Friday humour - September 11, 2015

This weeks humour includes contributions from Billy Bunter of Adelaide,
Duke oF Barsinov, Havarum, Haz, Sack, Seasodier and Wally

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HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE; PLEASE DO NOT "GOOGLE"
THIS ONE OR CHECK WITH "SNOPES". THEY WILL LIE TO YOU. TRUST ME!

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham
Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot
for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder
and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from
town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy
tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of
a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between
to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling
you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery
made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold
all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his
tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was
known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a
language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly
take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new
riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real
riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of
Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on
drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and
drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it
came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are.."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO
Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid
(GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around
the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything
(GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth. I would not make up this
stuff.

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Most Interesting Facts You Should Know
1. Hot water will turn into ice faster than cold water.
2. The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.
3. The sentence, ??The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog?? uses every
letter in the English language.
4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
5. Ants never sleep!
6. I Am is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
7. Coca-Cola was originally green.
8. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
9. When the moon is directly overhead, you will weigh slightly less.
10. Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from the blowing desert
sand.
11. There are only two words in the English language that have all five
vowels in order: ??abstemious?? and ??facetious.??
12. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start
with.
13. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
14. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only
on one row of the keyboard.
15. Minus 40 degrees Celsius is exactly the same as minus 40 degrees
Fahrenheit.
16. Chocolate can kill dogs, as it contains theobromine, which affects
their heart and nervous system.
17. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!
18. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
19. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
20. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most
often stolen from Public Libraries.
21. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your
heart stops for a millisecond.
22. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky
23. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest
tongue twister in the English language.
24. Rhythm is the longest English word without a vowel.
25. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress
a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
26. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from
history.
Spades - King David
Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Hearts - Charlemagne
Diamonds - Julius
28. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
29. If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of
wounds received in battle.
If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.
30. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser
printers all have in common?
Ans. - All invented by women.
31. Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this?
Ans. - Honey
32. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
33. A snail can sleep for three years.
34. All polar bears are left handed.
35. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from
each salad served in first-class.
36. Butterflies taste with their feet.
37. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
38. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
39. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
40. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
41. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
42. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
43. The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.
44. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over
million descendants.
45. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your
ear by 700 times
46. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
47. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
48. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

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WHEN IS 'EVIDENCE' NOT 'EVIDENCE'?
 Click here

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Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked a fellow
passenger, a Catholic priest, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is
unopened but, well over the customs limits.
I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for
me?'
I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not tell a
lie.'
'It would mean so much to me; and with your honest face, Father, I'm sure
that no one will question you. Please try.'
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, 'And what
do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but
which, to date, remains unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

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A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship
with their  husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your
husband?"
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you
loved him?"
Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their
husband:
"I love you, sweetheart."
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and
read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

Below are hilarious 12 replies.
If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these
replies are a sign of true love....who else would reply in such a succinct
and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will
die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

Kinda tugs at the heart, doesn't it?!

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Indian Taxi service

When I was in India recently, I saw a sign that said,  'English speaking
taxi driver'.

I thought to myself, ?What a brilliant idea. Why don't we have them in
Canada??

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SENIOR DRIVER from SUN CITY CENTRE

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model
car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on
a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly.  "I'll be 97 next month, and I am
now old enough, that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."
He asked "How do you know?"
"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a
driver's license.
I told him, yes and handed it to him."
He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw
them in the waste basket, saying,  'You won't need this anymore.'
So I thanked him and left!

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Chocolate or Silver
Sometimes the best way to show how ignorant and dumbed down the general 
population is, is to offer them a choice in order to test whether or not
they know what's going on around them (it's called "reality contact"), or
how aware they are of their own voluntary servitude.
This is an apt little scenario on which to rest your case.
Media analyst Mark Dice offers random people their choice of a
Hershey chocolate bar or a 10 oz silver bar (Worth $150) in an experiment.
And remember, these are the people who are going to be voting for a new
president next year!!!!!!!!
 Click here

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The Psychiatrist

    "You all have obsessions," he observed.

    To the first mother, Mary, he said:
    "You are obsessed with eating.
    You've even named your daughter Candy."

    He turned to the second Mum, Ann:
    "Your obsession is with money.
    It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.

    He turned to the third Mum, Joyce:
    "Your obsession is alcohol.
    This too shows itself in your children's names:
    Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, "Whisky".

    He then turned to the fourth Mum June:
    "Your obsession is with flowers.
    Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."

    At this point, the fifth mother,
    Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered:
    "Come on, D*ck, this guy has no idea what he's talking about.
    Let's pick up Peter and Willy and go home."

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Mexican weather reviewed by an Australian man - OUTSTANDING!!!!
 Click here

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The Proper way to call someone a Bastard!!!

The Proper way to call someone a Bastard!!!
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer
approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the  twosome.
They were even after the first few holes.  The second guy said, "We're
about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the
terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting
his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick
on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with
you.  You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation.
And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them.

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Save That Duck

Hippos -
 Click here

Police Officer -
 Click here

NZ Missionary -
 Click here

Sewer -
 Click here

The Banker -
 Click here

Secret Service -
 Click here

Mechanics -
 Click here

Finally,  nothing  to  do  with  Ducks, but this shark needed a helping
hand  Click here

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 Click here

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Fw: Another selfish athlete
 Click here Click here Click here

Doubles Partner needed

A  Wimbledon hopeful Simona Halep wants surgery to reduce the size of her
breasts.Halep is seen as one of the tennis stars of the future after
winning a host of junior titles and a place in the final of the junior
French Open last year.
But the 5-foot-5-inch Romanian tennis star said she thinks her 34DD bust is
holding her back  "This autumn I'll have a breast reduction operation"
Halep said.
"The breasts make me uncomfortable when I play."
"It's the weight that troubles me and my ability to react quickly" she
added.
WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL THIS KID THAT WINNING ISN'T EVERYTHING!
THIS SELF-CENTERED SPOILED LITTLE BRAT SHOULDN'T BE SO CONSUMED WITH
"WINNING MAJOR TENNIS TOURNAMENTS"!
WHAT ABOUT US - THE HARD-WORKING EVERYDAY FAN??   34DD?
PEOPLE PAY TOP MONEY FOR JUGS LIKE THAT! AND MANY OF US PAY TO SEE THEM .
AND THIS LITTLE BRAT WANTS TO HAVE THEM REDUCED?

P*SSES ME OFF. SELFISH ATHLETE THAT SHE IS...

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Africa is not for sissies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


THIS IS A  ?NO PARKING? ZONE.

I WOULD WANT TO MEET WHATEVER DID THAT!

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU FOUND THIS IN YOUR  TOILET?

WRAPPED UP IN HIS WORK.

BOGIE MAN UNDER THE BED?  WHAT BOGIE MAN?

YOU WENT RIDING YOUR BICYCLE WHERE????

AND ?STAY!?.

I THINK I?LL JUST LIE HERE A WHILE LONGER.

?HEY, MEALS ON WHEELS!?

WHEN THAT GUY LOOKS TO HIS RIGHT, THROUGH HIS OPEN WINDOW, I WONDER WHAT
HE?LL SAY?

THAT IS ONE   L.O.N.G   SNAKE.

DOES HE KNOW WHAT THOSE THINGS CAN DO WITH THEIR TEETH?

AFRICAN ENGINEERING AT ITS BEST.

INTERESTING!

IMAGINE OPENING UP TO THAT TAPPING ON YOUR DOOR!

F ####.. K !!!

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Desert Camouflage!

Marine helicopters are painted to blend in and be more difficult to
Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Look Closely

Keep looking

See it now?

If a Muslim sees a naked woman -- they are supposed to kill themselves.

Ya got to love the Marines.

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Power of make-up
 Click here

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If Trump is President...
 Click here
One Year after Trump is elected President.....
The White House

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 Aussie Bush Etiquette

          I know that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognized throughout the
civilized world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.

          In General:
          1.       Never take an open stubby to a job interview...
          2.       Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting
at them.
          3.       It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
          4.       If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the
sheets.
          5.       Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's
rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
>
          Eating Out:
          1.       When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and
pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
          2.       If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only
one hand.

          Entertaining at Home:
          1.       A centrepiece for the table should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist..
          2.       Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how
good his manners.

          Personal Hygiene:
          1.       While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be
done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
           2.       Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of
money.
          3.       Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a
few days.
          4.       Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it
alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw
attention away from your jewellery.

          Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:
          1.       Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
after the movie ends.
          2.       Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen..
 Tests have proven they can't hear you.

          Weddings:

          1.       Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
          2.       For the groom, at least, rent a tux.  A tracksuit with a
c*mmerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance..
          3.       Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for
the occasion.

          Driving Etiquette:

          1.       Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if
your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
          2.       When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest
roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
          3.       Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
          4.       When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can,
it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

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Fw: IKEA job interview
 Click here

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Price of Petrol in France .
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

      Price of Petrol in France
      A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
      After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings,
and made it safely to his van.
      However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of
gas.
      When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an
obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the
paintings.'
      I had no Monet
      To buy Degas
      To make the Van Gogh.
      I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.
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Blonde in Church
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Blonde in church

An   Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation
 has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible 
lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I  am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party 
who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian 
family."
No  one moved.
The  preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this
is  a falsehood?    Remember,  you will be forgiven and in your heart you
will feel glory. Now stand  and confess your transgression."

Again,  all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead  gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a
runaway train rose from  the third pew.   Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she  spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding.  I  never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I
simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the
sheets."
>
The  preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation
roared.
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.
Give me an Amen, brother!

 Click here

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Newfie Directions

An American tourist was visiting a small village in Newfoundland.
He approached a local person and asked;
"What's the quickest way to Marystown?"
The local, scratched his head;
"Are ya walkin' ER drivin'?" He asked the stranger.
"I'm driving." said the stranger.
"Well, that's the quickest way." said the Newfie.

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Lady Driver, Brilliant
 Click here Click here

WOULDN'T YOU JUST LOVE TO BE ABLE TO TRY THIS ONE..........

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding..
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
 Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?
 Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Traffic Cop: Don't have one?
Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Traffic Cop: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Cop: You what!? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in
the trunk if you want to see
The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while
calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The traffic cop is
quite stunned.
Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer.
The officer examines the license quizzically.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer
here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you
murdered and hacked up the owner!
Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

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Ducks in a Cab
 Click here Click here

Forget  Snakes on a Plane.
How about Ducks in a Cab?

Urga Adunga, a taxi driver in Calgary, Alberta, recently chauffeured a
family of ducks to safety, in his Checker Yellow Cab. The driver stopped,
when he saw a mother duck and nine ducklings stranded in traffic, on the
Trans Canada Highway, in the city?s northwest.
I checked behind me and put on my warning lights to alert drivers I was
going to pull over,?? Adunga said. ??I jumped out of my cab, and I motioned
for the oncoming traffic to pull over so I could get the animals to safety.
The ducks had nowhere to go in the construction confusion, so I decided to
scoop them up, and put them in my cab. Several drivers got out of their
cars, and signalled everyone to stop. Other drivers used baby carriers to
hold the ducklings, and put them gently into my cab with their mama
The cabbie, with only six months on the job under his belt, then drove his
unusual passengers to the nearby Bow River, which cuts through the city.
The mother duck, he said, sat quietly throughout the trip, watching him and
enjoying the ride. At the river??s edge he opened the door, and clapped his
hands to motion the family out.
The mother then began quacking. But since the ducklings were too tiny to
make the leap from the seat, Adunga quacked along, lifted the babies out,
and watched the family waddle towards the water.
He cleaned up the seat, and continued on his shift. Considering his
heroics, his feathery friends left him a pretty cheap tip.

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MV Gunhilde Maersk
 Click here Click here

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2 Chefs
 Click here Click here

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Muslim Boat People
 Click here

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6 X Feet in the Air Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Links & Photos
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Links & Photos

Birds of Paradise (New Guinea)
 Click here

US Navy Band (Play ? The Jersey Boys)  Click here

Mormon Tabernacle Choir (Battle Hymn of the Republic) 
 Click here

Tribute to Vietnam Veterans (by Sam Elliot)
 Click here

Planes, Airports, & Coca Cola
 Click here

People are Awesome (August, 2015)  Click here

Permission to come Aboard, Sir?
 Click here

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Divorce & Wedding Horse Race (X)
 Click here

Divorce Horse Race (X)
 Click here

Best Man Wedding Speech
 Click here

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Precision
 Click here

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Bulls, New Zealand
 Click here Click here Click here

The town of Bulls, New Zealand (population 1755), is the town where
everything is a pun on its name. . Even the individual shops play along
with the punning. So, for instance, you get:

A town like no Udder
The Coffee on the MOOve Cafe
What A Load of Bull Deli, which serves Palat-a-Bull products
Const-a-Bull sign for the local police station
Indispense-a-Bull for Platt??s Pharmacy
Store-a-Bull for Storage Pro
What a Load of Bull Butchery

The town is named after James Bull, who founded the town, and owned the
first general store there. The town's sister city is Cowes, England.

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The Dubai Mall
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The  Dubai  Mall  is  the  world's  largest shopping mall, and includes
1,738 shops

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25 X Blue Photos
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17 Days
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What a difference 17 days can make. My brother EJ is boss of tug repairs,
at this shipyard in Singapore.
That??s him, second from left, in  the  second  photo.

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The day has arrived......

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The day that Albert Einstein feared most may have finally arrived...
Planning their honeymoon...
A day at the beach.
Having dinner out with your friends.
Out on an intimate date.
Having a conversation with your BFF.
A visit to the museum.
Its here!!

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In Training
 Click here

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Who took the photo
 Click here

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Ooops

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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