Friday humour - June 26, 2015

Subject: CHINA'S NEWEST MALL: THE LARGEST 'SINGLE' BUILDING IN THE WORLD
holy toledo ...
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From: Arfermo
A Couple of These I Can't Do Anymore

Subject: It's tough to admit, but  there are a couple of these that I can't do any more...
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I bet you can do better?

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From: Burnout
Golf
Three ladies are playing the 4th hole at a members-only golf club, when a
naked man, wearing a balaclava over his head, leaps =66rom the bushes and
streaks across the green. The 3 ladies stare and are in shock at the size of his "manhood". The first lady glances at his
manhood and says,
"Well he's certainly not my husband." The second lady looks at his manhood and says,
"And he's not mine." The third lady takes a good look and says, "Why! He's not even a member of the club!"

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From: Mark
Naked tourists brought on earthquake.

One from Malaysia
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From: Nottingham Smithie
Home Depot Commercial.

MAY BE ONE OF THE GREATEST COMMERCIALS OF ALL TIME
 Click here

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THE AUSTRALIAN VIRGIN.....
A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is 
only willing to marry a man if he has never had s*x with another woman.
After several     unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take
out a personal ad........
She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer 
and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has had
no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she
feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up
getting married.On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to
prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new
husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture
from the room is piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says, "But if it's anything like a
kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!!!"...........

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From: Andy from Derby
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Shakespearean insult generator
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From: Sack
British Military Humour
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From: Sack
New U.S. Army Rifle!!! What next??
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The weapon has a range of roughly 7,800 feet - and is to be deployed in Afghanistan soon.
I would call it the "Equalizer."   Some call it the "Punisher".
The rifle's gun sight uses a laser range finder to determine the exact distance to
the obstruction, after which the soldier can add or subtract up to 10 meters from that
distance to enable the bullets to clear the barrier and explode above or beside the target.
Soldiers will be able to use them to target snipers hidden in trenches rather than calling in air strikes.
The 35-millimeter round contains a chip that receives a radio signal from the gun sight as to the
precise distance to the target.

Lt. Col. Christopher Lehner, project manager for the system, described the weapon as a
'game-changer' that other nations will try and copy.

The Army plans to buy 42,500 of the MXT135 rifles this year, enough for every member
of the infantry and special forces, at a cost of $11,900 each.

Lehner told Fox News: "With this weapon system, we take away cover from
[enemy targets] forever.  Tactics are going to have to be rewritten.
The only thing we can see [enemies] being able to do is run away."

Experts say the rifle means that enemy troops will no longer be safe if they take cover.

The MXT135 appears to be the perfect weapon for street-to-street fighting that troops
in Afghanistan have to engage in, with enemy fighters hiding behind walls and only
breaking cover to fire occasionally.

The weapon's laser finder would work out how far away the enemy was and then the

U.S. Soldier would add one meter using a button near the trigger.

When fired, the explosive round would carry exactly one meter past the wall and explode
with the force of a hand grenade above the Taliban fighter.

The army's project manager for new weapons, Douglas Tamilio, said: ''This is the first
leap-ahead technology for troops that we've been able to develop and deploy."

A patent granted to the bullet's maker, Alliant Tech systems, reveals that the chip
can determine how far it has traveled. Mr. Tamilio said: "You could shoot a Javelin 
missile, and it would cost about $69,000.

These rounds will end up costing $45 apiece."

They're relatively cheap.   Lehner added: "This is a game-changer.

The enemy has learned to get cover, for hundreds if not thousands of years.

Well, they can't do that anymore.   We're taking that cover from them and there's
only two outcomes: We're going to get you behind that cover or force you to flee."

The rifle will initially use high-explosive rounds, but its makers say that it might later
use versions with smaller explosive charges that aim to stun rather than kill.

This is what one of the revolutionary bullets looks like that can be pre-programmed
to explode to hit troops that are hiding.

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From: Wally
Strange Old Vehicles
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From: Wally
Links & Photos
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Links & Photos

Kevin James (Oldie, but a Goodie)
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228 X Weird Mug Shot Photo & Stories
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Asia=E2?Ts Got Talent (Trio Miss Tres)
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43 Sqn Spanish Air Force (The Firefighters)
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2014 Budapest Airshow
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Futuristic Inventions Available Now
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Air Force One
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From: Wally
Tax Return
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I just received an audit on my tax return for 2014, back from the Australian
Tax Office, and it puzzles me!!!

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question, "List all your
dependants?"

I replied, "100,000 muslim immigrants we provide everything for; 10,000
crack heads in rehab; 1 million unemployed people on the dole and not
looking for work, 25,000 people in prison, 3,000 boat people who just
arrived for a holiday, 535 persons in the Parliament and Senate!!!!

 They told me that this was NOT the correct answer.

 SO I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, "WHO THE HELL DID I MISS"?

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From: Wally
Bioluminescent Phytoplankton
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The mystifying blue glow of Bioluminescent Phytoplankton, on Tasmania's 
south coast, near Hobart. These magical lights are caused by marine
micro organisms, that glow in the dark when stimulated, by wind and tide
movement.
Tasmania=E2?Ts Institute of Marine and Antarctic Studies phytoplankton
biologist Dr Christopher Bolch, said that the Phytoplankton, which were
first noticed on Tuesday (16th June), should be around for another couple 
of days, due to slight winds. Dr Bolch added that he had never seen
such a display, in his 25 years with the Institute.

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From: Wally
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Top 10 Animal Encounters on a Golf Course
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Is This the End?
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Jaws in 3 Minutes (40th Anniversary)
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Great White Shark Attacks (Caught on Tape)
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From: Wally
Le Flashmob des Prodiges (Brilliant ... Wally)
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From: Wally
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Billion Dollar Bunker
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Slip Dance (Different)
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Aircraft in Trouble
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Highway Landing (Oldie, but a Goodie)
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Spider in the Banana
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Southwest Airlines (Funny)
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Konjo (World=E2?Ts Fastest Dog on 2 Legs)
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Barnstorming
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From: Wally
Husband Gives ex Half of Everything He Owns
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Husband Gives ex Half of Everything He Owns

Hell hath very literal fury for a husband scorned.

A German man seems to be following his divorce agreement to the letter, by using power tools to give his ex-wife half of everything he owns.

The man posted a video of him cutting chairs, beds and phones in half for his ex, with the translated description "Thank you for 12 'beautiful'
years,
Laura! You've really earned half." He has reportedly sent half of the pieces to his ex, and is selling his halves on eBay. As of the time of this
post, his car is selling for a little more than $50.

Thankfully, it seems like their house is still in one piece.

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From: Wally
Hey Brudda
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From: Wally
Miss E. Lilian Todd
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The first woman in the world, to build and design an airplane.
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 Click here

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From: Wally

Tough Times in Zimbabwe
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Zimbabweans will get US$5 for 175 quadrillion Zim Dollars

HARARE  - Zimbabweans will start exchanging 'quadrillions' of Zim Dollars
 for a few U.S. dollars next week, as President Robert Mugabe's
government discards its virtually worthless national currency, the central bank
said=2E

The southern African country started using foreign currencies like the U.S.
dollar, and South African rand in 2009 after the Zimbabwean Dollar
was ruined by hyper-inflation, which hit 500 billion% in 2008.

At the height of Zimbabwe's economic crisis in 2008, Zimbabweans had to
carry plastic bags bulging with bank notes, to buy basic goods like bread
and milk. Prices were rising at least twice a day.

Customers who held Zimbabwean Dollar accounts before March 2009, can
approach their banks, to convert their Zimbabwean Dollar balance into US
Dollars, Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe (RBZ) Governor John Mangudya said in a
statement.

The process will legally end the local currency. Zimbabweans have until
September to turn in their old bank notes, which some people sell as
souvenirs to tourists.

Bank accounts with balances of up to 175 quadrillion Zim Dollars will be
paid US $5. Those with balances above 175 quadrillion dollars, will be 
paid at an exchange rate of US $1 to 35 quadrillion Zim Dollars.

The highest, and last, bank note to be printed by the RBZ in 2008 was 
100 trillion Zim Dollars. It was not enough to ride a public bus to work
for a week.

The RBZ said customers who still have stashes of old Zimbabwean dollar 
notes can walk into any bank and get US $1 for every 250 trillion they
hold.

That means a holder of a 100 trillion bank note will get US 40 cents. The
RBZ has set aside US $20 million to pay Zim Dollar currency holders.

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