Friday humour - August 14, 2015

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

This weeks collection arrived courtesy of Arfermo, Haz, Sack, Seasoldier,
Wally, and Whizzbang (mostly). Enjoy!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

If you are under 40 years old...

A woman goes back to work after thirty years.
Watch  carefully, the video is only 5 seconds long, but, you'll get it.
If you're younger than 40 years old, you probably won't understand  it.
 www.youtube.com/embed/qteu4ld_SCE?rel=0

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Walking Down The Aisle.
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the
aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was, standing beside
me.
I gave her a loving smile and said,
"Get that trolley over here, Love. They're doing 3 cartons of beer for the
price of 2!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Selby of the Underflow

I had written him a ditty, not to taunt nor out of pity.
And sent it to the hospice where, they said, his stocks were low.
He's a mess, said those who knew him, but I sent the letter to him,
Just on spec, addressed as follows: Selby of the Underflow.
And an answer came directed, in the writing I expected,
With its interruptive phrasing and in script that's hard to read
But the news it brought was numbing, now they want to fix his plumbing!
Another gash you wouldn't think he'd need.

Tho' I'm no Marcus Welby, visions come to me of Selby
Lying prostrate minus prostate, where these northern bowlers go
With his doodle bruised and stinging, he's unlikely to be singing
And when the aide comes in to wash it, there won't be much to show
And the ward hath friends to meet him, and the smirking nurses greet him
With a clattering of bed pans and the trolley's squeaky wheels
Although their bouncing bosoms taunt him and their youthful figures haunt
him
None can stop to pass the time, nor ask him how he feels.

And pi**ed off he might well be, there are better things for Selby
When his bones and scars are mended, and his plumbing starts to flow
Nor more ceaseless night time flushing – just one copious morning
gushing
And he'll wonder how he got that name:

Selby of the Underflow.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Sunday Morning S*x

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly
100 years old having s*x would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my
dear," replied granny. "Many years ago,
realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when
the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice
and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the
Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
If you do not laugh at this, then you are seriously depressed,
Make a doctor's appointment.
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Proofreading is a Dying Art?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial
Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the
editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a
correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No cr*p, really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

My theme song (Country Western song)
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Air New Zealand airline safety video

Think that we may have to fly Air New Zealand for our next overseas
jaunt!!!!
A great production.
It's enough to make you want to bump up your frequent flyer points - or
spend a few, depending on how you look at it!
 www.youtube.com/embed/qOw44VFNk8Y?feature=player_embedded
Well done, Kiwis!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Funeral
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family
members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
 Click here
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."
"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's
heading off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Canberra winter!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

How's YOUR day going? ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Dave's fashion advice

Love those Italian politicians ...
This is the Italian Minister Maria Elena Boschi, signing the oath of office
to her new government job.
Quite the wrong choice of shoe colour to wear with that suit for such  an
important occasion ...
Just saying - in my opinion
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

The Art of Perfect Timing
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

CRICKET
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

They never stop.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Accident
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Scottish breathalyser.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (August 07, 2015)  Index Next (August 21, 2015)