Friday humour - September 18, 2015

So here we are with yet another unelected PM. Sigh. Still, he has to do a
better job than Tony. Surely ...

This week some parts by Burnout, Duke of Barsinov, Sack, Seasoldier, The
Great Gussius and Wally.

Enjoy!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Prostate Exam...Thai Style..

Here's a little story to cheer up all men.

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on
the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test
carried out while visiting in Thailand, where there are beautiful nurses
who are more gentle and accommodating.

As usual, he was asked to strip off and lie naked on his side on the bed.
An attractive nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," said
the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection," said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Digging In The Backyard

We all grow up digging around in sand boxes hoping to strike it rich and
find some hidden ancient treasures. What we typically find is an old
Matchbox car or a present left behind by a cat. Either way it?ÇÖs very rare
to find something desirable. Well, that?ÇÖs   not quite the case with a
young group of boys in California. They were digging in their yard when
they found something that would make anyone?ÇÖs jaw drop and their mouth
start drooling. In 1978, these kids were digging in their yard when they
came across something big, something metal, and something very very
valuable. A buried Ferrari!

The boys actually discovered a 1974 Ferrari Dino 246 GTS buried just a few
feet under the dirt in their yard. The family had just moved into the house
and immediately called authorities who came and roped off the area. A team
of investigators arrived and unearthed the rare car.

After exhuming the Italian sports car, it was obvious that someone had
planned on returning to retrieve the vehicle. It was very crudely mummified
with towels in the vents and tape on many of the seams however the windows
weren?ÇÖt fully closed causing a lot of interior damage.

Farmers Insurance was contacted and because of the VIN number they traced
the last owner. After the investigation, it turns out that the owner of the
car had actually hired thieves to steal the car and dump it in the ocean so
he could claim insurance on it. The thieves buried the car with the
intention of returning to pick it up.

The buried Ferrari was then auctioned off after being on display with the
incredible story being reported across the nation. It was purchased by a
young mechanic who owned his own shop in California. The going price was
estimated to be between $5,000 and $9,000.

He fully restored the buried Ferrari and often enters the car into car
shows. Here are the pictures of the car after the complete restoration.

Everything on the car has been restored to the exact factory condition.
However, this car comes with some incredible history and an awesome story.

The car even has a vanity plate which reads "DUG UP". How perfect is that?

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

The day finally arrived.  Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates.  However, the gates are closed, and Forrest
approaches the gatekeeper.

The gatekeeper said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We
have heard a lot about you. I must tell you though, that the place is
filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for
everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get
into
Heaven.

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, sir. But nobody ever told me
about any entrance exam. I sure hope the test ain't too hard. Life was a
big enough test as it was.'

The gatekeeper continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three
questions.

First:
  What two days of the week begin, with the letter T?

Second:
  How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
  What is God's first name?

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and
sees
St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to
think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins
with the letter 'T'?   Shucks,

That would be

Today and Tomorrow.'

The gatekeeper's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not
what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not
specify,
so I will give

you credit for that answer. How about the next one?'

'How many seconds in a year?'

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about
that,
and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, the gatekeeper said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's
name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year ?

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...

'Hold it,' interrupts the gatekeeper. 'I see where you are going with this,
and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind... but I
will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third
and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, it's Andy. '

'Andy?' exclaimed the exasperated and frustrated gatekeeper. Ok, I  can
understand how you came up with the answers to my earlier questions, but
just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name
of God?

You are going to love this

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. I learnt it
from the song,
 ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
 ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
 ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.

The gate keeper opened the Pearly Gates, and said:"Run, Forrest, run".

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

CLEAN CATHOLIC JOKE

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from
the
Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the
room, strip off their habits, and paint naked...

In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room.

They open the door ... "Nice Tits," says the man. "Where do you want these
blinds hung?"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A BIBLICAL STORY

A beautiful woman runs a red traffic light and crashes into a man's car.
Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly, neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says to the man:
"Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are
unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and
live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man looks at the beautiful woman and replies:
"I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues:
"And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished,
but my bottle of red wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this
wine and celebrate our good fortune."

She then hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it, drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman. The
woman takes the bottle and the cap from the man, puts the cap back on, and
hands the bottle back to the man.

The man takes it and asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "Nah, I think I'll just wait for the police."

And remember. Adam ate the apple too.

Will men ever learn?

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Wanna understand women?
 Click here
There you have it.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Things That are Hilariously Similar to Famous People
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Taxi!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

I'm Quitting Facebook
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

CATHOLIC MORNING COFFEE

Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters
Square .

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he
walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a
room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room
everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he
walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four
men give her a subtle, "Well ...?"

She proudly replies, I have a daughter,
SLIM & TALL 40 D Breasts 24" WAIST and 34" HIPS
When she walks into a room, people say, " JESUS"!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

If My Nose was Running Money (Aaron Wilburn)  Click here

United Church of Bacon
 Click here

Speeding in Florida School Zone  Click here

Le Petit Chef
 Click here

Gerry Hertzberg's Rally (Drivers & Spectators are All Mad)
 Click here

Truck vs Tree
 Click here

Meteor over Bangkok
 Click here

Brief History of the Royal Family  Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Bonerol
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Apples
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Smiles
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (September 11, 2015)  Index Next (September 25, 2015)