Friday humour - August 07, 2015

This weeks  selection came from Anonymous 3, Burnout, Duke of Barsinov,
KRP, Seasoldier, Wally and Sack

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From: Anonymous3
Subject: Next Sat*rday

PLEASE DON'T FORGET NEXT SAT*RDAY
"WALK-NAKED-IN-AMERICA-DAY" !!!!
 Click here

As you may already know, it is   sin for   Muslim male to see any naked
woman, other than his wife, and if he does, he must commit suicide.

So next Sat*rday at 1 P.M. Eastern Time, ALL American women are asked to
walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood
terrorists.


Circling your block for 1 hour is recommended for this anti-terrorism
effort.

All patriotic men ARE to position themselves in lawn chairs with coolers,
in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women.
And, to PROVE that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers.

Since Islam also does NOT approve of alcohol,   cold 30-pack of beer at
your side is FURTHER proof of your patriotism.

God Bless America!!

P.S. ----If you don't send this to at least 1 person, you're  
terrorist-sympathizing, Lily-livered coward and are possibly aiding and
abetting terrorists.


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HOPE THIS PUTS   SMILE ON YOUR FACE...
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Curling up with your best friend made all your troubles go away!!!
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 Click here

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Subject: Wonders of God's Creation
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From: Burnout
Subject: " Up Close & Personal "
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
 Subject: Fw: Eine kleine nachtmusik

| I'm sending this to those of my friends who I know to be appreciative of
good music and who will enjoy this bit of culture and the performing arts. 
This is one of my favorite movements and take note if you will of the
crescendos, tonal quality and absence of flat spots. I look forward to
future performances where we can enjoy not only the upper range but the
full benefit of an organ.
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: If Nelson were in the Navy today….

FRUSTRATING STORY

Nelson:  Order the signal, Hardy. ˇ
Hardy :  Aye, aye sir. ˇ
Nelson : Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's
the meaning of this? ˇ
Hardy :  Sorry sir? ˇ
Nelson (reading aloud):  ˛England expects every person to do his duty,
regardless of race, gender, s*xual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability ˇ. 'What gobbledygook is this? ˇ
Hardy :  Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
censors, lest it be considered racist. ˇ
Nelson : Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco. ˇ
Hardy :  Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
working environments. ˇ
Nelson :  In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle. ˇ
Hardy :  The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking. ˇ
Nelson :  Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full
speed ahead then. ˇ
Hardy :  I think you'll find that there's   4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water. ˇ
Nelson :  Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest se  battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
please. ˇ
Hardy :  That won't be possible, sir. ˇ
Nelson :  What? ˇ
Hardy :  Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness.
And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected. ˇ
Nelson  ˇThen get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy. ˇ
Hardy :  He's busy knocking up   wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral.
ˇ
Nelson  Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd. ˇ
Hardy  Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide   barrier free
environment for the differently abled. ˇ
Nelson :  Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by
playing the disability card. ˇ
Hardy :  Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency. ˇ Nelson: 'Whatever next?
Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons. ˇ
Hardy :couple of problems there too; sir. Health and safety won't let
the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt -haven't you seen the- adverts? ˇ
Nelson :  I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
men to stand by to engage the enemy.
Hardy :  The men are   bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral. ˇ
Nelson : 'What? This is mutiny. ˇ
Hardy :  It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are   couple of legal-aid
lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks. ˇ
Nelson :  Then how are we to sink the French and the Spanish? ˇ
Hardy :  Actually sir, we're not. ˇ
Nelson : 'We're not? ˇ
Hardy :  No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with   claim for compensation. ˇ
Nelson :  But you must hate   Frenchman as you hate the devil. ˇ
Hardy :  I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on   disciplinary. ˇ
Nelson :  You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King. ˇ
Hardy :  Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life ˇ
Nelson :  Don't tell me  -  health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash? ˇ
Hardy :  As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's   ban on
corporal punishment. ˇ
Nelson : 'What about sodomy? ˇ
Hardy :  I believe that is now legal, sir. ˇ
Nelson :  In that case. kiss me, Hardy ˇ

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: New Technology
 Click here


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From: KRP
 Click here

Our Bronnie, 30 Jul 2015;
"I love this country very much and it does sadden me that I feel I've let
them down."

Samuel Johnson 7 Apr 1775;
"Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel".

Nothing has changed in 240 years.

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From: Sack
Subject:   Once up on   time.

Once upon   time there was   king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and asked about the upcoming weather
conditions.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the days
ahead. So the King went fishing with his wife, the queen.
On the way he met   farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer
said,
"Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just  
short time I Expect   huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace
meteorologist in high Regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced
professional. And besides, I pay him Very high wages. He gave me   very
different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my Way."
  short time later   torrential rain fell from the sky. The king and queen
were totally soaked.
Their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such   drenched condition.
Furious, the king Returned to the palace and fired the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying
role of Royal Forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I
obtain my information From my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping,
it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and
occupy its highest and most influential advisory positions.

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Fw: Humor   good one!

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ..."I'm sleeping with the
minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service
for me?"
Mike doesn't like it, but being   friend, he agrees.
After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him
all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up
to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to
keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for   minute, smiles, puts   brotherly hand on
Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died   year ago".

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From: Seasoldier
Subject:  Riddle for Seniors

Riddle for seniors....
Today's riddle for seniors...Here is the situation:

You are on   horse, galloping at   constant speed.
On your right side is   sharp drop-off.
On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as
you.
Directly in front of you is   galloping kangaroo and your horse is
unable to overtake it.
Behind you is   lion running at the same speed as you and the
kangaroo.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation ?

Think logically before you track down for the answer

Quietly get  off the merry-go-round and go home!

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 From: Seasoldier
 Subject:   Case of Elevating Stress

ELEVATING STRESS!

You pick up   hitchhiker...   beautiful girl.

Suddenly, she faints inside your truck and you take her to the
hospital.

Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate
you that you're going to be   father.

You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.
This is getting very stressful!

You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed,

The doctor says the test shows you're infertile,

And probably have been since birth.

You're extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 5 kids at home.

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 From: Wally
 Subject:  The Fibonacci Sequence

1,1,2,3,5,8,13,21,34,55,89,144, etc.

God's Fingerprint
 Click here

The Fibonacci Sequence controls EVERYTHING in nature. It works by starting
with 1, 1, The next number is ALWAYS the previous 2 numbers eg.
1 + 1   = 2
1 + 2   = 3 2 + 3   = 5 3 + 5   = 8 5 + 8   = 13 8 + 13
= 21 13   + 21 = 34 21   + 34 = 55 34   + 55 = 89 55   + 89 = 144 etc. etc.

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Marriage License Office Clerk

— This should make us see where we are going..... —

"Good morning. We want to apply for   marriage license."

"Names?", said the clerk.

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones?? Are you related?? I see the resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers?? You can't get married."

"Why not?? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender
couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."

"Not gay?? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other.
Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples
who've claim they'd been denied equal protection under the law. If you are
not gay, you can get married to   woman."

"Wait   minute.   gay man has the same right to marry   woman as I
have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry   woman. I
want to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us
just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."

"Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bis*xual. I love Jane and Robert,
Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June
and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can
express our s*xual preferences in   marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bis*xuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional ide  of marriage is that
it's just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says?? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples.
The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the
constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us   marriage
license!"

"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like   marriage license."

"In what names?"

"David Anderson."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself?? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have   dual personality, so I want to
marry the two together. Maybe I can file   joint income-tax return."

"That does it!? I quit!!? You people are making   mockery of
marriage!!"------------

...Don't laugh, it ˙s just   matter of time.

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Fw: It's started
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: BLACKADDER EXPLAINS THE GREEK CRISIS
 Click here Click here

Baldrick: "What I want to know, Sir is, before there was Euro there were
lots of different types of money that different people used. And now 
there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want
to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of
affairs"
Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"
Baldrick: "Yes Sir"
Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many
different countries all running their own finances and using different
types of  money. On one side you had the major economies of France ,
Belgium , Holland and Germany , and on the other, the weaker nations of
Spain , Greece , Ireland , Italy and Portugal . They got together and
decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the
same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where
everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be situation
whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".
Baldrick: "But this is sort of crisis, isn't it Sir?".
Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw
with the plan".
Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?" Blackadder: "It was bollocks". |

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Fw: Absolutely Brilliant !!!

COSTELLO:   I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.
ABBOTT:   Good Subject. Terrible Times. It ˙s 5.6%.
COSTELLO:   That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT:  No, that ˙s 23%.
COSTELLO: You just said 5.6%.
ABBOTT:   5.6% unemployed.
COSTELLO:   Right. 5.6% out of work.
ABBOTT:   No, that ˙s 23%.
COSTELLO:   Okay, so it ˙s 23% unemployed.
ABBOTT:   No, that ˙s 5.6%.
COSTELLO:   WAIT  MINUTE. Is it 5.6% or 23%?
ABBOTT:   5.6% are unemployed. 23% are out of work.
COSTELLO:   If you are out of work, you are unemployed.
ABBOTT:   No, Congress said you can't count the  ˛Out of Work ˇ as the
unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO:   BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!
ABBOTT:   No, you miss  the point.
COSTELLO:   What point?
ABBOTT:   Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who
look for work. It wouldn't be fair.
COSTELLO:   To whom?
ABBOTT:   The unemployed.
COSTELLO:   But ALL of them are out of work.
ABBOTT:   No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are
out of work gave up looking, and if you give up, you are no longer in the
ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO:   So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as
less unemployment?
ABBOTT:   Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO:   The unemployment just goes down because you don ˙t look for
work?
ABBOTT:   Absolutely it goes  down. That ˙s how it gets to 5.6%. Otherwise
it would be 23%.   COSTELLO:   Wait, I got  question for you. That means
there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT:   Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO:   Unemployment can go down if someone gets  job?
ABBOTT:   Correct.
COSTELLO:   And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for  job?
ABBOTT:   Bingo.
COSTELLO:   So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the
easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.
ABBOTT:  Now you're thinking like an economist.
COSTELLO:   I don ˙t even know what  I just said!
ABBOTT:  Now you're thinking like  politician.

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From: Sack
Subject:  parking with as*holes
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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 From: Sack
 Subject:  HAL & AL'S Seventy Two VIRGINS
 Click here

The  attachment is the label on   Baross  sparkling wine called "Hal  &
Al's Seventy Two Virgins"  Read  the label fine print "Notice to 
Consumers"
This  has got to be the most brilliant piece of marketing I've ever  seen!!
Was  available through the Q Society of Australi  Inc....but currently 
sold out.

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 From: Sack
 Subject:   NEW TIRES ON THE WAY
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

 No more Fix-a-flat, no more air compressors, no more spare tires,  no more
auto jacks,  no more tools rattling in the trunk.

 Will it reduce the price of cars?  Will it reduce the cost of roadside
service? Will some  businesses go out of  business?

 Coming  soon!

 They have been testing these for several years now.

 Resilient Tech was developing them for the military.


 MICHELIN WILL PUT THEM ON ALL OUR  CARS SOON.

 Amazing new tires ...
 Michelin Tires ... Absolutely SCARY looking ...
 Look for 'em in August.
 These tires are made in South Carolina,  USA.

 SEE THROUGH TIRES
 Radical new tire design by Michelin.
 The next generation of tires.
 They had   pair at the Philadelphia  car show.

 Yes, those are 'spoke' like connections to the inner part of the tire from
the outside tread 'wrap!' The next picture shows how odd it looks in motion ...

 Makes you wonder how the ride feels doesn't it?

 These tires are airless and are scheduled to be out on the market very
soon.
 The bad news for law enforcement is that spike strips will not work on
these.
 Just think of the impact on existing technology:
 A.  No more air valves ..
 B.  No more air compressors at gas stations ...
 C.  No more repair kits ...
 D.  No more flats ...

 These are actual pictures taken at the South Carolin  plant of Michelin.

 THE FIRST MAJOR CHANGE IN TIRES SINCE  BICYCLES.

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From: Sack
 Subject: Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield. . .
 Click here

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get
my kite in the air?" He told me to run off   cliff.

I went to   massage parlor. It was self-service.

My wife only has s*x with me for   purpose. Last night she
used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the
lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing  
s*xy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody
home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a  headache.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no s*x life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said,
'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?'
She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew   girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure s*x
offenders.

My wife is such   bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the
kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested
for mooning.

The other day I came home and   guy was jogging, naked. I
asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such   bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not s*xy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such   bad cook, in my house we pray after the
meal.

My wife likes to talk to me during s*x; last night she called
me from   hotel.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born   boy, I
wouldn't have had anything to play with.

It's been   rough day. I got up this morning and put   shirt
on and   button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came
off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat
kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were   toaster
and radio.

I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me.
She told me that she only liked me as   friend.

I'm so ugly my father carried around   picture of the kid that
came with his wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and
said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled
through anyway."

I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent   piece
of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw   policeman, and asked him to help
me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He
said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join   bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly, I once worked in   pet shop, and people kept
asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up
and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He
said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed   bottle of
sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have   few drinks and get some rest.

Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he
leaves   pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the
paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

One year they wanted to make me   poster boy -- for birth
control.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he
was in the electric chair.

THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD

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 From: Sack
 Subject:  : Friday Funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Fw: Lovely photos with unique colors
 Click here


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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Fw: Nature: National-Geographic-Best Photos-2013-2014
 Click here

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 From: Wally
Subject: Ducks on Frozen Stream
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: 3 Corporate Lessons
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Feliks Zemdegs
 Click here Click here

Feliks Zemdegs is   20yo, from Melbourne, Australian, who currently holds,
or has held, every World Record associated with Rubik ˙s Cube. In the
following areas: 2x2, 3x3, 4x4, 5x5, 6x6, and 7x7, and Divisions: Standard,
One Handed (Primary), One Handed (Non-Primary), Blindfolded, Behind Back,
and Under Water. He started solving Rubik ˙s Cube, when he was only 13
years old, in 2008.

This video was taken on Tuesday (28th July), when he broke his own 7x7
World Record, in an impressive 2:23.55 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: US  will Never give up Guns
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Mig-29 Vertical Take Off
 Click here

Gallipoli  „ Then & Now (Touch & Slide)
 Click here

World Record Semi-Trailer Jump
 Click here

Baby Hummingbird
 Click here

True Blue Australia
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: 10 X Future Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Wally  
Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Brave Women
 Click here

Colour Changing Bra
 Click here

Waves
 Click here

Bridge over Troubled Water (Simon & Garfunkel)
 Click here

11 X Useful Websites
 Click here

10 X Darwin Award Winners
 Click here

Patrici  McCormick (Lady Bull-Fighter)
 Click here

Only in Dubai
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Wally
Subject: Dean Martin & Foster Brooks
 Click here

Airline Pilot -
 Click here

Frontier Doctor -
 Click here

Dentist -
 Click here

Brain Surgeon -
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Subject: Special
 Click here

On Sale at Woolies this week

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[ End friday humour ]

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