Friday humour - September 04, 2015

All the little birds go tweet, tweet, tweet  The lambs all bleat  And shake
their feet  Everything's a perfect treat down on Jollity Farm

This week's Friday Humour includes missives from Whizzbang, Wally,
Seasoldier, Sack, KRP, Haz, Duke of Barsinov, Havarum, Billy Bunter of
Adelaide, Arfermo and Anonymous 3.  Levity to lighten your week.
  
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Little Chef

The French restaurant "Le Petit Chef" (Little Chef) came up with an
original way to entertain guests while waiting for your order - using a
projector on the ceiling, and the animation on the table there is a small
chef who prepared on your plate. And at the same time it makes a good
laugh.  A great way to cheer up. Creative and interesting idea.
 Click here
 
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THIS IS A CAR Museum YOU MUST NOT MISS!!

Click here: YouTube - Tail Fins and Chrome features: Cars of Dreams
 Click here

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Quick Thinking
A man went into a Birmingham supermarket and tried to buy half a
cauliflower. The young greens produce assistant told him that they sold
only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager,
and the boy went to find him.

Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot out
there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And
this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the
manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out
of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet.
Where are you from, son?"

"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby
players."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff ."

"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"

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WRONG QUESTION---DON'T MISS THIS ANSWER

WOW!!   Everyone in America should see and take to heart everything this
woman has to say.

A Muslim woman asks the wrong person a question.
 Click here


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XXX  Persimmons - Church Organist XXX
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her
breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the
organ.  Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be
done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem,
and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on
her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in
size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they
are so sour they will make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to
talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,
"Dew to thirc*msthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon
tewday.

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NEWSPAPER HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030

"OZONE CREATED BY ELECTRIC CARS NOW KILLING MILLIONS"

"WHITE MINORITIES STILL TRYING TO HAVE ENGLISH RECOGNIZED AS THE UK'S THIRD
LANGUAGE"

"CHILDREN FROM TWO-PARENT, MARRIED, HETEROS*XUAL FAMILIES BULLIED IN
SCHOOLS FOR BEING 'DIFFERENT'. TOLERANCE URGED"

"MANCHESTER SCHOOLGIRL EXPELLED FOR NOT WEARING A BURQA"

"JAPAN ANNOUNCES THAT THEY WILL NO LONGER CONSUME WHALE MEAT AS WHALES ARE
NOW EXTINCT, AND THE SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH FLEET ARE UNEMPLOYED. UK
GOVERNMENT HAS TOLD THE JAPANESE THAT GREY SQUIRRELS TASTE LIKE WHALE MEAT"

"BRITAIN NOW HAS TEN UNIVERSITIES OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS. PROFESSOR
GOLDMAN OF LSPC SAYS THERE IS STILL A LONG WAY TO GO IN THE FIGHT TO STOP
PEOPLE SAYING WHAT THEY THINK"

"BRITAIN'S DEFICIT £10 TRILLION AND RISING. GOVERNMENT DECLARES RETURN
TO SURPLUS IN 100 YEARS WHICH IS 300 YEARS AHEAD OF TIME. PRIME MINISTER
MOHAMMED YOUSUF CLAIMS INCREASED GROWTH THROUGH MORE IMMIGRATION IS THE
SECRET TO SUCCESS"

"BABY CONCEIVED NATURALLY. SCIENTISTS COMPLETELY PUZZLED"

"IRAN STILL ISOLATED. PHYSICISTS ESTIMATE AT LEAST TEN MORE YEARS BEFORE
RADIOACTIVITY DECREASES TO SAFE LEVELS"

"FRANCE PLEADS FOR GLOBAL HELP AFTER BEING TAKEN OVER BY ISLAMIC COUNTRIES.
NO OTHER COUNTRY COMES FORWARD"

“JOSE MANUEL RODRIGUEZ BUSH SAYS HE WILL RUN FOR 2ND TERM AS US
PRESIDENT IN 2032"

"POST OFFICE RAISES PRICE OF STAMPS TO £18 AND REDUCES MAIL DELIVERY TO
WEDNESDAYS ONLY"

"AFTER A TEN-YEAR, £75.8 BILLION STUDY COMMISSIONED BY THE LABOUR PARTY,
SCIENTISTS PROVE DIET AND EXERCISE IS THE KEY TO WEIGHT LOSS"

"AVERAGE WEIGHT OF A BRITISH MALE DROPS TO 18 STONE"

"JAPANESE SCIENTISTS HAVE CREATED A CAMERA WITH SUCH A FAST SHUTTER SPEED
THEY CAN NOW PHOTOGRAPH A WOMAN WITH HER MOUTH SHUT"

"SUPREME COURT RULES PUNISHMENT OF CRIMINALS VIOLATES THEIR CIVIL AND HUMAN
RIGHTS. VICTIMS TO BE HELD PARTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR CRIME"

"AVERAGE HEIGHT OF PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL PLAYERS IS NOW NINE FEET, SEVEN
INCHES"

"NEW LAW REQUIRES THAT ALL NAIL CLIPPERS, SCREWDRIVERS, FLY SWATTERS AND
ROLLED-UP NEWSPAPERS MUST BE REGISTERED BY JANUARY 2035 AS LETHAL WEAPONS"

"INLAND REVENUE SETS LOWEST TAX RATE IN DECADES AT 75 PER CENT"

"BRADFORD WIN FA CUP FINAL, BEATING HINDU HORNETS 4-1"

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Glasgow Flights
Airplane Food - True Story

Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from
Glasgow, the lead flight

attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful
announcement..:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been
a terrible mix-up

one minute prior to take-off by our airport catering service.... I don't
know how this has happened

but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner
meals...

I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. ,

"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can
eat

will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came 90 minutes later...

"If anyone would like to change their minds,

we still have 40 dinners available."

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XXX A new "little Johnny" XXX

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and
we all saw his pet sheep.
It was fascinating".
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock
City and I was fascinated". The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally,
but I wanted you to use the word fascinate".
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word
"fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons,
but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!"
The teacher sat down and cried.
GOD - I love this little bastard!!!

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Kids and religion

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
After hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about
All this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad..'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
Whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color
Of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she
could,
Trying not to be late for Bible class.As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord,
please
Don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' While she
was
Running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes
Dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started runningagain!
As she ran she once again began to pray,
'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please
Don't shove me either!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
Their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
On a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad
Scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him
$100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad
Scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon,
And it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male
Pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
Service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to   Jerusalem..
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
With  her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy
Father and thy mother,' she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
Treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill..'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God
Created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
Told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
Down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have
a wife.'
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Ipad Instructions

This is a from a magician on the Elllen DeGeneres show.He uses an ipad to
do some really mindboggling things. One of the best I have seen. Goes for
about 4m30s.
 Click here
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The Jersey Boys

Gosh I enjoyed this performance and I hope you do too.

The Navy can SING!! Here are the Jersey Boys!!
 Click here
 
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Making Nails
 Click here
Cool!

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Few jokes

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance
to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to
leave right away. Please pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and
especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for
the short notice, and then hurries off. A week later, the man returns and
his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"

The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my
blue silk pajamas."


His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box


A blonde a redhead and a brunet were talking about their daughters. The
brunet says, I think my daughter smokes. I found cigarettes in her dresser
drawer. The redhead says that's nothing, I think my daughter is doing
drugs. I found pot in her dresser drawer. So the blonde say's really that
isn't sh*t compared to my daughter. I found condoms in her bed room drawer,
and I didn't even know she had a d*ck.


women

Hey beautiful , it's me John.

????

The fat boy?

????

Come onnn , the short one?

????

The bald man , you don't remember me?

????

The one with the Porsche?

-Ohhh, hey handsome , how are you?!!


A LOUD KNOCKING on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a
stormy night. The man opens the door to a stranger, who asks him for a
push.

   “No way!” says the husband, slamming the door shut in the
stranger’s face.

   “Who was that?” calls his wife.

   “Just some drunk asking for a push,” he answers. “It’s 3am and
pouring with rain out there!” “You should be ashamed,” his wife
replies. “Don’t you remember that time when we broke down and those two
guys helped us out? You should go and help him.” Sighing, the man pulls
on his coat and heads out into the pouring rain.

   “Hello?” he calls out in the dark.

   “Do you still need a push?” “Yes, please,” comes the reply.

   “Where are you?” the husband calls out. “Over here,” the drunk
replies. “On the swing.”


Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, arrives at Passport

Control at Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she  replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, not this time I am just here for a few days."


Teacher asks Billy: "If you have five sweets and Mohammed asks

for one, how many will you have left?"

Billy: "Five"


Wife says to husband "You only ever want s*x when You're drunk"

Husband says "that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"


A Geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in Syria.

Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"

"No," he replies, "Newcastle."

"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.

"Pretty much the same as this sh*t place!"


Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long

relationship. She replied

"Wear a seatbelt and don't p*ss me off!"


The Chinese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs

they sent out.

    They said they were delicious!


My s*xy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.

It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles,

that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

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Alcohol Consumption
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of
their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of
work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver.             ~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day."                 ~Frank
Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."        ~
Henny Youngman

 WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not."       
   ~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So,
let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"                 ~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."            ~
Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
                                ~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them!

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!   
           ~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite s*x without spitting.

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One
afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his
buddy Norm.
                                Here's how it went:

                                "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd
of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd
is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed
first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular
killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can
only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of
alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the
slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of
beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.

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THE HEART ATTACK:

      A blonde gets home from work early and hears strange
      noises coming from the bedroom.

      She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying
      on the bed, sweating and panting. 'What's up?' she asks.

      'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.
      The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just
      as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,
      "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe closet,
      and she has no clothes on".

      The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs
      into the bedroom right past her husband. She rips open the wardrobe
      closet door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and
      cowering on the floor.

      'You rotten bitch', she screams.  'My husband's having a heart
      attack, and you're running around naked, playing hide and seek
      with the kids!!'
	  
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The Spanish computer
A SPANISH Teacher was  explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are  designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is  feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el  lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is  'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer,  the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female, and  asked them to decide for themselves whether computer'
should be a  masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give
four  reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that  'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la  computadora'), because:

    1. No one but their creator  understands their internal logic;

    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is 
incomprehensible to everyone else;

    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for 
possible later retrieval; and

    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending 
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS  BETTER!)

    The women's group,  however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el  computador'), because:

    1. In order to do  anything with them, you have to turn them on;

    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for  themselves;

    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
 ARE the problem; and

    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a 
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

    The  women won.

    Send this to all the smart  women you know
       ...And  all the men that have a sense of humor..

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The Drover's life

'For the Drover's life has pleasures that the towns folk never know!'

By James Cluny

To appreciate the above famous quotation by Banjo Paterson we must step
back in time, and set the scene in the mind's eye of the reader.

The year is 1948, the time is 5.00 a.m. on a cold July morning and the
scene is a drover's camp on a western Queensland stock route. The drover
has 600 fat bullocks in hand and they are travelling "on the hoof" from a
Channel Country fattening Run to a railhead for trucking to an Adelaide or
Brisbane market.

Central to the scene is the glowing red mass of coals from a Gidgee or
Coolibah wood fire which has been fueled and stoked throughout the night,
and beside which are a couple of flat-sided billy cans of differing sizes.
Beyond the fire a "break" of green boughs 2-3 feet high forms a semi-circle
close around the fire, and separates the men's camp from the cattle camp.
In the dim light we can discern an inverted steel "Bedourie" camp oven and
lid, together with a couple of tea towels and calico ration-bags which have
been laid out on the break to drain and dry overnight.

Also visible in the faint glow of the firelight, and facing the fire, are
two greenhide covered wooden boxes set side by side on a flattened mound of
earth about a foot high, which is covered by a sheet of canvas and forms a
"table". Close to the fire, with its blade embedded in the earth stands a
spade, and also close by is the camp axe and the remnants of the night's
firewood supply.

Beyond the firelight the scene is bathed in the silvery fading light of a
moon just past the full, and which is now sinking rapidly toward the
western horizon. As our eyes grow accustomed to this faint illumination we
discern the shape of five swags, all but one of which contains the
unmistakable form of a sleeping man, with a pair of boots, spring side
leggings and a broad brimmed or ‘ten gallon’ hat beside each.

Also outside the firelight can be seen a row of neatly ordered
pack-saddles, each atop its pair of leather pack bags, and one atop a pair
of steel galvanised water canteens. If these packsaddles have a low rounded
arch to their "trees" the drover is probably based in Winton or Quilpie in
Queensland; but if the pack trees display high arched "trews", the drover
is probably a South Australian, based on the Birdsville Track or Marree.

Beyond the row of packs a saddled night horse can be seen, tethered with
reins looped through a hobble strap, the companion of which is closed
around a conveniently located limb of a gidgee or Coolibah tree. The
high-backed stock saddle on the night horse is bereft of accoutrements such
as saddle-bag or quart-pot, and the surcingle passes over the outside of
the saddle flops. This ensures a minimum of flapping and sound which may
precipitate a "rush" (or stampede) of the cattle should the horse shake
itself during its night of alternate watching and tethered duty. The
tethering method via a hobble strap is commonly used so that when a rider
hurries to take the horse to control a rush in darkness, he will always
know how the horse is tethered, and how to release him in the darkness of
night.

Looking over the fire and beyond the break of boughs, we can see the 600
bullocks on the cattle camp bathed in the silvery moonlight, mostly lying
contented and resting, but a few on their feet urinating, defecating, and
stretching cramped muscles as they sense the approach of daylight. From the
darkness around the cattle camp we will hear the voice of the man on watch,
astride the second night horse. It may be the sound of a discordant western
song, a recitation of a well-known bush ballad or bawdy poem, a speech
addressed to the cattle and the night horse, or the nasal chant of an
Aboriginal legend which we hear; and which ensures the cattle are aware of
the presence of the night watcher, and which masks other perhaps more
alarming or unexpected sounds of the night however insignificant, but which
could "rush" the cattle.

Presently the man on night watch rides into the camp, and after dismounting
and tethering the night horse adjacent to its companion, he refuels and
kicks the fire to renewed life amid a shower of sparks. He then fills a
couple Billies from the water canteens and sets them beside the now blazing
fire. This man is the camp cook, and he next rouses two of the four
sleeping men from their swags. These men are the Boss, who will take over
the "dog watch" of the cattle while the cook prepares breakfast; and the
horse tailer, who after pulling on his leggings and boots, and pouring a
hot drink from one of the billies, c*cks his ear to the night listening for
the sound of the horse bells.

As he does so, we too will hear faintly in the distance the sound of the
bells on the hobbled horses, ranging from the deep-throated "bong-bong" of
Condamine "bullfrog" bells through a range of frequencies and pitches to
melodious tinkles from smaller bells.

Having pulled on his boots and swallowed a hot drink also, the Boss rolls
his swag and deposits it adjacent to its designated pack. He then mounts
one of the night horses and disappears in the darkness to watch the now
rousing cattle camp. The horse tailer has meanwhile mounted the remaining
night horse and also disappeared in the darkness to locate and unhobble the
horses and fetch them to the camp.

As the cook moves about the camp preparing breakfast the purpose of the
"break" of green boughs forming a semicircle close around the fire between
the men's camp and the cattle camp becomes apparent. The close proximity of
the break to the fire prevents the men from appearing as silhouettes
between the cattle and the fire, which could cause the cattle to rush. The
break thus ensures that the fire always illuminates the presence and
movement of the men as viewed from the cattle camp, in the same way as
footlights illuminate actors on a stage. The cattle, if quietly handled
quickly become familiar with the fire-lit scene of the men in their camp,
and become attached to, and fascinated by, the well-lit nightly scene and
sounds from the camp beyond the break. Frequently some of the more placid
and curious beasts will approach to within a few feet of the break with
ears erect to better catch and contemplate the sights and sounds of the
fire-lit men's camp.

With a curry steaming in a camp oven, or perhaps rump steak sizzling in
oven lids beside the fire, the cook rouses the remaining two sleeping men;
who quickly complete their dress with boots, leggings and perhaps spurs,
take a quick rinse of face and hands in a small gold panning dish, or motor
hub cap, and also roll their swags and place them adjacent to their
appointed packs. They then cut their dinner from damper, salt beef,
brownie, sauce, pickles and jam at the table, and place it together with
small containers of tea and sugar in their saddle bags.

Next they fill their waterbags to be carried on their horses from the water
canteens and partake of breakfast from the steaming and sizzling Billies
and pans at the fire. It will be noted that these men always cut their
dinner before eating breakfast, as a dinner prepared with an empty stomach
is invariably more ample and satisfying than one prepared on a stomach
which is full and lacking appetite!

Meanwhile the horse tailer has arrived at camp driving 40 or more loose
horses, each of which is adorned with a greenhide neck strap from which
hang a pair of greenhide hobbles. If the season is a bounteous one horse
and cattle feed will be plentiful, and the horses will be well fed and
content to stand in a group near the camp as the men catch and saddle their
mounts for the day. Each man has 4-5 horses designated for his use, and
which he rides each day in turn. Thus 5 horses each for the five men in the
camp, plus 8-10 packhorses, 4-5 night-horses and several "spares" makes up
the drover's "plant" of 40-50 horses in all.

While the cattlemen have been catching and saddling their horses for the
day the first glimmer of daylight has been breaking in the east, and as the
light brightens we will see the Boss on dog watch taking a wide sweep
around the cattle camp "cutting the tracks" to intercept the tracks of any
beasts which may have been able to escape from the cattle camp unseen
during the night. Once satisfied that there have been no such escapees the
Boss, now joined by his two mounted cattlemen will gently rouse and permit
the bullocks to feed off from their night-camp, pointing them in the
direction of the day's travel.

Having supervised the start of the day's travel for the cattle, the Boss
then returns to the camp and releases his night horse before joining the
cook and horse tailer for breakfast, during which the Boss may give
instructions regarding the day's travel and watering procedures for both
horses and cattle, and also location of the next night camp, including the
cattle camp and its relationship to the men's camp.

Breakfast completed, and with the sun now climbing above the eastern
horizon, the Boss now catches and saddles his mount for the day, and rides
off to join the cattle which may now be a mile or two into the day's stage

The cook and horse tailer having washed up and re-packed the tucker pack,
now re-balance all other packs which may have been opened for use on this
camp. The two bags of each pack are carefully "balanced" by lifting them
simultaneously one in each hand to "guestimate" the same weight in each,
thus preventing sore backed packhorses, which can result from ill- balanced
packs.

In addition to the tucker pack and water canteen pack already mentioned all
other packs generally have a specific name and purpose: viz:-

The fresh meat pack (carrying about 150lb when full)

The salt meat pack (carrying about 150lb when full).

The flour pack (carrying about 100lb when full).

The dry rations pack (milk powder, custard powder, potatoes, onions,
cornflour, etc.).

The tinned rations pack (tined fruit, jam, sauce, golden syrup etc.).

The gear pack (saddlery repair equipment, spare hobbles, shoeing tools
etc.).

The cook and horse tailer then catch the pack horses and commence packing
up. Five of the packs will each be topped by a man's swag, and a sixth pack
(such as the tucker pack), will be topped by a folded canvas camp fly for
wet weather use. Also atop several of the packs will be:-

The nest of up to 6 flat sided billy cans, each fitting inside its larger
companion, and held together by a leather bridle;

A similar nest of 3 or 4 steel Bedourie camp ovens;

A 3 or 4 gallon "beef bucket"

The camp axe and shovel; and

The camp rifle - usually a .32/20 or .44/40 Winchester lever action saddle
carbine.

Packing up completed the cook and horse tailer will then mount their chosen
horses for the day and start the plant of pack and loose horses in the
tracks of the cattle.

The duties of horse tailer are usually undertaken by those with a natural
aptitude or ability as outstanding horsemen, and for this reason some of
the horse tailer's personal mounts may be recently broken colts undergoing
training and education. In these circ*mstances there will probably be a
buck jumping exhibition as the hose tailer, with one lithe, swift, sweeping
movement swings into his saddle.

As the morning sun swings higher the plant will overtake the driven mob of
cattle, at which time the Boss may issue further instructions relating to
the length of the day's stage, and location of the next night camp.

The daily distance travelled by cattle on the hoof is controlled by the
location and availability of watering points, and whether the cattle are
fats en-route to market, or store cattle en-route to fattening pastures.
Because of their lighter condition store cattle can cover longer daily
stages, frequently overtaking slower moving mobs of fat cattle. At the
height of the winter droving season it is also quite common on some of the
major stock routes to find up to 10 mobs of fat and store cattle in a row,
each separated by one day's stage. Such situations of course result in
eaten-out stock routes, and frequent water shortages at non-flowing water
bores.

Whilst the law requires travelling cattle to cover a daily stage of 10
miles in some States, in practice fat cattle more commonly average about 8
miles per day over a 4 to 8 week walk to railhead or meat works.

After passing the driven cattle the horse plant will have covered the day's
stage by late morning, and having selected the camp site and adjacent
cattle camp, the cook and horse tailer will unpack and establish camp by
cutting a sufficient supply of firewood, and cutting and placing the usual
break of green boughs between the fire and the proposed cattle camp. The
cattle camp is selected for its "soft", or sandy nature, and its freedom
from gutters and wash-outs which may constitute hazards during the night
watches. A few trees or stumps are permissible as scratching and rubbing
posts for the cattle when on camp.

Having established camp the cook and horse tailer will have "dinner" of
damper, corned beef, and brownie washed down by strong tea. Brownie is a
damper mixture which has been sweetened and improved by the addition of
sugar, mixed dried fruit, golden syrup or treacle, and perhaps wild duck
eggs, or an emu egg, (depending on cook or horse tailer's alertness and
knowledge of wildlife.)

Meanwhile the horse plant has been turned loose either around the camp, or
on nearby feed to rest and graze. On completion of their "dinner" the cook
and horse tailer may enjoy a short doze on their swags, after which the
cook will commence his chores of making the daily damper and/or brownie,
boiling another day's supply of corned beef in the beef bucket and, as the
sun sinks toward the western horizon, preparing the evening meal of perhaps
a roast of beef or a stew, to be followed by sweets of macaroni or tinned
fruit swamped with custard.

The horse tailer also cannot afford to be idle, for he may have a horse or
two to shoe,(especially if stony country lies ahead), the water canteens to
be filled at a nearby waterhole or bore, and he will invariably scout the
area for the best horse feed upon which to hobble the horses overnight. In
addition the horse tailer must be eternally vigilant for brumby mobs, the
stallions from such mobs being always keen to steal mares from passing
drovers' plants.

As the afternoon advances the horse tailer will drive his horses to water,
which may be a nearby natural waterhole, or a stock route bore. Then having
ensured that every horse has drunk his fill and is completely satisfied,
and with the sun sinking, he will drive his charges to the best feed he has
been able to locate, and which may be some distance from the stock route
and on "station grass". There he will hobble them for the night, releasing
the tongues of the horse bells as he does so. He will then catch the night
horses for the approaching night's duty, and on return to the camp will
saddle and tether them as has previously been described.

Meanwhile, back with the cattle; the Boss and his two cattlemen have spent
some 2-3 hours from late morning to early afternoon on a relaxed "dinner
camp" while the cattle replete after their morning feed over a distance of
several miles, lie down and rest and relax in the shade of a patch of
gidgee or Coolibah timber. With their mounts also relaxed and tethered in
nearby shade, the men boil their quartpots and partake of their damper,
salt beef, and brownie "dinner", washed down by murky black tea.

If the mob are still travelling in unfenced "open range" cattle country,
the cattlemen will have been wary during the morning's travel for "bush"
cattle and bulls wishing to investigate or join their mob. If however the
mob has passed through the "Dog Fence" and is in sheep country, the men and
their mob of bullocks may well have been visited or accompanied by the
local pastoral lessee, or his overseer, who will have visited or joined
them to ensure that their cattle are confined to the legal limits of the
stock route, and do not trespass therefrom onto station grass.

Insofar as the drover's horses are concerned, we have already noted that
horse tailers ride by moonlight, and rise early, which habits ensure that
their horses feed well on station grass, while the squatter lies abed!

By early afternoon the bullocks will be well rested, and prompted by the
warmth of the mid-day sun, will be feeling the need for a drink.
Accordingly their natural leaders will begin to drift off the dinner camp
looking for the next water. These leaders may be half a mile or more on
their way before the last stragglers, or the "tail" of the mob finally
leaves the dinner camp. If the wind is coming off the water the leaders
will have its scent in their nostrils as a goad. But even without that
scent, the bullocks will know from instinct that the "pads" (paths worn by
countless thousands of previously travelling cattle), will, if followed,
lead them to their next drink.

Thus the mob "strings out" in a long procession perhaps up to a mile long,
following in single file the well-worn pads to water, with the men riding
wide on the wings steering the lead, and gently keeping the weaker, or less
motivated beasts moving on the tail of the mob.

If the water supply is a natural waterhole in the channel of a major
drainage system, the mob will be permitted to "string in" to the water and
wallow and luxuriate in its plenty. As a result the muddying of the water
by the large mob of cattle will undoubtedly "drown" some native Callop (or
Yellowbelly) fish, which will float inverted to the surface of the water,
and be able to be collected by the men and carried tied to their saddles to
camp for a welcome change of supper or breakfast diet.

Should the water supply however be from a bore drain with limited access,
or a trough, then the cattle will be blocked well away from the water, and
allowed in to drink in small mobs of one hundred or so. If the mob happened
to be travelling the Canning or other similar stock route with primitive
whip, whim or windlass water raising equipment, the task of watering the
mob would be both long and arduous with the drover and his men having to
draw water from wells in steel or canvas buckets to be emptied into the
long lengths of troughing.

However the watering of the mob is undertaken, it is essential that every
beast completely slakes his thirst, for any unsatisfied thirsty beasts will
be a disturbance and a nuisance on the night camp.

In the event of a long dry stage lying ahead, it is usual to allow the
cattle to rest and wallow around the water point until late afternoon when
the dry stage travel will begin and continue into the night until the
cattle "bail up" and are permitted to rest. Then after some hours rest they
can be pushed on, and in most cases will continue to walk during the cooler
hours of the day until the next drink is reached.

Having had their fill of water our mob of bullocks will feed out from the
water on a wide front which will be gently but firmly controlled by the
cattlemen as they are steered in the direction of the night camp. They may
be feeding across a swamp of native clover, over a Mitchell grass plain,
over herbage and spinifex clad sand dunes, or over a gibber strewn residual
outwash, pock marked with herbage and grass filled gilghais until, as the
sun meets the western horizon and daylight wanes, the cheerful blaze of the
fire on the night camp becomes visible.

Then as darkness falls the cattle are brought firmly to their night camp
and blocked. Because they have been well watered and have since fed well,
they will quickly accept their camp, and most will lie down with a
contented grunt or sigh for their night of rest. However, there will always
be a number of them who, motivated by primordial instinct, will remain on
their feet as sentinels to watch for, and warn the mob of predators or
other "dangers" of the night.

Once the cattle are settled on camp, the cattlemen will unsaddle and
release their horses into the care of the horse tailer, who has already
partaken of his "supper", (or evening meal), and mounted on one of the
night horses will drive them out to be hobbled for the night with their
equine companions. At the sometime the Boss will mount the other night
horse and return to the cattle camp on "dog watch" until the horse tailer
returns to take over the first two hour night watch from about 7.00 to 9.00
p.m.

In camp the cattlemen and the Boss, (once relieved by the horse tailer),
together with the cook, eat heartily of their supper, lounge around the
fire for a smoke, and complete the evening wash-up and any other chores.
However, late nights yarning are not common in droving camps, and by 8.00
or 8.30 p.m. at the latest, the men will have unrolled their swags, and
having discarded hat, boots, leggings, and spurs, are soon abed and quickly
asleep.

At nine o'clock the horse tailer will call his relief who will watch until
11 o'clock, followed by the midnight watch from 11.00 p.m. to 1.00 a.m.
During this watch the cattle will become restless, most of them rising to
their feet to urinate, defecate, and stretch, and perhaps attempt to walk
off the camp in search of a midnight feed. Thus the man on this watch must
be alert, and will be kept busy. However, the night horse inevitably senses
cattle leaving the camp under the cover of darkness, and will quicken his
pace, or break naturally into a trot or canter to block and turn back any
would-be escapees from the cattle camp.

Throughout the night the men on watch maintain noise of some sort, - voice,
song, whistling etc., to acquaint the cattle of their presence, and also to
mask other sounds of the night which have the potential to rush the cattle.
When a rush does occur it can be a terrifying experience for both man and
beast.

With any number of cattle from 500 to 2,000 on camp, mostly lying down, and
facing every possible direction, it is one of nature's mysteries how
familiar sounds from the camp, the howl of a dingo, the snapping of a stick
under the hoof of the night horse, a flash of lightning on a stormy night,
or the overhead flight of an owl or night hawk, will precipitate a rush. In
a split second of time every beast in that mob of hitherto resting cattle
will be on its feet and galloping,- all in the same direction with an earth
shaking roar, and in a pall of dust, punctuated by the rattle of hooves and
clashing horns. The rider on the night horse must of course get to the lead
of the galloping mob as quickly as possible, and with voice and stockwhip
try to turn or block the terrified cattle. Galloping up the wing of a mob
of rushing cattle in darkness is of course a hazardous occupation for both
horse and rider, especially in scrub or timbered channel country.

The man on watch will of course be followed and joined by the first man to
mount the spare night horse, and if fortunate they will be able to turn or
block the lead of the mob within a mile or so. It is also important to
ensure that they have in fact reached the actual leaders of the mob in the
darkness, and have not blocked a part of the mob only, leaving perhaps a
hundred or more cattle still galloping ahead in the darkness; for when
frightened a rushing mob will frequently split into smaller mobs, which
even when steadied and blocked will rush again and again. In these
circ*mstances it is often wiser to leave them until they can be tracked and
gathered together in daylight, as continued rushing in timbered country in
darkness will inevitably result in more injured and maimed cattle, and
perhaps also night horses and men. And so the night passes with the cook
called to watch from 3.00 to 5.00 a.m., when another day begins.

An insight into their humour and attitude to their lifestyle is revealed
from the conversation amongst a gathering of drovers in an outback pub when
under the influence of increasing inebriation and bravado they began to
describe the toughest and worst droving trip each had experienced. One
after another told harrowing stories of drought, and dry stages of
increasing distance and severity, and of mobs of cows in calf, and cattle
dying and rushing in horrifying circ*mstances. These hair raising stories
were finally bested by one of the group who claimed quite simply that the
worst trip he had ever undertaken was "Down the Canning Stock Route with a
thousand Mallee Hens heavy in egg!

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George Bush and Moses

While going through an airport during one of his many trips,
President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard,
wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, 'Has anyone told you that you
look like Moses?'

The man didn't answer.  He just kept staring straight ahead.

The president said, 'Moses!' in a loud voice.

The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.

The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and,
pointing to the robed man, asked him, 'Am I crazy or does that man not look
like Moses to you?  The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

'Well,' said the president, 'every time I say his name, he ignores me and
stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!'

Again the president yelled, 'Moses!' and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and
whispered, 'You look just like Moses.  Are you Moses?'

The man leaned over and whispered back, 'Shhhh!

Yes, I am Moses.  The last time I talked to a bush,
I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to
the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil.

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Why teachers DRINK

                  The following questions were set in last year's schools
examination.

                  These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds).

                  Q. Name the four seasons
                  A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

                  Q. How is dew formed
                  A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them
perspire

                  Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
                  A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you
are well endowed

                  Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
                  A.. Very important. S*x can only happen when a male gets
an election

                  Q. What are steroids
                   A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot
yourself now , there is little hope)

                  Q... What happens to your body as you age
                  A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get
intercontinental

                  Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
                  A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to
his adultery   (So true)

                  Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
                  A.. Premature death

                  Q. What is artificial insemination
                  A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the
cow

                  Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
                  A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

                  Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised
(e.g. The abdomen)
                  A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium,
the borax and the abdominal cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the
borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the
five bowels: A,E,I,O,U  (wtf!)

                  Q. What is the fibula?
                  A.. A small lie

                  Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
                  A.. Nearby

                  Q. What is the most common form of birth control
                  A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a
condominium (That would work)

                  Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
                  A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

                  Q. What is a seizure?
                  A.. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I
had a fit)

                  Q. What is a terminal illness
                  A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

                  Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
                  A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant)

            Q. What is a turbine?
            A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab
boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. 
(now we're getting somewhere) 

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Just gotta love Toyota!
The engineers must have a blast putting this together!

Not to be outdone by Honda, Toyota introduces a new ad.
 Click here
 
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XXX First condom XXX

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14 . I went in to buy a packet
of condoms at Andy's pharmacy.
In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind
of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young
lady (her name was Delores) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that
I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly
answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to
see if it were empty. It was.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it
aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my
mouth open and nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay
down on a desk.

'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately,
I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she
asked.

I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the sh*t out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out !

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British generosity

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the M6, near Birmingham

He asks a Police officer who is walking from car to car, speaking with each
driver, "What is the delay"?

The Policeman says, "There are three Muslims blocking the traffic and
threatening to douse themselves with petrol and set themselves on fire if
we  don't get them airline tickets to the Middle East. So we're taking up a
collection for them."

The Man replies, "How much have you got so  far?"

The Policemen responds, "About 60 litres, but a lot of people are still
siphoning."

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Gerry Hertzberg's Rally

They are all mad including the spectators !!
 Click here
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Poor me

    "I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for
    S*x," screamed my wife.  "I'm really disappointed."

    "You can hardly blame me," I answered. "It's not like I was getting any
from you.?

    "Well that's your fault," she replied. "You never told me you were
willing to pay for it!"

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Who's at the door?
This is a must watch - it only takes 15 seconds
 Click here
 
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Getting ready for Florida trip!!

GOT MY CONCEALED GUN PERMIT RENEWED YESTERDAY

......and went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home
protection.

When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said "Strip
down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she
was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.  They need to make their
instructions to us seniors a little more clear!!!

I still don't think I looked that bad.

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Car air conditioners
    According to Snopes, the benzene levels in a closed car are not at the
levels reported in this article,  however it is good practice to open the
cars windows and let the hot air out then turn on the air conditioner to be
on the safe side.

    Right now in Florida and in many other states around the US, the temps
are between 95 and 105 degrees. In these conditions, don't drink water in
plastic bottles left in the car. But more importantly, don't ever turn on
the AC as soon as you enter the car. Please read the following in regard to
Benzene:

    Now this is very interesting! My car's manual says to roll down the
windows to let out all the hot air before turning on the A/C. WHY ?

    No wonder more folks are dying from cancer than ever before. We wonder
where this stuff comes from, but here is an example that explains a lot of
the cancer-causing incidents.

    Many people are in their cars the first thing in the morning, and the
last thing at night, 7 days a week.

    As I read this, it makes me feel guilty and ill. Please pass this on to
as many people as possible. Guess, it's not too late to make some changes.

    To repeat, please do NOT turn on A/C as soon as you enter the car. Open
the windows after you enter your car and then after a couple of minutes,
turn ON the AC .

    Here's why: According to research, the car's dashboard, seats, a/c
ducts, in fact ALL of the plastic objects in your vehicle, emit Benzene, a
cancer-causing toxin (i.e., A BIG CARCINOGEN). Take the time to observe the
smell of heated plastic in your car when you open it, and BEFORE you start
it up.

    In addition to causing cancer, Benzene poisons your bones, causes
anemia and reduces white blood cells. Prolonged exposure can cause Leukemia
and increases the risk of some cancers. It can also cause miscarriages in
pregnant women.

    The "acceptable" Benzene level indoors is: 50mg per sq.ft.

    A car parked indoors, with windows closed, will contain 400-800 mg of
Benzene - 8 times the acceptable level.

    If parked outdoors in the sun, at a temperature above 60 degrees F, the
Benzene level goes up to 2000-4000 mg, which is 40 times the acceptable
level.

    People who get into the car, keeping the windows closed, will
eventually inhale excessive amounts of the BENZENE toxin.

    Benzene is a toxin that affects your kidneys and liver. What's worse,
it is extremely difficult for your body to expel this toxic stuff.

    So friends, please open the windows and doors of your car - give it
some time for the interior to air out -(dispel the deadly stuff) - before
you enter the vehicle.

    Thought: 'When someone shares something of value with you and you
benefit from it, you have a moral obligation to share it with others.'

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How to get rid of Telemarketers

      If you hate receiving an uninvited sales call, you are a member of a
very big club. In fact, very few people don't belong to this club,
including the people making the sales calls. Sometimes you can just hang
up, but usually they'll just call you later, and you really would like not
to be disturbed. Here are 10 excellent and funny ways to rid yourself of
that pesky telemarketer!

      1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it?
Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed
before my bankruptcy?"

      2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want
to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to
care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my
eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . ." When they try to get back to
the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

      3. If the person says they're Joe Soap from the XYZ Company, ask them
to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask
where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about
the company for as long as necessary.

      4. This one works better if you are male.
      Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel
services....
      You: "Hang on a second." (Few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really
husky voice) what are you wearing?"

      5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise,
"Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?"
Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries
to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

      6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no,
and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most
fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

      7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and
Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't
have any friends . . . would you be my friend? Do you want to go out to eat
tonight?? What's your favourite colour???"

      8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how
about goat blood or human blood - chicken blood too? What about bone
fragments? I sure could use the help!"

      9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but
necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really" or,
"That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry
you. They will get all flustered. Then just tell them you couldn't give
your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

      10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
      Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
      You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling
from?"
      Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
      You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather?
Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees, ha? Oh well,
see ya!"

      ...and, of course, there is always the Seinfeld classic! Tell the
Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you
will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their
number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call
them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of
Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a
call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel."

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Below the Ocean in 3D

I don't know if this is the "best video ever" but the clarity is
incredible.
I got the 3D effect, without special glasses or other visual aids.
This is definitely a video you should see if you can.
I would imagine that only the underwater photographers could see it any
clearer.
 Click here
 
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Ball Theory

INTERESTING  OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is SOCCER.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BASKETBALL.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is RUGBY.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is CRICKET.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. And....

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you go in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in Parliament playing.....
Marbles!!

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              The Importance of walking

              Walking can add minutes to your life..
              This enables you at 85 years old
              To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
              Home at $4,

              My grandpa started walking
              Five miles a day when he was 60.
              Now he's 97 years old
              And we have no idea where the hell he is.
              ***********************************
              I like long walks,
              Especially when they are taken
              By people who annoy me.

              The only reason I would take up walking
              Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
              *****************************************
              I have to walk early in the morning,
              Before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
              ================================
              Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
              I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

              I do have flabby thighs,
              But fortunately my stomach covers them.
              ********************************************
              The advantage of exercising every day
              Is so when you die, they'll say,
              'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

              ****************************************
              If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
              Start with a small country.
              ****************************
              I know I got a lot of exercise
              The last few years,......
              Just getting over the hill.

              We all get heavier as we get older,
              Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
              That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
              **************************************

             Every time I start thinking too much
              About how I look,
              I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
              And by the time I leave,
              I look just fine.

              You could run this over to your friends
              But just e-mail it to them!
              It will save you the walk!
			  
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Snouts in the trough, representing the poor workers, really???

Larry's words.

"HMMMM, THAT'LL DO ME",
SAYS GILLARD'.


Exactly twelve days before Gillard became aware she was going to lose
Office she called her old University of Adelaide and donated it $100
million in borrowed taxpayer funds. No sooner had she lost Office she was
appointed a Visiting Professorship by the same university. It's reported
she hasn't "visited" since.

In her first year out of Office, Gillard had racked up an income of more
than $700,000. She is entitled to 75% of her salary which amounts to
$375,000 p.a. for life, is entitled to a free office and staff, car travel,
fixtures, phone and internet bills, stationery and myriad publications.

Gillard and part-time de-facto, Tim Mathieson, can enjoy 40 return
business-class domestic airfares a year which are invariably up-graded to
first-class, but poor Timmy is only allowed 10 freebies p.a. if he travels
alone.

So girls, why bother with a law degree, just hook up with a top union
gangster and become his complicit moll, get gifted a seat in Parliament by
the Socialist Left, knife the sitting Prime Minister and you'll be set for
life.

LARRY PICKERING
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Can someone make me feel like a woman ?

                    A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence
was awful, and things
                    went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by
lightning.

                    One woman lost it completely.

                    She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed,
'I'm too young to die,'
                    she cried.

                    Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last
minutes on earth to be memorable!
                    Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like
a WOMAN?'

                    For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the
desperate woman in
                    the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia
stood up in the rear of
                    the plane.

                    He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair
and hazel eyes.
                    Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning
his shirt as he went,
                    one button at a time.

                    No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled
across his chest.

                    She gasped...

                    Then, he spoke...

                    'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
					
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AIN'T LIFE DUCKY!!

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.

So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

Marriage changes passion.

Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Now that food has replaced s*x in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty
for Miss America?

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press
'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.

Wouldn't you know it...

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in
prison?

A completely brilliant question!

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -
  And, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed outside?

Another completely brilliant question!

And remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper.

The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

You just might want to pass this along...

Save the Earth...It's the only planet with chocolate.

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Maxine
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here
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XXX What is on the menu?? XXX

 Click here

Not seen at your local Beefeater!!
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The "F" Word
    There are times when the 4 letter "F" word is not only desirable, but
quite frankly it can be the ONLY word in the English language that
accurately describes some situations.

    Check out the following examples.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

    The word is 'FEAR' of course!
    What in the world were you thinking????
	
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Polish Salt Mine
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

              Deep underground in Poland lies something remarkable but
little
              known outside Eastern Europe. For centuries, miners have
              extracted salt there, but left behind things quite startling
and
              unique. Take a look at the most unusual salt mine in the
world...

              From the outside, Wieliczka Salt Mine doesn't look
extraordinary.
              It looks extremely well kept for a place that hasn't mined
any salt for
              over ten years, but apart from that it looks ordinary.
However, over
              two hundred meters below ground it holds an astonishing
secret.
              This is the salt mine that became an art gallery, cathedral
and
              underground lake.

              Situated in the Krakow area, Wieliczka is a small town of
close
              to twenty thousand inhabitants. It was founded in the twelfth
              century by a local Duke to mine the rich deposits of salt
that
              lie beneath. Until 1996 it did just that but the generations
of
              miners did more than just extract. They left behind them a
              breathtaking record of their time underground in the shape of
              statues of mythic, historical and religious figures. They
even
              created their own chapels in which to pray. Perhaps their
              most astonishing legacy is the huge underground cathedral
              they left behind for posterity.

              It may feel like you are in the middle of a Jules Verne
adventure
              as you descend in to the depths. After a one hundred and
fifty
              meter climb down wooden stairs the visitor to the salt mine
will see some
              amazing sites. About the most astounding in terms of its
sheer size and
              audacity is the Chapel of Saint Kinga. The Polish people have
for many
              centuries been devout Catholics and this was more than just a
long term
              hobby to relieve the boredom of being underground. This was
an act of
              worship.

              Amazingly, even the chandeliers in the cathedral are made of
              salt. It was not simply hewn from the ground and then thrown
together,
              however, the process is rather more painstaking for the
lighting. After
              extraction the rock salt was first of all dissolved. It was
then
              reconstituted with the impurities taken out so that it
achieved a "glass-like"
              finish. The chandeliers are what many visitors think the rest
of the
              cavernous mine will be like as they have a picture in their
minds of salt as
              they would sprinkle on their meals! However, the rock salt
occurs naturally
              in different shades of gray, something like you would expect
granite to look
              like.

              Still, that doesn't stop well over one million visitors
(mainly
              from Poland and its eastern European neighbours) from
visiting the mine to
              see, among other things, how salt was mined in the past.

              For safety reasons less than 1% of the mine is open to
              visitors, but even that is still almost four kilometres in
length more
              than enough to weary the average tourist after an hour or
two. The mine was
              closed for two reasons; the low price of salt on the world
market made it
              too expensive to extract here, and the mine was slowly
flooding.

              The religious carvings are what draw many to this mine, as
much
              for their amazing verisimilitude as for their Christian
aesthetics.
              The above shows Jesus appearing to the apostles after the
              crucifixion. He shows the doubter, Saint Thomas, the wounds
on his
              wrists.

              Another remarkable carving, "The Last Supper".
              The work and patience that must have gone into the creation
of these
              sculptures is extraordinary. During the mine's busiest period
in the
              nineteenth century, the cream of Europe's elite visited the
site. You can still see many of
              their names in the old visitors books on display.

              These "reliefs" are perhaps among some of the most
iconographic
              works of Christian folk art in the world and really do
deserve to be shown.
              It comes as little surprise to learn that the mine was placed
on the
              original list of UNESCO World Heritage Sites back in 1978.
			  
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Massachusetts Railway Bridge

Same Bridge, Different Truck
 Click here

# After the yellow Penske truck, keep watching the truck that comes from
the other side. Looks like nothing is happening, but keep your eye on the
roof.

# Saved the best for last, only happened 4 days ago -  The Pink Cara Donna
Truck
 Click here

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Plastic Rubbish
 Click here

An animation created by NASA in partnership with NOAA, covering the
movement of plastic rubbish, the so-called ocean garbage patches, using
data collected over 35 years. World's waste plastics are collected into
five huge garbage islands, that swirl around the Earth's major oceans.
Watch the amazing video - Click here

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Talent Strike
 Click here

10 X World's Best Got Talents Ever
 Click here
 
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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

F-35A does a Test Fire
 Click here

Paul Zerdin (America's got Talent)
 Click here

Overloaded (Some old, some new)
 Click here

Dog Thief: Cash Reward (Britain's got Talent)
 Click here

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Genitalia Vandalism
 Click here Click here

Genitalia Vandalism, is how they refer to someone going through an Ikea
factory, in Denmark, drawing penises on everything.

Oleg Rejnar, a 31-year old man from Aalborg, Denmark, was convicted for a
fairly bizarre act of vandalism on Tuesday.
On a visit to the IKEA in Aalborg, the man had taken one of the store's
wooden pencils, and proceeded to casually stroll through the warehouse,
drawing small penises on the walls and pieces of furniture on display.

"He drew up to 30 penises on walls and shelves around the warehouse," Rikke
Poulsen from the North Jutland police said.

IKEA staff eventually caught up with the vandal, who had left a trail of
crudely drawn genitalia in his wake, and reported him to the police.

Once caught, the man denied that he was responsible for all the drawings,
and that his curious crime was inspired, by having seen someone else do it
first.

The man received a suspended sentence of 20 days - and presumably a
lifetime ban from IKEA.

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SCHOOL PHOTOGRAPHS

This takes a bit of time to work through but the results are worth it.

I don't know where they got them from but they actually have photographs of
almost every school in the world.

Unless you went to school when cameras weren't  invented, you will find a
photo of yourself or at least your classmates.

Click on the link below or type it into your search line. You have to enter
the name of your  school and year that you were there.

Give it a go.....  !
 Click here

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THIS IS THE MUSIC SCORE FROM 50 SHADES OF GREY
 Click here

THIS IS THE MUSIC SCORE FROM 50 SHADES OF GREY

Can you read sheet music?  Well, I never could until now!

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[ End friday humour ]

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