Friday humour - June 05, 2015

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

 From: Anonymous3
Subject: Social Networking

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying
the same principles.

Every day, I go to the street and tell a passerby what I have eaten, how I feel,
what I have done the night before and what I will be doing tomorrow.

I give them pictures of my wife, my daughter, my son, my dog and myself gardening,
spending time in my pool and what great accomplishments I have made that
day (or even years before).

I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.

And it really works: I already have 3 people following me: ....Two police
officers and a psychiatrist.

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From: Arfermo
Subject: Photo bomb

Seagull steals the show from Red Arrows display team.
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Subject: Italians

 An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant
when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and
walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says,

"Who was that?" *

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last
straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!" "I can
understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce
it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in
Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no
more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The
decision is all yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant
with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the
wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she
replies.

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Subject: Do you like to read a good murder mystery?

This is an unbelievable twist of fate!!!!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS
President, Doctor Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal
complications of a bizarre death.

Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had
jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.

He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past
the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing
through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been
installed just below the eighth floor level to  protect some building
workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his
suicide the way he had planned.

An elderly man and his wife occupied the room on the ninth floor where the
shotgun blast emanated. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening
her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he
completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window,
striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject 'A', but kills subject 'B' instead, one is
guilty of the murder of subject 'B'.

When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both
adamant, and both said they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man
said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded
shotgun. He had no intention to murder her therefore the killing of Mr Opus
appeared to be an accident, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son
loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It
transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support, and
the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun
threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would
shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was
guilty of the murder even though he did not actually pull the trigger. The
case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of
Ronald Opus.

Now here comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to
engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story
building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing
through the ninth story window. The son, Ronald  Opus, had actually
murdered himself. Therefore, the medical examiner closed the case as a
suicide.

A true story from Associated Press.

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From: KRP
Subject: Another Item Of Australian History Goes
 Click here

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From: Sack
Subject: French Chefs Burlesque Comedy Act
 Click here

Subject: F Ford Model T - 100 Years Later - Safeshare.TV
 Click here

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From: Seasoldier
Subject: LeRoys last support payment

      This is priceless!!!

Today is my baby girl's 18th birthday.
I be so glad that this be my last child support payment!
Month after month, year after year, all those payments!
So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get
there, I say:
"Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell
her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to
come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."
So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma.
I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face.

Baby girl came back and walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma
say 'bout that?"
She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" ...and watch the 'spression
on yo face.

Subject: Fwd: A teacher

A teacher in a one-room schoolhouse arrives one morning to find a nice red
apple on her desk with a tag tied to it saying T.O.T. Knowing that she had
some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously asked, "Can
someone explain what T.O.T.  means? Mary in the front row raised her hand
to explain it means "To Our Teacher."

The next morning the teacher finds a bigger and prettier apple than the day
before. This time there is a tag with
T.O.T.W.L . written on it. She asks for an explanation for this note and
little Johnny waves his hand to explain, that means "To Our Teacher With
Love".

The next morning she arrives to find a great big watermelon sitting on her
desk with a tag saying " F.U.C.K." Her jaw drops and she screams. "Who can
explain this?"

Little Buckwheat in the back row raises his hand and says, that means,
"From Us Colored Kids”.

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From: Wally
Subject: The Good Old Days

Oodles of Boodle, and Batches of Scratch

by The Ernie Felice Quartet
 Click here

43 X VW Beetle Ads (since 1961)
 Click here

1959 Robot Commando Ad

Ideal Toys
 Click here

1968 The Zeroids Ad

Ideal Toys
 Click here

Subject: 100 Year Old Rolls Royce
Content:
It manages 15 miles to the gallon and has a top speed of 60mph.
But this 100-year-old Rolls-Royce Silver Ghost has zoomed into the world
record books, selling at auction for almost £5million following a fierce
bidding war.
It was originally bought for £1,000 in 1912 (almost £93,000 in today's
money) but has now gone under the hammer for £4,705,500, making it the
most expensive Rolls-Royce ever sold at auction.
Unique: This 100-year-old Silver Ghost Rolls-Royce has sold for a
world-record price of £5million after a furious budding war at Bonhams
Through the roof: The lengthy auction saw two enthusiasts duelling for the
pristine car as the bidding went up in increments of £100,000, smashing
past the £2million estimate
In great nick: The six-cylinder, 7.3-litre car comes with perfect
provenance and is still purring smoothly, doing about 15 miles to the
gallon
What it lacks in gadgetry, the British-made classic more than compensates
for with an extraordinary level of luxury that leaves its modern-day
counterparts looking a little unsophisticated.
Its gleaming interior fittings are made of silver and ivory, while the door
panels are embroidered silk, with brocade tassels attached to silk window
shades for privacy.
THE PASSENGER FOOTREST HIDES A FULL PICNIC SET FOR FOUR, A CHINA TEA
SERVICE, COMPLETE WITH AN ALCOHOL-FUELLED BURNER AND KETTLE TO HEAT THE
WATER, AND A SET OF SIX DECANTERS – THREE IN STERLING SILVER AND THREE IN
LEATHER-WRAPPED GLASS.
The sale took place at the Goodwood Festival of Speed in West Suss*x on
Friday. Auctioneers had expected it to sell for around £2million and were
astonished when the bidding between two rival collectors topped £4million.
James Knight, from Bonhams auctioneers, said: 'There were three bidders,
then one of them dropped out at £2.3million and we thought it would end
there.
Traveling in style: The design chosen by its original owner echoed the
luxurious 'Pullman' Railway carriages pioneered by American George Pullman
Luxurious: The elegant passenger compartment (left) complete with 29
bevelled glass windows and (right) the stylish steering wheel
But then another bidder entered and the bidders were duelling. It went up
in increments of £50,000, and then £100,000, and then back down to
£50,000.
'It went on and on and on and was the longest car sale I have ever
witnessed. It was pure theatre. Everyone was very respectful but when the
price reached a milestone, like £3million, there was an intake of breath.
'The bidders were duelling and when the hammer came down there was
spontaneous applause.
'It was fitting because the car is celebrating her centenary.'
The car was commissioned by Rolls-Royce connoisseur John M. Stephens, who
also bought the first Silver Ghost the luxury car-maker produced in 1906.
The body was built by former royal carriage-maker Barker's of Mayfair,
which had previously built coaches for King George III and Queen Victoria.
Standing the test of time: The 7.3-litre, six-cylinder engine is still
purring smoothly and is capable of doing around 15 miles to the gallon
Mark of history: A plaque bearing the vehicle's chassis number of 1907

Touch of class: The original owner employed the services of the best
coach-making company, Barker and Co. Ltd, to do the bodywork
Classic designs: One of the car's brake lights. The Rolls-Royce still had
its headlights, carriage lights, rear lights and inflatable tyres when it
went up for sale
Miniature version: The Corgi toy of the roller, pictured, is a very
accurate copy of the real Silver Ghost. The real car was sold by Bonhams at
the Goodwood Festival of Speed
The car even had an early speedometer – an important addition given that
a 20mph speed limit was introduced in 1912.Unlike most car enthusiasts of
his time, Mr Stephens, from Croydon, South London, asked the makers not to
include a glass division window between the driver and the passengers as he
wanted to drive it himself rather than rely on a chauffeur.
The car's distinctive cream and green design echoed the luxury
'Pullman'
Railway carriages of the time, and it was known as a Double Pullman
Limousine.
But it was nicknamed 'the Corgi Silver Ghost' in the 1960s after the
toy-maker based its Silver Ghost toy car on this model.
Mr Stephens's car is believed to be the only one of its kind to survive
with its full interior and bodywork, as many Rolls-Royces from the era were
converted into ambulances during the First World War.
Auctioneer Bonhams said: 'It is a statement of refinement, grace and
gentility that for many defines the qualities and the Edwardian period in
which Rolls-Royce established the unsurpassed reputation it still enjoys
today.'
The identity of the anonymous telephone bidders has not been revealed but
sadly Bonhams has confirmed the car will now be leaving Britain once more.
It left Britain in 1992 after it was bought by a US enthusiast. A Texas
lawyer bought it from him in 2007 for £1.9million and kept it until 2009,
when he was killed in a crash in a different car.
The Rolls was then sold once again before the latest seven-hour auction,
which saw more than 80 cars go under the hammer for a combined £22million.
Astonishingly, the Silver Ghost was not the most expensive lot. That honour
went to a 1929 'Blower' Bentley single-seater racing car, which sold
for £5,042,000, the highest price ever for a British car at auction.
In 1932, fighter pilot and Le Mans winner Sir Henry Birkin set a 137mph
speed record in the Bentley, described as the Concorde of its time.
The Duke of Westminster in the driver's seat of a Rolls-Royce Silver Ghost
in 1914. The Duke formed the 1st armoured division and this car was used on
the Western front in the same year
A customised 1911 Silver Ghost owned by the Maharaja of Mysore
Sir John Mills is driven in a vintage Rolls-Royce Silver Ghost in 2000
during the pageant celebrating the Queen Mother's 100th birthday in Horse
guards Parade, London.

Subject: 90 Seconds in .......

90 Seconds in .......

Amsterdam - Click here

Athens - Click here

Austin - Click here

Bali - Click here

Bangkok - Click here

Barcelona - Click here

Buenos Aires - Click here

Chicago - Click here

Christchurch - Click here

Denver - Click here

Dubai - Click here

Dublin - Click here

Hawaii - Click here

Houston - Click here

Las Vegas - Click here

London - Click here

Los Angeles - Click here

Melbourne - Click here

New Orleans - Click here

New York - Click here

Paris - Click here

Philadelphia - Click here

Prague - Click here

Rome - Click here

San Diego - Click here

San Francisco - Click here

Stockholm - Click here

Sydney - Click here

Toronto - Click here

Washington DC - Click here

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From: Clooney's Twin
Subject: Messages for Cardinal Pell
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Subject: Now you tell me
 Click here

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From: GeoWombat
Subject:
 Click here

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Subject: Around the World
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

FRANCE

Drug competition on the street in Mar*eilles, France, is so keen that more
than one dealer has now begun to offer loyalty cards, where a buyer can get
a 10-euro discount, after 10 purchases, and getting all 10 squares punched.
One buyer told La Provence, "I thought I was hallucinating. I thought I was
at a pizzeria or something.


WALES, UNITED KINGDOM

Hostage negotiators are good in Wales, United Kingdom. They spent 90
minutes convincing two guys to come down, from a one-story roof 8 ft off
the ground. Seriously. Couldn't have hurt themselves if they tried.


OREGON, USA

So Nathan Hoffman, 45, is about to go under for LASIK surgery, in Lake
Oswego, Oregon, USA, without his glasses, of course, and they shove a
liability disclaimer form in his hands to sign . . in, of course, small
font. The form Hoffman signed stated, among other provisions, that he
couldn't sue LASIK Vision Institute for more than the cost of the surgery,
$2,500. Hoffman's lawsuit describes LASIK Vision Institute's form, and the
act of handing it to him, when he didn't have his glasses, as
unconscionable. Hoffman's suit seeks $7,500, but also reserves the right to
seek punitive damages.


ORLANDO, USA

Two Valencia College students Linda Shaheen, and Maureen Bugnacki, say they
were forced to submit to transvaginal probes, as part of their classroom
training, to learn how to perform the medical procedure. The details are
outlined in a federal lawsuit filed in Orlando, against Valencia College,
and three instructors. It alleges that medical diagnostic students at the
college were forced to submit to the examination of their s*xual organs,
under threat of having their grades reduced, or of being blacklisted by
future employers.


HENAN, CHINA

Completely ignoring stares from passing pedestrians, the man was seen
giving his undivided attention to washing his girlfriend on a riverbank in
Nanyang city, Henan. While we don't really want to think about why he's
giving the inflatable doll a wash-down, the pictures do raise questions as
to why he chose to do it in such a public setting. Was the water turned off
at home? Was he trying to hide the plastic doll from his wife? If so, it
looks like the secret's out.

BEIJING, CHINA

Two men in Beijing last week, were apprehended by security, after running
about Peking University's campus, in nothing but g-strings, while carrying
inflatable dolls and their guitars, in some sort of protest. Witness the
dedication, the struggle, and the revolution that ensued. The two Peking
University alumni, both independent music producers, facing difficulties
within the industry, due to piracy problems, were attempting to raise
awareness about copyright protection laws. The performance art, was meant
to call attention to the issue, because holding an inflatable doll while
streaking is eye-catching, said one of the protesters. The men wrote
messages of protest on their chests, and donned elephant-shaped man thongs,
as they set out that fateful day, with their plastic dolls and humble
guitars, to the vast frontier that was Peking University's north campus.
They even planned to jump into nearby Weiming Lake, all in the name of
music. Sadly, the two protesters were taken down by the man, the campus
security guard man, before they had the chance to follow through with their
plunge, into the righteous waters of change.


Subject: Links & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Links & Photos

Full Moon Refill from KC-10 Tanker
 Click here

Old Ireland in Colour
 Click here

NASA's Zero Gravity Frog (Oldie, but a Goodie)
 Click here

Autonomous Swarm Boats (US Navy)
 Click here

Britain's Got Talent (Marc & Wendy)
 Click here

Subject: Wally at Work
 Click here

Subject: Russia
 Click here

 Subject: 29 X Smuggling Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Saudi Arabia Drifting [Violence]
 Click here

Ambulance Drone
 Click here

Britain's Got Talent (Darcy Oake)
 Click here

Subject: Link & Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Sydney Opera House (Living Mural)
 Click here

Subject: Germany
 Click here

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Quote of the Week:

"Aliens might be surprised to learn that in a cosmos with limitless
starlight, humans kill for energy sources buried in sand."

 - Neil deGrasse Tyson

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[ End friday humour ]

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