Friday humour - April 10, 2015

From Burnout @ Bluehaze:

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From: Billy Bunter of Adelaide
Ageing.

This was a guest speaker at an actual Conference on Ageing in California ;
The speaker is a weatherman, but SHOULD be a stand-up comic.   Attendees
were young and old alike, male and female.  I hope no one is offended . .
he is hysterical.
 Click here

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From: Burnout
Fiat S76 driven for the first time in 100 years.
28 Liter Fiat, that's a few milk bottles:
 Click here

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From: Duke of Barsinov
|ust checking the strength of the nose wheel !A new Boeing 787 making a
landing you don't see too often - if ever !!
 Click here 


JEWISH MOTHER

The United States has elected the first woman President, Susan Goldfarb.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So,
Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as
he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'

'Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take
you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I
wear?'

Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by
the best designer in New York.'

"Honey,' Mom complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you and
your friends like to eat.'

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going
to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I
really want you to come.'

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being
sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new
President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and
says, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming
President of the United States?

The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do.'

Mom says proudly, 'Her brother is a doctor'.

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From: Mitta
Philosophically speaking

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic
considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I don't
think I am." POOF! The horse disappears.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience
begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of
Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the
horse.

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From: Seasoldier
Moose Has Last Laugh

This is why you never chase a moose with a ski doo.
[ you have no reverse ]
 Click here

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To Be 8 Again

I was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching my   wife, Vicky
who was   looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far
off I asked what she'd like for her birthday. 'I'd like to be eight
again', she replied, still looking   in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, I arose early, made her a nice big bowl of
Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! I
put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming   Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later we staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling
and her stomach felt upside   down. I then took her to a McDonald's and
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite
candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home and collapsed into bed exhausted.

I leaned over my wife & with a big smile lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what
was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you @*#*! Idiot!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
wrong.

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Putin joke

 Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to
visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them
about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the
people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Sasha
puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take
Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?" Putin says "Good
questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids
go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more
questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have Four
questions"
"My Questions are -

Why did the Russians invade Crimea?

Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?

Why did the bell go 20 minutes early?

And where is Sasha?"

Army's Treasure Room = A MUST SEE! Unbelievable!

Don' t miss these treasures of American History!  sg
 Click here

A  laugh for the morning
The Baptist Cowboy.

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders
three mugs of Coors.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat
after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an 
Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to
remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to  the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I
don't want to  intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences
on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes
and he laughs.
"Oh no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I
joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

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KFC UPDATE

Remember when Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to
pose nude in an upcoming issue?
Then Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic?
And remember when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of two small
breasts and two large fat thighs?

Now KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket."
It consists of nothing but left wings and chicken sh*t.

Just keeping you up to date..... Oh yes, you are going to forward this,
aren't you??

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From: Whizzbang
S*x after 80

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of
a s*x shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet
across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and
grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, 'Dddoo youu
hhhave ddiilldos?'
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, 'Yes we  do
have d*ldos. Actually we carry many different models. The old woman then
asks, 'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llong aand
aabbout twoo inchess ththiick...aaand rruns onnn bbaatteriess? The clerk
responds, 'Yes we do'
She asks, "Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe
ffff*cking tthhing offffff?

Mrs Brown's Boys
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
WTF
 Click here

DRINIKING IN GALWAY

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back
home In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord
goes out of his way for the locals.  When you buy four drinks, he'll buy
the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the  Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion,
the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me
favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy
you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.  Then, when
you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get
laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this
actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to
me sister quite a few times."

The Old Phone

When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our
neighbourhood.  I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. 
The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box.  I was too little to reach
the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to
it.

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an
amazing person.  Her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing
she did not know.  Information Please could supply anyone's number and the
correct time.

My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my
mother was visiting a neighbour.  Amusing myself at the tool bench in the
basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but
there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give
sympathy.

I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at
the stairway.  The telephone!  Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the
parlor and dragged it to the landing.  Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver
in the parlor and held it to my ear.  "Information, please" I said into the
mouthpiece just above my head.  A click or two and a small clear voice
spoke into my ear.

"Information."

"I hurt my finger...." I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily
enough now that I had an audience.

"Isn't your mother home?" came the question.

"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.

"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.

"No," I replied.  "I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts."

"Can you open the icebox?" she asked.

I said I could.

"Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger," said the
voice.

After that, I called "Information Please" for everything.  I asked her for
help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was.  She helped
me with my math.  She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park
just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.

Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died.  I called,
Information Please," and told her the sad story.  She listened, and then
said things grown-ups say to soothe a child.  But I was not consoled.  I
asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy
to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a
cage?"

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Wayne always
remember that there are other worlds to sing in."

Somehow I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone, "Information Please."

"Information," said in the now familiar voice.

"How do I spell fix?" I asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest.  When I was
nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston.  I missed my friend
very much.  "Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home
and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the
table in the hall.  As I grew into my teens, the memories of those
childhood conversations never really left me.

Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense
of security I had then.  I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and
kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle.
 I had about a half-hour or so between planes.  I spent 15 minutes or so on
the phone with my sister, who lived there now.  Then without thinking what
I was doing, I dialled my hometown Operator and said, "Information Please."

Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. 
"Information."

I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me
how to spell fix?"

There was a long pause.  Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your
finger must have healed by now."

I laughed, "So it's really you," I said.  "I wonder if you have any idea
how much you meant to me during that time?"

"I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your call meant to me.  I never
had any children and I used to look forward to your calls."

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I
could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.

"Please do", she said. "Just ask for Sally."

Three months later I was back in Seattle.  A different voice answered
"Information."

I asked for Sally.

"Are you a friend?" she said.

"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said.  "Sally had been working
part-time the last few years because she was sick.  She died five weeks
ago."

Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute, did you say your name was
Wayne?"

"Yes" I answered.

"Well, Sally left a message for you.  She wrote it down in case you called.
 Let me read it to you."

The note said, "Tell him there are other worlds to sing in.  He'll know
what I mean."

I thanked her and hung up.  I knew what Sally meant.

Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.

Cop stop............
Not a word is spoken but the message comes through loud and clear
 Click here

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Anonymous3
MORE THAN JUST PAPER
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

I guess it's just paper!
I guess he was wondering one day what to do with his
Spare time, picked up a piece of paper, and started cutting.

He made something pretty spectacular and then decided he
Could create other things just as spectacular -- or even more beautiful.

So,  he practiced and practiced. And got better and better and,
In time, discovered that he really had a talent that not many other
People have. Take the time to look and see what I  mean.

By  Canadian paper artist, Calvin Nicholls.

 There is nothing simple or ordinary about his paper art.

Where we would simply use a piece of paper and a pair of scissors,
Calvin uses everything you could possibly think of to carve,
Cut and rip perfect details onto his creations.

The  motifs are all wildlife, and that must be one of the hardest
Categories of things to make with paper -- since there are
Sometimes impossible details on animals..

These  details are amazing!

I can't even fathom the time it must have taken
To create these masterpieces of art.

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Billy Bunter of Adelaide
Could easily apply to Australian MP's (Language Warning - ED)
MP name generator
 Click here

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Clooney's Twin
happy easter
 Click here Click here Click here

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Seasoldier
Hangers  (XXX - ED)
Coat Hangers, Cliff hangers, Hangers on, Wall Hangers, Pipe Hangers
Pot Hangers, And these: The Real Hangers!
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 Why Bras Should Be Outlawed (XXX. - ED)
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CANADIAN COIN
 Click here

Prayer for Grandpa

This is just too beautiful not to share.

Dear God, please send clothes
for all those poor ladies in grandpa's magazines.
Amen.

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Blow Dryer mishap
 Click here

A good lesson for all
Bill's wife caught him blow-drying his pecker this morning and asked him
what the hell he was doing.
Apparently, "heating up your breakfast" was not the right answer!

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Quote of the Week.

"Golf is a good walk spoiled".

- Mark Twain.

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[ End friday humour ]

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