Friday humour - July 24, 2015

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

From: Arfermo
Subject: Dead or alive?
 Click here

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Problem? What problem.

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, Orders three pints of Guinness & sits
in the corner of the room,
Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.  When he had finished all three,
He went back to the bar & ordered three more.
The barman says,"You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it
Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in  America  ; & de
odder in  Australia  ;  & here I am in  Dublin  ..
When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de
days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way .......
Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are
finished.
One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round,
The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your great loss."
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to
laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!
Tis me ................. I've Quit Drinking!"


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From: KRP
Subject: Camelburger & Fries
 Click here

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From: Wally
Subject: Water Skiing in Church

In Church there is a family that has recently been baptized. After a month
of being new members the Bishop calls them in separately to see how they
are doing. During an interview with the father, the bishop asks,
"Will you give a talk next Sunday in Church?”"
The new convert replies, “"Sure, but what would you like me to give my
talk on?”"
"On anything you feel that would be beneficial to the congregation, like
past experiences and such that have changed your life in a positive
way.”"
So he goes home and immediately starts thinking about what he would like to
speak on. One night as he is working on his talk his wife comes up to him
and asks,
“So honey, what are you going to give your talk on?”" “Well, after
much thought, I have decided to give a talk on water skiing.”"
"Water skiing! What? This is Church we are talking about; you can’t give
a talk on water skiing. It would be indecent!”"
"The Bishop said I can give a talk on anything I wanted to and I want to
give it on water skiing!”"
Her husband is known to be a big joker so she shrugs it off not worrying
about it for the time being. As Sunday comes though, she starts to get
nervous and can’t take it any longer. When they arrive at the church
parking lot she says to him,
"Alright sweetheart, the jokes over. What are you really going to give your
talk on?”" “I was being serious; I really am going to give a talk on
water skiing!”"
His wife responds, “"Well, if that’s the way you are going to be, me
and the kids do not want to be embarrassed by this, so we will wait out
here in the car while you give your talk!”"
"FINE, be that way!”" He replies.

So he goes into Church while his family stays in the car. As he sits down
and waits for his turn to speak, he thinks it over and realizes that his
wife is probably right. Talking about water skiing in Church? What was he
thinking?!! So he goes to his backup plan. He gives a talk on adultery.
After he gives his talk and the session ends he goes back to the parking
lot to get his wife and kids and to apologize for the way he acted. But
before he could say anything to them the Bishop comes up, turns to his wife
and remarks:

"Your husband gave one of the best talks in Church. I mean there wasn’'t
a dry eye in the room after he finished!”"
The wife stared at the Bishop incredulously. "“You must be joking! He's
only done it twice. Once with my mother and once with my sister, and
couldn'’t stay up either time!!”"

Subject: A Man's Perfect Day

6:00 Cool breeze & warm light slowly wakes you

6:10 Read the sports section of the Herald Sun in toilet.

6:15 Notice front page of Sun: Jackie Lambie on life support after date
with well hung male.
6:30 Shampoo, shower, shave
7:00 Breakfast - bacon and poached eggs, coffee and toast - all cooked by
naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Couple of ice-cold Fosters en route to the airport
8:00 Flight in personal Gulfstream jet - finest single malt Scotch served
in Waterford crystal snifter by green-eyed redhead with big tits
9:30 Limo to Royal Melbourne Golf Club 9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch - steak and lobster, couple of ice-cold Fosters and bottle of
vintage Dom Pérignon (1953)
12:20 Breaking News:  Kevin Rudd discovered to be on Malaysia flight 370
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several Fosters)
2:30 Fly to Gold Coast
2:40 News Flash: Julia Gillard’s plane shot down over Syria,
apprehended by IS
4:00 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who
also bend over a lot
4:15 News flash: Clive Palmer electrocuted while demonstrating animated
dinosaur. Front-end loader called to remove both.
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage by naked Elle Macpherson with happy ending
6:45 Shower, shave and shine
6:55 News Flash: Christine Milne announced as Australia’s 1st Ebola
victim
7:00 Watch news – Bill Shorten & Anna Bligh assassinated while
making out together.
7:30 Dinner - lobster appetisers, Dom Pérignon (1953), big juicy fillet
steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:40 News Flash: Green’s member Adam Bandt and entourage missing
after speaking engagement in Tasmania
11:00 Massage and jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing Foster
11:30 Night cap
11:35 Tanya Plibasek resigns
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to
leave the room
11:51 Laughed myself to sleep...can't wait for tomorrow .

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Subject: Job Interview
Jennifer, a manager at a local Woolworths store, had the task of hiring
someone to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes, she found four men who were
equally qualified.
Jennifer decided to call the four in, and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job
The day came, and as the four sat around the conference room table,
Jennifer asked Steven first, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?
'Steven replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no
warning.
'That's very good, Steven,' replied Jennifer. She then asked, the second
man, Bill.
'Hmmm ... let me see, said Bill. 'A BLINK! It comes and goes, and you don't
know that it ever happened.
A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.
''Excellent, Bill,' said Jennifer, 'The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular word for speed.â€
She then turned to Dave, the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house, and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.'
Jennifer was very impressed with Dave’s answer, and thought she had
found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.
Turning to Ralph, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same
question.
Old Ralph replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious
to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.
''WHAT?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said Ralph. 'You see, the other day I had a rotten pain in the
guts, so I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN
ON THE LIGHT, I sh*t meself!!
Ralph is now working at a Woolworths near you.

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: The Chemist

Arriving home, a husband was met by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she
explained, "The Chemist. He insulted me this morning on the phone. I
had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

The husband drove down to confront the Chemist to demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist said "Now, just
a minute... Mate, hear my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to
go off, so I was late. Without breakfast I hurried out to the car to
realise I'd locked the house with house and car keys inside. I Had to
break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a
speeding ticket about three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me
to open up. I started waiting on these people, all the time the damn
phone never stopped ringing. Then I had to break open a bag of one and
two dollar coins against the cash register drawer to give change and
they spilled all over the floor I had to get down on my hands and knees
to pick up the dollar coins and the phone was still ringing. When I
came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger
back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes on it. Half
of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing
with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She
wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mate,
as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

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Subject: We was brung up proper!!

"And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993"!!!

ONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930's,40's, 50's,
and 60's
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank Sherry
while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos...
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, bread and dripping, raw egg products,
loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested
for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured
lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when
we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we
took hitchhiking..
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds ,
KFC, Subway or Nandos.
 Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on a Sunday,
somehow we didn't starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE
actually died from this.
 We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store
and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers and Bubble Gum.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter, milk from the cow, and drank
soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because.......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O..K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses
and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at
all, no 999 channels on SKY ,
no video/dvd films, or colour TV no mobile phones, no personal computers,
no Internet or Internet chat rooms...........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went
outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us
forever.

We caught tadpoles in not so clean streams and  cicadas - yellow mondays,
cherrynoses, black princes, greengrocers, double drummers, red eyes.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time....

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang
the bell, or just yelled for them!
 Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn't
need to keep up with the Jones's!

Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn't
had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the
team was based on MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the
blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren't concentrating ....
We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations
because of a good, solid three R's education.
Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

 Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and
'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL !

And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!

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From: Billy Bunter of Adelaide
Subject: FW: Gotta love the Irish

You've gotta love the Irish !!

A Jock and Murphy go into a pastry shop.Jock whisks three cookies into his
pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't even notice.
Jock says to Murphy, "You see how clever we are? ...
You Paddies can never beat that!â€

Murphy says to Jock, "Watch dis, any Paddy is smarter din you, and I'll
prove it to ya.â€

He says to the; baker, "Gimme a cookie, I'll show ya a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie, which he promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker, "Gimme anudder cookie for me magic trick." The
baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him.
He eats this one too.

Then he says again, "Gimme one more cookie..."
The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. He eats this one
too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells,
"OK... And now where is your famous magic trick?"
Murphy says....

" Now look in the Jocks pocket!"

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From: Clooney's Twin
Subject: What a tosser
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Fw: Planes in trouble - pictures.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

If you ignore the 'air traffic control' quotes, don't miss the final
picture below them. The picture of the plane in slices is, presumably, the
result of contact with a prop?And do you ever fly American Airlines? These
may make you think twice!!

=========================

"TWA 2341,  for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"Center, we are  at 35,000 feet . How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir,  have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

=========================

O'Hare Approach  Control to a 747:
"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a  Fokker, one o'clock , three miles,
Eastbound."
United 239:  "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the 
little Fokker in  sight."

=========================

A DC-10 had  come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long
roll  out after touching down.
San Jose       Tower  Noted: "American 751, make a hard right
turn at  the end of the runway, if you are able.Â
If  you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101,  make a
right at the lights and return to the  airport."

=========================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich  overheard the
following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English.
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
you lost the bloody war."

=========================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed,  rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the
Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got  on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make  it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let  the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I made it out  of DC-8 parts.
Another landing like yours and I'll have  enough parts for another  one."

==========================

While taxiing  at London 's Gatwick Airport , the  crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727.
An irate female  ATC ground controller lashed out at the USÂAir crew,
screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I  told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned  right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for  you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it 
right!"Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she  was now shouting
hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed  everything up!  It'll take forever to sort this
out! You  stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can  expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell  you, and how tell
you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
c*ckpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an
unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking,"Wasn't I
married to you once?"  |

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Traction control or putting them down like ready money!!
 Click here

The UK Border Agency is asking citizens  to keep on the lookout for a red
1951 Chevy that  they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal  immigrants
from Calais to Dover, through the Channel Tunnel.

 If you see the vehicle, pictured below, you are  urged to contact your
local police.

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From: Wally
Subject: Links & Photos

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here
:
Links & Photos

Samsung Safety (Brilliant, should be on every car & truck)

 Click here

Futurama Voices (Only 8 Actors did 200 Voices)

 Click here

Cubrick Cabinet

 Click here

Subject: Bedourie - Anzac Day 2015

 Click here

 Click here

(Bedourie is near where the Queensland, Northern Territory, and South
Australian borders meet)

Subject: Links & Photos

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Links & Photos

I Believe
 Click here

2014 Budapest Air Show (Oldie, but a Goodie)
 Click here

The Death of Bees
 Click here

Electric Planes
 Click here

How to Prevent a Smartphone Explosion
 Click here

World’s Best Train Rides
 Click here

Stupid Laws
 Click here

Conflict Kitchen
 Click here

World’s 1st BMX Quad Backflip
 Click here

Swiss Secret Bunkers (Takes a while to open)

 Click here

Cessna 172 Crash Test
 Click here

2015 National Geographic Best Drone Photography
 Click here

London Air Traffic (14th July 2015)
 Click here

F-18C Breaks Sound Barrier over Aircraft Carrier
 Click here

Live Stream Roundabout in Netherlands (their time at top)
 Click here

Dictionary of British English
 Click here

Subject: Images that prove that we are in Danger
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Subject: Fun Facts
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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Subject: A Can of Paint

Three couples went to visit the minister to see how to become members of
his church. The minister said that they would have to go without s*x for
two months and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged, and the
final couple was newlyweds.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired
couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was a
bit tough the first month but then it was not a problem. The newlyweds said
it was fine until the woman dropped a can of paint.

"A can of PAINT??!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed husband. "She dropped the can, and when she bent
over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust just took
over."

The minister just shook his head, and said that they were not welcome in
the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome at Bunnings, either."

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Fred, a lifelong white racist living in the Western Suburbs of Sydney, is
in a major car crash.

When he comes round 3 days later in hospital, the surgeon says:  "I've got
good news, and bad news
The bad news is you have had 2 litres of African blood, and 2 litres of
Muslim blood".

Fred screams "What the hell is the good news then?"

"Your penis is 6" longer, and you are top of the housing list."

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Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Here Today Gone Tomorrow
 Click here

Elizabeth Gadd (22yo Photographer)
 Click here

25 X Full-Length Doc*mentaries
 Click here

Ajanta Caves in India
 Click here

WaterCar Panther (World's Fastest Amphibious Car)
 Click here

Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Blue Angels fly over Pensacola Beach
 Click here

12 X Automation (Fun watching these)
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:   knows
 Click here

Subject: Snow man watch to end
 Click here

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Quote of the Week:

“ Never trust a Husband too far, nor a Bachelor too near.”

– Helen ROWLAND.

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[ End friday humour ]

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