Friday humour - April 24, 2015

Gussius @ Bluehaze

This week Australians celebrate the 100th anniversary of the Gallipoli
landing with much fanfare and commercial celebrations. While also referred
to as the Centenary this year is really no different to the 90th
anniversary plus GST. It is expected to generate millions of dollars for
the benefit of any survivors of the 1915 conflict or perhaps their
representatives.

To avoid the public flogging experienced by a certain supermarket and a
clothing retailer, should I avoid using the common acronym for the
Gallipoli Diggers? Feck 'em is what the original ANZACs may have said. That
term refers to Australian and New Zealand forces but is nowadays far from
its original meaning and effectively a licensed brand and money spinner.

At least the red necks haven't suggested that 10% of every late night kebab
sold is going to restore the Ottoman empire to its former glory. Whilst it
is also the 100 year anniversary of the beginning of the end of the
caliphate - apart from Bin Laden, ISIL and coy – they have hardly
bothered us since then..

Contributions this week were commemorated thanks to Anonymous3, Duke of
Barsinov, Seasoldier, Wally, Whizzbang and the proverbial Unknown
Contributor.

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Description:

A man went to the police department to report that his wife was missing:

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not
come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed
Sergeant: Colour of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year ….maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with Eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine
special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white
cover for the bed. Custom leather seats, DVD with Navigation, 40 channel CB
radio, 6 cup holders,4 power outlets, custom floor mats, trailer package
with gold hitch. Put on special alloy wheels and off road Michelins. My
wife put a small scratch on the driver's door.

The husband started tearing up.

Sergeant: -Don't worry Sir..We'll find your truck.

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Moron time:

Ouch! Some of these bring tears to your eyes!
Someone once said that all men are fools and the video clips contained go a
long way to confirming her convictions.
Here's proof there's one born every minute!!
 Click here

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TRULY REMARKABLE ENGINEERING:

This is remarkable, and S-C-A-R-Y!!!!!
If they figure out a way to reproduce, we are in big trouble!
 Click here

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Jogging Companion Needed:

My neighbour came over the other day and asked if I'd be her jogging
partner. I told her I would first have to check with my cardiologist. Well,
he nixed the idea, so I gave her your phone number. You can expect a call
in the next day or two.
 Click here

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Thailand:

In the original native culture of Thailand, when males reached the age of
18 they had to participate in the following community ceremony:

They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward.

A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men.

She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his
navel to attract flies and insects. This keeps them off his face during the
ceremony.

A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a s*xy
and sensuous dance in the centre of the circle.

As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach
over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and
then, on a given signal from the centre dancer, release them.

The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their
belly buttons.

This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity. . .

The man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King.
And that, folks, is why the capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok.
I bet you never knew this.

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Using the F Word Properly:

WHEN IS @#$% ACCEPTABLE ?

There are only ten times in history where the"F" word has been considered
acceptable for use. They are as follows:

10. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS
Titanic, 1912

9. "What the @#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

8. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877

7. "Any @#$%ing Idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938

6. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926

5. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC

4. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?â -- Michelangelo, 1566

3. "Where the @#$% are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937

2. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ar*e!" -- Noah, 4314 BC

1. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1998

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A few fun truths:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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What are the World's Best Passports?:

Australian passports are the ninth most powerful in the world, according to
a new online passport index, that allows you to sort passports of the world
by a 'passport power rank'.

Created by financial advisory firm Arton Capital, the index determines the
ranking of a country by calculating how many countries passport holders can
visit without an advance visa, or by purchasing visa on arrival.

Those holding Australian passports can visit 138 countries without having
to obtain a visa prior to arrival. Czech Republic and Hungarian passport
holders are also ranked equal ninth, behind 24 other countries, placing all
three countries one spot behind New Zealand passports, ranked eighth most
powerful with 139 countries permitting entry without a visa.
USA and UK passports are the most powerful, each possessing a total of 147
countries its citizens can visit without needing a visa.

French, Germany and South Korean citizens tied for second place, with 145
countries.

Passports from places with advanced economies, such as Hong Kong, sitting
in the eleventh spot, dominate the list.

Some of the least desirable passports are from Bhutan (40), Myanmar (28),
Nepal (38), Afghanistan (38), Iraq (38) and North Korea (44). These
countries can be notoriously difficult to get a visa for.

Visa requirements are often an interesting, but overlooked, indicator of
national relations, according to The Washington Post.

Countries that are allied usually offer each others' citizens a quick visa
on arrival.

Visitors to countries on not-so-friendly terms may have to provide entry
and exit information, a letter of invitation, details about where they are
staying throughout the trip, as well as paying a hefty fee. Mistakes could
be punished by the application process being drawn out, or worse still,
rejected.

Recently, Australia was excluded from a list of 45 countries to be offered
visa-free travel to Indonesia.

Strained relations over the imminent execution of two convicted Australian
drug traffickers were blamed for the exclusion.

Visas were to be waived for several Asian and European countries for
reciprocity.

"If we give visa-free travel to Australia, we have to be given the same
thing," Tourism Minister Arif Yahya said. "It cannot be that we give it to
them first."

Currently, Australians pay $US35 ($A45.76) for entry into Indonesia, which
provides them with a 30 day maximum stay. Australian tourists account for
12 per cent of all foreigners visiting Indonesia in 2014, according to the
Indonesian statistics bureau.

While the Passport Index does allow you to sort passports by ranking,
location and colour, it does not allow you to see which countries specific
passports will permit you to enter without a visa.

So, in case you were wondering which country New Zealand passport holders
can enter without a visa that Australians can't - it's Brazil.

Best countries to have a passport from
1. USA, UK (147)

2. France, South Korea, Germany (145)

3. Italy, Sweden (144)

4. Denmark, Singapore, Finland, Japan, Luxembourg, Netherlands (143)

5. Switzerland (142)

6. Spain, Norway, Ireland, Belgium, Portugal (141)

7. Canada, Greece, Austria, Malaysia (140)

8. New Zealand (139)

9. Australia, Czech Republic, Hungary (138)

10. Poland, Slovakia (137)

... and the worst
Palestinian Territories, Solomon Islands, Myanmar, South Sudan (28)
Iraq, Afghanistan, Nepal, Ethiopia (38)

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Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Nuclear Submarine entering Dry Dock (Time Lapse)
 Click here

Christmas Time
 Click here

5,000 Years of Women's Make-Up
 Click here

Star Wars â The Force Awakens (Official Trailer)
 Click here

30 Endangered Species
 Click here

24 Things about Beer
 Click here

Batman vs Superman (Official Trailer)
 Click here

Military Kit through the Ages
 Click here

It's a Funny World
 Click here

23 Best War Films
 Click here

Jurassic World (Official Trailer)
 Click here

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I Learned Some New Words Today:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Funny TV Graphics:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Newspaper Funnies:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Cars from 2015 Auto Show
 Click here

Stephanie's Message
 Click here

Only in Japan
 Click here

Flash Flood in Utah
 Click here

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It's So Sad:
 Click here
It's so sad, that it has finally come down to this !!!

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Links & Photos:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Best Video Juke Box Ever (1,000's Songs)
 Click here

Tokyo's 2020 Olympics Begin
 Click here

Our Planet
 Click here

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Did You Know?:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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The World of Turtles & tortoises:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Arab Military Technology..:
 Click here

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Power line construction : Precision flying - amazing !!:
 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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