Friday humour - August 21, 2015

Gussius @ Bluehaze

Wandering along the local strip shopping centres near where I live in
Melbourne, Downunder, I couldn't help but notice an increasing number of
vacant shop fronts. While retail turnover is not unusual, the vacancy rate
and duration tends to be an indicator of broader consumer confidence and
economic activity.

Investment by helicopter pilots did not just fall, but plummeted when
Bronwyn Bishop had her wings clipped. Local law firms cancelled Swiss
skiing holidays after a “B” grade AFL football club stopped spending
huge amounts of cash on lawyers and is now looking for a cut price coach
for performance enhancement.

Banks have initiated a credit squeeze to deter real estate bubble
investors, real wages have gone backwards, unemployment has headed north,
while China has revalued the Yuan down to close in on the Drachma.

At least  Australia has a Royal Commission led recovery, as the stock
market back flips towards GFC levels. Don't Panic.

Contributions this week are from Anonymous3,  Arfermo,  Billy Bunter of
Adelaide,  Havarum,  Haz,  KRP,  Sack,  Seasoldier,  Whizzbang,  Duke of
Barsinov,  Wally,


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C'EST DE LA PHOTO:

Here you go - an around-the-world tour in only 7 minutes!
 Click here

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Grand Lobbies of Detroit:

If you saw these, not knowing where they are located, Detroit would
probably not even make your list of guesses. BEAUTIFUL!!!!!
 Click here

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Carousel on ice:

New use for an outboard engine in winter. Isn't it interesting what happens
when the cabin fever starts to kick in!
 Click here

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V-J Day celebration in Honolulu, 70 years ago:
 Click here

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A&L:

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.
ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible times. It's 5.6 per cent.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that's 23 per cent.

COSTELLO: You just said 5.6 per cent.
ABBOTT: 5.6 per cent unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right, 5.6 per cent out of work.
ABBOTT: No, that's 23 per cent .

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 23 per cent unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, that's 5.6 per cent .

COSTELLO: Wait a minute! Is it 5.6 per cent or 23 per cent ?
ABBOTT: 5.6 per cent are unemployed. 23 per cent are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work, you are unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can't count the out of work as the
unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are out of work!
ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO: What point?
ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who
look for work. It wouldnt be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?
ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out
of work gave up looking; and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks
of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment rolls, that would count as less
unemployment?
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment rate just goes down because you don't look for
work?
ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how it gets to 5.6 per cent.
Otherwise it would be 23 per cent.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to
bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier
of the two is to have people stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a politician.

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Water trick:

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper
and threatening manner.
The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time
ma hubbie Sandy comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'.

"The Doctor says: "Aye, well. I have a real good cure for that. When your
husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until
he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk,
I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even
once!

Tell me Doc, wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet m'dear, it's really nae big secret. The water does
bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

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How right!!:

The plain truth -

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not
decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts
because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe.
Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do
humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive
decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar,
but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of
older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they
get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a
memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.

SO THERE!!
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember
their names. So, please forward this to your friends; they may be my
friends, too.

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The Power of Soap:

Take a look at this!!!!
SHOW THIS TO YOUR KIDS AND GRANDKIDS . . . JUST MAGIC !!
Bubble Science at work
 Click here

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Conference calls:
 Click here

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Church:

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ..."I'm sleeping with the pastor's
wife.
Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After the services, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts
of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...My friend is
sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...

"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"

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Arrested Development - Guest Star Bronnie:
 Click here

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A beautiful story:

God works in mysterious ways .
The 21-year old American B-17 pilot glanced outside his c*ckpit and froze.
He blinked hard and looked again, hoping it was just a mirage. But his
Co-Pilot stared at the same horrible vision. "My God, this is a nightmare,"
the Co-Pilot said.

"He's going to destroy us," the Pilot agreed.

The men were looking at a gray German Messerschmitt fighter hovering just
three feet off their wingtip. It was five days before Christmas 1943, and
the fighter had closed in on their crippled American B-17 bomber for the
kill.

Brown's Crippled B-17 Stalked by Stigler's ME-109

The B-17 Pilot, Charles Brown, was a 21-year-old West Virginia farm boy on
his first combat mission. His bomber had been shot to pieces by swarming
fighters, and his plane was alone, struggling to stay in the skies above
Germany. Half his crew was wounded, and the tail gunner was dead, his blood
frozen in icicles over the machine guns.

But when Brown and his Co-Pilot, Spencer "Pinky" Luke, looked at the
Fighter Pilot again, something odd happened. The German didn't pull the
trigger. He stared back at the bomber in amazement and respect. Instead of
pressing the attack, he nodded at Brown and saluted. What happened next was
one of the most remarkable acts of chivalry recorded during World War Il.

Luftwaffe Major Franz Stigler
Stigler pressed his hand over the rosary he kept in his flight jacket. He
eased his index finger off the trigger. He couldn't shoot. It would be
murder.

Stigler wasn't just motivated by vengeance that day. He also lived by a
code. He could trace his Family's Ancestry to Knights in 16th Century
Europe. He had once studied to be a Priest. A German Pilot who spared the
enemy, though, risked death in Nazi Germany. If someone reported him, he
would be executed.

Yet, Stigler could also hear the voice of his commanding officer, who once
told him: "You follow the rules of war for you -- not your enemy. You fight
by rules to keep your humanity."

Alone with the crippled bomber, Stigler changed his mission. He nodded at
the American Pilot and began flying in formation so German anti-aircraft
gunners on the ground wouldn't shoot down the slow-moving bomber. (The
Luftwaffe had B-17's of its own, shot down and rebuilt for secret missions
and training.) Stigler escorted the bomber over the North Sea and took one
last look at the American Pilot. Then he saluted him, peeled his fighter
away and returned to Germany.

"Good luck," Stigler said to himself. "You're in God's hands now..." Franz
Stigler didn't think the big B-17 could make it back to England and
wondered for years what happened to the American Pilot and crew he
encountered in combat.

Charles Brown, with his wife, Jackie (left),
with Franz Stigler, with his wife, Hiya.
As he watched the German fighter peel away that December day, 2nd Lt.
Charles Brown wasn't thinking of the philosophical connection between
enemies. He was thinking of survival. He flew his crippled plan, filled
with wounded, back to his base in England and landed with one of four
engines knocked out, one failing and barely any fuel left. After his bomber
came to a stop, he leaned back in his chair and put a hand over a pocket
Bible he kept in his flight jacket. Then he sat in silence.

Brown flew more missions before the war ended. Life moved on. He got
married, had two Daughters, supervised foreign aid for the U.S. State
Department during the Vietnam War and eventually retired to Florida.

Late in life, though, the encounter with the German Pilot began to gnaw at
him. He started having nightmares, but in his dream there would be no act
of mercy. He would awaken just before his bomber crashed.

Brown took on a new mission. He had to find that German Pilot. Who was he?
Why did he save my life? He scoured Military Archives in the U.S. and
England. He attended a Pilots' Reunion and shared his story. He finally
placed an ad in a German Newsletter for former Luftwaffe Pilots, retelling
the story and asking if anyone knew the Pilot.

On January 18, 1990, Brown received a letter. He opened it and read: "Dear
Charles, All these years I wondered what happened to that B-17, did she
make it home? Did her crew survive their wounds? To hear of your survival
has filled me with indescribable joy..."

It was Stigler.

He had left Germany after the war and moved to Vancouver, British Columbia,
in 1953. He became a prosperous Businessman. Now retired, Stigler told
Brown that he would be in Florida come summer and "it sure would be nice to
talk about our encounter." Brown was so excited, though, that he couldn't
wait to see Stigler. He called Directory Assistance for Vancouver and asked
whether there was a number for a Franz Stigler. He dialed the number, and
Stigler picked up.

"My God, it's you!" Brown shouted as tears ran down his cheeks.

Brown had to do more. He wrote a letter to Stigler in which he said: "To
say THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU on behalf of my surviving crew members
and their families appears totally inadequate."

The two Pilots would meet again, but this time in person, in the lobby of a
Florida hotel. One of Brown's Friends was there to record the Summer
Reunion. Both men looked like retired businessmen: they were plump,
sporting neat ties and formal shirts. They fell into each other's arms and
wept and laughed. They talked about their encounter in a light, jovial
tone.

The mood then changed. Someone asked Stigler what he thought about Brown.
Stigler sighed and his square jaw tightened. He began to fight back tears
before he said in heavily accented English: "I love you, Charlie."
Stigler had lost his Brother, his Friends and his Country. He was virtually
exiled by his Countrymen after the war. There were 28,000 Pilots who fought
for the German Air Force. Only 1,200 survived.
The war cost him everything. Charlie Brown was the only good thing that
came out of World War II for Franz. It was the one thing he could be proud
of. The meeting helped Brown as well, says his oldest daughter, Dawn
Warner.

They met as enemies but Franz Stigler, on left, and Charles Brown, ended up
as fishing buddies.

Brown and Stigler became pals. They would take fishing trips together. They
would fly cross-country to each other homes and take road trips together to
share their story at schools and Veterans' Reunions. Their Wives, Jackie
Brown and Hiya Stigler, became Friends.

Brown's Daughter says her Father would worry about Stigler's health and
constantly check in on him.

"It wasn't just for show," she says. "They really did feel for each other.
They talked about once a week." As his friendship with Stigler deepened,
something else happened to her father, Warner says "The nightmares went
away."

Brown had written a letter of thanks to Stigler, but one day, he showed the
extent of his gratitude. He organized a reunion of his surviving crew
members, along with their extended families. He invited Stigler as a Guest
of Honor.

During the Reunion, a video was played showing all the faces of the people
that now lived -- Children, Grandchildren, Relatives -- because of
Stigler's act of Chivalry. Stigler watched the film from his Seat of Honor.

"Everybody was crying, not just him," Warner says.

Stigler and Brown died within months of each other in 2008. Stigler was 92,
and Brown was 87. They had started off as Enemies, became Friends, and then
something more.

After he died, Warner was searching through Brown's library when she came
across a book on German fighter jets. Stigler had given the book to Brown.
Both were country boys who loved to read about planes.

Warner opened the book and saw an inscription Stigler had written to Brown:

In 1940, I lost my only brother as a night fighter. On the 20th of December
, 4 days before Christmas, I had the chance to save a B-17 from her
destruction, a plane so badly damaged it was a wonder that she was still
flying .
The Pilot, Charlie Brown, is for me as precious as my Brother was.

Thanks Charlie

Your Brother, Franz

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I am a Seenager:

(Senior teenager)

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance (pensions).
I have my own pad.

I don't have a curfew.
I have a drivers licence and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars, the LCBO Store and the Beer Store.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don't have acne.

Life is great !!!

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Didn't take long ..!:

Our Cricket Woes

The Australian bob-sleigh team have asked the Aussie cricket team for a
meeting. They want to ask their advice about going downhill so fast!

What's the difference between Michael Clarke and a funeral director? A
funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.

What is the main function of the Australian team coach? To transport the
team from the hotel to the ground.

On his way out into the middle to bat, Michael Clarke gets a call from his
wife. A team-mate answered and tells her he's heading out to the middle.
His wife replies, 'I'll hold, he won't be long!'

What's the difference between an Aussie batsman and a Formula 1 car?
Nothing! If you blink you'll miss them both.

Who has the easiest job in the Australian squad? The guy who removes the
red ball marks from the bats.

What did the spectator miss when he went to the loo? The entire Australian
innings.

What's the Australian version of LBW? Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Why is Michael Clarke cleverer than Houdini? Because he can get out without
even trying.

What do you call a cricket field full of Australians ? A vacant lot.

Did you hear what the stump microphones picked up when The Ashes skippers
tossed the coin? Cook called correctly and, quick as a flash, said to
Michael Clarke, 'You lads can bat.' Just as quickly, Clarke replied, 'No,
we can't. We really can't.'

What's the difference between Michael Clarke and a phoenix? At the end of
the ashes, the phoenix still has a future.

What do you call an Aussie with a bottle of Champagne? A waiter.

What do you call a world-class Australian cricketer? Retired.

What do you call an Australian who can hold a catch? A fisherman.

Why can no-one drink wine in Australia at the moment? They haven't got any
openers ..

What is the difference between Cinderella and the Aussies? Cinderella knew
when to leave the ball.

What does an Australian batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common
with Michael Jackson? They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Who spends the most time at the crease of anyone on the Australian cricket
team? The woman who irons their cricket whites.

What do you call an Aussie holding a six inch urn above his head? The
England coach.

What's the height of optimism? An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.

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7 days of chuckles

MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that  her daughter was
having s*x...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's
status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt
to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to
arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to
her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,
the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh
Mom! You don't have to worry about that!
I'm dating Susan!'

TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No sh*t?'

WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small
penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared,
'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack
of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th
floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had
anything to say in her own defense.

Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he
could fly.'

FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term
harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing
that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised
his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

SAT*RDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very s*xy 25-year-old blonde-haired
woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful s*x appeal and
charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they
corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob
replies, Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to
ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age,' Bob
replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

SUNDAY

Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Switzerland . As
they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process
of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the
group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they
no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your
old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

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Surgery:

A s*xually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she
wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have
become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of
course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside
her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically
asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went
through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man in the burn unit, he wanted to thank you for his new
ears."

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PRICELESS..:

INNOCENCE IS PRICELESS

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of
the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with
small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
priest walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good
morning Alex."

"Good morning Father," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Father,
what is this?" he asked the priest.

The priest said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women
who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally,
little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which
service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

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Muslim Book Store:

So, I was walking through a mall in Chicago and I saw that there was a
"Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim book
store so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if
he could help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, 'Do you have
a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding
Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk said, "F*ck off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

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The Divorced Barbie Doll:

One day a father, on his way home from work, suddenly remembers that it's
his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales
person, 'How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out
Barbie for 19.95, Shopping Barbie for 19.95, Beach Barbie for 19.95, Disco
Barbie for 19.95, Astronaut Barbie for 19.95, Skater Barbie for 19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for 265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie 265.95 and
the others only 19.95?'

Annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced
Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's
balls.'

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Two-year-old Dusty the kangaroo is convinced he is a dog:

Dusty the kangaroo is convinced he is a dog and loves life on the farm at
Wittenoom Hills, near Esperance in Western Australia

Ashley Stewart and his family farm at Wittenoom Hills, 60 kilometres
north-east of Esperance, in Western Australia. Mr. Stewart rescued the joey
after its mother was killed when hit by a car in a road accident.

"We weren't sure he would even survive but we fed him and of course he's
just taken off from there," he said.

"He lives on the back patio. We've actually had to go and buy a third dog
bed for him to sleep in because he used to pinch one of the beds from the
dogs."

Mr. Stewart said Lilly the golden retriever and Rosie the border collie
loved their kangaroo. "He thinks Lilly is his mum, he's always grooming
her, they're always together and if Lilly goes out of the yard he pines for
her and sort of hops up and down the fence until he's let out to go with
her."

Mr. Stewart said Dusty, the kangaroo, wore a collar like a dog.

"When he was little we let him out during the day and then we'd get him at
night and lock him back up in the backyard and we couldn't find him because
they don't make any noise and they just sit very still so I'd have to go
out in the dark with a torch.

"So I got a collar and I put some reflective tape on it so it would shine
out in the torch light and I could find him."
 Click here

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View the 1945 Naval Armada Set to Invade Japan, Awesome!

If you have any interest in WWII info, you may find this very interesting.

Here comes another surprise... It was 1944 and the pictures were not
available during the war. The US kept this place unknown to the citizens of
the US . This is quite a story!!

This is phenomenal. An Armada of ships and airplanes poised for the
invasion of Japan that never happened because President Truman authorized
the dropping of bombs at Nagasaki and Hiroshima that resulted in the
Japanese surrender. Just think of the American lives that would have been
lost had this invasion occurred. Be thankful that USA had a President with
the courage to make the call. Sadly most Americans today know nothing about
this and the sacrifices made by those before us. We are not teaching US
history in our schools anymore.

Some great pictures of the Ulithi armada! US Naval armada deployed for
invasion of Japan . Keep this for posterity. There will never be another
assemblage of naval ships like this again.

Staging area for the invasion of Japan . Check out the carriers on
"Murderer's Row."

If any of you folks had fathers, grandfathers or uncles in the Navy during
World War II, they may well have been involved in this operation, given the
tremendous number of the ships and personnel involved.

You may also recognize them in some of the photos. Click below:
 Click here

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Subject: The Nun & The Priest
 Click here

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The Flying Car:

Leave it to the Germans

The GERMANS are always coming up with incredible stuff. This has to be one
of the slickest machines ever engineered.
 Click here

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Southwest Flight Attendant:

You may have to pause it so you can read it, she speaks very quick but is
well worth a read
Classic - worth listening to.

She is a very fast talker, so pay attention to the script on left of
screen....
This is WORTH the time to listen....
 Click here

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Love this one -couldn't stop laughing:
 Click here

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Aussie Safety Sign:
 Click here

Making it clear who should not be operating this machine

Australian Occupational Health and Safety regulations demand clear wording
on all warning signs

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Always Ask ... Never Assume:
 Click here

His request approved, the Bulletin Newspaper photographer quickly used his
mobile phone to call the Townsville airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut,
and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over Mount
Stuart and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the
hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for the Bulletin' he responded,' and I need to
get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment,
finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,
is . . ... You're NOT my new flight instructor?'

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THIS IS WHAT'S COMING:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Get Ready For The Future
THESE ARE REALLY GOOD!

Traffic Signal with Hour glass timer
Solar Charging while Parking
Wearable wireless mouse
Hoodie BackPack
Hidden Power Outlet
Unique umbrella design
Eco friendly Toilet
Solar rocking chair
You will have no problem finding the keyhole
For smart parents
Digital Measuring Cup
Built-in Wall extension cord iPhone Lens
Spoke-less bicycle
Compact Boots
Digital Ink for Tablets
Solar Charges + Window Stickies
Knives Set
Rubik's cube for the blind
Zipper Ear Phones
Self Locking Bike
Calendar Ring
Solar Powered Camping Tent

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The Importance Of Water, And Old Age:
 Click here

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100 Year Old Rolls Royce:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

BEAUTIFUL JUST DOESN'T DESCRIBE IT.

100 Year Old Rolls Royce
It was originally bought for £1,000 in 1912 (almost£93,000 in today's
money) but has now gone under the hammer for £4,705,500, making it the
most expensive Rolls-Royce ever sold at auction.
Unique: This 100-year-old Silver Ghost Rolls Royce has sold for a
world-record price of £5million after a furious budding war at Bonhams.

Through the roof: The lengthy auction saw two enthusiasts duelling for the
pristine car as the bidding went up in increments of £100,000, smashing
past the £2million estimate.

In great nick: The six-cylinder, 7.3-litre car comes with perfect
provenance and is still purring smoothly, doing about 15 miles to the
gallon.
What it lacks in gadgetry, the British-made classic more than compensates
for with an extraordinary level of luxury that leaves its modern-day
counterparts looking a little unsophisticated.

Its gleaming interior fittings are made of silver and ivory, while the door
panels are embroidered silk, with brocade tassels attached to silk window
shades for privacy.

THE PASSENGER FOOTREST HIDES A FULL PICNIC SET FOR FOUR, A CHINA TEA
SERVICE, COMPLETE WITH AN ALCOHOL-FUELLED BURNER AND KETTLE TO HEAT THE
WATER, AND A SET OF SIX DECANTERS â THREE IN STERLING SILVER AND THREE IN
LEATHER-WRAPPED GLASS.
The sale took place at the Goodwood Festival of Speed in West Suss*x on
Friday. Auctioneers had expected it to sell for around £2million and
were astonished when the bidding between two rival collectors topped
£4million.

James Knight, from Bonhams auctioneers, said: âThere were three bidders,
then one of them dropped out at £2.3million and we thought it would end
there.

Traveling in style: The design chosen by its original owner echoed the
luxurious 'Pullman' Railway carriages pioneered by American George Pullman.

Luxurious: The elegant passenger compartment (left) complete with 29
bevelled glass windows and (right) the stylish steering wheel.

But then another bidder entered and the bidders were duelling. It went up
in increments of £50,000, and then £100,000, and then back down to
£50,000.

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UK Immigration:
 Click here

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The story of IKEA:
 Click here Click here

He lives in a bungalow, flies Easy Jet and 'dries out' three times a
year... the man who founded Ikea and is worth more than $15bn
Self-made man:
Ingvar Kamprad with wife Margaretha
In his faded coat, tinted prescription glasses and scuffed shoes, he looks
like just another pensioner scr*ping by on a tight budget.
But the man pictured here is Ingvar Kamprad, the reclusive Swedish founder
of Ikea. And he is worth $15.7billion.
That makes him the world's seventh richest man, but the 81-year-old admits
he is still "a bit tight" with money.
He takes easyJet flights, drives himself around in a 15-year-old Volvo, and
has furnished his modest house almost entirely with Ikea items - which he
assembled himself.

He boasted that he changed his barber of many years' standing after finding
another who would cut his hair for only $6.
And when he arrived at a gala evening recently to collect a Businessman of
the Year Award, the security guards refused to let him in because they saw
him getting off a bus when he arrived.

A former Nazi sympathiser in the years immediately following the Second
World War, he is a self-confessed alcoholic who admits he has an ongoing
problem with drink. But he says he has it under control and adds that he
"dries out" three times a year. His eagerness to save money extends to his
visits to London, when he shuns taxis and prefers to use the Tube or buses.

A simple life: Mr Kamprad's Swiss home, furnished almost entirely with
items from Ikea

He now lives in semi-retirement with his wife Margaretha in a villa in
Switzerland. The couple are often seen dining out in cheap restaurants and
haggling over prices in the market. He always does his food shopping in the
afternoon, when the prices in his local market start to fall.
Recently, a statue of him was erected in his Swedish home town, and he was
invited to cut the ribbon.
It was reported that instead he untied it, folded it neatly and handed it
to the mayor, telling him he could now use it again.

Explaining his frugal nature, he said: "I am a bit tight with money, a sort
of Swedish Scotsman.
But so what? "If I start to acquire luxurious things then this will only
incite others to follow suit.
"It's important that leaders set an example.

"I look at the money I'm about to spend on myself and ask if Ikea's
customers could afford it.
"From time to time I like to buy a nice shirt and cravat - and eat Swedish
fish roe."
Mr Kamprad was 17 when he founded Ikea in 1943. The name came from his
initials,
IK, with an E for Elmtaryd, the family farm where he grew up, and an A for
Agunnaryd, his home village.
He came up with the idea of flat-packed furniture when he was trying to fit
a table into the boot of his car - a friend suggested he should take the
legs off, and the rest is history.

He opened his first store in 1965, only to see the wind smash the neon sign
and cause a fire which burned the place down. From that inauspicious
beginning-Ikea has grown from a village-based mail order business to a
multinational empire with a turnover of nearly $9 billion a year.

It is 21 years since Ikea opened its first British store, in Warrington,
Cheshire, taking the furniture business by storm and bringing the joys -
and frustrations - of the flatpack to countless homes. Ikea is now
Britain's fourth biggest furniture retailer despite having relatively few
branches.
It has been claimed that more people read the Ikea catalogue than the Bible
- and that one in ten Europeans have been conceived on an Ikea bed.

The company is now run jointly by Mr Kamprad's three sons Peter, 44, Jonas,
41, and Matthias, 39,
because their father does not want any one person to have total control.

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A small favour please…:

Hello there,

I have a favour to ask of you. I have some friends from overseas who are
camping their way around the world. They are keen to spend time in England
with a view to immigration.

Given the current unrest in the world today and the financial downturn they
are somewhat worried about camping in 'public' camping sites. They have
asked me if I know where they could go in safety and where the
accommodation (and meals) might be affordable.

I hope you don't think it's rude of me, but I have taken the liberty of
giving them your name and address in the hope that you can find a spot for
them at or near your place for a night or two. I hope you don't mind.

They are travelling in a couple of Mercedes and will be bringing their own
camping gear.

I have attached a picture to help in identification if, or when, they show
up.

Thank you in anticipation of your co-operation and hospitality.
 Click here

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18 Things Every Country Should Have:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

In different parts of the world, different countries have developed unique
ways to deal with certain problems, as well as help their citizens have a
better life, and be healthier. Some of these ideas haven't gotten to other
parts of the world, and it's a real shame. While this is not a definitive
list, it is still filled with amazing ideas, that every country should
adopt.
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Under the World Trade Centre:
 Click here Click here Click here

In 2010, during routine work on the site where the World Trade Centre once
stood ("Ground Zero"), construction workers clearing rubble and earth,
started finding wooden beams - a material not commonly used in construction
of skyscr*pers.

As they were clearing the area, they kept finding more and more of the
beams, and realized that professionals should be called in. Archaeologists
started carefully clearing up the area and made and amazing discovery, they
found an old ship, that was 67 feet long.

Wood samples were collected and sent for testing, and the results showed
that the ship was indeed very old. The timber used for the construction was
from trees, cut at around 1770 in the Philadelphia area, meaning that the
ship was about 240 years old! It's currently unclear how this ship ended up
22 feet under current street-level.

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The Queen of England:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

This gives new meaning to the phrase "Long Live the Queen".

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Love:
 Click here

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Idiots at Work:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

(Some Old, Some New)

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Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Jehovah's Witnesses
 Click here

Chameleons
 Click here

Elephants of Mfuwe Lodge
 Click here

10 Most Expensive Cars sold at Auction
 Click here

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Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

6 X Bizarre Volunteers
 Click here

Vintage War Planes
 Click here

15 X Street Performers
 Click here

US Military Videos & Photos
 Click here

10 X Amazing Robots
 Click here

Photos from the Past
 Click here

Love Boat Reject Photos
 Click here

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Disabled Parking:
 Click here

P*ssed off
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CAN YOU TELL THE MOTHERS FROM THE DAUGHTERS? [XXX]:
ANSWERS AFTER LAST PICTURE
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Who cares !!! But I know you gave the pics careful scrutiny.

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Oh Bronwyn.:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Didn't take long ...

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Stuff_you_dont_see_every_day:
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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