Friday humour - July 31, 2015


The brilliant Friday Humour contributions this week manifest from Billy
Bunter of Adelaide, Burnout, Duke of Barsinov, Haz, Sack, Seasoldier,
Wally, Whizzbang and Anon3.

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The Heroic Bomb-Sniffing Rats Of Africa That Are Helping Save Thousands ...

Throughout the world, places that have been involved in war and/or civil
strife often have large minefields that still need clearing. In 2013, it
was estimated that there was a global average of around nine mine-related
deaths every day. The situation is especially dire in Africa .
Typically, clearing a minefield involves men in body armor walking in very
precise lines with metal detectors. Anything (from a rusty nail to an old
ammo cartridge) that sets the detectors off must be investigated before
moving on. A new method of bomb detection using rats, however, is flipping
this process on its head.

APOPO has developed a way to train African pouched rats (named for the
storage pouch in their cheeks) to sniff out bombs quickly and safely.  
 Click here

They used this rat because it has an incredibly fine-tuned sense of smell
and a long lifespan (8-9 years) to yield returns on the nine months of
training they undergo.
 Click here

They're called HeroRats, and not one has died in the line of duty since the
program started in 1997.
 Click here

The average mine requires 5 kg (roughly 11 pounds) of weight to trigger an
explosion, but even the biggest of these rats are only around 1.5 kg (3.3
pounds).
 Click here

Since they're trained to sniff out explosives exclusively, they aren't
distracted by other metal objects the way human minesweepers are.
 Click here

They can effectively search 200 square meters in less than 20 minutes.
 Click here

A team of humans would need around 25 hours to do the same job.
 Click here

Since they're in the African sun a lot, the HeroRats get sunscreen to keep
them cancer free.
 Click here

If a rat does get cancer, it receives full medical treatment
 Click here

The rats are "paid" in avocados, peanuts, bananas and other yummy, healthy
treats.
 Click here

After about 4-5 years on the job (or whenever they lose interest in
working), they're allowed to retire.
 Click here

Retirement consists of eating all the tasty fruit their little hero heart's
desire.
 Click here

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Corporal Voytek....Ursine Hero of WW-II
 Click here

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A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, " Which book has
helped you most in your life?"�

The woman replied, "My husband's cheque book !!"�

A prospective husband in a book store asked, "Do you have a book called,
'Husband: the Master of the House'?"
Sales Girl : "Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!"

Someone asked an old man : "Even after 70 years, you still call your wife '
Darling, Honey, Luv.' What's the secret?"
Old man :  "I forgot her name and I'm scared to ask her."

Wife : I wish I was a newspaper, so I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband : I  wish that too, so I could have a new one every day!

Husband to wife: "Today is a fine day." Next day he repeats : "Today is a
fine day."  Again, the next day he says the same thing. Finally after a
week, the wife couldn't take it anymore and asks: "For the last week, you
have said. 'Today is a fine day'. I am fed up. What's the matter?"
Husband : "Last week, when we had an argument, you said, 'I will leave you
one fine day.'  I was trying to remind you!"

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Marta recently lost her husband. She had him
Cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes,
she started talking to him....

You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance
money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the
ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too,
with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that
bl*w job I promised you?"

"Well here it comes."

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A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her
neighbour`s male dog while the neighbours were on holiday.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and
moaning sounds, she rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together,
in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs
mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it
was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call
you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection
and he will be able to withdraw.."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.

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Is honesty the best policy?

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family had to use
an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the
summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined
that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy
decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek.
He found a large stick and started pushing.
Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was
you, wasn't it son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in
school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't
get into trouble because he told the truth..."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the
cherry tree."

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Finally, a good gun story

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered  pistol and yelled,
"I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been
sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the bar called out, "You don't have enough ammo!"

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 Hello and welcome to a brand new edition of  'ASYLUM'.
  Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting
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  HIJACK AN AIRLINER
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Passport, and you only need one word of English...
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and accosting drivers at traffic lights.
  This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on
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Dating In The Old Days ...


      You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this....

      It was a hot Sat*rday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a
date with Peggy Sue.

      He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

      "Oh, come on in!", Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

      "So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?", she asked.

      "Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the
malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

      "Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

      "Is that so?", asked Fred, incredulous.

      "Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night
if we let her!"

      "Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about
alternate plans for the evening.

      "Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

      Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the
house and slammed the front door behind her.

      "The TWIST, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother.

      "THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!!

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The 10 Husbands

      A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

      On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle,
I'm still a virgin."

      "What??" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
married ten times?"

      "Well, Husband #1  was a sales representative: he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.

      Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

      Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

      Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the
order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

      Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.

      Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew
how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

      Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was
never sure how to position it.

      Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

      Husband #9 was a gynaecologist: all he did was look at it.

      Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was ... God! I
miss him!

      But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

      "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

      "Oh, you're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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Stunning computer animation...So weird you can't stop watching it!
 Click here

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Este desempenho é feito por 38 estudantes de s*xo masculinos e

34 estudantes do s*xo feminino (72) do Japão, da Universidade do Atleta.

 Como podem ver, o desempenho é incrível.

 Não precisa saber japonês para entender o vídeo.
 Click here

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 Two Chinese Girls Feeding an Elephant --- Turn Sound on!
 Click here

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YouTube video! F#*k Off (caution)
 Click here

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And here's one for the Animal Lovers!!!
 Click here

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 Who says Scots are tight !?! (caution)
 Click here Click here

A Scottish Soldier, in  full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy in  the
city of Edinburgh.

Very carefully he opens his  sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton 
bandanna. He unfolds the bandanna to  reveal a smaller square silk 
handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a  condom!

 The condom has a number of  rubber repair patches adhering to it.

 The chemist holds the condom up  to the light and eyes it critically.

 With a straight and serious face  the soldier asks the chemist, "How much
to repair it?"

 "Six pence" says the chemist.

 "How much for a new one?" asks the  soldier.

 "Ten pence" says the Chemist.

 The Scottish Soldier  painstakingly folds the condom into  the small
square silk  handkerchief and the cotton bandanna and  replaces it
carefully in his sporran. He smartly turns and  marches out of the door,
shoulders back and kilt swinging.

 A moment or two later the chemist hears a great roar of cheering male
voices go up outside.

 The Scottish soldier marches back into the pharmacy and addresses the 
Chemist, but this time he has a grin on his face.

 "The regiment has taken a vote,"  he says, "we'll have a new one."

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Greek ATM
 Click here

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Einstein developed this remarkable theory:

Energy = Mass x Speed of Light squared.......

A brilliant genius as we all know.

A lesser known application of Einstein's formula determined:  If you were
to strip naked and run around in a circle at the speed of 298 KM/sec (the
speed of light) it could be possible for you to sodomize yourself!

Should you determine that you are not physically capable  of achieving that
speed at your age, you can easily achieve the same result by voting ALP in
the 2016 election.

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Granddad

                        A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather
and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child
screaming
                        for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The
granddad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long
. . . easy boy."
                        Another outburst and she hears the granddad calmly
say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of
here. Hang
                        in there, boy." At the checkout the little horror
is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled
voice : "William,
                        William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be
home in five minutes, stay cool William." Very impressed, she goes outside
to where the
                        grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy
into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in
there. I don't
                        know how you did it. That whole time you kept your
composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly
kept
                        saying things would be okay. William is very lucky
to have you as his granddad." "Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am
William. The
                        little bastard's name is Kevin.

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Who Invented the ATM?  The ATM Inventors, and the Facts:

Luther George Simjian

In the late 1930's, Luther George Simjian started building an earlier and
not-so-successful version of an ATM. He did register related patents. He
initially came up with the idea of creating a "hole-in-the-wall machine."
It would allow customers to make financial transactions, without entering
the bank. The idea was met with a great deal of doubt. Starting in 1939,
Simjian registered 20 patents related to the device and persuaded what is
now Citicorp to give it a trial. After six months, the bank reported that
there was little demand. Today, as you know, there is a huge demand!

John Shepherd-Barron

John Shepherd-Barron had an idea in the 1960's for a 24/7 cash dispenser.
He was managing director of De La Rue Instruments. De La Rue today
manufactures cash dispensers. There is a De La Rue cash dispenser in 1 out
of every 5 ATM machines built. If you want to say that Shepherd-Barron
invented the ATM, then the world's first ATM was installed outside North
London. It was installed in a branch of Barclays Bank in 1967. Later that
year, Shepherd-Barron presented his idea to a conference. The conference
consisted of 2,000 US bankers in Miami, this was after the first ATMs had
been installed in England. He spoke to the conference about the new
self-service banking device he developed. On December 31, 2004, John
Shepherd-Barron, was named an OBE, Officer of the Order of the British
Empire by the Queen. It was for "services to banking." Shepherd Barron
said: "It was a bit late, but better late than never." Press releases
stated that Shepherd-Barron was the "Inventor of the ATM." But, was he
really the inventor?
Sadly, John Shepherd-Barron passed away, in May of 2010, in Scotland.

James Goodfellow

As a Development engineer with Smiths Industries Ltd, James Goodfellow was
given a project. It was to develop an automatic cash dispenser in 1965.
Chubb Lock & Safe Co. were to provide the secure physical housing. They
were also to develop a mechanical dispenser mechanism. Mr. Goodfellow
designed the new system. It consisted of a machine readable encrypted card,
and the machine that read it. To this he added a numerical keypad. UK
Patent No.1,197,183 with a priority date of May 2 1966, covers this
invention. It is also covered by US Patent No.3,905,461 and Patents granted
by many other countries. These Patents list James Goodfellow as inventor,
along with the late A.I.O.Davies, the company General Manager. This US
Patent still describes the basic ATM function almost 40 years later. These
Machines were marketed by Chubb LTD. They were installed nationwide in the
UK during the late 60s and early 70s. You can read "Who Invented the ATM?
Part 2 here: ATM inventor James Goodfellow's story on ATMmachine.com. "
Thanks goes out to Mr. Goodfellow for giving us his permission.

Don Wetzel

In 1968, according to a NMAH interview, Don Wetzel, says he was the Vice
President of Product Planning at Docutel. The company that developed
automated baggage-handling equipment. He applied for a patent on an ATM
machine. He said there were two other inventors listed on the patent. They
were Tom Barnes, a mechanical engineer. George Chastain, an electrical
engineer. It took five million dollars to develop their ATM according to
Mr. Wetzel. If you want say that Wetzel and company invented the ATM, then
you might want to read the next paragraph.

John D. White

John D. White told ATMmachine.com that his work started in 1968. He told us
that he installed the first ATM at Rockville Centre, LI for the then
Chemical Bank in August 1973. His design was patented on May 9, 1973 for
the Docutel Corporation and was filed on July 29, 1970. The machine was a
"Credit Card Automatic Currency Dispenser". Mr. White provided copies of
his patent to ATMmachine.com. We reviewed them. It does indeed state that
the inventor of the machine was John D. White and Kenneth Goldstein. The
assignee on the patent was the Docutel Corporation. This is very convincing
evidence. It appears that it was White and not Wetzel who received the
patent. There is also a statement in the patent that supports the idea of
the modern ATM.  "Both the original code and the updated code are scrambled
in accordance with a changing key", which is what happens today. ATM's are
programmed with security keys and the code changes. Today they must be 3DES
certified. It is encrypted ( scrambled) to prevent fraudulent access to
credit card and ATM debit numbers. This occurs between the machine, the
bank, and the network processor. In the form of data transmissions. We
would like to thank Mr. White for contacting us. And for sharing all of the
doc*mentation. The patent drawings he gave us look very much like the free
standing ATM that is sold on ATMmachine.com today.

Jairus Larson

Jairus Larson told ATMmachine.com he did not invent the ATM. But, as far as
he is aware, he developed the first 'on-line' ATM. This would be Diebold's
"550". The first ATM's were all 'off-line' versions (referred to in the
past as 'stand-alone'). Meaning they did not have any means to communicate
with the bank network. Today's ATMs are "on-line". On-line in the sense
that they communicate with the bank's computer system. Mr. Larson was kind
enough to give us his account of how this happened in the early 1970's.


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20 Bright & Beautiful Birds
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 Click here Click here

There are estimated to be 10,000 species of birds in the world and nature
has blessed some with the most incredible, colourful plumage. From bright
blues to radiant reds and gorgeous greens, it is hard to believe that these
birds are real and not the invention of a fine painter. So enjoy our photos
of the most beautiful birds in the world.

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One in the Hole (caution)

"In the early years the stools were relatively hard but they've changed.
Perhaps he's been taking laxatives or maybe he doesn't have the best diet."

The club even set up all night flood lights to deter the phantom defecator,
but they were mysteriously disabled soon after. Another groundskeeper,
Frode Jormeland, said: "He climbed up a tree next to the lights and
wriggled far out on a branch and dismantled the spotlights. How he managed
the feat without electrocuting himself or falling is a riddle."

The club's manager, Steinar Floisvik, said: "Our idea is that it could be
someone who, for unknown reasons, hates the game of golf. Alternatively,
the person may have a fetish or suffer from mental problems."

"All we know is, this man is very resourceful."

Groundskeepers at Stavanger Golf Club in south-west Norway, are plagued
with a perplexing problem, someone is defecating all over their course, and
leaving no trace except large poos, and a trail of minor disruption.

Even stranger, the mystery pooper has been using the green as a toilet, for
almost ten years.

Kenneth Tennfjord, who maintains the green at the club, told Norwegian
newspaper Rogalands Avis: "He has a couple of favourite holes, and we know
it is a man, because the poos are too massive to be from a woman."

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Magnificent full 360deg Views of Rio de Janerio
 Click here

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10 Police Cars & A Piece of Chicken

The wedding of Ben Smethurst, 26, and Karyssa Smethurst, 28, ended in
disaster, after the bride's uncle, and the groom's brother started a fight
that got out of hand, over a piece of chicken . The bride's sister was left
with a broken nose, while her parents and other guests, were hurt in a
fight

The wedding of the bride, who is eight months pregnant, and the groom took
place at the Caldecott Hall hotel in Fritton near Great Yarmouth, Norfolk,
England.

The fight started when best man Danny Smethurst, 30, cut in front of the
food line, to get a piece of chicken for his son. This upset the bride's
uncle. Curt Hughes, 53, started arguing with the best man about cutting the
line. The groom said the fight began at the buffet table after his brother
came to get a piece of chicken for his 11-year-old son.

"Curt thought he was pushing in line and cursed him. My brother told him
there was no need to use that kind of language,"  the groom said. The two
got into a shouting match, and other wedding guests got involved. The
bride's mother then took her brother, Hughes, out to the parking lot.
Wedding guests then fought in the parking lot, outside the reception.

During the fight, the uncle punched the bride's sister, knocking her
unconscious, and gave her black eyes. Krystel Coleman, 29, was left with a
broken nose, and two black eyes after her uncle Hughes, punched her in the
face. Ten Police Vehicles, with 24 officers, had to be sent to the wedding
hall.

The mother of the bride, Liza Coleman, 47, was knocked to the ground during
the fight. The bride's father, Kevin Coleman, 52, was also punched by the
uncle, when he tried to get things under control.

Hughes was arrested at the scene, and was charged with assault. He was
later released on bail.


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32 X Plane Photos
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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

World Record 100kph .. 1.779sec
 Click here

2015 World Champion Reining Horse
 Click here

2015 Dubai World Record Eagle Flight
 Click here

7 Minute Miracle (Japanese Train Cleaners)
 Click here

What is the World's Deadliest Animal?
 Click here

Watch a Motorbike Engine Disintegrate one Millimetre at a Time
 Click here

World's 10 Most Expensive Flowers
 Click here

Panama Canal Accident
 Click here

Russians decide on a Suntan
 Click here

Australian Building Demolition (Gone Wrong)
 Click here

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Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Shin Lim (Unbelievable Card Tricks)
 Click here

Say a Few Words Tomi (Newsreader)
 Click here

Monica Lewinsky Speaks Out
 Click here

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Greek Facts

 Click here

Before we get too teary eyed about Greece, some Interesting Greek facts.


Whilst going through the Greek books before the bailouts, European monitors
discovered the following amazing facts.

Greece has the highest proportion of people retiring in their 50's in "the
Eurozone."  This includes 600 classes of workers in hazardous occupations.
e.g. Hairdressers (Peroxide Use), Musicians (Noise), Train Drivers (Motion
Sickness), Transport Drivers (Fuel Fumes), Bankers (Stress), and TV
presenters (Heat from Lights) etc.

Usually Greek pensions are 96% of their last salary. (Germans receive
��40% on average).

Greece has the highest number of fictitious people in the world, with an
​ age of 120 or more! Deaths go undeclared, so pensions are still being
paid to people who died, in some cases over 60 years ago. Some families are
drawing 4 or 5 pensions for relations, who have passed on!

Greek public employment is huge. It is not unusual to find 45 gardeners for
small state gardens, and the number of chauffeurs average 50, for each
official vehicle.

25% of Greeks do not pay any taxes on private income.

Over 35% of employed Greeks, are government employees.

Greece has four times the number of teachers that Finland has, yet Finland
tops the league of EU education tables, whilst Greece is at the bottom.
Greek teachers are also the better paid of the two.

The Greek average wage for railway workers, including cleaners, is
€66,000. Greek railways cost half a billion Euros to run per year. It is
estimated that private, individual taxis would prove less expensive!

Fictitious jobs with no purpose are common. An excellent example of the 300
plus institutions, is the Institute for the conservation of the Kopias
Lake, which employs 1,763 people. The lake that has been drained since
1930!

The Greeks seem to produce little, have limited educational skills, do not
do much of anything, retire at an early age, and reap pension benefits from
their dearly departed. Despite this, they have outwitted the European
bureaucrats for the past 10 years, and recently wreaked havoc in the World
currency markets. Thank goodness there are only 10 million of them!

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Can You Spot the Snow Leopards?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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You Tube Complaints Department

 Click here

2012 - 
 Click here

2013 - 
 Click here

2014 -
 Click here

2015 -
 Click here

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Top 10 Virginities For Sale (caution)

 Click here

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Don't muck around with the farmer's daughter (caution)

 Click here


                                Every so often, people think their luck
just couldn't get any worse, and they go around feeling sorry for
themselves.

                                They think everyone else's life is problem
free, and so much better than theirs.

                                Those are the times to look around at other
people's misfortunes, and suddenly, your life doesn't look so bad after
all.

                                Next time you think you're having one of
those bad days, and things just couldn't get any worse, I want you to think
of this guy!

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Bible Bashers Be gone
 Click here

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THE TREE TRUNK

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


                            From: one tree, four years of work and an
indescribable amount of talent: that's what it took to create this
incredible masterpiece.

                            A famous Chinese wood carver chopped down a
single tree and tirelessly worked on it for over four years to make this
piece. It all started out with a simple tree trunk!


                            The carving is based on the famous Chinese
painting  "Along the River During the Qingming Festival."� The original
artwork was created over 1,000 years ago.


                            The piece won the Guinness World Record for the
longest wooden carving and measures over 40ft (specifically, it is 12.286
meters long, is 3.075 meters tall at it highest point, and is also 2.401
meters wide).


                            The intricate carvings of daily life in ancient
China are so detailed and perfect, they could drop your jaw.


                            It's no surprise that this incredible work of
art is drawing so much attention. It's amazing, but not just because it's
so big, but also because it's so incredibly detailed.


                            That was 8,760 hours well spent.

                            Share this awesome work with others.

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Doctor (caution)

 Click here

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Four Weddings and a Funeral

It didn't take long ... there are clever people around

 Click here

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New Technology

THIS IS GREAT!!!

 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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