Friday humour - July 03, 2015

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:
From: Arfermo
Subject: 10 Amazing Things You Probably Didn't Know About Australia
? - 84% of Australia's mammals are unique to the country.
? -If you visited one new beach in Australia every day, it would take over
27 years to see them all.
? - The Great Barrier Reef is the world's largest living structure, and
it even has its own postbox!
⛄ - The Australian Alps receive more snowfall than Switzerland.
? - Around 160,000 vehicles cross the Sydney Harbour Bridge every single
day.
?- More than 85% of Australians live within 50km of the coast.
? - Cape Grim in Tasmania has the cleanest air in the world.
? - Of the 828 bird species listed in Australia, about half are found
nowhere else.
? - The "selfie" is an Australian invention.
? - Over 50% of the world's whales, dolphins and porpoises are found in
Australian waters.

There you have it.

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 Subject: 'Pee-Buddy' helps women in India avoid dirty toilets
 Click here
Demo available.

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From: Burnout
Subject: Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

*A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an
earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow,
and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"The man walks up
to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings.""Don't make such a
big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls
silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how
long have you been wearing one?""Ever since my wife found it in my
truck."(I always wondered how this trend got started.)*

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From: Digi Steve
Subject: Court humour

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court
reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were
taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you s*xually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

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From: Duke of Barsinov
Subject: Fw: Good Plan

Subject: Good Plan I'vedecided to disconnect my home alarm system, and
un-register from the Neighborhood Watch Programme.

As of yesterday, I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one
at each corner, and the black flag of ISIShanging from my garage door.

The Police, MI5, MI6, FBI, CIA, NASA, and USSecret
Service are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer, and I'm saving £54.95 a month.

I cannot believe I did not think of this before!

Subject: X47B plus Military Rules

The Rules for the U.S MilitaryMarine Corps   1.   Be courteous to everyone,
friendly to no one.
2.   Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3.   Have a plan.
4.   Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5.   Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6.   Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start
with a '4.'
7.   Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life
is expensive.
8.   Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and
diagonal preferred.)
9.   Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary. When possible, protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years, nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to
shoot..
Navy SEAL Rules:  1.  Look very cool in sunglasses.
2.  Kill every living thing in sight.
3.  Adjust Speedo.
4.  Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers' Rules:
1.  Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2.  Locate individuals requiring killing.
3.  Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4.  Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5.  Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules: 1.  Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2.  Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3.  Curse bitterly.
4.  Curse bitterly.
5.  Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6.  Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules: 1.  Have a c*cktail.
2.  Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3.  See what's on HBO.
4.  Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5.  Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point
presentation.
6.  Wine and dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD and defense industry
executives.
7.  Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8.  Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9.  Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.10.Make sure the base is as far as
possible from the conflict, but close enough to have tax exemption.
11. Always have ICE CREAM ( And I Love This Next One)
US Navy Rules: 1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
Go Navy!
And the next... (You've got to love the military, and God bless them all.) 
The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval
installations in the Middle East. (It was obviously directed at the
Marines.)
To:  All Commands
Subject:  Inappropriate T-Shirts  Ref:  ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24 K

All commanders promulgate upon receipt.
 The following T-shirts are no longer to  be worn, on or off base, by any
military, or civilian personnel, serving in the Middle East:
1. 'Eat Pork or Die'  [Both English and Arabic versions]2. 'Shrine Busters'
 [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic
shrines. Some with unit logos.]3. 'Goat  - it isn't just for breakfast
anymore.'  [Both English and Arabic versions]4. 'The road to Paradise
begins with me.' [Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show
sniper scope cross-hairs.]5. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.'   6.
'Pork. The other white meat.'  7. 'Infidel'
The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of
this directive.
 In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this
message:1.  'Islamic Religious Services will be held at the firing range at
0800 daily.'2.  'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb
bastards?'
All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.

Subject: I'll believe in The Prophet Muhammad

|   From now on, I'll believe in The Prophet Muhammad …   I decided to go
to the local Mosque for the first time, to see what it was all about.   I
sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:  
"By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will
walk today."   I told him I was not paralysed… I can walk.   He came back
and laid his hands on me and repeated "By the will of Allah the All Mighty,
and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today."   Once again, I told him
there is nothing wrong with me.   After the prayers, I stepped outside and
f*ck me... my car was gone!    |

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  Two Planes Fly Through a Hangar - Red Bull Barnstorming

Check out this video on YouTube:
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject:  Facts of life......
Thought 1

When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?

Thought 2

The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too where he is going.

Thought 3

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her
father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached
the altar and the waiting groom;  the bride kissed her father and placed
something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to
the father by the bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to
divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :

'Ladies and Gentlemen.  Today is the luckiest day of my life ...'Then he
raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued,  'My
daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me.'

The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . .  But not
the poor Groom ! ! !

And  now  the  Best  one. . . . .

Thought 4

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you
take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.'

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was
astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted,  'Stop ! Stand still !  If you take one more
step a car will run over you, and you will die.'

The man did as he was instructed,  just as a car came careening around the
corner, barely missing him. The man asked. 'Who are you?'

'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered.

'Oh, yeah?'  the man said 'And where the hell were you when I got married?

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From: Sack
Subject:   Albert Einstein Stories.
Charlie Chaplin with Albert Einstein.
Einstein said, "What I admire most about your art, is its
Universality. You do not say a word, and yet ... The world understands
You."
" It's true," replied Charlie Chaplin, "But your fame is even greater:
The world admires you, when nobody understands you."

  (1) One day during a speaking tour, Albert Einstein's driver,
  Who often sat at the back of the hall during his lectures, remarked
  That he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it so
  Many times. Sure enough, at the next stop on the tour, Einstein and
The driver switched places, with Einstein sitting at the back in his
Driver's' uniform. Having delivered a flawless lecture, the driver was
  Asked a difficult question by a member of the audience. "Well, the
  Answer to that question is quite simple," he casually replied. "I bet
  My driver, sitting up at the back there, could answer it!"

(2)  Albert Einstein's wife often suggested that he dress more
Professionally when he headed off to work. "Why should I?" he would
Invariably argue. "Everyone knows me there." When the time came for
Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress
Up a bit. "Why should I?" said Einstein. "No one knows me there!"

(3) Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory
  Of relativity. "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it
  Seems like an hour," he once declared. "Sit with a pretty girl for an
  Hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity!"

(4) When Albert Einstein was working in Princeton university, one
  Day he was going back home he forgot his home address. The driver of
  The cab did not recognize him. Einstein asked the driver if he knows
  Einstein's home. The driver said "Who does not know Einstein's
  Address? Everyone in Princeton knows.Do you want to meet him?.
  Einstein replied "I am Einstein. I forgot my home address, can you
  Take me there? "The driver reached him to his home and did not even
  Collect his fare from him.

(5) Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when
  The conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every
Passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest
Pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser
  Pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't
  Find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find
  It.

The conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who
You are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.' Einstein
Nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching
Tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and
Saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his
Seat for his ticket.
The conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't
Worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm
Sure you bought one.' Einstein looked at him and said, 'Young man, I
Too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going.'

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Quote of the Week:

"There is just one life for each of us: our own."

- Euripides

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[ End friday humour ]

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