Friday humour - August 28, 2015

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:
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Much excitement about the creation and placement of a bronze replica of
DaVinci's horse--6th one in the world--and coordinated through the
DaVinci's Science Center.  
Quite a feat for Sheridan to get this.  The horse if 8' tall--1/4 size of
DaVinci's original drawing.  DaVinci never got the horse poured as a war
intervened and all the bronze had to go for fighting implements--like 1516
or so.  There are quite a few pictures below the article as well.
 Click here

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Electric flying car
 Click here

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HONDA IS AT IT AGAIN

One has to wonder at the ingenuity of how this was put together.
Fantastic! Would love to know how many man hours it took to produce this
outstanding commercial.
 Click here

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Sometimes

Sometimes....when you cry....
No one sees your tears.

Sometimes....when you are in pain....
No one sees your hurt.

Sometimes....when you are worried....
No one sees your stress.

Sometimes....when you are happy....
No one sees your smile.

But FART !! Just ONE friggin' time.....
And everybody notices!!

And You thought this was going to be one of those
Heart-touching stories!

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Re: APOLOGY FROM THE HOSPITAL

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis
tip was NOT cancer, it was lipstick.
We deeply regret the amputation.


Subject: A wise person once said:

1.  We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realise that
the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.


2.  Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a
hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS!


3.  Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe s*x anymore. A friend of
mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.


4.  Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson,
Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will
grab whatever is available.


AND

5.  I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A recent
study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the
men who mention it.


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From: Billy Bunter of Adelaide
Subject: Gardening With Grandma

A teenage  granddaughter comes downstairs for her date wearing a
see-through blouse  and no bra.
Her grandmother has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like  that!
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams, these are modern times.  You gotta
let your rosebuds show!'

 And out she goes.
The next  day the teenager comes downstairs, and her grandmother is sitting
there  topless. The teenager wants to die!.
She explains to her grandmother that  she has friends coming over and that
this is just not  appropriate

 Her grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show  off your  rose
buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

 Happy  Gardening  !

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From: Sack
Subject: jigsaw puzzle

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, ‘Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure it out or how to
get it started’.

Her boyfriend asked, “What is it suppose to be when it’s finished’?

The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger”.

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in
and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her
and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be
able to assemble these piece into anything resembling a tiger”.

Her looked at her and said, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a
nice cup of hot chocolate and then”, he sighed,

“Let’s put all off the these frosted flakes back into the box”.


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From: Sack
Subject:  Confessional

A priest was called away on an emergency. Not wanting to leave the  
confessional booth unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the  
street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to
  come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to
  do.
The rabbi came over and he and the priest sat in the confessional booth  
together.
In a few minutes a woman came in and said, "Father, forgive me for  I have 
 sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do?".
The woman said, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest:  "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man entered the confessional.
He said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed  adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The rabbi told the priest that he thought that he got it, so the priest
left.
A few minutes later, another woman entered the confessional booth and said,
"Father, forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery"
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi:  "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for
$5."

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From: Sack

What Indians are told about Australia
A revealing insight to the Australian way of life by a so called insider.
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: The best election commentary yet!

I haven't left my house in days.
I watch the news channels incessantly.
All the news stories are about the election.
All the commercials are for Viagra and Cialis.
Election  -  erection  -  election  -  erection - either way we're getting
screwed! -- Bette Midler.

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From: Sack
Subject:Deep thoughts

 If you're not familiar with the work of Boswell D. Rabbitsmith famous
erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my
stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and
amusement. Here are some of his gems: (He also makes his living as a
comedian by the name of Steve Wright....)

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How can you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything seems to be coming your way, maybe you're in the wrong
lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not being smart enough to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death...twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

30 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

33 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights
work?

Subject:   Kiwis

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home
to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see
a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey!" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had
long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was
testicular removal.
"No way, doc," replied Wiremu. "I'm gitting a sicond opinion, ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised
him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner
he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from
someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate
suckness, ey."
"What's the cure thin, doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor, "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your
balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu,
"those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: SAYING OF THE DAY

  "I thought my vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant, but
all it did was change the colour of the baby."

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Fw: Joke: GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE, TOO...

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in
the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed

"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and
it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and you  should be ashamed of yourself! God loves
drunk people too.
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

 "Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the
reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing ," replied the drunk.​

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.
He was in the hospital, agonising in pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and...
IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function,
and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realised that he was obviously
in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes,
then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable,
"You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your b*obs, then?"

AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!


Subject: Seniors at a Coffee ShopJ

Hey Fellow Seniors!
Like it or not, this is our reality.

A group of seniors were sitting around at the Coffee Shop talking about all
their ailments.
"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my
coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so
crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you," said one elderly lady.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one,
to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he
slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully.
"Thank God we can all still drive."

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Never argue with a woman who reads.

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after
several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar
with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out herself.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to
read a book. The peace and solitude are magnificent
Along comes a Fish & Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?’ ‘Reading a
book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that quite obvious?') ‘You're in a
Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I am reading!’
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up a ticket.'
‘If you do that, I'll have to charge you with s*xual assault,' says the
woman.
‘But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment.’ ‘Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also
think.

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From: Wally
Subject: Battle Damage
Battle Damage (2 pages)
 Click here

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Re: The wedding ring !!!

A man went to the hospital in Cooktown, Queensland to have his wedding ring
cut off from his penis.

According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend
found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she
was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he
was asleep

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

OR...

3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.


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From: Billy Bunter of Adelaide
Subject: Lino Richie
 Click here

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From: Mitta
Subject: One from Paul
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
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From: Sack
Subject:  Church
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: S*x and Calories
They say that during s*x you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.
Who the hell runs 8 miles in 15 seconds?


Subject: FW: Mom's Driver's License!
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really
none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her
friend.
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and
shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a
divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in s*x.'
If you see someone without a smile today, give them one of yours.

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From: Wally
Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Men in Coats (Melbourne 2003)
 Click here

9 X Short Universe Doc*mentaries
 Click here

 
Subject: Maybe They were Wine Lovers?
 Click here

MAINZ, Germany - Thieves who broke into a brewery in Muelheim, Germany,
opened 1,200 bottles of Koenig Pilsener beer, but left the otherwise
untouched bottles stacked neatly in their crates, with the amber brew still
inside.

Crates full of opened bottles of beer,
sit in a brewery, after burglars took their caps, but didn't drink the
brew.
Investigators were initially surprised to find that all of the opened
bottles were of the same brand.

But they now believe the thieves were trying to win prizes offered through
a brewery promotion.

The bottle caps had tokens printed on them, with some entitling the holder
to tools and speakers.

Many of the caps weren't winners, and the thieves left bits of the metal
strewn across the shop's floor.

Marc Baron, a Koenig Brewery spokesman, said he found it quite incredible,
that someone would go to all such lengths to steal bottle caps. We have no
way to track where the bottle caps were sold, or in this case stolen, but
we will now watch for anyone, who sends in an unusually high number of
winning caps.


Subject: 19 X Weird Deaths
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Subject: Mirage 2000
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

On the 9th June 2011, this Dassault Mirage 2000BG, lost power, and crashed
into the Aegean Sea. Both pilots ejected safely. The plane was recovered,
but damaged beyond repair.
 Click here


Subject: 15 X Beaches
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

21 X Random Acts of Kindness
 Click here

Only in Canada
 Click here

Positive Advice
 Click here

Los Angeles
 Click here

10 Deadly Rocks
 Click here

Will He Make It?
 Click here

People are Awesome (Best of July 2015)
 Click here

World Record Free Solo
 Click here

Piano Man (Billy Joel & Friends)
 Click here

Piano Man – Award (Billy Joel & Friends)
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: CRICKET
 Click here

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Quote of the Week:

“ The good man is a friend of all living things.”

- Gandi

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[ End friday humour ]

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