.' Satan says, 'No way.

I like having an engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him.'

God says," Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers," Yeah, right.
And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Subject: Fw: Skipping
See if you can count how many times she skips rope without stumbling.
I’m at 642,778.
  target=_blank>Click here

Subject: Psychiatrist vs. Bartender Just rht thanks Rosalie for this humor.

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at
night.
So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go
to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going
crazy.” “Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink.
Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears.” “How much do you charge?” “One hundred fifty dollars
per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to
see me about those fears you were having?” He asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00.  A
bartender cured me for $10.00.  I was so happy to have saved all that money
that I went and bought a new pickup truck.” “Is that so?” With a bit
of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.  Ain't nobody under there
now.”
It's always better to get a second opinion.

Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the fire hydrant

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From: Wally
Subject: Awesome Machines  Click here 

 Click here  Click here 

 Click here  Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Tony again  Click here


Subject: I WISH TO APPLY FOR AN OPERATION TO MAKE ME STERILE

MY REASONS ARE NUMEROUS. AS,AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR
SEVEN YEARS AND HAVING SEVEN CHILDREN I HAVE COME TO THE
CONCLUSION THAT CONTRACEPTIVES ARE TOTALLY USELESS.

AFTER GETTING MARRIED I WAS ADVISED TO USE THE RHYTHM
METHOD. DESPITE TRYING THE TANGO AND SAMBA,
MY WIFE FELL PREGNANT AND I RUPTURED MYSELF DOING THE CHA CHA  CHA
A DOCTOR SUGGESTED USING THE SAFE PERIOD AT THE TIME,
WE WERE LIVING WITH THE IN- LAWS AND WE HAD TO WAIT THREE
WEEKS FOR A SAFE PERIOD WHEN THE HOUSE WAS EMPTY.
NEEDLESS TO SAY THIS DIDN’T WORK.

A LADY OF SEVERAL YEARS EXPERIENCE INFORMED US THAT IF WE
MADE LOVE WHILST BREAST FEEDING WE WOULD BE ALL RIGHT  IT’S HARDLY FOUREX
BUT I DID FINISH UP WITH CLEAR SKIN, SILKY HAIR AND FELT VERY HEALTHY.
BUT ONCE AGAIN MY WIFE BECAME PREGNANT

ANOTHER OLD WIVES TAIL WE HEARD WAS THAT IF MY WIFE JUMPED UP AND DOWN
AFTER S*X, THIS WOULD PREVENT PREGNANCY.

AFTER CONSTANT BREAST FEEDING, INCLUDING MY EARLIER ATTEMPTS,
THE SIZE OF MY WIFE’S BREASTS WERE SUCH THAT IF SHE JUMPED UP AND DOWN
TOO MANY TIMES,
SHE WOULD FINISH UP WITH TWO BLACK EYES AND EVENTUALLY KNOCK HERSELF
UNCONSCIOUS.

I ASKED  THE CHEMIST ABOUT THE SHEATH.
HE DEMONSTRATED HOW EASY IT WAS TO USE,
SO I GOT A PACKET. MY WIFE FELL PREGNANT AGAIN,
WHICH REALLY DIDN’T SURPRISE ME.
AS I FAIL TO SEE HOW A SHEATH STRETCHED OVER A THUMB
AS THE CHEMIST HAD SHOWN CAN PREVENT BABIES.

A COIL WAS THEN SUPPLIED, BUT AFTER SEVERAL UNSUCCESSFUL
ATTEMPTS TO FIT IT WE REALISED WE HAD GOT LEFT HAND THREAD
AND MY WIFE IS DEFINITELY A RIGHT HAND SCREW.

A DUTCH CAP CAME NEXT. WE WERE VERY HOPEFUL OF THIS,
AS IT DIDN’T INTERFERE WITH OUR S*X LIFE AT ALL.
BUT ALAS IT GAVE MY WIFE SEVERE HEADACHES,
FOR ALTHOUGH WE WERE GIVEN THE LARGEST SIZE AVAILABLE,
IT STILL WAS TOO TIGHT ACROSS HER FOREHEAD.

FINALLY WE TRIED THE PILL. AT FIRST IT KEPT FALLING OUT, UNTIL WE REALISED 
WE WERE DOING IT WRONG.
MY WIFE THEN STARTED HOLDING THE PILL BETWEEN HER KNEES, THUS PREVENTING ME
FROM GETTING ANYWHERE NEAR HER
THIS DID WORK FOR A WHILE UNTIL THE NIGHT SHE FORGOT HER PILL.

YOU MUST APPRECIATE MY PROBLEM. IF THIS OPERATION IS
UNSUCCESSFUL I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE WILL DO. I GUESS
WE WILL HAVE TO REVERT TO ORAL S*X,
ALTHOUGH JUST TALKING ABOUT IT CAN NEVER BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR THE REAL
THING.

YOURS FAITHFULLY      DESPERATE.

Subject:  Please help these refugees with food and water!!!.

Through the pictures we have seen lately, we can see that these people are
not happy with the compassion shown by the infidels, but claim the right
for better treatment on their terms !!!

    Wim.

HOW CAN YOU TAKE THESE PEOPLE SERIOUSLY – ARE THEY REALLY "NEEDY
REFUGEES"???

I don't know why they are allowed in - they will soon start causing
problems.
The food and water were provided by the Red Cross and was not acceptable
because – the Cross is a “Christian” symbol.
Perhaps also the water was not certified Halal!!
This just about sums it up !
Why was it not on TV ?
 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Pets who look just like their owners
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Clooney's Twin
Subject: Pope being popey
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: VW emissions
 Click here

Clever letter to the paper, asking a good question.

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From: Sack
Subject:  Tony's new job
 Click here Click here

Subject: : GETTINGER is the BEER...GREAT AD
 Click here

Subject: Streaker
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Fw: Photo Of The Day
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

But with much confessing to do!
Deep down, he's still one of us!

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Fw: So it goes.................................
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

And the years go by.....

Cinderella is divorced…

Snow White has not been so lucky…

Little-Red-Riding-Hood hasn’t seen the Wolf since…

Sleeping Beauty is still asleep…

The Little Mermaid has met  a sad fate

Barbie celebrated her 50th Birthday this year…

Little Tweety is 60 years old…

 o is Superman…

Wonder Woman is menopausal…

Batman and Robin are living it up at the Nursing Home…

Spider-Man is attached to different threads…

This getting old thing is starting to suck !

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Puzzle; its so obvious, but... !
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: 3 Penises
 Click here

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife from America were
staring at a portrait, that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of
the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting, and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour, explaining how it depicted the s*xual
emasculation of African Americans.

'In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink
penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression, experienced
by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would
you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery,' asked the couple?

'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact,
there are no African Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for
lunch.

Subject: Australia
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Australia

    1. An Australian box jellyfish sting can lead to cardiovascular
collapse and death within minutes, making it the most venomous creature on
Earth.

    2. Far North Queensland’s rainforests host a neurotoxic stinging tree
that feels “like being burnt with hot acid and electrocuted at the same
time”, causing months of excruciating pain.

    3. Despite being the size of a $2 coin, Irukandji venom is 100 times
more potent than cobra venom.

    4. Giant thunder birds (Dromornithidae) roamed Australia as recently as
15,000 years ago.

    5. Every year someone loses an eye to one of Australia’s most
dangerous predators: the magpie.

    6. Australia’s cyclones were originally named after politicians a
weatherman disliked: As a result, he was able to report that the pollies
were “causing great distress” or “wandering aimlessly about the
Pacific”.

    7. The world’s largest cattle station at 24,000 square kilometres,
Anna Creek Station in South Australia is bigger than Israel.

    8. If Australia’s biggest electoral district Durack was a country it
would be the 19th largest on Earth. At 1,587,758 square kilometres, Durak
is bigger than France, Germany, and Spain combined.

    9. The 14,500-kilometre-long (9,000 miles) Highway 1 is the world’s
longest national highway. If you drove 10 hours a day, averaging 100
kilometres per hour, it would take at least two weeks to circ*mnavigate
Australia.

    10. Australia has 10,685 beaches. You could visit a new beach every day
for more than 29 years.

    11. There are officially 65,486 Jedi in Australia (including Jedi
Knights, Padawan, and Sith Lords) making Jedi the 18th biggest religion.

    12. In 2013, a feral pig stole 18 beers from campers, got drunk, and
started a fight with a cow.

    13. Rum was the main currency in colonial Australia. When Gov. William
Bligh tried to end the army officers’ monopoly in 1808, his government
was overthrown in the only coup in Australian history.

    14. Bushranger Moondyne Joe escaped jail so many times the government
built a special cell to hold him. The governor said: “If you get out
again, I’ll forgive you.” He escaped, and was released when captured.

    15. Twenty-four rabbits released in Victoria in 1859 grew to a
population of 10 billion in less than 70 years.

    16. Built to keep Australia’s native dog away from sheep, the
5,500-kilometre Dingo Fence is the longest fence on Earth.

    17. In World War II, a kelpie dog named Gunner had hearing so acute he
could warn air force personnel of incoming Japanese planes 20 minutes
before they arrived.

    18. Prime Minister Harold Holt disappeared while swimming in 1967 and
was never found. Australia named a swimming pool after him.

    19. In 1970 a dispute between a farming family and the government led
to the family declaring independence and creating the Principality of Hutt
River.

    20. When Burger King arrived in Australia in 1971 it was forced to
change its name to Hungry Jack’s because a takeaway joint in Adelaide had
already trademarked the name.

    Source: Where’s the Beef? Why Burger King Is Hungry Jack’s in
Australia and Other Complications in Building a Global Franchise Brand”,
Northwestern Journal of International Law and Business, 2008

    21. When the Skylab space station crashed near Esperance, Western
Australia, in 1979, the town’s council issued NASA a $400 fine for
littering, which was never paid.

    22. In 1979 police battled 4,000 rioters in Newcastle angry at the
closure of the city’s Star Hotel pub.

    23. Weird Al Yankovic’s “Eat It” hit the top of Australia’s
charts in 1984, while Michael Jackson’s original “Beat It” only
reached No. 3.

    24. In 1992 media tycoon Kerry Packer cancelled new show Australia’s
Naughtiest Home Videos half an hour into its first episode, demanding,
“Get this sh*t off my station!”

    25. Issued as Australian legal tender, the most valuable coin in the
world is a $1 million coin made by Perth Mint, which weights one tonne and
is 99.99% pure gold. It is actually worth almost $52 million ($40.8 million
USD).

    26. The last 24 members of a species of giant stick insect were found
under a bush on Ball’s Pyramid off Lord Howe Island in 2001, 80 years
after the last sighting.

    27. The size of a human hand, the bugs are known as “tree lobsters”
because of their hard exoskeleton.

    28. In 2012 an episode of Peppa Pig was deemed unsuitable for broadcast
in Australia because it said that spiders were not to be feared.

    29. While Australia has the world’s most venomous spiders, there have
been actually been zero spider bite-related fatalities since 1979.

    30. Australia’s yellow-bellied three-toed skink is currently evolving
from egg laying to live births.

    31. Australia has an owl so large it hunts and eats possums, and is
called the powerful owl.

    32. Australia’s second most dangerous creature is the European honey
bee, which 1–2% of the population is allergic to. It kills more people
than sharks on average.
    View this image ›

    33. There is a place in Western Australia where space is closer than
the nearest town.

Subject: Bus Stops
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Japanese Fruit Bus Stops

Here is a selection of Russian Weird Bus Stops
 Click here

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Subject: 12 X Photos of Austria
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Gold Medals?
 Click here

Inferno
 Click here

Wedding Dance (Different)
 Click here

4WD Adventure
 Click here

Have You Been Drinking?
 Click here

American Civil War (Then & Now)
 Click here

Fake a Baby (Only $9.95)
 Click here

Topiary Gardens
 Click here

Airbus A380 Landing
 Click here

How to Clean between the Glass on Oven Door
 Click here

2015 Best Astronomy Photos
 Click here

$100 Million Home
 Click here

Chinese Performers
 Click here

Syria Explained
 Click here

USS Pennsylvania (World’s largest Submarine) 
 Click here

Crosswinds at Birmingham, England  Click here

The Mother of All Inventions
 Click here

Friends Furever
 Click here

38,000 Miles of Alaskan Coastline Photographed
 Click here

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Quote of the Week:

“Women who seek to be equal with Men lack Ambition.”

- Timothy Leary.



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[ End friday humour ]

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